Normalize therapy.

Ever have a conversation that goes something like this?

Hubby: So are we all good then, honey?

Wifey: Yup.

Hubby: You’re sure.

Wifey: Yes, I’m fine.

Hubby: OK then. I’ll take your word for it…

What Exactly Is Womanspeak?

Womanspeak is saying something where the meaning is different from the intent of the words spoken. And yes, I know it’s not just a woman thing. Not all women do it, and men are just as capable of speaking this way, we just stereotypically assign this to women (hence the name!). Just for the record, I prefer to call it husband-hearing!

I’ll give you a few examples of what I'm talking about– my word or phrase will be on the left and Caleb’s “interpretation” will be in brackets:

Fine (means: totally not fine at all)

You choose (means: you figure out the exact thing I secretly want to do)

Whatever (means: I only care about this enough to hold your anxiety hostage for another three days)

That’s ok (means: like you’re getting any sex for the next two weeks)

Communication is a tricky thing because it can derail in a variety of ways. When we communicate, we send a signal that may or may not be clear. The person receiving the signal may not receive it with the intent with which it was sent. Sometimes we may not even know exactly what we intend to send. Or perhaps our verbal communication can be in conflict with our non-verbal. We may even use words with one meaning but our tone of voice carries another meaning.

Here are a few more examples to illustrate the point:

“Is it cold in here?” could actually mean, “Can you please go turn up the heat?” Or, “Hey baby, do you want to snuggle? wink wink”.

Or think of the question, “Oh, are we having tuna casserole tonight?” That could mean: “I’m delighted because it’s my favorite!” Or, “Seriously, we’ve had that five nights in a row.” Or, “I don’t really care, I’m just curious.” Really, depending on the type of day I’ve had at home, I will hear that question totally differently.

Why Do We Do It?

To answer this question, we delved into the deeper reasons why we might not speak clearly.

Perhaps we don’t want to be the stereotypical nagging wife constantly asking for stuff so only hint at things instead.

Maybe (and this is something I know I struggle with) we have a fear of rejection. If I ask Caleb if he wants to peel the potatoes and he says no, that’s just his preference. But if I say, “Could you please peel the potatoes?” and he says no, that could feel like a personal rejection.

What about having a fear of intimacy or vulnerability? It’s a lot easier to test the waters with a vague question than ask for something outright and risk rejection. It’s a lot easier too, to say “Do I look fat in this?” than to be vulnerable and say, “I’m feeling insecure about my body right now”.

We’ve been over the HOW and WHY we use womanspeak, but after having witnessed it in our marriage and other marriages, I can say that it does not bring about the desired response. When you say one thing and mean another, it does not build intimacy.

Here’s what you need to do in order to have healthy communication between you:

How Can We Have Good Clear Communication?

1. Learn to state your wants or requests clearly.

For example, if you want him to do something, don’t start with “Do you want to….” Instead try, “Could you please…”

2. Don’t lie!

Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not, is a lie. Be truthful and say something like “I’m not sure how I feel right now but if you give me some time to calm down I’ll come back to you as soon as I’m clear myself”.

3. State your expectations before it matters.

This one is hard to explain without an example, so rather than an explanation, I’ll go straight into the story. If I’m planning something on the weekend, I need to state my expectations to my husband early in the week so that we’re both clear on what’s happening. That will prevent the feeling of abandonment and resentment that may come after the fact if the expectations weren’t stated clearly ahead of time.

4. Understand your own subtler emotions and speak out of that place.

This would turn the question, “Do I look fat in this?” into it’s the truer meaning of “I’m feeling kinda insecure about my weight right now.”

5. Use your manners.

Why do we train our kids to use their manners and then forget them ourselves when we’re talking to the most important person in our life!?! Always remember your pleases and thank-yous!

Our challenge to you wives is to say what you mean and mean what you say! Follow the five steps above for clear communication.

To husbands, when you realize your wife is speaking out of a place of fear, step up to the plate with gentlemanly chivalry and speak to the underlying fear with reassurance and loving care.

To both husbands and wives, call each other out whenever you hear “womanspeak”. Be respectful, obviously, and let it become a humorous moment for you both to enjoy. (Hint: throwing it up in their face or mocking them is NOT going to get you the results you want.)

Image courtesy of Jorge Ferrer under the Creative Commons license.

Maybe you’re not like me.

Maybe you don’t REACT to everything.

Maybe you should be writing this post about defensiveness…

In this week’s podcast episode, Caleb talked about defensiveness and how you can disarm your own defensiveness. I especially need to learn how to disarm my defensiveness, as I seem to react every single time to the slightest provocation!

Why is it that I can react so strongly to the smallest thing? I think it’s because I like to be right and I hate being wrong. That’s just me, and I’m ok with that, but I’m not ok with the defensive overreacting!

I was glad to hear that there is a part of defensiveness that is born out of our God-given instinct towards fight, flight or freeze. Defensiveness is the “fight” part of that. So maybe I’m not always overreacting – it’s a comforting thought to know that I can and will defend my loved ones when needed!

However, defensiveness in marriage goes beyond that and can become problematic. It is deflecting blame back on your spouse and saying, “I’m not the problem; you are!” Caleb says the antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your own stuff.

He makes it sound so simple…

So I asked Caleb, why does being defensive NOT work in marriage?

Because the more you defend yourself, the harsher your spouse has to be to get through to you. The thicker the concrete wall, the bigger the bomb needed to get through those walls.

Being defensive sometimes is not going to wreck a marriage. However, Dr. Gottman talks about the four horses of the apocalypse: the four most destructive features in marriage and defensiveness is one of them. He says that when all four horses are present in a relationship his research shows there is more than an 80% probability that the marriage will fail unless corrective action is taken.

I don’t know about you, but I want to eradicate any features in my marriage that will cause it to fail.

Why do we get defensive?

It could be that you or I have a fragile ego. Because we’re feeling fragile, we interpret our spouse’s disagreement with any of our ideas, choices or behaviors as a personal attack. “If you challenge my ideas, you are challenging me!” That’s about ego, hence the need to defend as if being attacked.

We may get defensive to protect ourselves, but in actuality, it produces more conflict – more of what we don’t want!

It may feel like we need years of therapy to get our fragile egos sorted, but here are two tips which can have an immediate impact in lessening our defensive reactions.

Tip 1: Say, “You could be right.”

That’s it.

So easy.

So simple.

Yet it creates such a powerful mind shift.

The next time you find yourself reacting to something said to you, and your instincts want to kick in to defend yourself, instead say, “You could be right.” That buys you some time to calm down without automatically going into fight mode! It keeps you open and lets you hear any genuinely constructive criticism that could be valid or actionable.

Even if the only good in what your spouse is saying is in the intent and the content is not worded well AT ALL, by saying “You could be right” you lower your own emotional resistance. It gives your spouse influence, which in turn puts you in a powerful place. If you shut your spouse down (by getting defensive), they are most definitely going to shut you down. Then you’re in a crazy cycle you don’t want to be in!

Tip 2: Bring in an imaginary third party.

Ask the question, “How would you respond if someone said that…”

Benjamin Franklin used this technique. It works very well if your spouse is being close-minded. It helps to keep us in a place of curiosity rather than having a knee jerk ‘fight’ reaction.

For example, Jack comes home hungry and says to his wife, “I can’t believe you haven’t started dinner. I’m really hungry! You’re just sitting there relaxing, while I’m starving!”

A typical (defensive) response that Jill might make would be something like, “You’ve got hands, why don’t you make dinner! Why do you expect me to be your slave!?”

That conversation went nowhere but down the tube!

Think about the direction the conversation could have gone if Jill had brought in an imaginary third party and answered something like this: “How would you respond if someone told you that I had a brutal day at work myself and was totally burnt out and discouraged when I got home?”

That question gives the conversation a completely different tone, and if I was Jack I hope I would be like, “I’m sorry, baby, I totally got my hangry* on. I’ll grab us a snack and order in pizza.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing Jack’s initial behavior, but the “third party” pointed out Jack’s bad attitude and caused a change in his tone and behavior without the wife having to mention it! A win-win situation for all involved!

I’m still defensive. I’ll admit it. But it’s something that I am working on in my marriage because I want it to be thriving and passionate! (That and the fact that I have a husband who lovingly enjoys pointing out my defensiveness using his lovely sense of humor…)

*hangry: angry because I’m hungry. Awesomest word ever! Thanks for that one, Ally!Image courtesy of Barry under the Creative Commons license.

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle happened so that you had a thriving, passionate marriage, what would you see differently? What would be the first signs that a miracle had occurred?

Today, on our podcast, Caleb introduced me to the “miracle question” above – the lynch pin question in Solution Focused Therapy.

You can ask this question about anything really. For example, “If you woke up tomorrow, and a miracle happened so that you no longer easily lost your temper, what would you see differently? What would the first signs be that the miracle occurred?”

Basically, in asking this question, you are asking a person to create a small shift in their thinking by looking at the other side of their problem and then coming back through from that side.

That sounds pretty complicated, but what I got from it was this: Sometimes I can find myself stuck on an issue and don’t know what to do with it. If I could envision what my life would look like without the problem, and then come back to the problem with that vision in my head, it can give me ideas of what I need to do next. It can also give me the motivation to become unstuck!

Let me give you an example. It’s not a marriage example, but a housewife one. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with my house. It may not be terrible, but not how I want to keep my house. When Caleb asks me the ‘miracle question’ and I envision what my house would look like if a miracle occurred (how come this type of miracle never actually happens!?!?!), and then come back to my problem (my messy house) from that direction, I can generally think of what I need to do next.

The Long Version

Caleb also gave a LONG version of the same question. You really should listen to the podcast episode to get the full effect but I will do my best to type it as he spoke it. Think, calm, quiet, relaxing, SLOW voice as you read this:

“I am going to ask you a rather strange question. [pause] The strange question is this: [pause] After we talk, you will go back to your work (home, school) and you will do whatever you need to do the rest of today, such as taking care of the children, cooking dinner, watching TV, giving the children a bath, and so on. It will be time to go to bed. Everybody in your household is quiet, and you are sleeping in peace. In the middle of the night, a miracle happens and the problem we’re discussing right now is solved! But because this happens while you are sleeping, you have no way of knowing that there was an overnight miracle that solved the problem. [pause] So, when you wake up tomorrow morning, what might be the small change that will make you say to yourself, ‘Wow, something must have happened—the problem is gone!’”?

Then you must wait, SILENTLY, for the answer. Let your spouse be creative and come up with an answer!

What's the Point?

Caleb and I finally discussed what the point of this question is. It’s definitely not a natural response in the middle of a problem that seems to have no solutions. So, what is the point?

This question breaks you out of your box – your usual way of thinking. It takes big drama, inspires creativity, and helps your spouse see that there are steps they can take to start to shift their own circumstances.

And it can be used anywhere: in marriage, at work, with your kids, with a girlfriend!

But, you have to ask it well. You have to ask it slowly, and then wait, SILENTLY, for the answer.

I have to admit when Caleb first starting talking about it, it sounded pretty “woo-woo” to me, but after thinking it through, it made a lot of sense. Now I can’t wait to try it on Caleb, but given that I’m married to a marriage therapist, he always seems to think of these things first! :)

Give it a try the next time you and your spouse are at a stalemate!

Image courtesy of Daniel under the Creative Commons license.

Guilt is an effective motivator.

It’s also a great way to make you an unbearable spouse.

If you’ve ever had someone lay the, “If you really loved me you would…” guilt trip on you then you know exactly how that makes you feel. Loathing. Disgust. Nothing like, “I love you! I’d love to do that for you!”

Motivating your spouse to change by using guilt may get you the short-term gains but it is going to cause long term pain.

Why Do We Use Guilt on Our Spouse?

It does work as a technique to help a powerless person in a relationship get his or her own way.  But it is just not healthy when used to this end.

It causes resentment and anger in marriages. It dampens a child’s sense of independence and self-control (Mandara & Pike, 2008) and can lead to depressive symptoms and low self-esteem (Leith & Baumeister, 2008).

So while it does create leverage to obtain the outcome you want, it really is hard on your spouse and on your children.

Often we do this because it was modeled for us in our family of origin.

Or, we may do it because we genuinely do have less power in the relationship. Guilt is a way to even out the power imbalance. So I do want to call out all the control freaks here: if your spouse is guilting you, it may be because you aren’t sharing power with him or her in your marriage. So when you are getting guilted, just give yourself a real honest check-in to see if you’re provoking it.

The Entitlement Twist

One of my huge life-lessons when I first got married was understanding how selfish I was.

I think we all bring some entitlement to the relationship. Because we’re in love I deserve or expect a lot from you. That can also come out in the language, “If you really loved me, you would…”

The research shows when one spouse brings excessive entitlement to a marriage that there are some real nasties associated with this. Violence. Aggression. Higher divorce rates. And–surprise—selfishness!

If You Really Loved Me, You Would Stop Guilting Me

We reveal some key things to do to replace the guilt and entitlement during the episode. But for those of you that are reading this, here are a couple of key points to note.

First, find a healthier way to express your needs. Try: “I would really like you to …, is there any way that can happen?”

Second: learn gratitude. Really. If you bring an attitude of service to your marriage it will pay far greater dividends than an attitude of entitlement. Entitlement is a sin. Confess, repent, and serve.

Image courtesy of Jason under the Creative Commons license.

I found the topic of triangles in marriage to be fascinating. How often do I get my nose out of joint by something my husband does? And then try to get my support from someone else? THAT is creating a triangle!

What Is A Triangle?

Triangles are three-way relationships. Usually, this looks like mom-dad-child, or an unpopular variant: husband-wife-mistress. Sometimes the husband’s work can be his mistress…

They usually consist of two close parties and one distant one. For example, Dad is angry and abusive (distant) so Mom and oldest daughter are close and allied against Dad. Or, husband and work are close and wife is distant.

Why Do We Triangulate?

On the positive side, because they help us relate and understand one another. When we’re not getting along with a parent, we can talk to our spouse.

Triangles can also be used to relieve tension. In any 1 to 1 relationship, tensions grow. These tensions can be relieved by bringing in a third party but can also really increase problems.

Look at it this way: couples that aren’t getting along can talk about their kids, their friends, work; anything but their own relationship. They can both be close to the issue at hand and be distant from each other. The ideal though would be for the couple to be close to each other and allied (distant) against the issue.

Identified Patients (IP’s) are also created by triangles. (An Identified Patient is the one seen to be the “problem” when a family goes for therapy.) Often times the IP is one of the children acting out subconsciously to relieve the tension between the parents. When both parents are focused on the behavior of the child, they are not dwelling on their own tension-creating problems.

What Drives Our Need To Triangulate?

In its simplest form, we triangulate because we have anxiety about closeness. This is about “How close can I be to my spouse and still allow the other person to be different from me?

You can see this when you go home to your parents. If one parent does something socially embarrassing, are you embarrassed? Or do you allow them to feel their own embarrassment and recognize it is not yours to feel while still feeling close to him/her?

Or look at another example: you and your spouse are arguing. One of you points to a kid and says, “Bobby agrees with me and he thinks you’re wrong too!” You just ran into the question: how close can I be and allow you to be different than me? What you thought, perhaps subconsciously, is “If I can’t be close, I’m going to make Bobby close and distance you in order to bring you back to being the same as me.” It reduces my anxiety because I have a coalition with Bobby and I am now controlling you.

Let’s De-triangulate!

What do we need to do to counter this triangulation in our marriages?

First, recognize that it’s always going on and accept that, BUT, watch for unhealthy triangulation in the form of distancing between you and your spouse. Don’t triangulate your kids in order to take the anxiety out of the deficiencies in your own marriage. Remember the Identified Patient – ever see a child who is a problem child because it gives both parents something to be together on?

Second, talk about it! Talk about what you need to be together on as parents. Talk about boundaries you might need to set on in-laws, work, or affair possibilities.

Thirdly, become an emotionally mature, well-differentiated person.

Understand your Family Of Origin (FOO) – did your parents draw you in to take sides and relieve their own anxiety? Are you repeating the process in your own family?

Learn to identify, name and own your own feelings.

Develop a healthy, self-identity and live out of that place instead of others’ expectations.

(And this one I LOVE!) Be OK with being different than your spouse: don’t get fixated on how little you have in common. Get fixated on loving each other with the variety you both bring to the marriage.

Fourthly, Stand up for what you believe in – in your marriage! You want to become more uniquely yourself, inside your marriage. Remember, that’s what originally made you attractive to your spouse.

This will bring the heat back to your marriage! Definitely worth the effort in my opinion…

The research in this article was drawn from a great little book titled Family Ties That Bind by Dr. Ronald Richardson.

Image courtesy of damon jan under the Creative Commons license.

Does homeschooling actually wreck marriages? Absolutely! But no more than sending your kids to public school…

No matter what situation we find ourselves in, we need to realize the impact on our marriage and compensate accordingly. The fact is homeschooling presents different challenges than public schooling or even having both parents work outside the home. Each scenario has its own challenges!

So, while homeschooling is great, it’s good to be specifically aware of a few things with regards to your marriage.

Here are some of the challenges to marriage that we hear about from people who homeschool:

The husband can feel like he’s getting the shaft when it comes to the time, energy and commitment wife gives to the marriage. He can start to get resentful if he feels like there is nothing left for him at the end of the day. Marriage care tends to be pushed to the bottom of the list as day-to-day life becomes more child-centered.

What if the kids went to public/private/Christian school and my wife got a job? Dreaming about the what-if’s of a two-income family can create resentment. Finances are the #1 reason for divorce.

Husband and wife are not together on this commitment. A cardinal rule of parenting is that both parents need to be in agreement!

Poor role division. Overloading either mom or dad can have an adverse impact on their health, the marriage, and the family. Also, it is easy for Mom to become the homeschooling parent and Dad to become only the breadwinner. That’s not healthy, Dad needs to know how he can be involved with the family (and be involved!) and Dad and Mom both need to support each other.

Here are four things you need to do to combat the unique challenges of a homeschooling marriage:

Remember, God called you to marriage before parenting (usually), so love your spouse more than your homeschooling!

Find your self-identity: Aim to have a thriving, passionate marriage of homeschooling parents – not a homeschooling marriage! Your identity is in Christ, not your educational preference. We are all going to grieve and celebrate becoming empty-nesters. If you define your identity as a home-schooling mom, then what are you going to be when you are not homeschooling? Who are you then? Another question to ask is if you are “homeschoolers” or people that teach at home? What is your identity?

Have non-school conversations and non-school dates! If it’s the two of you together at the zoo – enjoy your time together at the zoo and stop planning your ecology module…

Self Care! Homeschooling demands sacrifice by both parents. What are you doing for self-care? How are you investing in your marriage elsewhere to compensate for the sacrifice you and your spouse make daily?

A mom once told me that pre-children she used to be disgusted with a woman who didn’t take care of their feet and had dry heels. Now, she is glad if she manages to shower on a given day. How priorities change when we have responsibilities 24/7!

What are you doing to take care of yourself and your marriage!?!

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with your marriage and it’s not on the rocks just because you homeschool! We just want you to pause and assess whether everything is in balance. Every marriage needs to do this – everybody has his or her own challenges.

Homeschooling is a major commitment and decision that you feel is a clear blessing to your children. We wouldn’t dispute that, but we want you to stop, do a check-in and ask yourself, “Hey, is my marriage still first”?

IowaPolitics.com under the Creative Commons

I certainly hope reading this is going to make you want to find your spouse right now and give them a GREAT BIG SQUEEZE! And don’t be fooled – we’re not talking about how tightly you squeeze, we’re talking about how well you do the squeeze!

The Power of the Hug

The power of hugging is not to be underestimated. In fact, research supports how it can be a great way to improve your marriage. In 2003, Grewen, Anderson, Girlder and Light found that couples who enjoyed more episodes of positive close contact responded with lower blood pressure and heart rate elevations in response to the stresses and strains of daily living.

On that same note, couples who did not express lots of physical affection were eight times more likely to feel stressed or depressed. In another study, they tried giving one person verbal social support when they were stressed and found that it did not have the same positive effect as actual physical contact.

Seriously, I could go on and on with research that proves the point that close contact prevents “life’s hiccups” from hitting us so hard physically!

What Does a Hug Do?

A close physical connection creates an instant entry into the world of your spouse’s emotions. Can you feel their body heaving with sobs? Can you feel how tightly they’re strung with worry? Can you feel their desire for you? An incredible range of emotions is felt through hugging!

Hugging also creates an increase in the release of oxytocin, the body’s natural love drug. Not only does oxytocin lower your blood pressure and heart rate, but it also boosts happiness, fine-tunes communication skills, improves every day relationships and chases away anxiety and stress.

How to Hug

As you can see, we all need to hug more. However, let us tell you exactly how you can be a Master Hugger! We’ve created a little video entitled How to Hug Like a Boss because really, how can you describe a hug with words?!? Plus, how do you know when your hug is done? We really do not have a good answer to that second question, so let us know your ideas. We’d love to hear from you!

Image courtesy of Tania Cataldo under the Creative Commons license.

Ladies, isn’t it an awesome feeling when you overhear your husband talking to one of his buddies and he says something nice about you?

If you have already listened to the podcast, then you know that Caleb started quoting “nice things” about me from the Songs of Solomon. Lol! Overhearing compliments such as “Guys, my wife’s belly is as a heap of wheat encircled with lilies” may not to be too exciting for us today, but Caleb’s point was to find the language that works for your wife – even now.

The even greater point is this:

It’s so easy to take our spouses for granted. However, we want you to make it a personal agenda, and a real habit, to speak well of your spouse.

This is a small and willful gesture that can pay huge dividends inside your marriage. It’s also a great way to add another layer of affair-proofing to your marriage. Speaking well of your spouse to others is a great way to protect yourself from potential affairs. It sends a message that you are not only committed to but very much in love with your spouse and not interested in anyone else.

Mental Health

In 1989, Hooley and Teasdale did a study on married people with depression. They found that the single best prediction of relapse into neurotic depression was the patient’s response to the following question: “How critical is your spouse of you?”

Depressed patients who rated their spouses as highly critical of them were significantly more likely to relapse during their follow-up than the patients who felt less criticized.

Just think of the impact you can have in his/her life, as speaking well of your spouse, instead of criticizing, has a direct correlation on their health!

Criticism, on the other hand, is very corrosive and is a primary ingredient for any unhappy marriage. Proverbs 27:15 says it very well – “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike”… I’m pretty sure we can apply that quarrelsome attribute to both genders!

Negative Comments

So, “Does this mean I can NEVER say ANYTHING negative?”

Nersesian found that five heartfelt compliments will erase the damage done by one slip of the lips. And Gottman states that in a happy marriage there is a 5-to-1 ratio of good comments to bad. 50/50 is not good enough! Make it your habit to speak well of your spouse and the odd negative comment that accidently slips out will not corrode your marriage.

As Caleb says, “Negativity is like a bad rash. You can’t let it spread and get all over everything!” Nip it in the bud and decide to be positive today.

Marriage Satisfaction

Another study by Gordon & Baucom is necessary to look at here. Their research findings concluded that those who rated their spouse as being particularly positive reported higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage. If you think your spouse is positive, it will make you happier in your marriage.

So, what story are you choosing to tell yourself about your husband or wife?

If your circle of friends gets together to complain about their spouses, choose to tell a different story! Be the one who compliments and speaks well to others about your life partner. Not only will this positive outlook make you happier in your own marriage, but you just may influence your friends for the better too!

Christians have been trying to figure out for centuries: is divorce and remarriage ever the right thing to do? For some, that’s an intellectual discussion – for others, it’s a huge, unexpected reality in their lives.

Back in Episode 13, we answered the question, “Is it ever OK to say, ‘If you do XYZ I’m going to divorce you’”? In response to that post, a spouse wrote us to ask, “If there are repeated acts of infidelity over several years, is it OK to say, ‘If you do this one more time, I am going to divorce you’? One comment that the listener provided was: “Once you say that, the whole nature of the relationship changes.”

I want to be upfront about a few things here. The following is what Caleb and I believe to be right, at this moment. We reserve the right to change our minds – we don’t want to come across as having it “all figured out”!

Also, I have extreme empathy for any of our listeners who are in this situation and are wrestling with this question. It is very difficult even to write this through my tears knowing the pain and questions in so many people’s hearts. So, if you’re in this situation, please reach out. We’d love to connect with you. For those of you not in this kind of dilemma, be thankful and then work on your marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY so you never find yourself in a situation like this!

That said, here’s our take:

Divorce does not please God. It is very hard on both spouses and very, very hard on children.

Generally speaking, husbands and wives should not desert or divorce their spouses and if they do, they should remain single and attempt to be reconciled. (1 Corinthians 7:10 & 11) However, there are three exceptions where a person can remarry:

•Where an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, the saved spouse is free to remarry. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

•In the case of sexual immorality; the bond is already broken and the faithful spouse is under no obligations to the covenant. (Matthew 5:31-32)

•If your spouse dies. (Romans 7:1-4)

Other than #3 though, life rarely fits so clearly or easily in the categories that we provided!

We believe that a couple should always aim for reconciliation, forgiveness, and rebuilding. We have seen that those marriages are often sweeter than even marriages that have never experienced the trauma of something major like an affair.

Pruch, a writer from a Baptist Seminary, suggests that “all cases should be handled on a case-by-case basis with great care and reliance on God’s Spirit through prayer, in concert with one’s elders and church family, while urging the guilty towards repentance.”

Perhaps, instead of divorce, we should be placing more emphasis on separation and suspending the divorce decision, while we work through a process of facilitating restoration and reconciliation.

When we discussed this issue in Episode 13 (link above), it was more for “minor threats”, or even using the threat as a joke or a way to get your own way. Obviously, the question from this listener is no joking matter.

So, to our listeners who are currently struggling with this, it’s definitely a complex matter. You have some biblical guidelines and you need to make your decision based on a multitude of factors including:

 Your own ability to forgive and reconcile.

Your evaluation of your spouse’s ability to seek help and find healing so that they become safe, monogamous lover for you.

Your own willingness to own your flaws and mistakes and not in any way enable the relationship to return to its broken state.

Your understanding of your own beliefs about whether remarriage is an option for you or if you would prefer to remain single.

Your understanding of your church community’s position on this.

Again, deciding whether to remain, separate or divorce your partner takes a lot of prayers and wise counsel. Therefore, we would recommend that you talk to responsible members of your church that can provide you with some helpful spiritual insight.

To all our other readers, our prayer is that your marriage NEVER gets to this point. That’s why we work to provide you with tools to help you build a thriving, passionate marriage.

Don’t take your marriage for granted – but steadily work to improve it!

We had the privilege this week of interviewing Tyler Ward, author of Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.

Tyler found that about 18 months into his marriage, despite having an awesome wife, things started to go south. Fights and arguments were becoming the norm. Knowing that he wanted better for his marriage, Tyler started to look at his own preconceived ideas of what marriage should look like. He began to scientifically "test" (I loved reading the results!) different ideas of how to improve his marriage and other aspects of life too. And rather than have me tell you the punchline, you need to go read his book for yourself! :)

Let me tell you this though, Tyler is a believer who comes at the subject of marriage with a real sense of care, humour and insight. He is both biblically informed and also research informed in his thinking about marriage which really echoes with our own approach to God’s wonderful blessing of marriage.

Rather than transcribe the whole conversation, we’re giving you the opportunity to either listen to the audio or watch the video of the interview.

You can find his book at:

Amazon.com - Marriage Rebranded

Barnes&nobles.com - Marriage Rebranded

iBooks (through iTunes)

Moodycollective.com - Marriage Rebranded

To follow Tyler and get updates on what he comes out with next, go to www.tylerwardis.com

Tyler also has a free ebook available in which he compiled the best quotes and advice from 25 marriage "professionals". Definitely worth taking a look at! You can find that at Noisetrade.