SWM 139 - Why won't my spouse do x? I would do it for them. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages - at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it's about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.

For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner's inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication.

And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.

Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.

In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.

• Our latest survey (on the topic of BDSM)
• Spontaneous desire is a blessing (post/podcast)
• Responsive desire is a blessing (post/podcast)
• Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire (post)
• How to feel "connected" during sex (post/podcast)
• Desire vs willingness (post)
• Trapped gatekeepers - blame the guard, not the prisoner (post)
• Our Sexploration List (resource)
• Marriage coaching

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 138 - BDSM Survey Results. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

During July and a bit of August, we ran a survey about people’s BDSM experiences. Depending on who you ask, it was either extensive or just dipping our toes into the topic. In the end, we received over 1,000 complete responses from a wide range of couples, some for whom BDSM is part of their daily life, others who were engaging in BDSM activities didn’t think what they were doing qualified, others who wished they were doing such things but didn’t know how to start, and those who thought it was disgusting that I even considered asking questions about such a topic.

or the last three weeks, I’ve spent evenings and weekends digging through the data, coding it, doing pivot tables, building charts, running correlation formulas, and more, trying to get what I can out of it. It’s aptly called data mining because often it feels like sifting through a lot of rocks and dirt just to try and find a nugget of something valuable contained.

Today, I’m going to share what I found.

• K7Fit - 14 Day Energy Challenge
• Join as a supporter to get access to all the survey comments
• Marriage Coaching
• Arousal Non-Concordance
• Interested in a Christian BDSM forum/resource? Click here.

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 137 - Why we don't spank our children. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Last week, Gary Thomas posted an article on his substack on the topic of discipline vs. punishment—not taking a stance but rather offering it up as a controversial conversation starter. Reading it made me curious about something—does your view of hell change your parenting approach? After all, if God is our example, and you believe that hell is eternal punishment, does that then lend to a more heavy-handed approach to parenting versus someone who believes that hell is an act of mercy?

I posted that question in our forum, and it then led to a discussion on using physical punishment on children.  I spent a fair bit of time in the last week or two writing on that thread, and so I thought I’d repurpose it here for those who might be curious about how we raised our children.

We, Christina and I, don’t believe hell is eternal torture.  We don’t believe such a view is in keeping with the Bible.  We grew up in a denomination that taught it was, and it was one of the reasons we left because the doctrine couldn’t stand up to either biblical scrutiny or logic as we saw it.  If you want to know why and/or argue that stance, I fully welcome you to read the post What happens when you die?  That’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to share why we don’t spank our children, and now that my children are growing up into adults, what the outcome of such a choice has been.

Links mentioned in this episode:

• Gary Thomas' article - Discipline vs Punishment (Substack)
• What happens when you die? (Post)
• Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now To Stop Hitting Our Children (Study)
• Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses (Study)
• The Research on Spanking and Its Implications for Intervention (PDF)

Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:

• Wife thinks she has to be mean to our children
• Golden showers (again)
• Wife can’t decide if she loves me or not
• Just because you’re experienced, doesn’t mean you’re qualified

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• SWM 029 - Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drives
• BDSM Survey

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful champions!

If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!

Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 135 - It's good to try new things. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Most kids, when growing up, enter a picky stage at some point.  Some when they’re toddlers, some when they’re young children, some when they become teenagers.  When our 3rd or 4th kid entered this phase, everyone knew the response when they didn’t want to eat something new that we’d made.  “It’s good to try new things.”  They didn’t have to eat it all but had to try it—a decent try, not a touch to the tongue followed by an exaggerated exclamation of disgust.

Teaching children to at least give something new a fair shot, I think, has applications later on in life as well. I often talk to husbands and wives whose spouses simply will not try anything new in the bedroom. One will bring up an idea, and it’s immediately shot down by the “picky” spouse—the one who is perfectly happy with the flavour of vanilla every night.

Today, I want to talk about why I think it’s good to try new things - not only when it comes to food, but also in the bedroom - or outside of the bedroom, depending on how much privacy you have.  We’re going to talk about the interplay between dopamine, controlled risk-taking, adventure and trust in marriages as it pertains to sex and more.

Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

May 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:

• How often should a healthy man need sex?
• Clitoral piercing
• How do we start talking about sex without hurt feelings?
• Is it good to masturbate to stay in a sexless marriage
• Professional nude photos with a male photographer
• Newly married wife only interested in the same sexual routine
• Becoming a Christian didn't fix my same-sex attraction
• Nude beaches
• How to get better at rejection
• Struggling with orgasm

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• Where did my sex drive go? (free ebook)
• Marriage Coaching
• BDSM Survey

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful champions!

If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!

Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 133 - Loving your spouse where they are. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

I often give beginner homework to my coaching clients. A few of them will likely read this and think, “He was talking about me.” You’re not wrong, but you’re also not alone.

I give it out frequently because it helps combat some fundamental problems I see in many marriages: resentment, unmet expectations, and continued disappointment. Whatever caused the resentment doesn’t matter. If you want to improve the marriage, you must get rid of that attitude first. Resentment leads to contempt, and once you hit that point, the marriage is on life support, and it becomes challenging to resurrect.

Some come to coaching and realize that they have this issue.  They recognize that resentment is an attitude, and attitudes can be changed.  They know they can fix it; they just don’t know how or need some support, some accountability, or encouragement to keep up the hard work of changing that mindset.

And it is hard work. Reversing that mindset takes time, effort, and consistently following the plan we co-create. There are ups and downs, backslides, and sidetracks. But if they put in the work, then it does happen. Then the fun begins because now we can make some real progress.

Others come to coaching convinced their spouse is the issue and work hard to rationalize and justify their attitude toward them.  They want me to change their spouse so that they can be happy.  Sometimes, they have one foot out the door already, and this is the last-ditch effort to “save the marriage,” by which they mean that if I don’t fix their spouse, they will divorce them.

Whatever type they are, they get the same homework. It’s not only the first step to reversing the mindset but also a test to see if they’re coachable.

Listen to find out what the homework is.

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 132 - Breast implants and body image issues. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

This episode I'm answer a question I received back in February that I forgot to answer. Here's the question:

Hi! To start, I just wanted to say thank you so much for what you do! Your podcast has been immensely eye-opening and helpful! Now, to my question.

I am in my 30s, and my husband and I have been together for 15 years. There was porn use by my husband that nearly tore us apart, but after therapy, support groups and endless prayer, I am so thankful to say we are stronger than ever, and he has been porn free for over a year now. It has made a profound difference in our sex life, we feel more connected than ever.

That being said, internally, I am still struggling with body image issues. It is not all-consuming but it’s enough to bring me to this point. I have been considering breast augmentation for years now but kept putting it on the back burner due to pregnancy and breastfeeding (we have 3 children). I thought I was completely over the idea and just decided to fully accept my body as is until the porn addiction reared its ugly head. As I said, we are past that, and he has made amazing changes for himself and us, but knowing what he watched and the women he chose to view online has made the idea of breast augmentation appealing again.

I am not happy with what 6 years of breastfeeding has left me with. My husband says he loves my body the way it is, but I know I would love it MORE if I got the breast augmentation, and undoubtedly, I know he would too, even if he won’t admit it so as not to hurt my feelings.

My question is, do you think seeking a breast augmentation for selfish reasons would be sinful? Would God find that to be an abomination of sorts, a sinful act based on my lack of love towards my body? I know I would feel so much more confident. I truly would. And that would enhance our sex life due to my confidence alone. So, would it be a bad thing to do? I have flip-flopped on this for months now. Some days, I am certain it’s a sinful thing to desire and do, and other days, I’m certain that it does not fall in the category of actual sin. An outside perspective would be so helpful, and I’d appreciate it immensely.

I know I need to love the body I have, and I do. It’s the slight pains of the past and the desire to feel confident that entices me. Knowing there are verses in the Bible directly telling the man to love his woman’s beautiful breasts makes my heart drop because mine are anything but beautiful. They are used, tired, and barely there after years of sacrificing my body for our children. So, would making them more appealing really be a bad thing? Or would it be no different than purchasing a new sex toy and having fun in the bedroom as husband and wife? Thank you for your time.

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 131 - Tips to fight more effectively in your marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Last week, I shared a list of ideas our Couple’s Night group had that helped build a resilient marriage. At the end of the call, we still had some time and started discussing fighting more effectively. Again, the group came up with some excellent ideas I want to share today.

Because fights will happen, I might even say they should happen.  When I come across a couple that doesn’t fight in any way - that’s a red flag.  It means one or both don’t feel safe in the marriage.  They aren’t able to express their views and opinions. 

Because if you put two people together for long enough, they will eventually find something to disagree about.

Ideally, a fight won’t involve yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing, or anything else like that, but it’s okay to quarrel.

So, today, we will discuss how to fight more effectively in your marriage so that your arguments can be a source of growth instead of damage.

For more posts about dealing with conflict effectively check out:

• SWM 020 - 7 Dirty Fighting Techniques That Should Not Exist In Your Marriage
• How to use conflict to create intimacy
• Active Listening

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 130 - Building Resiliency in Marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

On the first Tuesday of every month, Chris from TheLionWithin.us and I co-host "Couple's Night."  Couples from our communities get together to talk about marriage. We discuss struggles, share ideas, tips, and a lot of funny stories. It's an absolute blast

This Tuesday, we got together and talked about resiliency in marriage. There were about six couples in the Zoom call, and I thought they all had a lot of wisdom to share, so I tried to quickly take some notes and thought I'd relay them to you.

Because marriages need resiliency, we're going to face struggles. They might be external, like events happening with your job, your family, your friends, and more. They might be internal, such as the type of struggles two individuals face when you put them together for long periods of time for years on end.

Challenges are normal, but we need to learn how to face them and not only survive them but, ideally, thrive and grow through them.

So, here are the six things our small group came up with.

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.