Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

AQ - Handjobs, sex on a full stomach, routines, sex tapes and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Welcome to the new year. I took a bit of a hiatus in December due to travel, sickness, holidays and, honestly, just feeling a bit burnt out. But we’re getting back on our schedules, and I thought we’d kick it off with catching up on our Anonymous Questions. These are questions that have been submitted over the last few months to our anonymous Have A Question page. They come with no contact information, and so all the context we have is what has been submitted. I post them in our supporter’s forum and let them add their thoughts to the discussion.

Then, typically every month or so, I gather them up and do a post like this. Without further ado, here are the latest anonymous questions:

How do you start a conversation about not having sex with your spouse without it feeling like a total guilt trip? My wife and I are in our 30s and it feels like a rarity for us to have sex. The biggest thing holding me back from having this conversation is that I feel like I’m just going to get pity sex… and that almost seems worse in my mind. I’m not trying to make my wife feel bad but I also want her to have a lightbulb moment of “aha! Sex is fun! I want more of that!” And I know that isn’t just going to magically happen… so basically, I’m stuck. I want it and I want her to want it but I don’t want it if she’s just do it out of pity because that means she doesn’t really want it. Am I making any sense? Is there a solution or a talking point that can bring about understanding without it coming across like a major guilt trip?

This actually hits upon a lot of topics, so we’re going to go through them sort of rapid fire, because I could probably do an entire weekend seminar on answering this question. And you’re right, it doesn’t just magically happen - it takes intentionality.

SWM 144 - Why wives have a complicated relationship with sex and what to do about it. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

One of our supporters posted a question in our forum which led to a bit of a discussion on what men perceive as sexy, and it shook the questioner a bit, because it was radically different from what she had been led to believe her whole life.

This led into a larger discussion about why women tend to have more hangups about sex than men do.  I shared my thoughts in the forum in a bit of a rant and then realized that I don’t know if I’ve really tackled this a whole lot on the blog and podcast.  If I have, it’s been a few years, so it’s time for a refresher for the new people.

So, I’m going to try and make it a little less ranty and a little more coherent and see if maybe I can teach some other wives and women out there a bit about what many men think regarding sex in the hopes that it might help some marriages, present or future.

• What does the Bible say about hell (and our souls)(blog post/podcast episode)
• Becoming More Sexually Engaged (course)

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If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Redefining sex - How to have a thriving sex life despite sexual dysfunction. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

I feel like I have some explaining to do. A couple of weeks ago, I shared that lately, Christina and I have started having sex a lot more than usual. We had more sexual encounters last month than there were days in the month. We’re at about 30 for this month already.

This has led to some questions by some people. I wrote a large thread in our supporter’s forum to try and answer them all and thought it might be helpful here. Because it goes beyond just an “ask me anything” sort of post. It’s really about how we’ve adapted sex to deal with sexual dysfunction in a way that’s not only positive but actually ends up being more fun and connecting than I think most people’s sex lives are.

I’m going to try to adapt a forum thread into a post and see how it goes. If you want to read the original, then you have to become a supporter, and you can search for the thread called “Sex with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation” because there’s more to the thread than this topic, but I’m just pulling out the topic I wanted to hit today in this post.

To start off, we’ve dealt with some sexual dysfunction for our entire marriage. Christina has had vaginismus (pain during penetration). I deal with erectile dysfunction most of the time and also delayed ejaculation, which means it’s hard for me to orgasm. Christina also suffers from post-coital depression, which means after she has an orgasm, she tends to get depressed for the next day or two.

As such, we’ve had to redefine sex. Most people, I find, tend to have a fairly narrow expression of sex. They often have the same routine - some sort of initiation, some sort of foreplay during which the wife might orgasm, then penetration until he orgasms, then they’re done.

AQ - September 2024 - Exhibitionism, no sex in 4 months, rough sex and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

We’re catching up today on our anonymous questions with those submitted in September of this year. As always, these questions come from our anonymous Have A Question page with no contact information and only the context provided in the question. From that, we kick it around the supporter’s forum for anyone to weigh in on, and then I post my answers in the form of a podcast episode and blog post.

Let’s jump right in with question number 1.

Me and my partner would never "swing" as we believe it is immoral. With that said, we've had multiple conversations about wanting to be heard/seen having sex or even having sex while another couple is having sex nearby. We've never done it as we are already satisfied sexually, but given that it's come up repeatedly, I've begun wondering about the morality of it. What are your thoughts?

One of our supporters, I think rightfully, quoted Matthew 5:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:27-28

Now, whether you’re on the side that wants to look or the side that wants to be looked at, I don’t think it makes a difference. Either way, I would consider this a form of adultery.

AQ August 2024 - Transactional sex, no sex due to birth, lube recommendations and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today, we’re tackling questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. These are questions that people had and didn’t know where else to ask, and they were too shy to send an email. As such, I don’t have any way to respond to them other than through the blog and podcast, and I also can’t ask any follow-up questions, so we go with what we have.

Our supporters have also discussed these questions in the forum and shared their thoughts, and in episodes like this one, I share my answers informed by my own experiences both as a husband and a marriage coach, as well as those shared in the forum.

These questions all came in during August of this year.

Hi Jay, I’ve been following you for a while, and my question is, is it wrong for me to want my wife to adore me during sex? I have a problem with the notion that sex is supposed to be more of a reward for men and that they are supposed to pursue that more so than for women. I want my wife to pursue me. She has told me before that if I do something like a chore etc., maybe we’ll have sex later, like it’s a reward or incentive for me. I find this to be a real turnoff and told her why do you think I would want to have sex? She seemed confused when I said this. I want her to prize me and adore me, not see me as someone who has to work for her affection. For this reason sex has actually lost most of its appeal for me. I don’t want to feel like she’s rewarding me for something when we have sex. I want to feel like this is how we please and satisfy each other. How do I change this dynamic?

She’s separated sex from the relationship and turned herself into a prostitute, exchanging sex for other services. She made sex transactional instead of relational, and that’s why you’re not interested.

Much of the world now considers only wanting sex in a loving relationship to be an oddity. It even has a name - demisexual, as if you’re only partially sexual if you only have sex in loving relationships. But I believe this is how we’re supposed to be. It’s how we were created. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be turned off by her approach to sex and exchanging it for tasks.

July 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:

• Wife’s love dependent on mood
• Why don’t you direct people to God?
• Can’t seem to manage other positions
• Wife rejects exploration and being seen
• Nervous about sex outdoors
• Crossdressing rehash

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire - The Lion Within Us (podcast)
• Your definition of gross changes when you're aroused
• SWM 068 (podcast)
• SWM 070 (podcast)
• SWM 099 (podcast)
• Is it wrong for Christians to crossdress? (post)
• Healing from crossdressing

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful champions!

If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!

Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 139 - Why won't my spouse do x? I would do it for them. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages - at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it's about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.

For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner's inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication.

And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.

Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.

In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.

• Our latest survey (on the topic of BDSM)
• Spontaneous desire is a blessing (post/podcast)
• Responsive desire is a blessing (post/podcast)
• Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire (post)
• How to feel "connected" during sex (post/podcast)
• Desire vs willingness (post)
• Trapped gatekeepers - blame the guard, not the prisoner (post)
• Our Sexploration List (resource)
• Marriage coaching

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 138 - BDSM Survey Results. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

During July and a bit of August, we ran a survey about people’s BDSM experiences. Depending on who you ask, it was either extensive or just dipping our toes into the topic. In the end, we received over 1,000 complete responses from a wide range of couples, some for whom BDSM is part of their daily life, others who were engaging in BDSM activities didn’t think what they were doing qualified, others who wished they were doing such things but didn’t know how to start, and those who thought it was disgusting that I even considered asking questions about such a topic.

or the last three weeks, I’ve spent evenings and weekends digging through the data, coding it, doing pivot tables, building charts, running correlation formulas, and more, trying to get what I can out of it. It’s aptly called data mining because often it feels like sifting through a lot of rocks and dirt just to try and find a nugget of something valuable contained.

Today, I’m going to share what I found.

• K7Fit - 14 Day Energy Challenge
• Join as a supporter to get access to all the survey comments
• Marriage Coaching
• Arousal Non-Concordance
• Interested in a Christian BDSM forum/resource? Click here.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 137 - Why we don't spank our children. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Last week, Gary Thomas posted an article on his substack on the topic of discipline vs. punishment—not taking a stance but rather offering it up as a controversial conversation starter. Reading it made me curious about something—does your view of hell change your parenting approach? After all, if God is our example, and you believe that hell is eternal punishment, does that then lend to a more heavy-handed approach to parenting versus someone who believes that hell is an act of mercy?

I posted that question in our forum, and it then led to a discussion on using physical punishment on children.  I spent a fair bit of time in the last week or two writing on that thread, and so I thought I’d repurpose it here for those who might be curious about how we raised our children.

We, Christina and I, don’t believe hell is eternal torture.  We don’t believe such a view is in keeping with the Bible.  We grew up in a denomination that taught it was, and it was one of the reasons we left because the doctrine couldn’t stand up to either biblical scrutiny or logic as we saw it.  If you want to know why and/or argue that stance, I fully welcome you to read the post What happens when you die?  That’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to share why we don’t spank our children, and now that my children are growing up into adults, what the outcome of such a choice has been.

Links mentioned in this episode:

• Gary Thomas' article - Discipline vs Punishment (Substack)
• What happens when you die? (Post)
• Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now To Stop Hitting Our Children (Study)
• Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses (Study)
• The Research on Spanking and Its Implications for Intervention (PDF)

Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful supporters!

If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.

Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:

• Wife thinks she has to be mean to our children
• Golden showers (again)
• Wife can’t decide if she loves me or not
• Just because you’re experienced, doesn’t mean you’re qualified

Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:

• SWM 029 - Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drives
• BDSM Survey

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.

Thank you to all our faithful champions!

If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!

Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.