Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

Nov 2020 Questions - High sex drives, losing erections, being too loud, vaginismus and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today we have another installment of our questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. We’re going to talk about managing a high sex drive, losing erections while changing positions, being too loud during sex, a husband who thinks his wife is sexually boring, vaginismus, and then finish off with how do you surrender and give God control in your life? Didn’t expect that last one did, you?

So, let’s tackle these questions before the New Year ends.

Looking for help in managing my own high sex drive. My wife, who is definitely on the responsive side is awesome. We have sex two to three times a week and she's usually down for trying some more adventurous things on a semi-regular basis. Even still, I find myself regularly distracted (even from work) with sexual thoughts about her and fantasies of things I'd like for us to try or do. On one hand, I'm getting sex more than most people out there, I want to be grateful for the good thing I’ve got. And with both of us working and with smaller kids, that amount is a miracle all things considered. What can I do to manage such a high sex drive? I work out fairly regularly so I'm not sure what else there is. We've talked about having a "free" card for masturbation 1-2x/w but neither of us really felt that was the right thing to do. Any insight?

In our lives, we have a lot of good, and healthy impulses. We get thirsty, we get hungry, we get tired. The problem is when we want more than our needs, to an unhealthy amount. Eating too much will make you fat. Sleeping too much will make you lazy. Even drinking too much water can lead to intoxication due to the electrolytes being too depleted.

The point is, wanting sex is a healthy desire. Desiring more sex than is appropriate is not.

So, like everything else, have options on how to deal with desires that cause you to overindulge.

Oct 2020 Questions - Body odour, remarriage, doggy style sex and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

We’re a little late this time. Last month I had devoted a large portion of my time to writing my sermon and so didn’t get around to posting the answers to the questions received from our anonymous Have A Question page during October. So, today I’m posting them, and we’ll do November’s in a little bit, before December is finished.

Hey Jay, I know you have done some sex toy reviews, but I was wondering if you know anything about this particular item. It is called the "motorbunny" it is a saddle like Arch that you are supposed to kneel over it and it has different attachments for penetration and vibrations. from what I have read this is the mother of all sex toys and once you try you'll never go back...... so good in fact that some people tried to make their own replicas because of the very expensive cost. Thanks

I’m not aware of that particular company, but I am aware of the style of toys. We’ve never tried one, and I can’t see myself purchasing one. For one, as you said, the cost is generally very high ($900 for the Motor Bunny, more for other models), secondly, if it’s as good as you say “once you try, you’ll never go back”, well, then that sort of ruins sex, doesn’t it? I don’t want any toy that once you try, you’ll never go back to anything else.

Thirdly, well, I’m in favor of toys that couples can use together, this style of toy, that doesn’t seem very possible. The reason for that is because I think toys should enhance a couple’s relationship together, not be the focus of it. I’m not sure there is anyway for this toy not to be the focus of the session.

So, no, I don’t know much about it, and I don’t think I’m terribly interested in it myself.

This one you won't believe but here goes. I'm a 66 years young woman & not married. QUESTION: how much more does a man think about sex than female in an hour, day or any time period? Seems like I've been told by men, articles, media, women magazine, other females and also M/W Pastors. Is it just the makeup of a man? Is it impossible for a man not to think of something sexual. Topless bars, male magazines and not to forget we can't enjoy professional basketball, football or hockey without scantily clad young women. Yes I know selling female skin brings in more money so why not have some nice "v" shaped, daisy duke wearing men joining the female's for us women who can’t buy their own ticket? "Once a rose always a rose". Thanks, Sara

I’m preaching this weekend in my home church, and so, I thought I’d share my sermon, both because I feel bad that I haven’t been working as much on getting podcast episodes out because of it, and because I thought it might be a good way to practice it, do some final editing and figure out how long it would be.

So, the audio is a recording of me reading through it, and if you prefer text, you can find it at uncoveringintimacy.com/swm-063-sermon-its-all-worth-it/

If you like our podcast, and want to encourage us to make more, please be sure to leave us a rating, or better yet a review by visiting lovethepodcast.com/uncoveringintimacy.

Black Friday Deals for your Marriage - Save up to 50%. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Well, Black Friday is upon us again and that means Christmas shopping for a lot of people. 2020 has been a very strange year, hasn't it? But, we're in the home stretch now, 2021 is coming up fast. In the meantime, here's a quick rundown of the deals out there that I'm aware of in case you're looking for a way to make your Christmas a little more intimate this year.

Keelie over at LoveHopeAdventure.com and I were talking and she decided to put everything on her store up for 50% off (use coupon code BLKFRLHA50) . She has a bunch of bedroom games that are fun and unique to check out, or you can grab a bundle of them like the Bedroom Game Pack, Vol 1

And this year, I thought I'd match her offer for most of our digital products. Just use coupon code BLACKFRIDAY2020.

That means our games like Sexy Memory and the Spice Jar are half off, as well as Our Sexploration List and Sexy Coupons, which make an amazing Christmas gift.

As well, our Becoming More Sexually Engaged Course is 50% off! That's a $75 savings! We're going to start the next cohort December 1st, so if you want to give your husband the gift of being more sexually engaged this Christmas, this is a great time to do it.

September 2020 Questions - High Drive Wives, Being Too Wet, Polyamory and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

October has nearly come and gone, so it’s time to get September’s questions answered and published so we can make room for October’s.

Before we get to that though, take a minute and check out our latest survey if you haven’t filled it out yet. We’re hoping to hit over 2,000 responses again, but need some help as we have a shorter time frame this time around.

As well, Christmas is coming up, and that means our Intimacy Advent Calendar will be opening up for purchase again. So, here’s what we’re going to do. If you become a supporter of our blog during the month of November of $5/month or more, you’ll get it free as our thanks. For those who are already supporters in that tier, don’t worry, you’ll get it free as well.

With that out of the way, let’s get started on the questions.

There are actually two similar questions here, so I’m going to read them both as I think the same answer applies to both of them.

Hi, my question involves having a spouse that has continuously refused sex. I know it is uncommon but it is my husband refusing sex. We did not have sex before marriage and his lack of interest started from day one. We had sex more regularly while trying to conceive but after my daughter was born six years ago we likely have had sex less than six times. Currently it has been two years since any intimacy. Honestly it has broken me - my self esteem, my desire to serve him as I should as a wife and homemaker, I don't sleep well at night and my health has suffered. He has been sleeping in another room for over a year. Being in the same bed is too painful for me. He is fine with this arrangement. There is sexual abuse in his past. I have tried to get counseling but he always says he doesn’t want to go because they will just say everything is his fault. Is this grounds for divorce? I am 47 years old and this is my first marriage, his second. We have been married for seven years. We are literally roommates. Yet he says he loves me and can’t imagine life without me. There is no emotional intimacy for us whatsoever. Is this considered abandoning our marriage? Thank you

Aug 2020 Questions - Negative Self-Talk, Affairs, Manual Sex Troubles and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today we’re answering questions we received in August from our anonymous Have A Question page. For those who are new to our podcast or blog, these are questions that people have submitted anonymously, so I can’t ask any follow up questions, for more context, or anything. We discuss them in our supporters forum as they come in, and once a month, I gather the previous month’s questions up and answer them all in a blog post and podcast episode.

So, without further ado, here’s the first question.

My wife and I love your podcast. Thanks for informing/educating us that I have a spontaneous drive and she has a responsive drive. My situation is, my wife has been engaging in negative self-talk when we try to have weeknight sex because 1) she can't warm up as fast as me, 2) she gets anxious/frustrated and can't be in the moment because of time constraints, 3) is thinking about work in the morning, and 4) feels she's broken because we sometimes need to use lube (which sometimes makes her itch) and she isn't as wet as she expects herself to be. I've read books and listened to your podcast for several months, so I've encouraged her that nothing is wrong with her, that it'll take some time for her body to catch up (not hours, either, but even as little as 5 to 15 minutes), and thirdly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using lube... Do you have any suggestions on what I as her husband can do? How common is our/her concerns and thoughts? I encourage, I love, I don't rush, I even made the call for us *not* to engage in sex, since she was clearly frustrated and anxious.

Alright, so, I’d say what you can do is have her listen to this podcast episode, or read the show notes on it. Let me be explicitly clear - there is nothing wrong with using lube. Sometimes people just need to hear it from someone other than your spouse.

Orgasm without ejaculation, gagging during oral sex, hiding ED medication, and prostate stimulation. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today we’re answering questions from our Have A Question page that we received in June and July. We have questions about a wife falling asleep during sex, a bunch of questions about penis size insecurities, why blowjobs can make you nauseous and what to do about it. Also, why single people should still remain celibate in today’s culture, how to deal with a husband who is overly sexual and how do you deal with a spouse who is screaming at you.

First thought I wanted to mention that we’re currently running a short survey about how you like sex to be initiated in your marriage. It’s just a few questions and only takes a minute or two. If you haven’t filled it out yet, check it out at https://www.uncoveringintimacy.com/latest-survey.

And now, on to the questions.

Hello, I'm a 50 year old male married to a 42 year old female. We have two boys ages 6 and 4. I have the higher sex drive between the 2 of us. In the past, I've discussed, asked, argued, written her a letter regarding our sex life. Unfortunately, things have not changed much. I know she had told her friends in the past that she is very sexual. I've never really been on the receiving end, even before we had kids. The last 2 times we've been intimate she has fallen asleep. The first time, I went down on her and brought her to orgasm. As I was laying next to her with my mouth by her vagina, she reached out and started to fondle me. Twice she stopped and the second time I heard her snore. I took her hand off of me and told her good night. She got mad that I was annoyed and we had sex to completion. 4 days later, as I was going down on her, she fell asleep. I again stopped and put a pair of sleeping shorts on and got back in bed. With my back to her, she was kissing my neck, trying to fondle me and eventually got me onto my back. She mounted me and was kissing me. She doesn't really like to kiss after I've gone down on her. After about 10 minutes she rolled us so that she was on her back. We continued for another 15 minutes. She started to talk dirty which she also doesn't do. Eventually she asked if I was close and I said no. My brain and penis were angry. She got annoyed that I wasn't going to orgasm and asked me to get off of her. I have not really spoken to her in over 13 hours. I'm upset, humiliated and I feel rejected. Am I wrong (justified) to feel this way?

May 2020 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we're tackling the subjects:

• Husband is in jail
• Husband masturbates all the time
• Husband won't quit porn
• Should Christians avoid Tantric Sex?
• Premature Ejaculation
• Bondage Resources
• Jock Itch
• Wife is not interested in sex
• Husband not interested in sex with wife
• Being "too loose" after children
• When to disclose a masturbation & porn addiction when dating

This month our most popular resource is Becoming More Sexually Engaged - A Course for Christian Wives.  Interested in learning more?  Check it out here.

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• Keep Your Love On - Danny Silk
• Boundaries In Marriage - Henry Cloud et al.
• Becoming more sexually engaged
• SWM 039 - Anonymous Questions from January 2019 - Part 3
• SWM 051 - Anonymous Questions from October 2019
• Premature Ejaculation
• Mutual Masturbation
• Our Sexploration List
• Beginner Bondage Questions
• Bondage Rope on Amazon
• Twisted Monk
• The Dutchy
• Safety Scissors
• Intimacy Ignited
• Marriage Coaching with Jay Dee

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful champions!

If you'd like weekly podcasts, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Responsive desire and initiating, sex after an affair, rougher sex, and touching yourself during intercourse. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

For those who have been around Uncovering Intimacy for a while, you know that we get a fair number of anonymous questions to our Have A Question page. These are questions that have come in without much context usually, and without any contact info. So, we do our best to answer (my supporters group helps us out) and here’s what we came up with for April 2020.

What do I need to do differently to have more intimate nights with my wife? She’s never in the mood and never initiates anything sexually. I try to give her flowers, tell her I love her often, buy her things, spend quality time with her and do small favors but she still never initiates sex. And sex we do have is usually, boring, for lack of a better word. Same simple positions (because she doesn’t like anything else), nothing kinky and very quick usually. We did try your truth and dare and loved it! Thanks for answering.

Sounds like she likely experiences responsive desire which means she doesn’t randomly get “in the mood” often, if at all. All the stuff you’re doing shows love, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to suddenly want sex. So, I wouldn’t expect her to ever initiate sex out of desire. If you want to have more intimate nights, I’d initiate more often.

I’d also make an educated guess that your wife doesn’t like to be responsible for sex. She probably liked the truth or dare game because it wasn’t her calling the shots - the game was. She liked not being responsible for it. It’s an easy way to say “it’s not my fault, the game made me do it”. If that’s the case, I’d be curious to know if our Sexy Memory game has the same effect. If it does, then it might be you need to stop being so “nice”. Don’t ask what she wants or if she likes something. Tell her what to do. For many wives, that’s a better way to go because then they can distance themselves from the responsibility of saying “yes” and just enjoy it because “it’s not my fault”.

How do you feel connected during sex?  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we're tackling the question of how you can feel more connected during sex.

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• Why I, as a Christian, believe we don't have a soul
• Spice Jar
• Our Sexploration List
• Marriage Coaching

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

We are 53% of the way to our next support goal!  Thank you to all our faithful supporters.

If you'd like us to start hosting virtual workshops, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

And don't forget to leave us a review and share with your friends!