Happy 4th birthday Alex!

We have a party in Granny's garden to celebrate. An opportunity to try out my new recording gear. Your donations have gone to good use, thank you.

I've caught up with myself. Here's Alex's first birthday!

You sit together at the party in a paddling pool full of coloured balls, and you play. He seems so grown up, able to crawl around to whatever takes his interest. You're not mobile yet, but you can sit! It's a whole new perspective on the world.

I can't believe I'm taking you away from all of this before your first birthday.

The countdown is on. I've stolen moments while you sleep to apply for your passport, for your residency permit, for childcare in Denmark, I've booked our flights, started packing and organized our farewell tour. My stomach churns more with each passing day as I prepare for us to leave behind this peaceful life to begin our new one. But things are falling into place, and you remind me to stop and breathe and to be happy.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund.

Thanks to my family, my friends, and my daughter for allowing me to record and for all your support. Special thanks to Emmett, Max and Caroline, and to Alexandra, Will and Caroline.

Thank you for the reviews, messages, and donations! Please consider writing an iTunes review. They really do help the series find more listeners.

Wondery would like to know more about you, so it would be great if you could fill in a quick survey at wondery.com/survey

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Late Mornings by Dexter Britain, Starting Over and Afghan by Candlegravity; Something Elated by Broke For Free.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

I'll be back, to get off this plane, in about two weeks.

We’re staying at Granny’s this week. She fell and fractured her kneecap. Considering everything she’s done for me during my life, and at the start of yours, taking us in, feeding me, caring for you when I reached my limit, when I got that 24 hour vomiting bug and couldn’t stand up... What would we have done without her? This feels like the least we can do.

We’re sleeping in the room you call ‘our bedroom’, falling into some old routines. I struggle to put things in the right places when I unpack the dishwasher, you play in the garden, I throw you in the lovely big bath after a messy accident, I enjoy the solitude as I hang out small clothes to dry in the sun, podcasts playing in my ears. I sit in the chair where I spent so many hours breastfeeding and chat to Granny with you curled up on my lap. I wish I could recapture the same sense of calm I felt in that year. The year where I allowed myself to let go of expectations and responsibilities beyond our small family, and slow my life to a pace where every detail, every sound, smell, smile, touch was magnified by the lack of static.

You’re six weeks old. We have daily routines set by your changing rhythms. Sleep, nappy changes, feeding, tummy time. A bath for you, a shower for me, with you in sight, laundry. Lots of laundry. Tiny clothes pegged out with you strapped to my chest. Coffee in the sun, you bare bottomed to help the nappy rash. Back inside, I’m making my way through my mother’s CD collection. You lie on your back and move your body to the music.

For this year, I resolve to have low expectations of myself other than caring for you, to rest when I can, to do simple things for me. This is so different to the chaotic work life I’ve left behind in Denmark. I don’t let myself think too much about whether we’ll go back. I’m sure it will become clear with time.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund.

Thanks to my family, my friends, my daughter for allowing me to record and for all your support.

Thank you for the reviews, messages, and donations! iTunes reviews help the series find more listeners, so I’d be very grateful if you feel inclined to leave a review.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Tomie’s Bubbles, Starting Over and Goodmorning by Candlegravity; Blown Out by Broke For Free.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

I’ll be back in about two weeks to start getting ready for another big change.

Get well soon Granny.

As my health improves and I feel more secure with my baby care skills, we begin to venture out. We meet my sister Charlotte, who looks so relaxed and confident out here in public. I can't even imagine feeling that way again, but I try to let it rub off on me. We sit and I breastfeed to settle you. Thankfully, you attach easily, barely allowing a glimpse, restoring my modesty with your little head, looking like you're sleeping in my arms. I can block out the world and find my centre again.

Charlotte is in her last weeks of maternity leave. The thought of being away from you actually hurts and I'm grateful that I won’t have to face this for a long time. I haven't decided if I'll return to Denmark when my year is up . I don’t know what will be best for us. The decisions I'll have to make will be both practical and emotional.

You already know we did go back. When you were 10 months old, the two of us moved back to Denmark, to full time work for me and full time childcare for you. In my mind it is an 18 month commitment. I don't want you to be away from your family for any longer than this. When things are good it’s workable, but if you get sick I have no options. I have to stay home and then my students have no teacher. Even when we are both well, I can't put in the hours I did before. I feel I'm not being the teacher or the mother I want to be. I'm always letting somebody down. I don't want to live like this.

As we left Denmark a year ago, I could see three paths: to find another ambitious job in Australia, to study again, or to stop searching for outside options and commit. To put paid work and institutional security on hold for creative work. This is the financially irresponsible option. For me, the bravest and riskiest option. It's also the one that allows flexibility so I can be available for you when you needed me, guilt free. This is what I want to try, but I have to fight hard against my instinct to seek security, structure, and the validation that comes with working for a great institution.

I start the podcast. The pressure of responsibility has a way of keeping me focused. I'm getting traction. We are on TV, we're on the radio, in print, at home and abroad. It's not always good, but mostly people receive what I'm doing in the spirit in which I'm doing it. There are no geographical boundaries, which is exactly what I'd hoped. People are listening, it's resonating, they're donating money to help me continue. Audio makers reach out, and I'm welcomed in.

A network, Wondery! I’m not alone anymore. I'm part of something bigger! And with that, sponsorship! An income! It's modest, but it's an income! I'll be able to service my car, go to the dentist, buy new pants to replace the ones that suddenly only reach the top of your socks. Throw out my maternity bras! I'm on the way to making a living again, but this time working for me.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery! I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund.

Music by Dexter Britain, Broke for Free, Chris Zabriskie and Versus Shade Collapse.

Thanks to my family, my friends, my daughter, and to Dan Lizette, Lea Thau, Jon Cohen, Michelle Webster, Cathy Gray, Kate Montague, Koren Helbig, Hernan Lopez, and to listeners and friends who believe in what I'm doing and have encouraged and supported me to keep doing it.

Thank you for the iTunes reviews and for the messages, and donations! I feel very blessed.

I'll be back in two weeks to tell you about the gentle and happy routines of early motherhood.

Granny's (Diana Lampe's) poppy seed cake recipe for Astrid: http://www.goodfood.com.au/recipes/pearfect-20130408-2hgtd

Clips:

ABC Double J with Myf Warhurst and Ian Walker

The Podcast Digest (episode 95) with Dan Lizette

SRSLY podcast, New Statesman #43 with Caroline Crampton and Anna Leszkiewicz

Strangers with Lea Thau (Not By Accident episode)

SBS TV The Feed: Sperm Tourism

Music by permission from the artist: I'm Going to Die by Versus Shade Collapse.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Candlepower by Chris Zabriskie; Happy Together by Dexter Britain; A Year and The Great by Broke For Free.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

You're six days old. I apprehensively pack my things and prepare to be discharged. It’s been a surprisingly idyllic little sanctuary, this hospital room. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave yet, but we have to start our real life together sooner or later. And we won't be alone, not yet. My mother is busy all day everyday, from this day, for months, cooking and feeding me, making cups of tea for visitors, fielding phone calls, rocking you to sleep when I've run out of steam. I honestly don't know how I could do this without her.  And to be clear, the food isn't average. She's an amazing cook and a food writer, and right now she's cooking as if our lives depend on it, which, in a way, I guess they do. All the strength I have is for you and I can only offer it because my mum is looking after me.  My nipples are sore, but it's not terrible. Some days I have to brace myself as you latch on to endure the first few seconds of pain, but after that it's ok. I'd had so many fears about breastfeeding, whether we'd be able to do it, whether there's be a problem, whether I'd have enough milk for you. Once again I'm one of the lucky ones. I've read you books about unconventional families all your life. We even have a book about a single woman having a baby with donor sperm. I want you to know your story and for it to be normal, so you don't experience the shock of discovery. It's difficult though when pretty well all the children you know have a mum and a dad, including our cousins. You first asked me why you don't have a dad before you were three. I was flustered and did my best, but didn’t feel I'd done well. It didn't take long for you to ask again, and I did a little better. Now I've had 5 or 6 goes, and I never come away feeling I've really got this under control. It's hard, and it will keep being hard.  It was father's day here in Australia this month. This was our biggest test so far. I was grateful for the sensitivity of the wonderful women at your childcare. The kids made cards and yours meant so much to you that it came to bed with us every night that week.  When the day came, you had the afternoon with Grandpa all to yourself. And he had you all to himself too.    Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper, supported by 152 generous donors through the Australian Cultural Fund.  Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music by permission from the artist: Sofia by Versus Shade Collapse. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Opus 4 by Dexter Britain; Red Danube by Lee Rosevere; Note Drop by Broke For Free.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

With you suckling at my chest and our family here to celebrate your birth, I feel elated, and sure it must be over. But it isn't quite over yet. The family are ushered out for the doctors to begin stitching me up. I’m on my back, feet in stirrups, trying to think more about you than about the four or five people examining the damage. Your tiny fingers are so long and thin, with soft fingernails that curl over at the ends. Your hair is fair and curly, but darker than mine. Or is it the dry blood and amniotic fluid that make it look that way? Your little nose is upturned, like my sister's. It’s the one feature I recognize from the scans. Your eyes are big and blue, the shape of mine and my fathers. It’s late by the time I'm helped into a wheelchair and moved to the ward, you in my arms. We study each other's faces, stare into each other's eyes.  We're wheeled down to a ward that is almost deserted, and I have to let go of these midwives and the wonderful care and attention they've given me. We're on our own. I suddenly realise it was a big mistake not to ask someone to stay with me tonight. I imagine how distressing it must be to no longer hear my heartbeat as you lie alone in the world for the first time. You are never taken from my side, and I love being with you, but I miss you being inside me, almost a part of me. I miss my pregnant belly. I study you, awake and asleep, getting to know all the parts of your face and your body. I recognize the way you move, curl up, stretch out, from how you moved inside me. I look for the things that I recognize from me, and the things I don’t recognize, that must come from him.   I have no colour in my face. Even my hands and arms have the pallor of a corpse. I'm not getting much stronger. The doctors don’t think I lost enough blood to be in the state I'm in, but decide to test me, and find that I have. They give me a blood transfusion and within hours I start to feel stronger. I haven’t decided on a name yet. I've got it down to three, and thought I'd know once you were born, but my head is so foggy that I'm just not sure! I try to ignore opinions and pressures and after the transfusion, I have clarity. Astrid. Your name is Astrid. It takes weeks to feel natural, but we settle into it. Astrid is definitely who you are.   Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper, supported by 152 generous donors through the Australian Cultural Fund.  Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music by permission from the artist: Hooked by Versus Shade Collapse. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Oxygen Garden by Chris Zabriskie; Sleepless Nights by Dexter Britain; Spellbound by Broke For Free.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

It's going to get messy, so if that’s a problem for you, you might want to skip this episode, or you can fairly safely listen to the first 9 and the last 4 minutes. I'm 6 days overdue. I can't imagine it's possible to be any bigger! I'm so uncomfortable and it's so hot! But I need to get out. I go to the little suburban supermarket near home, and think of my mother. Her waters broke with my brother in this very supermarket 34 years ago. I shop quickly, before history has a chance to repeat! I have an acupuncture appointment in the afternoon, and the acupuncturist can barely contain her excitement as she does her best induce labor. I have another appointment booked for the next day, but she doesn’t think I’ll be there. I go home, rest and drink raspberry leaf tea. It's supposed to help too. Labor might begin at any moment. Then again, it could be another week. I go to bed, trying to put it all out of my mind. For me, it had been a bit of a dark week, waiting and not knowing when our life together will start. I wake up during the night and feel a sudden gush. It's my waters, they've broken. There's meconium in them. I know this means it's urgent.  We race to hospital. Labor happens in a blur, with moments of hyper-sharp focus. You are born!    Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper, supported by 152 generous donors through the Australian Cultural Fund.  Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Zandzeepsodemineraalwatersteenstralen by Duncan Avoid; Land on the Golden Gate by Chris Zabriskie; Rewound by Chris Zabriskie; Seven by Dexter Britain.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

My brother's baby is due this week. I'm feeling jumpy every time the phone rings. I sit down with my sister Charlotte for a not-so-quiet talk about birth, and the end of my pregnancy. I'd thought once I was home, I could start to focus on getting everything ready for your birth, but as it turns out, this period is not to be all about you and me. During this strange period, three of us are in hospital within weeks of each other.  Charlotte's gall stones are a horrible thing to have to deal with, but it is our father who becomes the real worry as 2013 begins. He is suddenly very ill. I go to meet my midwife, the first of several visits.  My mother comes with me for the first appointment. I'd decided I'd like her to be at the birth, and she agreed. She comes with me to the first birth class too. Walking into the room full of couples is strangely intimidating.  I turn 39. Cass and I have a joint birthday party. It makes me feel like I still have a bit of a life. But there is a dark shadow over everything as my Dad's surgery looms.  I'm not as agile as I tried to convince myself I am. The intense heat is hard to cope with. I look at my legs one afternoon and they've swollen so much they're unrecognizable! It scares me. I decide it's time to go home, slow down and settle into the air-conditioned comfort of my mother's house for the final weeks. You can come now Astrid, I’m ready!   Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper, supported by 152 generous donors through the Australian Cultural Fund.  Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Divider by Chris Zabriskie; That Kid In Fourth Grade Who Really Liked The Denver Broncos by Chris Zabriskie; Undercover Vampire Policeman by Chris Zabriskie; Shooting Star by Dexter Britain.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

After my maternity leave, in 2014, we did move back to Denmark, just for 18 months. I did make it work, mostly, as a single mother with a demanding job, thanks to my incredible friends and colleagues. It was painful when we left them, your second family, but so worth it for you to know your grandparents, aunt and uncle, and your little cousins. There are three of them now. Nick met Nozomi soon after you were born, little Ibuki followed, and any day now, I mean I’m literally expecting the call, a fifth baby cousin will arrive!  But I'm jumping ahead. It’s December 2012, Denmark. I'm 7 months pregnant. As I eat my nightly 3am pancakes, I research basinets, baby baths, change tables and car capsules.  Work is busy and I'm not so light on my feet now. The documentary project, my other baby, is underway and I’m trying to manage logistics and offer some guidance to the students before they head off to shoot. Working with these courageous students, over years, seeing them make compelling films, has given me the courage and the drive to make this series. Students of the EFC, I owe you a debt of gratitude. I would not be doing this if it weren’t for everything you taught me. On the last day of school, in the morning, we have a staff Christmas event with gifts for everyone. I haven't anticipated that this is also a farewell for me. I'm given presents for my baby, and a speech, by the Principal, that is so moving, that I cannot speak to reply. It's hard to say goodbye. I don’t know if I'm coming back and so much of my heart is here. As I board the final flight to Sydney, I am thinking more and more of home, of the new life I'm about to start, and I'm feeling excited now.  I'm reunited with my family and meet my baby nephew Alexander for the first time. It's a year since I was last home. Life can change so much in a year. Another family Christmas, but this time with a two nephews, and you, so close.   Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper. Thank you to my friends, my family, my former students and colleagues and my daughter for allowing me to record, for your endless support and for believing in me. It means the world.   Also a big thank you to the generous and talented Liz Tran of Blue Sky Designs, who has built me a beautiful new website, somehow, miraculously, while juggling a baby and a toddler. Hooray for Lea Thau and Strangers podcast! Not By Accident was featured on the latest episode. If you don’t already subscribe to Strangers, do it now. You won't be sorry. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Say Goodbye by Adrianna Krikl; Fuck It by Broke For Free; Readers! Do You Read? by Chris Zabriskie; Level 3 by ZhangJW.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

It's September 2012. There is a nervous excitement in the building and everybody feels it, from the chefs, to the finance department, and certainly us teachers. 115 students arrive on this Monday afternoon from around the world, about 25 different countries, to start their new life at the European Film College. Most will live on campus like me. They will work harder than probably ever in their lives, make many ambitious films, take creative and personal risks, challenge their preconceptions, find out who they are outside of their own culture, away from their family and friends, as individuals. The 9 months that they are here will feel like a lifetime, but it will go incredibly quickly. Time warps, much like it does in the first year of parenthood.  I know it feels like this because I did it too, 13 years earlier. It was the first day of the best and most creatively fulfilling year of my life, up until the day you were born. I feel incredibly privileged to be on the other side now, to be a part of the team that is invested in giving these students an experience like mine. It is a great responsibility, and one I have put above all else for the past three years. There is an emotional rhythm to the year, almost a narrative arc, and I understand it well now so I hate to be leaving the story before the end. If there was a way to see it through I would, but there really isn't. I will be the best teacher I can be until Christmas time and then hand everything over.  I don't have time to think much about the future. All my energy goes to surviving the present. But there is great joy in the everyday. 20 weeks, time for the second scan. I'm so nervous and excited to see you again, to hear your heart beat again. It's November. Charlotte and I check in regularly as her due date approaches. I long to go home. In only a month, I will. And soon after that, you will arrive too.   Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper. Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. And to all of you who have left amazing reviews and sent messages, you have brought me to tears multiple times. I am inspired. Please keep them coming! Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Cylinder One by Chris Zabriskie; CGI Snake by Chris Zabriskie; There’s Probably No Time by Chris Zabriskie; Kqaer by quobe; New Years Eve instrumental 03-12a by Silence is Sexy.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

It’s the end of August in 2012. You have reached a milestone. 13 weeks. The second trimester. For me, it’s a turning point. On Thursday, the day before my first scan, the first time I’ll see you, I put on a baggy shirt and go to meet with my boss, my friend. She is energized after the summer break and excited about the year ahead. Her plans involve me. Of course they do. We’re a team. I realise I have to tell her immediately, not after the scan as I’d intended. I have to destroy her plans, her enthusiasm. I am shaking. I feel like my heart will stop. On Friday I go for the scan. I see you for the first time. Now I don’t have to imagine, I can see! You have all your arms and legs. I am relieved for you, I want you to have as few obstacles in life as possible. I spend the weekend on the phone. 17 calls, 9 hours. I know because I recorded myself and am re-living it making this episode. I’ve categorized my conversations into themes and can see where my preoccupations lie. One third work, one third our unknown future, and the final third divided again: love, lost and longed for, my changing body, and you, my baby, inside me. I feel sad to see how much anxiety over work and the future dominate. We went to Sydney this weekend, to see friends and meet new babies. On the train up, with these conversations fresh in my head, the trip became poignant. I am truly grateful to you, my friends, my family, and my daughter, who accept me when I obsess, when I wallow, when I dominate, and when I’m withdrawn. Who allow me to record, and support me completely. Who share in my sorrows and in my great joys. Who let me share in yours.   Not By Accident is made by me, Sophie Harper. Story input from Rebecca Mostyn. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: It’s Always Too Late To Start Over by Chris Zabriskie; The Fresh Monday by Dexter Britain; Undercover Vampire Policeman by Chris Zabriskie; Wonder Cycle by Chris Zabriskie; The Time To Run (Finale) by Dexter Britain; Chantiers Navals 412 by LJ Kruger.

US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.