Thank you so much for engaging with our content and for listening to the SexWithDrJess podcast — we appreciate you and your support (for real). If you’re in the mood to shop, check out our affiliate links and use code DRJESSVIP to save on some of our favourite toys from We-Vibe, Womanizer, Lovehoney and more.

Code DRJESSVIP

THANK YOU! 💜 (for real)

Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us!

No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win!

LOVEHONEY.COM

WE-VIBE.COM

This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you!

When Orgasm Isn’t the Goal (But You’d Still Like to Get There)

A listener recently wrote in to share that her new partner doesn’t orgasm during sex. He can orgasm when masturbating but says he “gets in his head” with a partner. First of all, if you’re this listener, thank you. Your vulnerability, your care, and your zero-pressure approach are beautiful.

You’re not trying to fix anyone. You’re not rushing toward climax. You’re open, curious, and supportive and that’s already so much of what makes sex meaningful.

I reminded this listener that she’s not alone and that it’s okay to want orgasm without making it the only destination. And since many of us have been there, whether we’re the ones who struggle to orgasm or the ones supporting someone else, I thought I’d share some of the strategies we’ve explored ourselves.

Strategies for Partners Who “Get In Their Head”

When we talk about orgasm difficulties, the conversation often focuses on vulva owners, but penis owners also deal with mental blocks and performance pressure, they’re just less likely to talk about it.

So what can help?

Start by talking. Not about “fixing” anything, just about what you want, how you feel, and whether your partner wants to share how they’re feeling. Make space for pleasure talk, not pressure talk.

Ask about solo pleasure. What helps them orgasm when they’re alone? Do they use both hands? A certain grip? Visuals? Toys? Try bringing these into your partnered play.

Explore without expectations. Consider tools like a vibrating ring like the We-Vibe Pivot or a pleasure-enhancing Womanizer Enhance. Mimic their solo habits without treating it like a recipe for orgasm. Focus on what feels good, not what’s supposed to happen.

Tuning Into (or Out of) Your Mind

You’ve probably heard us talk about mindfulness and being present during sex, and yes, that works for many people. But not everyone. Personally, I sometimes need the opposite, not mindful breathing, but full-blown fantasy. Escapism.

Not unicorns and elves (though if that’s your jam, go for it), but scenarios that push me far enough out of my daily life that I can let go and get into my body.

This might mean:

Reading erotica together

Watching something steamy (even with the sound on for audial overload)

Creating a sensual playlist or using scent or lighting to shift your mood

Drawing or writing out your fantasies (stick figures totally count)

The key is to co-create a setting where pleasure can happen, not because you’re aiming for orgasm, but because you’re opening up to experience.

The Penis Pleasure Map: 5 Spots to Explore

Penis owners deserve more than just “stroke it and hope for the best.” Here are five pleasure zones that can help vary sensation and deepen connection:

F-Spot (Frenulum): On the underside where the head meets the shaft. Try licking, flicking, or very light suction.

3-Spot: The lower third of the shaft, especially responsive to pressure. Add lube, and squeeze.

B-Spot: The internal base of the penis, accessed externally behind the balls.

C-Spot: The coronal ridge. That slightly raised ridge around the head. Perfect for tongue play.