Can you forgive betrayal in marriage? Yes. But not the way most people think. Forgiveness after betrayal is not a single decision you make and then feel better. It is a process that unfolds over weeks and months, often painfully, as you move from the grip of anger and grief toward something you might not be able to imagine right now: compassion for the person who hurt you most.

If your spouse has betrayed you, whether through an affair, pornography use, emotional infidelity, or another deep breach of trust, the pain you are carrying is real. It is not something you need to rush past. Forgiveness does not mean pretending the hurt did not happen. It does not mean your spouse is off the hook. And it does not mean you have to stay in the marriage. What it means is that, when you are ready, you can begin to loosen the hold that anger, resentment, and grief have on your life so that the betrayal no longer defines you.

We see couples in our practice every week who are navigating this exact question. Some arrive convinced they will never be able to forgive. Others arrive wanting to forgive immediately, hoping it will make the pain stop. Both positions are understandable, and both need to be challenged gently. The path to genuine forgiveness lives somewhere in between, and it starts with understanding what forgiveness actually requires of you.

Forgiveness is more than a single decision, particularly when you are dealing with deep hurt. It is a journey of many steps, a process filled with difficult and sometimes painful choices. The process of forgiveness is what brings you from feelings of ill will, revenge, punishment, avoidance, or hatred toward a sense of what researchers call “benevolent emotion” toward the person who wronged you.

You know that you have genuinely forgiven when you are able to have warm, kind thoughts about the person who hurt you. When you can make the shift from negative feelings about your spouse to something more balanced, more whole. That will not happen all at once. As you forgive, you will still feel angry and hurt even as you start to build that benevolent emotion toward them. This is normal. This is the process.

And this forgiveness is something you need. Your mental health needs it. Your marriage, if you choose to rebuild it, needs it. In order for you to be healthy, you need to move toward forgiveness. Not the day after a betrayal. Not the week after. You need time to vent your anger, to grieve, to understand what happened before you can even begin this work. Depending on the severity of the betrayal, this might take weeks or months. That is completely okay.

But when you are in a place where you are ready to begin, and when you are in a safer place where the betrayal is no longer ongoing, you will find it is time to take that first step.

One of the reasons that forgiveness of a grave offense is so difficult is that it involves reframing. You will need to take a close look at the betrayal, your spouse, yourself, and then your marriage from a more complete perspective. Not a more positive perspective, necessarily. A more honest one. This is hard work, and it takes time. But it is the road that leads to freedom.

The first difficult step in the process is reframing what your spouse did to you. This means looking at what happened through a lens of empathy, which will help you toward forgiveness by lessening the intensity of the anger and blame you feel.

Let us be clear about what empathy does not mean here. Empathy does not mean excusing what your spouse did. It does not mean their choices were acceptable. It does not mean you are minimizing the damage. What empathy means in this context is stepping back far enough to see the bigger picture of what was happening in your spouse’s life, their emotional state, their history, and the vulnerabilities that contributed to their terrible decision.

In our practice, we often walk clients through this distinction carefully. One of the most common fears we hear is: “If I try to understand why they did it, doesn’t that let them off the hook?” No. Understanding why something happened is not the same as saying it was okay. A therapist working within attachment theory would frame it this way: your spouse’s behavior came from somewhere. It did not appear out of nothing. Understanding the “where” does not excuse the “what,” but it gives you information you need to decide what happens next.

When you are able to understand the how and the why of the betrayal, you are able to gain a more objective perspective. And as a result of reframing their action, you will start to experience relief from the feelings of anger and rage that may have been consuming you.

When you have been betrayed in marriage, your attention naturally locks onto the hurt. The pain fills the entire frame. This is why the first reframe matters: when you can begin to see the action in context, it also starts to change how you feel about the person.

By reframing, you begin to restore balance in your feelings about your spouse. There is far more to who your spouse is than the wrong they did to you. By seeing the bigger picture, you can start to look past the hurt and see the whole person again. Not immediately. Not easily. But gradually.

Once you have processed the initial wave of grief and started to reframe your feelings, you can begin to remember and reflect on the good things about your spouse. The qualities that drew you to them. The moments that mattered. And by taking those into account alongside the betrayal, you will start to rebuild a more complete picture.

You might be afraid to do this. Opening yourself up to warm feelings can make you feel vulnerable to being betrayed again. Or you might worry that reframing communicates to your spouse that what they did was acceptable. Sometimes choosing not to forgive, choosing not to reframe, functions as a safety mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt again.

This is where a trained counselor can make a real difference. In couples counseling, we help the betrayed spouse identify the difference between emotional vulnerability and emotional danger. Feeling vulnerable is part of healing. Being in actual danger, where the betrayal is ongoing or your spouse refuses accountability, is a different situation entirely. In the first case, the reframe helps. In the second, it is premature.

When you have been hurt, the voice in your head that screams “how could they do this to me?” can drown out everything else. The indignation feels righteous. You can begin to move into a place where your identity becomes entirely wrapped up in being the wronged party, the victim, the one who would never do something like this.

We want to be gentle here, because this is the most delicate of the four reframes. As you begin the healing process, it helps to remember that you, the offended spouse, have also done things in your life that have required forgiveness from others. Not the same things. Not of the same magnitude. But you have wanted and needed grace, too.

When you remember that, you begin to reframe how you view yourself. You start to see yourself as more than just a victim. You see yourself as a full human being who has both given and received forgiveness before.

This is not about moral equivalence. Your spouse’s betrayal is not the same as you forgetting an anniversary or losing your temper. The point is not to equalize the offenses. The point is to access the part of yourself that understands what it feels like to need forgiveness, because that part of you is the part that can eventually extend it.

Clinically, we see that people who remain locked in the identity of “the wronged one” for too long often struggle to move forward, even when the rest of the healing work is going well. The identity of being betrayed becomes a kind of prison of its own. Reframing how you see yourself is the key that opens that door.

The final reframe is the hardest of them all. It requires you to have gone through the previous three, because you will build on what you have learned from each of them.

In taking stock of the situation after a betrayal, you will need to examine the behavior and attitude changes your marriage must undergo to prevent this from happening again. Your spouse will need to see how and why they came to a place where they would betray you. That is their work, and it is non-negotiable.

But here is the part that is extremely difficult to hear: you will also need to take stock of the ways the marriage dynamic as a whole contributed to an environment where this offense became possible. This does not mean the betrayal was your fault. It was not. The person who betrayed you made a choice, and that choice belongs to them.

What it does mean is that a marriage is a system. And systems have patterns. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we look at the negative interaction cycle that a couple has built over time, the ways they have learned to protect themselves from each other that inadvertently push the other away. Understanding that cycle is not about blame. It is about building something different going forward.

A large part of this fourth reframe is reminding yourself that the two of you are a team in rebuilding. By seeing that the one who hurt you is actually on your side in the repair work, you will find it easier to forgive them than if you continue to see them as an outsider in your own marriage.

Start small. Go for groceries together. Plan a family outing. Find a way to serve in your community together. As you take small steps as a team, you begin to build a new sense of togetherness and partnership that you may not have had before. It may feel awkward. You may feel like you are just going through the motions. But as you practice working together, you are both settling into the rhythm of rebuilding what was broken.

Betrayals from your spouse can be severe enough to inflict symptoms of betrayal trauma. Hypervigilance. Intrusive thoughts. Difficulty sleeping. A sense that the world is no longer safe. When trauma is present, the already difficult process of forgiveness gets harder because the betrayal has quite literally changed how your brain processes safety and threat.

When you have been hurt this deeply, you can lose the sense of security you had in your marriage, in yourself, in the trustworthiness of everyone around you. The reframing work described above becomes even more important, but it also needs to move more slowly. Your nervous system needs time to settle before your thinking brain can do the work of reframing.

If the full weight of forgiveness feels impossible right now, try the incremental approach. You can break down the betrayal into smaller pieces and work through the reframing steps on the parts that are relatively smaller first. Forgiving the whole betrayal all at once may seem impossible. But forgiving it piece by piece, over time, is something many of the couples we work with have accomplished.

Maybe you are not ready to forgive the final act of betrayal, but maybe you can show empathy and forgive your spouse for feeling too ashamed to tell you sooner. Perhaps tomorrow you will be ready to forgive them for pulling away emotionally in the months before. With each step, you continue on the long road toward a settled peace.

Much of the confusion around forgiveness after betrayal comes from misunderstanding what forgiveness actually requires. Here is what forgiveness is not:

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can forgive your spouse and still decide the marriage is over. Forgiveness is an internal process. Reconciliation is a relational one that requires both people to be actively engaged in repair. They are not the same thing, and one does not require the other.

Forgiveness is not restored trust. Trust is rebuilt through consistent, observable behavior over time. Forgiveness can happen before trust is fully restored. In fact, it usually does. Telling yourself “I should trust them because I forgave them” puts the cart before the horse. Forgiveness opens the door. Trust is earned back by your spouse walking through it, day after day.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. You will remember what happened. The memory may become less sharp over time, less consuming, less painful. But forgiveness does not erase the event. It changes your relationship to the memory so that it no longer controls you.

Forgiveness is not weakness. It takes significant courage and emotional strength to move toward forgiveness after betrayal. Holding onto anger can feel powerful, but it often keeps you stuck. Choosing to forgive is one of the bravest things a person can do.

If you are struggling with forgiveness after betrayal, you are not alone, and you do not have to figure this out by yourself. A counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma and infidelity recovery can help you navigate the reframing process at a pace that respects your healing. They can also help your spouse understand what genuine accountability looks like, because forgiveness becomes much harder when the person who hurt you has not taken real ownership of what they did.

At Therapevo, we work with couples navigating betrayal every day. If you are ready to start this work, or even if you are not sure whether you are ready, a free 20-minute consultation can help you figure out where you stand and what your next step might be. No pressure. Just a conversation about what you need right now.

Yes, but it is a process that takes time, not a one-time decision. Genuine forgiveness after betrayal involves working through painful emotions, gaining a more complete perspective on what happened, and eventually reaching a place where the betrayal no longer controls your emotional life. Many couples we work with in counseling do reach this place, though the timeline varies widely.

Forgiveness is an internal process you do for yourself. It means releasing the grip of resentment and the impulse to punish. Reconciliation is a relational process that requires both partners to actively engage in rebuilding the relationship. You can forgive without reconciling, and in some cases that is the healthiest path forward.

There is no fixed timeline. For some people, the process takes months. For others, especially when betrayal trauma is present, it can take a year or more. The pace depends on the severity of the betrayal, whether your spouse is actively engaged in accountability and repair, and whether you have professional support. Rushing the process almost always backfires.

If you feel unable to forgive right now, that does not mean you never will. It may simply mean you are not yet in a place where forgiveness is possible because the pain is still too fresh or because your spouse has not demonstrated the accountability needed for you to feel safe. A therapist who specializes in betrayal recovery can help you understand what is blocking the forgiveness process and whether the barriers are internal, relational, or both.

No. Forgiveness and trust are separate processes. Forgiveness is something you choose for your own healing. Trust is rebuilt through your spouse’s consistent, observable behavior over time. You may forgive your spouse long before you fully trust them again, and that is completely normal and healthy.

References

Bono, G. “Commonplace Forgiveness: From Healthy Relationships to Healthy Society.” Humboldt Journal of Social Relations 29, no. 2 (2005): 82-110.

Worthington, E. L. (2001). Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving. Crown Publishing.

So you’re trying to have a serious conversation with your spouse, but it doesn’t seem to be working. They aren’t answering the questions you ask. Instead, they seem to be ignoring you or shutting you out. And that just gets you even more upset. Don’t they care?

It’s easy to take these situations personally, to assume that these actions are deliberate. But what if it wasn’t? When you conflict with your spouse, something interesting happens inside of both of you that inhibits your ability to hear or even to remember what is said.

To properly understand what is going on when your spouse appears to be shutting down or shutting you out during marital conflict, you need a quick primer on the nervous system.

Your central nervous system (CNS) is a collection of nerves and cells that connects your brain and spinal cord to the rest of your body, allowing signals and messages to be transmitted back and forth. Always on, it enables you to control your bodily functions, most of which are subconscious.

By not having to concentrate on things like your heartbeat or digestion, this frees you up to focus on higher level tasks. You can work, exercise, watch movies, or talk with others. Since the CNS handles the plethora of unconscious tasks in your body, you can focus on the conscious challenges.

In the event of a stressful situation, the CNS responds, affecting you on both conscious and subconscious levels. Based on the severity of the threat, it begins to override every other priority that you have at the moment. This strong response is designed to protect you from potential danger. If you encountered a wolf as you walked in the local park, your CNS response would allow you to quickly stop worrying about what’s for dinner and instead focus on not becoming dinner.

These responses can range from moderate to extreme, depending on the situation. Extreme responses are usually given for extreme situations when you are in clear, imminent danger.[1] In these cases, your CNS might shut down enough body functions that you flee, collapse, faint, or dissociate from the experience.

Our primal desire to stay alive is more important to our body than even our ability to think about staying alive [or to think about much else, for that matter].[2]

While marital conflict does not typically trigger this extreme reaction, it still is common for conflict to trigger a notable CNS response. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel that your spouse is a threat to you. However, if they are upset with you, then your safety in your marriage is at risk. Because safety is at risk, your CNS triggers alarm bells to try to protect that safety.

When you have a serious conflict with the most important person in your life, your body registers this as a significant emergency. It activates all of the fight or flight tools for survival like increased heart rate, respiration, and cortisol. And worse yet, it decreases your ability to reason, ironically making it more challenging to deal with the conflict at hand.

Another issue with this response is that it is most concerned with self-preservation. When you are fighting with your spouse, you need to focus on preserving your marriage, not yourself. Please note that this is about typical marital conflicts, not situations of spousal abuse when you do need to be focusing on self-preservation.

When your nervous system is activated, your thought patterns do not run the same way they do when you are calm. Your CNS response makes it more challenging to be open and engaged, making it more difficult to exchange information and affection. It affects nearly every single organ in your body.

Your body starts to release hormones like adrenaline. Your mind becomes hyper-aware of your environment. Your heart begins to race, and you might even start to sweat. Your fight or flight system activates, pushing you to be aggressive and defensive towards your spouse (fight) or else pushing you to walk away or shut out the threat (flight).

If you can stay in a calm state, you will more emotionally open, more facially expressive, and better at listening to and understanding each other.[3] These all are essential tools to connect and solve problems together. And if you both are calm, you help each other by showing affection and affirming the safety and security of your marriage.

However, your own CNS tends to fight this, acting directly against the tools you need to tackle the situation together.

Interestingly, your body reduces your ability to listen while under stress. Your CNS filters out the range of sound in which human voices fall. It does this to heighten your ability to detect threats you would expect in a survival scenario. Your nervous system forces you to focus on strange or unusual sounds like a twig snapping in the forest or shoe scraping on cement.

Your nervous system is trying to help you survive, but in a marital conflict, it ends up inhibiting your ability to hear each other. It doesn’t mean that either of you wants to stop listening, only that your bodies are making it more challenging to do so.

In these situations, your body even compromises your ability to reason well.[4] Sometimes when you or your spouse are in an argument, one of you might say something out of character. You might jump to ridiculous or extreme conclusions, reacting with irrational fears that don’t make sense when you are in a calmer state.

Again, your nervous system is trying to help you survive. Heightened emotional responses and logical leaps are meant to help you get out of harm’s way, but in the context of marital conflict, they only make the situation worse.

Affecting more than just reasoning, your CNS also has been found to respond to stress by affecting your ability to create narrative memory.[5] After an argument, you or your spouse might only remember bits and pieces. You might have a difficult time tracing back the course of the argument or understanding why you were fighting in the first place.

This is why it is so crucial to be able to learn how to return to a state of calm. You will not only be better able to deal with the conflict in the present, but you will also remember and learn more from the experience in the future.

It’s important to reiterate that the very reason why your survival mechanisms kick in during marital conflict is that they are incredibly important to you. Even though your CNS may not actually be helping you, it is responding because you instinctively know that your marriage is in danger. So what is the best way to manage this response?

Researchers have found that the best way to adapt to stressful circumstances is through the practice of emotional regulation.[6] By doing things that reduce your vulnerability to unwanted feelings, you prepare yourself for stressful situations.

This will help to reverse the effect that your nervous system has on your body, allowing you to return to a calmer mindset. And this, in turn, will allow you to be more aware and present, better equipped to deal with the situation at hand.

Again, the relationship the CNS has with the body works both ways. While stress can trigger your CNS to tell your body to behave in certain ways, certain behaviors can signal to your CNS that you are no longer in danger. In this way, you communicate through your body to your nervous system that the stress response is no longer necessary.

A stress response will typically cause you to accelerate your breathing involuntarily. Researchers have found that when people who have post-traumatic stress disorder breathe mindfully and meditate, they can reduce their stress and anxiety levels. While not everyone has PTSD, the principle remains the same.

When you are in a stressful situation, such as arguing with your spouse, start by breathing slowly and deeply. By consciously controlling your breathing, you are telling your CNS that it can calm down.

Your nervous system’s response to stress involves pushing you to escape or fight your way to a safer place. So if you can picture yourself in a peaceful place, you can “hack” your CNS, signaling to it that you’re no longer in the dangerous situation anymore. So perhaps revisit a favorite childhood memory, or visualize sunbathing at the beach. Just try to think of a specific time and place that will help you calm down, and your body will begin to relax.

Of course, you need to tell with your spouse what you are doing. Otherwise, they may think that you are just checking out, or that you don’t consider this issue to be important enough to focus on. Let them know that you are taking a moment to calm down your body because you believe that the discussion is important enough to require your full attention.

Because your CNS has locked down so many processes, you need to reestablish your connection with your body. As a result, it is common to hear of people going for a walk to clear their heads. And while a marital conflict is not always the best time to go for a walk, at the same time slow and mindful movements can help you reconnect your body with your mind.[7] Again, just be sure to tell your spouse you’re doing this so you can reconnect — not so that you can disconnect.

Physical activities are not the only method to push back on your nervous system’s stress response. There are several psychological techniques that will enable you to diffuse a high-stress situation with your spouse.

Researchers know that the way you perceive the nature of the source of stress affects how you will react to it. People often can view stressful situations as challenges or threats.[8] If you see the situation as a threat, you start to shut down your intellectual and physical capacity to deal with it.

If, on the other hand, you view the situation as a challenge (rather than a threat), you will have more mental resources at your disposal, helping you cope and rise to the occasion. Challenges do not activate your nervous system as much as threats do. So viewing conflict as a challenge (not in the sense of something to win, but something to collaboratively solve) will tell your body to engage and lean into instead of running away or defending.[9]

Because this helps you better deal with the situation, always pay attention to how you are framing the issue. And let your spouse know as well. By showing them that this is a problem with a solution and not a dangerous threat, you help each of you calm down and more rationally approach the situation together.

Of course, this is easier said than done. When you are under stress, it can be tough to bring good things about your spouse to mind. But according to research, positive feedback helps during difficult times.[10]

Even if your spouse is saying hurtful things, don’t forget all the good things they have done. Take note of the good that you can see (or recall) at that moment and affirm them. Appreciate their calmness, their observations, or the fact that they care enough about your relationship to fight for it. Find the common ground. By doing this, you remind one another of the fundamental truth that often gets overlooked in conflict: you are working together for the same goals.

You may have difficulties or differences right now, but ultimately, you are on the same team. And giving positive feedback will remind both of you that the other is not your enemy, leading you to calmer and more stable states of mind.

By calming both your body and your mind, you can push back on your nervous system’s automatic response to stress. You will be better able to engage with the problem, allowing you to find the solution together.

Remember that if your spouse is shutting down or even lashing out, they are doing this because of how important you are to them. If you did not matter, their CNS would not be activating like this. They react in this manner because they are just so desperately afraid to lose you that every fiber of their being is straining and being strained to bring everything they value back to a place of safety.

Unfortunately, it isn’t always pretty. Their nervous system is making it more difficult to hear, to understand, to reason, or even to remember. So help each other out by giving yourselves a little room to calm down. Take a step back, breathe, calm yourselves, and then start to work on the problem together.

References

[1] Puder, David. “Emotional Shutdown—Understanding Polyvagal Theory.” Professional. Psychiatry Podcast, July 9, 2018. https://psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/polyvagal-theory-understanding-emotional-shutdown

[2] Puder.           

[3] Puder.

[4] Kassam, K, K Koslov, and W Mendes. “Decisions Under Distress: Stress Profiles Influence Anchoring and Adjustment.” Psychological Science 20, no. 11 (2009): 1394–99.

[5] Puder, “Emotional Shutdown—Understanding Polyvagal Theory.”

[6] El-Sheikh, M, J Harger, and S Whitson. “Exposure to Interparental Conflict and Children’s Adjustment and Physical Health: The Moderating Role of Vagal Tone.” Child Development 72, no. 6 (2001): 1617–36.

[7] Puder, “Emotional Shutdown—Understanding Polyvagal Theory.”

[8] Kassam, Koslov, and Mendes, “Decisions Under Distress: Stress Profiles Influence Anchoring and Adjustment.”

[9] Kassam, Koslov, and Mendes.

[10] Kassam, Koslov, and Mendes.

There are few things more discouraging than coming to your spouse with something exciting to share and being met with a blank stare. Or saying what a disappointing day you’ve had and being told to be more positive.

In relationships, you want to be understood. You want your spouse to feel what you feel, to validate the experiences that you’re having. It can be devastating when that doesn’t happen. But if you’re able to cultivate empathy, you will be able to find more stability and intimacy in your marriage.

More than simply hearing someone else, empathy is about being able to take on their perspective almost as if it were your own.[1],[2] You can stand in their shoes and see the world through their lens. It’s about being able to fully understand what a situation is like for someone else.[3]

It’s not enough to feel sorry for the other person. Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Experiencing empathy is telling them that you can feel their pain and understand why they feel it, not merely feeling sorry that they are in pain. Showing empathy in this way validates their experience, telling them that it’s understandable to feel this way.

Empathy doesn’t necessarily require you to agree with the other’s perspective. If your spouse is furious with how a friend treated them, showing empathy doesn’t mean you have to be angry at their friend. But it does mean being willing to listen and understand the reasons for their anger. It means acknowledging that it makes sense they would be upset.

It can be challenging to feel the ups and downs of another your spouse’s experience. But if you take the time to hear them out and put yourself in their shoes, you can offer them something valuable: being seen and understood.

In marriage, empathy brings a broad range of benefits to the table.[4] Being able to show empathy to your spouse is a big part of being able to have a well-adjusted and stable relationship. When you can understand their perspective, you will be able to better adjust to married life, reducing the possibility of divorce.

Empathy is a skill that you develop, and some marriage counselors even suggest empathy training for newlywed couples. For some, it comes naturally, but training can help individuals be more understanding despite not learning this skill as children or even as adults. And everyone can benefit from further developing empathy, as it provides new and more profound ways to communicate and interact.

Research shows that becoming better at expressing empathetic understanding often leads to improved relationship satisfaction. After all, feeling understood meets a deep need that can’t be found anywhere else.

There are three primary building blocks to help expand in your capacity for empathy:[5]

To see things from your spouse’s perspective, they first have to be able to share it with you. If you want your spouse to understand you, you need to be open and willing to share your perspective with them. Looking for your spouse to feel what you feel? You have to be honest about how you’re feeling.

So dishonesty gets in the way of allowing yourself or your spouse to extend empathy. Sometimes it creeps in for genuine reasons. You might want to protect your spouse from the stress of your work life, so you choose to say that you’re okay after you come home.

But you need the courage and willingness to expose even the most carefully hidden parts of you to your spouse. If you want to have a deeper relationship, you need to be honest and vulnerable enough to share everything with your spouse, not just the easy stuff.

While similar to sympathy, which was defined above, compassion goes beyond just feeling bad for someone. It’s about genuinely seeking to understand for the sake of helping the other.

Compassion helps to develop your empathy because it provides a caring motivation for doing so. When you can feel for your spouse, you will be able to start feeling with them. When you emotionally engage with and respond to what your spouse is feeling, you provide a fantastic way to have experience intimacy with one another.

One of the reasons to contrast empathy with sympathy is that sympathy can easily lead you to assume that you know better. When your spouse comes crying to you, it’s easy to think that they are only feeling this way because they don’t have the insight that you do in the situation. And somehow it’s up to you to educate them how to react correctly to their situation.

However, this assumption actually keeps you from feeling what they feel. If you don’t treat them with the same level of respect as you treat yourself, you will dismiss their perspective instead of understanding it. Equity is about being fair and impartial. Your spouse deserves someone able to listen and show empathy as an equal, and when you are that person for them, you help build a deeper relationship.

So what are you supposed to do if you can’t see any capacity for empathy from your spouse? You need to remember that empathy is developed. Maybe in their home growing up, that wasn’t a value that was encouraged. Perhaps empathy wasn’t something offered to them, so they never learned how to be empathetic.

Certain personality disorders can make it difficult to show empathy, but it’s quite rare for a person to be completely unable to show empathy. Only sociopaths and psychopaths are like this. So odds are that your spouse just needs to learn how to develop her empathy skills.

Or, what happens when your spouse is more empathetic to others than to you? It’s understandable to feel offended at this, but it’s possible that this doesn’t mean they value others more than you. Researchers have found that some people have learned to express empathy in specific contexts and relationships more than in others.[6]

Rather than assuming to know why they do this, see it as a chance to show some curiosity and build empathy with them. Try to find out why they show empathy in some situations and not in others. In discovering this, you can better understand them as you help them better understand you.

Instead of assuming that they can’t or that they refuse to show empathy to you, take the opportunity to help them do a better job of expressing empathy in your marriage. By doing this, you will help build intimacy together.

Now that you know the foundation and broad strokes of empathy and its relationship with intimacy, here are three tangible strategies to apply in your marriage:

You need to show through actions that you truly believe that it’s not all about you. It’s not just an external signifier, as you do need to internalize this. But your spouse needs to see you demonstrate this behavior.

To achieve this, you actually will have to temporarily put your own ideas and feelings on hold.[7] As you do this, you will be building a relationship where your spouse will begin to reciprocate, giving you the time and space to share your ideas and feelings as well.

For example, what do you do when they tell you a story about how crazy their day was? Do you counter with how much more insane your day was? Or do you listen and ask questions, affirming them as you show them understanding and empathy?

Remember that you need to focus on your spouse. As much as you want to talk about your own experience, you need to make sure that you are meeting the needs of your spouse. If you use their opening up and sharing of their lives as a chance to talk about yourself, they might give up. They won’t feel listened to, and you’ll lose an opportunity to deepen your intimacy through empathy.

But if you take the time to hear them out and validate their feelings and experience, they will feel loved and acknowledged. And maybe that will open up a perfect time for you to share the craziness of your own day.

Just as long as you remember that it’s not all about you.

A major pitfall when you start trying to listen to your spouse is listening in order to respond. You may have the perfect response or illustration for the conversation; you’re just waiting for the opening. But listening to respond isn’t actually listening.

When you do this, you miss out on important moments in your conversation. You miss out on the core needs of your spouse. They might be desperate to hear affirmation, but you’re so focused on what you have to say that you miss out on meeting their need.

If, however, you listen to understand, you will achieve what’s called “shared meaning”.[8] This happens when you both realize you understand what your spouse said in the way that they intended for you to understand it.

This can be such a difficult thing to accomplish that it’s no wonder it doesn’t happen when you listen to respond! But if you listen to understand, you will be able to enter into their experience empathically and you will create shared meaning.

And when you feel their frustration, their joy, their sorrow as they do, you discover something beautiful. Each other. Through this shared meaning, you see your loved one and know them intimately, and your spouse knows this is happening.

Time is precious. In a world that demands your attention, the focus that you place on your spouse is invaluable. Don’t let yourself be distracted by the news, the notifications on your phone, or your Facebook feed. Look at them when they are sharing with you.

What do they look like? Are they relaxed or agitated? Are they maintaining eye contact or looking away frequently? Is their posture open and aimed in your direction or closed and aimed away?

As you listen, pay attention to the visual cues and clues that they are showing you. Body language is another source of information to discover more about your spouse. It will help paint a more complete picture of what your spouse is feeling.

Not only will this allow you to learn more, but it will signal to your spouse the value you are placing on your relationship. There are few things more intimate than having your loved one’s focused, undivided attention when you are sharing something meaningful.

To empathize with one another, you also need to pay attention to help you understand.

The reason showing empathy is critical to achieving intimacy is that it is all about understanding what makes your spouse tick. When they are talking, what are they saying? How can you use this chance to be a partner who will know them inside and out?

Empathy gives you a chance to walk in their shoes despite never having experienced precisely what they have. It bridges the gap between your differences. You can live through each other’s fears, strengths, needs, and desires.

Through empathy, you can feel understood and validated. And you will experience an ever-growing, ever-deepening intimacy as you build your relationship with care, respect, and compassion.

References

[1] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[2] Vernon, G., & Stewart, R. (1957). “Empathy as a Process in the Dating Situation.” American Sociological Review, 22(1), 48-52. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/2088764.

[3] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[4] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[5] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[6] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[7] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

[8] Edgar C. J. Long, Angera, J., Carter, S., Nakamoto, M., & Kalso, M. (1999). “Understanding the One You Love: A Longitudinal Assessment of an Empathy Training Program for Couples in Romantic Relationships.” Family Relations, 48(3), 235-242. Doi:10.2307/585632.

So there you are, carrying on with your day as usual when for some reason, your spouse does something completely unexpected. You have two options at this point. You could make an assumption based on previous experience, or you can choose to investigate further to find out something new.

Making an assumption is generally more comfortable, but it represents a missed opportunity to get closer to your spouse. When confronted with the unexpected, curiosity can push you into areas of discovery that will deepen intimacy in your marriage.

Curiosity is the desire to learn new things, bridging the gap between what you know and what you want to know.[1] If irreducibility is the idea that your spouse is infinitely complex, curiosity is the drive that pushes you to continue your quest to know them.

Typically, curiosity leads to a sense of resolution as you find something new. That discovery satiates you, and you move on. Not so with marriage. In some ways, curiosity is like sex. When you have physical intimacy with your spouse, there is a resolution to your lovemaking but that resolution is never finally satiated. You will want more.

Curiosity allows you to seek and discover new things about each other continually. When you find out something new, it is satisfying but that does mean the discovery of all there is to learn about your spouse is complete. There’s always more!

And so curiosity and irreducibility provide a cycle that repeats itself over and over. Curiosity seeks new information that irreducibility provides, discovers it, and then provides a feeling of resolve when you learn something new.[2] And so curiosity pulls you into a grand, lifelong chase of exploring your spouse, always pushing you towards the next revelation.

Knowing the different ways that curiosity affects intimacy will help paint a picture of how you can apply curiosity in your marriage. Here are five ways that curiosity works to deepen intimacy:

As the saying goes, closed mouths don’t get fed. You can’t learn about your spouse if you do not allow yourself to.[3] Curiosity supplies the drive to discover new revelations, creating the opportunity to build understanding in your marriage.

That understanding is critical to finding acceptance in each other. For example, when your spouse does something that agitates you, without enough information, you will tend to make up your own explanation. And in a distressed marriage, confirmation bias will often influence you to assume the worst.

Curiosity provides a healthier response. When confronted with something you don’t understand, curiosity helps you constructively seek to understand what is happening for your spouse. Doing this allows you to improve your relationship instead of making assumptions that inhibit growth.

When you ask your spouse questions, you allow them to share things with you. When they choose to share, and you listen to them, a process begins called self-expansion. Essentially, this is the process of growing and learning from the things your spouse shares with you.

When we are in a relationship that offers self-expansion opportunities, besides feeling closer to our partner, we become linked to them—their qualities become part of us. Several studies show that greater self-expansion corresponds to greater relationship satisfaction and commitment.[4]

Self-expansion helps you to grow through what your curiosity uncovers about your spouse. In a way, their strengths, ideas, and resources become yours as well. When you witness your spouse showing growth you didn’t see before, that encourages you to grow in that area as well.

As curiosity helps you grow, you become more fulfilled in and committed to your marriage. Because you are now working as one unit. Curiosity and self-expansion mean that when one of you grows, both do.

When you are engrossed in your own world, filled solely with your thoughts, ideas, and desires, your perspective becomes close-minded. Because you aren’t opening yourself up to your spouse, you won’t be able to understand or grow together.

However, curiosity does the opposite.[5] It shifts your perspective outside of yourself. And the stronger your curiosity, the higher your levels of openness.[6] When you choose to learn about your spouse, you choose to open your heart and to engage with whatever may come.[7]

That openness gives you and your spouse a safe place to share. By being open, your spouse can feel secure knowing that you won’t judge them. And as you both open up to each other, you can speak honestly from the heart. In this way, curiosity enables you to grow your intimacy with one another.

As you each become less close-minded, curiosity also helps you both respond to and engage with the challenges you face. Higher levels of curiosity have been linked with adaptability and proactiveness.[8] As a result, you will be better equipped to handle changes and difficulties in your marital life.

Rather than fearing change, curiosity gives you the confidence and the tools to respond to new information. No matter what the changes mean, you will be ready. And as you stand together to face the challenges ahead, your intimacy grows. Because you know that whatever life brings you, you will be able to survive and thrive, together.

If you don’t learn to adapt, you learn to fear uncertainty. Without curiosity, you only think from your perspective, relying on assumptions, expectations, or initial impressions of situations instead of investigating further. Researchers have found that doing this leads to premature conclusions and reliance on stereotypes.[9]

This line of reasoning will often lead you to conclusions that aren’t supported by facts. Curiosity fights this by helping you unearth what’s really happening. Instead of jumping to conclusions, through curiosity, you will find the space to connect and find common ground. You can move past your often negative gut response to find understanding.

Curious people show a strong tendency to engage in tension-producing situations that offer self-expansion opportunities … When profoundly aware and curious, a person is able to be responsive to the disclosures of other people and enjoy this intimacy generation process regardless of any negative thoughts and emotions.[10]

When your spouse does the unexpected, choose curiosity. Seek to understand rather than to assume. Take advantage of this chance to reach out with love, acceptance, and compassion.

As mentioned in our previous post about irreducibility, it’s impossible for you to know everything about yourself, much less your spouse. And even if it were possible to know everything at one moment, you and your spouse are always growing and developing. There’s still something new to know.

One great thing about curiosity is that it breeds interest. Scholars have found that even in situations that are not inherently engaging, curious people can generate interest on their own.[11] So even if your marriage might seem a little boring, curiosity can revitalize it and bring excitement.

For example, have you found yourself stuck doing small talk with a stranger? You ask the standard questions out of politeness when “Bam!” They say something that grabs your attention. Suddenly, you’re engaged in a new exchange that you were not expecting.

You need to look for that subtle flicker in conversations with your spouse. It’s smoldering there under the surface, but with a little air, a little interest, sparks will fly. If you pay attention and let curiosity guide you, you’ll always find ways to bring that fire back to life.

There is no one way to be curious, but there are some ways to use it intentionally to increase intimacy in your marriage:

References

[1] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[2] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[3] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[4] Rose, Paul (last), Fincham, Frank, McKnight, Patrick, and Kashdan, Todd. “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.” Journal of Personality 79, no. 6 (December 1, 2011): 1369–97. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00697.x.

[5] Pritscher, C. (2010). Chapter Nine: Generating Wonder and Curiosity. Counterpoints, 384, 107-123. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/42980769.

[6] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[7] Rose, Paul (last) et al., “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.”

[8] Mussel, P. (2013). “Introducing the Construct Curiosity for Predicting Job Performance.” Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4), 453-472. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/23464120.

[9] Rose, Paul (last) et al., “When Curiosity Breeds Intimacy: Taking Advantage of Intimacy Opportunities and Transforming Boring Conversations.”

[10] Rose, Paul (last) et al.

[11] Rose, Paul (last) et al.

[12] Walsh, P. (1988). The Rights and Wrongs of Curiosity (Plutarch to Augustine). Greece & Rome, 35(1), 73-85. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/643280.

[13] Walsh, P. (1988). The Rights and Wrongs of Curiosity (Plutarch to Augustine). Greece & Rome, 35(1), 73-85. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/643280.

How can your marriage work when the two of you are so wildly different? At the start of your marriage, it’s easy to overlook those differences. But the more you get to know your spouse, the more you realize that they are a totally distinct person from you.

While that can be overwhelming or even unexpected, this is an incredible step towards developing intimacy. Learning to appreciate and explore the mystery of the individual you are married to will help you grow closer to one another.

The first step, while perhaps a little tedious, is to define terms. Irreducibility and autonomy are critical psychological concepts to nail down. Once you see what each means, you will see how crucial they are as you work to build a marriage together.

You and your spouse are separate people. And autonomy means that you each have the ability and the right to govern yourself [1]. Each of you can be independent and complete without the other.

This might seem to contradict how you might see marriage portrayed. Some of the most romantic quotes from movies (e.g. “you complete me”) can give the impression that we are incomplete without the other. This isn’t the case; you are absolutely capable of existing apart from your partner.

Marriage is choosing to become interdependent, to become one, not surrendering the capacity to be independent altogether. Understanding this will protect you against psychological abuse that says that you can’t live without your partner or that says you are nothing without them.

Autonomy in marriage means that no matter what, you and your spouse are two individuals with the ability to make choices independent from each other (even though you have chosen to live inside the union of marriage).

Knowing that you are separate allows you to build on that idea. Since you are autonomous, you will never fully understand the mind and heart of your spouse. This is irreducibility. Being different people means that each of you will have different emotions, thoughts, and motivations.

And this is a great thing! If you could fully understand and comprehend your spouse, then at a certain point, your intimacy would stop growing. Your marriage would become stagnant if you stopped trying to get to know your spouse.

Irreducibility brings hope to marriage. It means there is always something more to know, always another way to become more intimate, to grow, to deepen your understanding of one another.

As two married, autonomous, irreducible individuals, you are bound to run into differences in thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and experiences. Discovering these differences will affect your behavior and how you interact with one another.[2]

The truth is that discovering these things will take a lifetime. No matter how long you have known each other, you will always surprise one another. This should not cause you to feel anxious or somehow inadequate as a spouse. Instead, this should encourage you to pursue one another continually.

Irreducibility brings vibrancy, mystery, and excitement. If you embrace it in your marriage, you will never be bored with your spouse. Instead, you will have a foundation for exploration, creativity, understanding, and intimacy between you.

Now that you know what autonomy and irreducibility are and the roles they play in marriage in general, here are some practical steps to see how they can deepen the intimacy in your own lives:

It’s not enough to know about autonomy and irreducibility in marriage. Those concepts only give you the framework. If for whatever reason you have stopped trying to understand each other, you need to take the next logical step. You need to pursue your lifelong journey of understanding your spouse.

This journey will be full of wonder and surprises. As you continually get to know your spouse, resist the urge to give up, thinking that somehow you’ve made it. Instead, let curiosity push you forward. As you learn more and more about each other, you will understand each other better, deepening your intimacy.[3]

Sometimes without realizing, you can find yourself in a rut or a routine. You’ve started to coast, no longer driven by curiosity to explore one another. In these moments, remember that there’s more to explore, to understand about each other.

So try something new. Use your autonomy, your ability to make decisions as an individual to help the two of you discover new experiences together. Put yourselves in an unfamiliar environment or situation. There, you will find something new to learn with and about your spouse, helping you get out of that rut.

However, there is a balance to be had here. You need to be careful not to put too much value on autonomy and independence in marriage. Research shows that overemphasis on individualism and personal space is linked to higher divorce rates.[4]

While you do need to acknowledge your differences in marriage, you also must partner and work together as one flesh. This is why you need to bring in the other ingredients of intimacy–vulnerability, curiosity, and empathy. These provide counterbalances to autonomy and independence.

Marriage is about two “Me’s” becoming “We.” If you forget this and remain as two “Me’s,” you will start to undo intimacy.

Finally, as you embrace the irreducibility and autonomy in your marriage, you need to learn to employ healthy compromise. Again, learn to find balance. In abusive marriages, only one person can enforce their will. When this happens, the other partner will secretly look for ways to free themselves.[5]

So if you don’t compromise and become overbearing and domineering, you will push away your spouse.

Compromise is not about betraying your values in favor of theirs. Compromise is an invitation into a dance where each of you learns what the other wants. And together you find your rhythm and step forward through the song as one.

Whenever you are making decisions, do everything you can to find out what the other is thinking. Just because they agree with your suggestion doesn’t mean that they are happy with it. Compromise sometimes means doing the hard work of asking questions even when you think you know their answers.

Asking questions invites them into a conversation where they can share who they truly are. And compromise allows each of you to express yourselves and even surprise one another as you deepen your intimacy as a couple.

References

[1] Laceulle, H. (2018). “Autonomy. In Aging and Self-Realization: Cultural Narratives about Later Life” (Pp. 159-188). Bielefeld: Transcript Verlag. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/j.Ctv8d5tp1.9.

[2] Wilson, J., & Musick, M. (1995). “Personal Autonomy in Religion and Marriage; Is There a Link? Review of Religious Research”, 37(1), 3-18. Doi:10.2307/3512067.

[3] Obert, Julia C. “What We Talk about When We Talk about Intimacy.” Emotion, Space and Society 21 (November 1, 2016): 25–32. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.emospa.2016.10.002.

[4] Wilson, J., & Musick, M. (1995). “Personal Autonomy in Religion and Marriage; Is There a Link? Review of Religious Research”, 37(1), 3-18. Doi:10.2307/3512067.

[5] Weber, M., & Bermingham, C. (2003). “Authority and Autonomy in Marriage. Sociological Theory”, 21(2), 85-102. Retrieved from Http://Www.Jstor.Org/Stable/3108620.

Intimacy is something that everyone wants for their marriage. But achieving that requires risk. Because to deepen intimacy in your marriage, you will need to open up to your spouse, to be vulnerable.

Intimacy is complex. It is not something that happens passively; you must work with your spouse to put it together. Vulnerability is a crucial piece, one of the four primary aspects working in sync as parts of the whole[1].

Your spouse is not a puzzle you can solve. Whenever you think you know everything about them, you’ll always find something new. Irreducibility means respecting the fact that your spouse is a fully realized human being, with an infinite number of intricacies. Their emotions, thoughts, and motivations run incredibly deep and constantly change. No matter how long you’ve known them, they will always surprise you.

Knowing that you can’t fully comprehend your spouse does not stop you from trying. On the contrary, curiosity compels you to pursue them, to get to know them, to understand them. It’s the eternal pursuit of marriage to know and be known by one another. Every day of your relationship should be a dance, an adventure where you relish another chance to learn something new about each other.

Humans crave connection. But fear of rejection and pain can cause you to close yourself off from others, to protect yourself. Because opening yourself up to another person means you are handing them the power to hurt you.

Marriage is different than other relationships. You committed to fight together, to depend on each other, to have each other’s back. You can’t have that deep connection to one another if you are not willing to be vulnerable. So try to let that person into the places you have shielded from others.

Yes, there is risk here. But this is where the payoff is. When another person can see you and accept you for who you truly are, you will find an incredibly deep, profound connection.

Your spouse craves that connection as well. That’s why you married each other! By sharing in your spouse’s joy, sadness, pain, hopes, fears, and dreams, you can understand and accept them for who they are. You too will be able to empathize with them, to see the world from their perspective.

It’s beautiful when these aspects work together as you build intimacy with your spouse. Irreducibility lets you acknowledge that there is always something more to discover about each other. Curiosity drives you forward to learn it. Vulnerability allows each of you the opportunity to see more about the other. Empathy enables you to fulfill each other’s deep need for connection and acceptance.

This empathy you find when you are at your most vulnerable with each other is the very thing that will deepen your intimacy in marriage[2].

Vulnerability in marriage means opening up to your spouse. It’s about allowing them to see and to share your emotions, experiences, needs, and beliefs. And a large part of confiding in them is opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt.

By revealing yourself to your spouse, you allow them to decide how to react to your vulnerability. At that moment, they can choose to offer empathy, acceptance, and love, the very things you crave. They can also choose to reject or dismiss a part of you that you hold dear.

In giving them this opportunity, you are telling them that you trust them, that you believe the best in them. That despite your fear of being rejected, you are allowing them the opportunity to know you better. Confiding in your spouse despite the risk is essential to building intimacy with them.

However, you do need to be careful. Building risk is a process, and you can’t just jump to being 100% vulnerable all the time. You need to make sure to lay the groundwork necessary to grow together and deepen your intimacy with each other safely.

When taking steps towards opening up with your spouse, you need to know that it’s safe to do so. Obviously, if you are in an abusive marriage, you must wait until your abusive spouse becomes a safe person before choosing to be vulnerable with them. And if you are in a distressed marriage, certain destructive behaviors will need to be deal with before it becomes safe.

For example, you might share with your spouse how you struggle with changing a particular habit. In a distressed marriage, your spouse might take the opportunity to berate you for not changing rather than choosing to listen and empathize. Or you might find yourself reacting so strongly that you accuse them of being intentionally unsupportive or being the reason why you struggle with that issue.

You will need to address bad behaviors like this to ensure that you both can open up without hurting the other. Once you can create a baseline level of safety for each other, you will be able to start exploring what it means to be vulnerable with each other. Starting slowly will give each of you the practice and opportunity to relearn how to extend empathy to one another. And the more you practice this, the more easily and the more deeply you will be able to find connection with your spouse.

Here are four ways to make your relationship safe enough to allow both of you to be vulnerable with each other:

It’s not fair to ask from your spouse what you aren’t willing to offer yourself. To encourage vulnerability from them, you need to be vulnerable yourself. By doing this, you can help your spouse see that you can be a safe haven they can open up to[3]. And when they do open up to you, extend the very empathy that you seek towards them.

It’s easier to take emotional risks when you know that you can trust your partner with your vulnerability. Build trust in your marriage by being transparent, honest, and faithful. Start with the small things, like following through on your promise to pick up some eggs at the grocery store, and work your way up. This way your spouse will learn to trust you enough to be vulnerable with more significant issues[4].

Sometimes in an effort to be vulnerable, it’s easy to forget that your spouse has other things happening in their life. When they are stressing about the possibility of losing their job, maybe find a better time to tell them about that dream vacation in Bali you’ve wanted to go on since you got married. If you bring up important topics at difficult times for your spouse, you are more likely to be rejected[5]. So remember to empathize with them by choosing when to bring up tough topics wisely.

As you and your spouse make vulnerability a habit, you will find that it becomes easier for both of you. Maybe right now, you are finding it very difficult to share certain things about yourselves to each other. You can ease into this is by sharing smaller things or things not directly about you. As you get used to this, you can slowly start to open up with each other more and more[6].

Vulnerability does not happen overnight. You need to practice care and safety to lay the groundwork for greater vulnerability. And the more you create safety, the easier it will be to be vulnerable, and the more you practice this, the stronger and deeper your marriage will become.

References

[1] Julia C. Obert, “What We Talk about When We Talk about Intimacy,” Emotion, Space and Society 21 (November 1, 2016): 25–32, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.emospa.2016.10.002.

[2] Obert.

[3] Patricia Carter and David Carter, “Emotional Risk-Taking in Marital Relationships: A Phenomenological Approach,” Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy 9, no. 4 (October 8, 2010): 327–43, https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2010.515533.

[4] Elizabeth Fawcett, “Helping with the Transition to Parenthood:  An Evaluation of the Marriage Moments Program,” All Theses and Dissertations, April 19, 2004, https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/etd/1135.

[5] Carter and Carter, “Emotional Risk-Taking in Marital Relationships.”

[6] E. M. Waring, “Facilitating Marital Intimacy through Self-Disclosure,” The American Journal of Family Therapy 9, no. 4 (January 1, 1981): 33–42, https://doi.org/10.1080/01926188108250422.

The Internet floods us with ideas, tips, and tricks for couples to grow in their relationship with God. Sifting through it all can get overwhelming. Which works and which doesn’t? Let’s separate the wheat from the chaff and look at the ideas that truly work.

Couples who share religious faith experience higher overall marital satisfaction (Perry, 2015). So yes, being married to a fellow believer is great! But that’s just the beginning. You need to go beyond passively hearing about your beliefs and actively start to do what your belief tells you.

Research also has shown that when couples take specific spiritual actions together, they experience better marriages than just by sharing the same faith (Mahoney et al., 1999). If you want to strengthen your union, you need to take steps in your spiritual journey together.

As you grow in your shared faith, your marital satisfaction and quality go up. Marriage becomes healthier and more satisfying.

It’s rare for couples to have the same personality and expression of spirituality as each other. And sometimes those differences can be discouraging. If you are shy, you might feel disheartened that you don’t seem to have the same energy for God as your extroverted spouse. If you’re more outgoing, you might think you’re spiritually shallow because your quieter spouse spends more time in personal prayer than you.

The apostle Paul addresses this in his letter to the Romans. He describes how you are different parts of the same body, that each of you has something unique to bring to the table. Recognizing that you “have gifts that differ according to the grace given” to you, Paul exhorts you “to exercise them accordingly” (Romans 12:6).

And research backs him up on this. Dyer & Luckey (1961) found that differences in personality type do not affect spirituality in marriage. There is no right personality type to grow spiritually, so you shouldn’t worry that your spiritual growth doesn’t look like your spouse’s. Instead, focus on what’s important: sharing your journey pursuing God.

So what are some specific ways to grow in your relationship with the Lord as partners? Here are some easy, yet effective methods to accomplish this:

Hectic schedules can easily cause you to forget to touch base with each other, so you might start to drift apart. To prevent this, Willford & Willford (2013) recommend that couples hold a weekly check-in. Consistency is vital because it shows your spouse that you are prioritizing and valuing this time with them.

In these check-ins, you should cover these important topics:

When you make it a point to have these deep conversations with each other, you develop incredible intimacy, growing in your relationship together.

Joint prayer is another excellent way for couples to thrive. When couples regularly pray together, they experience higher marital quality, higher levels of trust, and reduced conflict as praying teaches them to forgive each other (Fincham et al., 2008).

Sometimes you might be tempted to use your joint prayer time to air your grievances against your spouse. But you need to be careful not to use this time to passive-aggressively attack your spouse. It shouldn’t need to be said, but prayer is not meant to manipulate or change each other. Abusing prayer like this will damage your relationship instead of building it up (Fincham et al., 2008).

As you pray together, focus on thanking God, trusting Him with your lives. Pray for blessings, wellbeing, and guidance for yourselves and each other. Listen to your partner’s prayer, and take this opportunity to develop empathy for them. Doing this helps you to understand your partner’s heart and desire.

By learning to empathize, you learn to work cooperatively instead of against each other.

Understanding how God views marriage helps couples to grow spiritually and guides their journey together (Mahoney et al., 1999). These mutual beliefs bring you closer to your spouse and God. Some of these tenets include:

Sharing these beliefs will give you the strong foundation your marriage needs.

You will have trials wherever you go in life, including in marriage. But sometimes it’s easy to forget that God didn’t create you to face them alone, nor did you pledge to when you said your vows. When facing challenges, you need to turn to one another and God for support.

When couples have to deal with stressful situations, marital conflict, or life transitions, van Tongeren et al. (2018) found that turning to God together helps them take on these difficulties. And not only will it help you with what’s before you now, but it also helps you with future struggles.

When you turn to God as a couple, you both grow in your faith, strengthening your marriage for what you will face tomorrow.

References

Dyer, D. T., & Luckey, E. B. (1961). Religious Affiliation and Selected Personality Scores as They Relate to Marital Happiness of a Minnesota College Sample. Marriage and Family Living, 23(1), 46–47. https://doi.org/10.2307/346886

Mahoney, A., Pargament, K. I., Jewell, T., Swank, A. B., Scott, E., Emery, E., & Rye, M. (1999). Marriage and the spiritual realm: The role of proximal and distal religious constructs in marital functioning. Journal of Family Psychology, 13(3), 321.

Perry, S. L. (2015). A Match Made in Heaven? Religion-Based Marriage Decisions, Marital Quality, and the Moderating Effects of Spouse’s Religious Commitment. Social Indicators Research, 123(1), 203–225. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11205-014-0730-7

Williford, C., & Williford, C. (2013). Faith Tango: A Liberating Approach to Spiritual Growth in Marriage. Crown Publishing Group.

Cognitive biases are those sneaky little brain shortcuts that happen without us even realizing it. They make life more efficient and most of the time are helpful… but sometimes they can backfire too! Today we’ll look at three more of these biases so you know what they are, why they happen and how to stop them from messing with your marriage!

Gotta love this one: when you feel like someone is trying to force you to do something, you react by doing the exact opposite. 

Reactance happens when a person feels that their freedom to make choices is being threatened.

If you feel that your choice is being taken away, you are likely to act in a way that reaffirms your own ability to choose. Usually, by acting in a way that is the total opposite to what you were being pressured into[i].

Here’s an example of reactance in action: when the legal drinking age was increased from 18 to 21, research shows that young students aged 18 to 20 started to drink much MORE, as an act of defiance against the fact that they weren’t allowed to drink any more. The fact that they were being told they weren’t allowed something just made them want it even more.

In marriage, this may happen when you demand that your spouse does something (e.g., helping with housework, cutting down on some unhealthy behavior, spending more time with the family, etc.), and they feel like their freedom is being threatened. Quite often, they will react negatively by taking even less care of the house, or spending more time away, and so on[ii].

The first step is to recognize when this bias is at work within yourself. You can learn to challenge this whenever it occurs and we have more on this in the bonus guide for today’s episode.

If you are married to someone who is quite prone to reactance bias, you can also learn to phrase your request differently. Research shows that that there are ways to phrase requests so that they are less likely to trigger reactance bias. These ways are[iii]:

When judgments and actions related to your marriage are influenced by your current mood. And this occurs even if your mood has nothing to do with the current situation.

Emotions, decisions and memories are all linked in the brain. When we are feeling one particular emotion, the brain activates memories and thoughts that fit with the current mood, and dampens memories/thoughts that do not fit with it[iv].

This can cause your mood to affect the way you relate to your spouse, even if the source of your mood has nothing to do with your marriage. Let me give you some examples tied to various brain functions:

There are two primary coping methods for mood bias.

Stress Regulation. Mood bias is much more pronounced when we are under high levels of stress[vii]. So learning effective ways to deal with stress can stop this bias from impacting you as much.

Emotion regulation. Learning to process and regulate your emotions in healthy ways is the best way to stop them from interfering with your thoughts and actions.

Learning strategies to lift your mood and reduce worry can also help with this. Even simple things like exercise[viii] and adjusting your posture to be more upright and less slouched[ix] can improve your mood and reduce mood bias. So there are all these little things you can do to look after your mind and make sure it’s working in a way that helps you.

Last, but not least…

People try to interpret events to fit with their already existing beliefs and opinions. Or, put another way, we look for the data that confirms what we already think is true, rather than using the data to decide what we believe.

Once a belief forms in your mind, it takes a lot of effort to change or remove it, especially if the belief is something deeply important to you. It is much easier to interpret events around you in such a way that fits with the beliefs you already hold. People will therefore place great importance on information that fits with their beliefs, while downplaying or excusing away info that contradicts their beliefs[x].

Once you form an opinion of your spouse, confirmation bias can cause you to interpret most everything to confirm that belief. This can either be positive or negative. For example, imagine a wife who holds the belief “my husband doesn’t like spending time with me anymore” If the husband has to cancel dinner plans and work late one night, she will interpret that in keeping with her belief, thinking something like “he is hiding from me by staying at work, he never wanted to have dinner with me in the first place.”

Equally, if the wife held the belief “I can depend on my husband to provide for the family”, she would interpret the same situation to fit with this belief, thinking something like “obviously he would rather spend time with me but he needs to prioritize work so that he can provide for us.”

So you can see that this bias is not inherently problematic: it can go either way. How do we make sure it goes the right way for us?

Admiration is the key. Dr. Gottman[xi] writes that admiration is one way to overcome negative confirmation bias as it helps you to see the best in your spouse and interpret their actions positively.

Developing admiration for your spouse causes you to form positive beliefs about them. This means that you will interpret their actions in keeping with these positive beliefs more often. In this situation confirmation bias will actually be helping your marriage rather than hindering it. It goes to show that these biases in our mind aren’t necessarily a bad thing- you just need to know about them so that you can learn to use them for your advantage.

References

[i] Benjamin D. Rosenberg and Jason T. Siegel, “A 50-Year Review of Psychological Reactance Theory: Do Not Read This Article,” Motivation Science 4, no. 4 (2018): 281–300, https://doi.org/10.1037/mot0000091.

[ii] Rosenberg and Siegel.

[iii] Rosenberg and Siegel.

[iv] Riccardo Russo et al., “Mood-Congruent Free Recall Bias in Anxiety,” Cognition & Emotion 15, no. 4 (July 2001): 419–33, https://doi.org/10.1080/0269993004200259.

[v] Russo et al.

[vi] Richard J. Macatee et al., “Attention Bias towards Negative Emotional Information and Its Relationship with Daily Worry in the Context of Acute Stress: An Eye-Tracking Study,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 90 (March 1, 2017): 96–110, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2016.12.013.

[vii] Macatee et al.

[viii] Séraphine C. Clarke et al., “Cognitive Interpretation Bias: The Effect of a Single Session Moderate Exercise Protocol on Anxiety and Depression,” Frontiers in Psychology 9 (2018), https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01363.

[ix] Lotte Veenstra, Iris K. Schneider, and Sander L. Koole, “Embodied Mood Regulation: The Impact of Body Posture on Mood Recovery, Negative Thoughts, and Mood-Congruent Recall,” Cognition & Emotion 31, no. 7 (2017): 1361–76, https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2016.1225003.

[x] Christina Schwind and Jürgen Buder, “Reducing Confirmation Bias and Evaluation Bias: When Are Preference-Inconsistent Recommendations Effective – and When Not?,” Computers in Human Behavior 28, no. 6 (November 1, 2012): 2280–90, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2012.06.035.

[xi] John Gottman, Catherine Swanson, and James Murray, “The Mathematics of Marital Conflict: Dynamic Mathematical Nonlinear Modeling Od Newlywed Marital Interaction,” Journal of Family Psychology 13, no. 1 (March 1999): 3–19.

Cognitive biases are assumptions and judgments and error that our brains automatically make without us even knowing it’s happening. They are like automatic mental shortcuts. But the problem is: they could be messing with your marriage without either of you even realizing it!

We have a brainy episode for you this week.  We’re going to be talking about cognitive biases in marriage. This is about how your brain gets in the way of your connection with one another, and how to deal with that.

As we pointed out in the intro, biases are assumptions, judgments and errors which our brains automatically make without us knowing. Often they are “shortcuts” the brain takes to help us process information and make decisions more quickly. Biases are not necessarily bad nor are they a sign of mental illness (although they do get stronger when we are stressed or experiencing anxiety/depression), and often they are useful[i].

But sometimes they can influence our thinking in unhelpful ways without us knowing. These biases can impact all areas of life, including marriage. So it’s good to know about them, why they happen, how they affect us and what to do about it.

The spotlight effect is “the tendency for people to overestimate the extent to which they believe that others see and attend to their external appearance”[ii]. Essentially it means you expect people to notice things about you (like how you look) and notice things you do (both good and bad) far more than they actually do.

This was originally tested by a study done in 2000[iii] by asking study participants to walk through a crowded cafeteria while wearing an embarrassing t shirt. The participants expected that everyone would notice them and judge them for wearing a silly shirt, but in actual fact hardly anyone noticed or cared. That’s overestimating the extent to which others notice your appearance.

The illusion of transparency is similar, but to do with our thoughts rather than our outward actions. It is the “tendency for people to overestimate the extent to which their internal thoughts, feelings, and attitudes ‘leak out’ and are seen by others.[iv] We expect others to be able to read our thoughts and emotions a lot more clearly than they actually do. This is also sometimes called the “mind reading bias” because we expect people to be able to read our minds much more accurately than they really can.

Our actions, thoughts and appearance are always obvious to us than to others. So when we do something embarrassing we expect it to be just as obvious to everyone else. Equally, if we do something good or succeed at something, we expect everyone else to notice and can become annoyed when they don’t. Or when we see something a certain way, it is abundantly clear to us and we expect others to be just as lucid.

These two effects can lead to increased anxiety: thinking that your spouse is scrutinizing your appearance and thoughts can lead to high anxiety and over-compensating by trying to mask your emotions. Eg “I have to look my best all the time or my spouse will notice and think I’m not making any effort” or “If he/she notices I’m upset it will upset him/her too, so I need to make sure it doesn’t show”

They can lead to feeling unappreciated: thinking that your experiences are obvious to your spouse can leave you feeling unappreciated when they don’t react. Eg “He didn’t even notice my new hairstyle” or “I was obviously upset and he/she didn’t even ask why”

They can also contribute to poor conflict resolution. Thinking that your grievances are obvious to your spouse can lead to conflict avoidance or passive-aggressive behavior. E.g., “I shouldn’t have to tell him/her why I’m upset! it should be obvious!”

Say what you’re thinking. Instead of assuming your spouse already knows, say what you are thinking! Really it’s as simple as that. Your spouse isn’t a mind reader. They have their own life and their own thoughts which can preoccupy them so that they don’t notice every little detail about your life right away. Give them some grace and if there’s something you want them to pay attention to, let them know.

Shift your focus away from yourself. Both of these biases are correlated with spending a lot of time thinking about your own thoughts and appearance during social interaction. So shifting your attention to think about your spouse’s perspective will help you avoid getting stuck in your own self-perception[v]. Learn to spend less time focused on your own thoughts and experiences, and instead try to see things how your spouse might see them.

The availability heuristic is the tendency to make judgments and decisions based on whatever information you can quickly call to mind[vi]. This bias means that more recent events and also events that were particularly unusual or extreme have a strong impact on our judgment, even if they do not accurately reflect reality.

For example, if you read a news story about violent crime you may start to think there is a high risk of it happening to you. Or if someone you know gets diagnosed with a rare disease you may start to worry that you or your family will get the same disease. You may have experienced this kind of “scare” or craze in your community following a particularly shocking news story. These strong examples in your memory outweigh the fact that the odds of these bad things happening are still very low[vii].

Our brains are programmed to make quick decisions and snap judgments because it is mentally less demanding to do this than to weigh every bit of evidence before making a decision. So the brain often makes decisions based on whatever info comes to mind first[viii].

This bias means that a very extreme event can change your view of the entire marriage even if it was not a true reflection of the overall character of your marriage. For example a single, very intense fight may cause you to think that your marriage is failing, even if in reality you very rarely disagree. It’s not that you fight often, it’s just that this one fight stands out in your memory whenever you ask yourself “am I happy in my marriage?”

Now, the availability heuristic can affect marriages for both good and bad. If it is easy to think of examples of good times with your spouse then you are likely to be highly satisfied with your marriage. But if it is easy to recall unpleasant times with your spouse then you will rate your marriage as being bad. This is partly why marital satisfaction is often cyclical: strong marriages get stronger while difficult marriage get worse.

Celebrate the good. Keeping happy memories close in your mind by reminiscing about them together, keeping photos around the house etc makes it easy to recall happy times, leading you to feel more satisfied with your marriage[ix]. Make it easier to remember good times and your brain will pick up on them.

Don’t let single events distort your views. Once you are aware this bias occurs, you can counteract it by slowing down your judgment and trying to think of examples that agree/disagree with the ones that easily spring to mind. For example if you’ve just had a fight and it is making you think your marriage is failing, think back on how many fights you’ve had in the last few months. Is the current example a true reflection of reality? By thinking rationally in this way it is possible to prevent the bias from impacting your perception of the marriage.

So I hope you’ve found this look at the mind’s little biases and errors interesting. It can be really fascinating to start spotting these biases in yourself (and your spouse). Next week we’ll be looking at some more of these biases and how you can stop them affecting your marriage.

References

[i] Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Reprint edition (London: Penguin, 2012).

[ii] Michael A. Brown and Lusia Stopa, “The Spotlight Effect and the Illusion of Transparency in Social Anxiety,” Journal of Anxiety Disorders 21, no. 6 (January 1, 2007): 804–19, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2006.11.006.

[iii] Thomas Gilovich, Kenneth Savitsky, and Victoria Husted Medvec, “The Illusion of Transparency: Biased Assessments of Others’ Ability to Read One’s Emotional States,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75, no. 2 (August 1998): 332–46, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.2.332.

[iv] Brown and Stopa, “The Spotlight Effect and the Illusion of Transparency in Social Anxiety.”

[v] Brown and Stopa.

[vi] Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow.

[vii] Kahneman.

[viii] Kahneman.

[ix] Doris G. Bazzini et al., “The Effect of Reminiscing about Laughter on Relationship Satisfaction,” Motivation and Emotion 31, no. 1 (March 2007): 25–34, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-006-9045-6.

So what if you are in a marriage that you are totally committed to but really not enjoying or appreciating. You are unhappy but it is quite a stable situation. And you aren’t leaving. How can you make the most of this situation? We’ll look at how folks find themselves in a spot like this and how to make the most of it.

Let’s start by looking at what we mean by “unhappy” in this situation. Overall marital quality is a combination of marital satisfaction and marital stability[i]. Using these two dimensions you can categorize marriages into four groups:

Long term unhappy marriages fall into the third category: low in satisfaction but high in stability.

There are various reasons people may choose to stay in an unhappy marriage, divided into “reasons for staying” and “barriers to leaving” (from Heaton & Albrecht, 1991)

This first point is to do with a change in your mindset, rather than trying to change your circumstances. A research study from 2004[ii] interviewed unhappy couples about why they stay together. They found that couples whose only reasons to stay together were barriers to leaving were much more likely to end up divorced.

So you need to try and find positive reasons to stay together, rather than thinking you have no choice. For example, wanting to stay in the marriage because you believe that God values your marriage and values your efforts to stay together is a better way of thinking about things than only staying together because you believe divorce is sinful. That’s putting a more positive slant on the reason for staying. This slight shift can have a big impact.

Couples may be able to take comfort from the fact that staying together is often better for you than divorce. A research study from 2002[iii] found that, even in unhappily married couples, divorce generally did not increase their levels of happiness or life satisfaction. So sticking together and working on issues is often the best thing to do.

Couples in an unhappy marriage often end up withdrawing away from each other. This leads to a breakdown in communication that can ultimately make divorce much more likely[iv].

Our recommendation is that you try to keep talking and engaging with each other even if you are unhappy. Even if you cannot manage to be develop a lot of closeness, just remaining friendly and respectful will make the situation much more bearable[v].

Spouses in long-term unhappy marriages should try to accept the person their spouse is, rather than trying to change them or remaining bitter about what they wish their spouse was like.

Trying to change who your spouse is often ends in resentment and conflict. On the other hand accepting and supporting who they are can improve how you relate to them, as well as freeing you from the “responsibility” of who they are and what they do.

Another effective strategy is instead of trying to change your spouse, work on developing yourself as a person.

Finding ways to increase your own happiness, competence and self-worth will mean that these qualities will be reflected into your marriage too[vi]. For example, people in long term unhappy marriages are often insecurely attached, and struggling with anxiety and low self-worth[vii].

So working through these issues in individual counselling or mastering new communication skills to improve your self-confidence will make you a stronger, happier person. And this will naturally make your marriage stronger and happier too. This is great because it’s something you can work on personally, even if your spouse is totally uninterested, and it will still benefit you and the marriage.

Finally, we just want to sow a little hope into this situation. Research shows that even in marriages that have been unhappy for a long time, there is still hope that things can turn around. A study from 2002[viii] surveyed 645 couples who rated their marriages as unhappy and continued to track them for the next 5 years. The found that two out of three couples who rated themselves as unhappy at the start of the study ended up describing their marriages as happy after five years.

It’s also helpful to consider the possibility that this may just be a season of life. It is easy to lose hope, but many marriages do have dry seasons and with commitment and investment those marriages can return to a happier place.

As always, if you would like help with any of these things as an individual or as a couple, do feel free to reach out to us through our website at only you forever dot com and we’d be glad to connect you with one of our experienced marriage counsellors.

References

[i] Tim B. Heaton and Stan L. Albrecht, “Stable Unhappy Marriages,” Journal of Marriage and Family 53, no. 3 (1991): 747–58, https://doi.org/10.2307/352748.

[ii] Denise Previti and Paul R. Amato, “Why Stay Married? Rewards, Barriers, and Marital Stability,” Journal of Marriage and Family 65, no. 3 (August 2003): 561–73.

[iii] Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially (Crown/Archetype, 2002).

[iv] Eli J. Finkel et al., “A Brief Intervention to Promote Conflict Reappraisal Preserves Marital Quality Over Time,” Psychological Science 24, no. 8 (August 1, 2013): 1595–1601, https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612474938.

[v] Michelle Farris, “How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage and Thrive,” World of Psychology, September 21, 2017, https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-survive-in-an-unhappy-marriage-and-thrive/.

[vi] Farris.

[vii] Joanne Davila and Thomas N. Bradbury, “Attachment Insecurity and the Distinction between Unhappy Spouses Who Do and Do Not Divorce,” Journal of Family Psychology 15, no. 3 (September 2001): 371–93, https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.15.3.371.

[viii] Waite and Gallagher, The Case for Marriage.