Bob gets a visit from Ron Weasley, while Miles watches the Netflix serial killer catalog.

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uh Hey everyone, this is Miles with Static. That was an odd way to introduce yourself. You could be like on one of those Netflix serial killer shows. I do watch a lot of those. I'm sure you do. I don't understand the appeal of that. My wife watches those things. And I'll be busy doing something else and I'll come by and I'll be like, what are you watching? I'm with this guy in Ohio who killed a bunch of people for no reason and buried them. I'm like, what is this? What's the entertainment value in that? Can you explain that to me? Between that and a Hallmark movie, I will watch the serial killer movie. I'm waiting for the Candace Cameron Burr Murders the Neighborhood Hallmark Christmas film and then I'll be satiated. It'll be fantastic. It's like everything's happening. Don't talk to me about Kirk. I know he's a weirdo. There's so many of them. I mean, there's justoodles and oodles of these things on the streaming service. When did they make all these? Have they only been made in the last two years or something? It's just crazy. No, it's been going on. They've been making these. Have they? I just don't watch them. It's just weird. I find myself, if I sit down, I'll be totally watching it and being like, what happened? Yeah. Some things I don't watch. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that everybody pertains to everyone. Some things we don't watch. Yes. I started watching this thing. My wife was watching this thing about people that have like left the Amish religion or something. And they have different segments. And I'm like, I don't really, you know, I feel creepy watching this. I'm not watching this. I'm not watching this. This is too weird, man. That's too weird. Why would you, what would,Why would you feel creepy about watching that? Because the girl has John Elway teeth, these big chiclet teeth. It's so distracting. I cannot watch this. I cannot watch this. I grew up Amish, and now I'm into porn. No, thank God. No one wants to see that. Nothing against Amish. I'm sure they're very nice people. Yeah, they call me the Yoder Choder. Ha ha ha! Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to watch that. There's some things I just don't watch. That's weird. Yeah, I don't understand any of those shows. I get enthralled in them. I get enthralled when I sit down and start watching. I'll be like, wow, what happened here? I sometimes, you know, I'm like, eh, you know. Shouldn't there be a background check for anyone buying a large farm when they don't farm? Right, yeah. It seemed like there was a timeline and it looked like it was very easy to kill people and get away with it.You know, it was called the seventies. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, like this, like this lady's brother goes missing and they're like, oh, well, we don't look for anyone over the age of six. She's like, are you serious? Like, Hey, you're, and this is in the thing, but she goes, well, yeah, the detective was like, well, he's probably drunk with a horse somewhere. So, yeah. Oh yeah. We knew him. He was always whoring around. I'm like, who is this? Like Danny DeVito from It's Always Sunny? I like whores and banging whores. I'm just like, God dang, there had to be some window of Gacy or something just getting away with all this crap. And then you're like, God damn. I can see why now. They finally catch the killer and they're like, why did you keep killing? Oh, nobody stopped by to talk to me. They didn't ask. No one told them. Yeah, no one told me I could.So I just kept doing it. Stop it. I just kept doing it. And like, you know, no one told me it was wrong. Now I know it's wrong. It's wrong. I know now. Well, it's like one guy was out in like long Island or something. Like he was done with people like girls on a beach or something or whatever it was. And they had a description of what the car was. This guy was like this huge, like Shrek, like giant dude. And everyone knew this guy, but no one ever turned them in. They like, well, I never suspected it was Ronald. i never did. He always says hi. He always said yeah you know he's got a, you know, lime green bronco and he's nine foot tall and, you know, it's a complete description. And like the neighbors, I had no idea. I mean, he was really weird, but i don't know. That's weird, man. That is weird. I, but i didn't i never uhWell, I say I don't watch it, but then I will watch for a while and then I'll be like, I got to go finish what I'm doing here. And then I get up and go at the end of the episode. No, I always wait for the end of the episode. But then I end up going off and doing something else. But yeah, and there's all different ones. I mean, it's just this barrage of murder. Or like there's this guy out. somewhere, this was a long time ago, but he kidnaps this girl like twice, brainwashes her. She's only like 12 or 14. They get married in Mexico. I'm like, Jesus. And he's like blackmailing her family and they're like letting him like, okay, well just don't get too nuts now. Don't go too crazy with this. You can get married in Mexico, but nothing more. No more than that. All right. Well, like, no, it's weird was like the dude had actually had relationshipswith the kids mom and dad separately what yes it was the most bizarre story because they were like in some religion, which i won't go into, but. Okay. Yeah. Like he works on the mom. She finally gives him like, well, all right. Yes. I'll do it with you. What the hell? Yeah. It's supposed to be a power. Like, uh, you know, I screwed around with dad Yeah, right? He's cruising around with the dad, and he's like, man, man, it's been a while. Now, I hate to… I go, man, this is weird. Since we're on the topic, I have a slight confession to make. Oh, man, here we go. I don't want to hear this. I didn't know where she was going. No, no, no. You'll want to hear it. As soon as I say it, you'll be all interested. I have personally interacted with a victim who's been on one of these shows. They did not die. A very famous victim in the last 15, 20 years. I believe I know who you're talking about. I will not mention the person's name, but yes.No, I mean, I had conversations and, you know, yeah. And they seemed very nice. But the weird thing was, this is so sad, I shouldn't even mention this, but they were a very nice person, but you can tell that they were still traumatized to this day from this experience. I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. I don't mean to laugh. No, I mean, it's horrible. I know this person will do some horrible stuff. Yeah, really horrible stuff. And here I am talking to them and I'm like, you can just tell. You're all Barbara Walters with this person. If you were a Tweety, what Tweety would you be? What kind of Tweety would you be? She'd be like, why am I talking to thisYeah. This whole thing. And now I'm talking to a weirdo. Yeah. I'm like, I just escaped a guy like this. I now meet another one. It's exactly the same thing, but without the facial hair. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I don't have any of the facial hair going on. No, she was so nervous and like chain smoked like constantly. And, um, Yeah. I mean, like constantly smoking, like I gotta go, I gotta go get a smoke and then coming back. Yeah. It was, uh, you walk up behind her and yell boo. And she's like, now, unfortunately this is not the only person. This is probably the most famous person that I've interacted with, but it's not the only person I've interacted with. That's, uh, had issues like that. So, yeah. Right. Right. That's terrible. Yeah. Uh, yeah.It was weird. It was weird. It had a total weird vibe all the way around. Yeah. How strange, right? But… Now I'm trying to think. I had a story coming my way. You know a story now that everyone's tuning off at this point. I was so freaking depressed. Like, oh my God, these poor people. Are you talking about my wrestling coach? They're molested and everything. And now I'm going to talk to Bob and Miles and social manner. It's horrible. You don't want to talk to us if you've got issues. Yeah, really. Keep it to yourself. I had to recently hail storms in the not too distant past. I recently had a guy come out because Like all my neighbors are getting a new roof. Oh, neighbor-itis. Neighbor-itis. So I called the guy to come take a look. And I'm like, hey, do you think we have any hail damage? Because, you know, all the neighbors are, I mean, literally, there's like all these crews around us putting roofs on houses. And so he goes, yeah, you know, you got some. Christopher Walken came out.yeah, you got some hail. And so I'm like, okay, so we, we call the insurance people and send out a guy to take a, because you know, the guy I call cannot be trusted because he's just wanting to sell a roof. Right. So they call out their own guy. And so he shows up here the other day and, I was told about it. We were all prepared, kind of. And the next thing I know, I wake up. I'm supposed to wake up early so that I'm ready for this guy. Because for whatever reason, in my household, I am the face. I'm the one that has to talk to anybody who is coming here to do anything. I don't know why this is… I don't know who made the rule and how I got, you know, what meeting I missed and got stuck with short straw here. You are the lurch of the family. Yeah, that's right. Any type of a workman or, you know, the mailman comes to the door, any of that kind of stuff. They're like, Bob, you go, you know, you're first in line to get shot or something. Yeah. Yeah. If you get murdered, we can run away. I watch all these murder shows and the door gets it first.We'll be in the documentary talking about you. That's right. We'll be, you know, in the blurred background. It was so, it was a sad day. He disappeared....

Miles gets heckled at the local big box store, while Bob witnesses an animal miracle.

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Hey everybody, this is Miles. It was like kind of a non-tune there. Hey everybody, this is Miles. There's something weird about it. It's a little weird. A little odd. So what was the cat eating tonight? What was your cat having? I'm actually still feeding cats. Oh, okay. Well, what is it? Little, I don't know, food, no. Little friskies. Whatever it is, I don't know. Meaty patay. Wasn't that your name in college? Meaty patay? Meaty patay, yes. Now it's just called fat liver disease. Yes, you're kind of a… Meaty patay. All that. I got to bring my wife, her marital aid here. Okay. Here's your egg on a string. Way on down south. Are the cats okay? Everybody's doing good? I got cats done. I still have to do dogs. That's okay. We can still go. We can go. That's okay. God forbid I get in the way of your household chores that you wait until the middle of the night to do. A lot of people write in and say, hey, Miles, could you just bring us into your day? You sound like a really cool guy.We love to hear about you feeding animals. If I could talk to the animals. Unfortunately, we do call you Doolittle, but not because of you feeding the animals. Because I like to read. That's why. Your nickname there has something to do with something. Something from something. Don't worry. Go ahead. Well, speaking of animals, I'm going to be ridiculed for even mentioning this. I'll tell my story and then I'll tell you why I'm being ridiculed. How's that? I had to go in the office the other day and I always get this choice parking spot near the dumpster. Now he's gone. So I guess I'll just continue because he's just gone. He hit a button with his, I think his nipple was erect. Perhaps Miles' nipple was erect and he pushed the button and jumped off the show. So that's what happens whenever, you know, it's 100 degrees outside and you've got your air conditioner cranked.And then you get hard nipples and you're a little sweaty and you end up turning off your phone or at least closing the window that you had. So there you go. Oh, there he is. He's back now. Did you wipe off your sweaty nipples? Yeah. Yes, I'm okay now. I told everybody you bent over. with your sweaty erect nipple and jumped out of the show. Are you okay now? Yeah, I'm just doing some duties here. Oh, now you're doing more stuff. Oh my God. What the? No, I'm not done. I disconnected actually trying to feed these fucking dogs. So I was saying, I got this choice parking spot by the dumpster. You know, I come pulling in like Dan Tana in Vegas, you know, and slide into my choice spot by the dumpster. Nobody's going to know this reference at all. I know. That's why I made it. Yeah. As I'm kind of gathering my things to get out of the car, I look up and, you know, the dumpster's got those plastic flaps that don't really cover anything.most of the opening but not all of it so in the middle you can kind of see into the dumpster and i look and there's two squirrels like playing with the dumpster yeah right they're like running around on top of the garbage playing around inside the dumpster and this one squirrel comes through the little opening pops out. Yeah. He's got a whole tortilla in his hand. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why there's a tortilla in the dumpster. That's weird. Let alone one that's actually whole. It's like a whole tortilla that's never been eaten. And, I mean, this guy, he's like, jackpot! I mean, you can just read it on his face. Yeah. Yeah. And then the other squirrel is still squirreling around inside the dumpster, I guess looking for another tortilla is my guess. And he comes and he jumps down off the dumpster and kind of heads off into the mild wilderness that we have there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, and so then I get home and I'm like, you won't believe what I saw today. Yeah.In search of. This is Leonard Nimoy. That's right. That's right. The St. Louis squirrel. Says it exists. That's right. Dumpster diving in the city. And so then I tell my wife and my son, I'm like, I saw this squirrel jump out of the dumpster with a tortilla. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're waiting for the punchline, right? They're like, okay. They're like, okay. And my son goes, he's like, dad, all of your stories for static have devolved into you watching animals do things. He goes, this is going to be your story, isn't it? I go, well, yeah. How many times have you seen a squirrel with a whole tortilla shoot out of a dumpster? Yeah, I've been excited. You need to be around more people. Oh, Father. You used to talk about interesting things, and now you just talk about foxes and squirrels andand deer you're like the jack hannah of, uh, podcasting now. I swear. Yeah. Wild and crazy animals. St. Louis city where we see a squirrel with a tortilla all right all right no one moved no he's moving he's moving look i'm gonna try to get a shot of him. Put a picture. i was prepared enough i took a picture of the squirrel with a tortilla. He's a beaut. That's a good that's the best hell that's that's like a fajita tortilla. So my son made me feel horrible that i've devolved into just talking about the animals so You know, this could be like a children's book for you. Really, this could be a good stepping up for you. Oh, yeah, the squirrel and the tortilla. Exactly, yeah. Aquila and the tortilla. Yeah, what's he going to, is he going to use it as an umbrella? Is he going to eat it? You know, is he going to stuff it full of nuts? Hey, fella, are you going to use that as an umbrella? I can see it now. Yeah, you're going to be like a Dr. Seuss or something with this whole thing. Yeah.Because, you know, they have, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie, if you give a mouse a muffin. Right. If you give a squirrel a tortilla. Mm-hmm. Well, I thought it was fascinating. And now I've been shamed into never telling another wild animal story. Shut your effing mouth. Now, little does my wife know, but I, you know, grew up. listening to… Animal Stories. Animal Stories with good old Uncle Larry. Oh, you had to. You had to listen to that. That was an awesome show. Awesome show. Tommy, out of St. Louis, we got a squirrel. Yeah. Is that okay? Apparently. He's making an acorn burrito. A chimichanga. I heard Chipotle is hiring squirrels. He's going to have a chorizo next week. So, yeah. So, but I was just like, it was the most besides just pull up, boom, you know, squirrel with tortilla right in front of me. And I'm like, Oh my God. I was, I went there early. So I was first one on the lot. So there you go.I dreamt I saw a squirrel. That's right. This tortilla was as big as a squirrel. This is what amazes me, right? This is not like some kind of giant squirrel or some kind of mini tortilla, you know what I mean? Right. How you could not enjoy this is beyond me. I don't know. You know, sometimes the simplest stories are the best, you know? Yeah, I didn't see what he did with it. I mean… Yeah. Maybe he didn't share it with the other squirrel who was still searching for a tortilla behind him. He should have taken it home to his nest and made it into a bed or something. It'd be like a nice soft bed. A real nice blanket. Yeah, he'd be like… Imagine smelling tortilla all night. Yeah. It was the flour tortilla, I'm pretty sure. I was close enough. I went up and asked him, and he told me…You know when you get the question when you go to some Mexican restaurant, corn or flour? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, he was doing… So yeah, he was like for the whole week with that. I mean, hell, he could nibble on that thing for hours. You didn't whip out your phone like, I've got to get this quick. Yeah, I did. I took my phone. I'm like, I've got to get a picture of this. America's Funniest. And then I had to show and then, you know, I get the Oh, I see. Yeah. That's all right. That's all right. I'm in for the old folks home. Me and Bingo were driving. You're going to be buying that kooky bird feeder that sticks to your window. I have one of those. Yeah.It didn't stick very well, though, so it's like thrown in the garbage. Oh, my gosh. You know, they have one now that comes with a built-in camera. I go, oh, this has got Babelman written all over it. I would love to have that one, yeah. Oh, this is your Christmas gift. I can see it already. Catch a bird in the act of eating. Holy shit, I just saw my brother-in-law's cock again. Holy cow. Miles is going for the camera in the birdhouse. Yeah. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. You know it. That would be like your ringtone for whenever there's a bird in the house. That's what it is on your phone. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. All right. Let's see what's going on. These cardinals are really good at it. Brown chicken, brown cow. Ah. That's what that's called. That's what that's called.So, yeah, anyway, so I was put in my place. Maybe from this point forward, not as many stories about random animals. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to go get my haircut. Yeah, I'm kind of sad to hear that because my story tonight. Is it about an animal? Well, no, yes and no. Yes and no. I don't know. I'm a little of a wild man sometimes, I suppose. I like to go to the big box store and buy man stuff. What kind of man stuff are you buying? Plumbing stuff. You're the least handy person that I know, I think. I know. I bought a snake and I freaking destroyed it trying to clear out the drain. Within seconds, I had ruined this thing. I'm like, son of a bitch. You're like, now I can't take it back. Yeah, I know. I know. There's 20 bucks ruined. Oh, my God. Were you sneaking out a drain or something? Yeah, I had a bad drain. I was trying to be all cool like you and do it, and I couldn't. Yeah, okay. Excuse me. Getting all choked up here. I said, you know, I'm feeling a little randy....

Bob gets a good review from his hygienist, while Miles tries to be the time police and then reveals how his dentist kicked him out for not showing up.

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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Welcome to show up whenever the fuck you want. Brought to you by Bob. Oh, you know, you are one. You are. Why were you late? You better explain to me why you were late. I was asked to be on another show when they were late. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Jesus Christ. Somebody has got to promote this show. For fuck's sakes. What bullshit show was this so I can make fun of it? It was called Scalarius. Oh, Christ. And it was about a comedy ghost show. Oh, God. What a waste. Jesus Christ. I had a great time, but unfortunately we ran a little bit late. And so I, uh, I texted you due to parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters. Do you show up late at work a lot? Do you just like show up whenever you want late at work? Do you, I know you do for Christ's sake. If I added the amount of minutes that you made me wait, I don't show up half an hour late. Oh, trust me.Every week, folks, this guy is at least five minutes late. That is called fashionably late, okay? You are late late. I am fashionably late. You're late late. You're showing up. You're like Madonna late. We can qualify this. Oh, okay. See, I knew there was some rationale. I was doing something for the show, and it ran a little long. Then you say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. I did. I wrote you a note. I have to leave. No, you say it to them. You say it to them. You say it to them. I wanted them to finish their show, and so I stuck around and finished their show. Guys, I'm sorry. I have to go. I'm going to have a BM. I have to go. Thank you. I'm late. Thank you for ghosting comedy. You always blame your lateness on. I was taking a crap. I sometimes do take a crap. Yes, I do.No, you do. That's the horrible part. It helps me concentrate on the show. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I go poop. Make it feel good. What do you got this week? Just throw it out there. I'm busy promoting. I'm busy hustling. Okay, I get it. What are you busy doing? I was… What were you doing today to help the show? I was researching a book I'm writing. You're writing a book? Yeah. Good fucking luck with that. What's it about? It's called Ugly People Who Lip Sync on TikTok. Well, you probably know more about that than I give you credit. I do. I do. You watch a lot of TikTok. I do. I enjoy the TikTok. You love the ugly people. I do. I love the ugly people on TikTok. I love them. I love them. That's going to be a book, but whatever. Yeah. I mean, it sounds more like a website.Yeah. No, I don't do websites. I write a book. I know. I write a book. I'm going to visually describe to you this ugly person lip syncing on TikTok in my book. There's a lot of them. Full haircut, fat woman from New Jersey. Yeah. What's love got to do with it? Yeah. Here we go. I get it. All right. Continue. This isn't my part to talk. No, I said, go, let's hear what you got to say. You've been, I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say all night on the show. I'm curious to hear what you have. I have nothing to say. I've, my timing has been thrown off. Oh, my timing has been thrown off. I choose not to run. Yeah. Okay.I'll just wait for your 10 minutes to be up then. Well, I'll disconnect then. Oh, come on. You're being such a baby. Jesus Christ. If anyone treats Miles like he treats them, they're an idiot. Let's hear your story. You obviously have a story you want to get into. Let's go. No, no. I wanted to have you go first. As your boss, I'm telling you to go. First of all, You're definitely not my boss. I am your boss. No, you're not. Yes. I control you. Yeah. Okay. Everything you think and say, I control. Yeah. All right. I order you to go first. I need a raise. I order you to go first. So I had to go to the dentist today. To get my teeth cleaned. Your favorite dentist? Yeah, my Polish dentist, yeah. Yeah, I like this guy. I had a family, extended family member was my dentist, but he passed away, so I had to get a new dentist. I think I've talked about that. Yeah, I went to my Polish dentist. But I didn't see him today because…I don't have anything wrong. They were just doing what I would term a teeth cleaning. Do you use that word? Yeah, it's pretty normal. Yeah, that's what I would call it. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go in for a teeth cleaning. I get there. I get in the chair. Nice young lady. Very nice young lady. And she goes, oh, you're here today for maintenance. Your dental maintenance. I'm like, what? This sounds expensive. I don't wear braces or anything. I think that might be called maintenance. I'm like, I'm just here for a cleaning. She's like, yeah, dental maintenance. They've changed the words on me, so I was all confused. That's how they get you. That's how they charge you more money. I can see this. It's all free. I get twoApparently, I get two dental maintenance visits per year on my insurance. Oh, okay. I call it cleaning, right? It's cleaning. Yeah. They're scraping the shit off my teeth that is accumulated, the plaque. Oh, is this like a really young girl or an older? To me, everyone's young at this point. I'll be honest with you. Yeah. And so, yeah, she was young. I mean, she's probably in her or maybe 30 at the most. I mean, she wasn't that old. Yeah. So she's very nice, you know, and i'm like, you know, they always, you know, flip you back like without notice. I'm just sitting, she's like, okay, have a seat. She's like, you know, doing the, telling me about the maintenance and, um, you know, getting me all situated, right. Putting the bib on, um, which i don't know why they do. I mean,I know why they do them. She used the bib more than I used to bib, to be honest with you. She was wiping, you know, her tools on my bib. And I thought that was for me. And then half the time she's squirting me in the mouth with, you know, to rinse out and it's running down the side of my mouth onto my back of my head. This is like some porn movie. I like some kind of porn. Yeah. That's the book you should write. Not, TikTok. You have much more experience with the porn movie angle. Oh, I watched one once accidentally. Yeah. My friends made me watch it. Video store that has quite a lengthy backlog of your rentals. My dad used my car to rent porn. So that was not me telling everybody. No, that is a true story. That's true. God rest his soul.I get seated there and they push that button real quick on you and they flip you back. And I'm like, hold on a minute. I got to get my phone out of my pocket or it's going to go flying onto the floor. So I take my glasses off and put my phone up on the counter, which I could barely reach. And she throws me back. So I'm laying down. And then I always have a severe problem I didn't really think about it so much before, but now that I don't really know the dentists and all the people involved, you know what I mean? I don't know, uh, as well. I'm like, do I keep my eyes open or do I close my eyes? I close them. Yeah. That's what I did. I think it'd be too creepy to watch them. Well, but I always, I'm cause I'm, you know, I'm overly paranoid.You're like, I wonder how he's got like one eye kind of creeping open. You're always hoping like it would get a boobie on your chin or something like, no, come on. I'm not you. That's, that's you. And this is part of the book right there. Part of that book. You're right. Oh, come on. Let me talk to you about the assistance to dentists and hairdressers that put their boobs on your face. Come on. Um, So, yeah. So I'm, I'm like, uh, you know, I can't, I try to keep my eyes shut, but then I kind of have to look around every once in a while to get my bearings and make sure there's like not any agents sneaking up on me or something, whatever my mind's got going on. And, um, so I'm sure that's probably way creepier than either just leaving them open or leaving them closed, to be honest with you. Yeah. And then she's got this, this light on her head, right? Like she's wearing this, uh,Spotlight. Oh, she's splunking, yeah. Yeah, like she, yeah, exactly. Like she's splunking. And it's so freaking bright that it burns through my eye, my eyelids. Yeah. I could tell when she was like looking at my eye because this light was just like burning my retinas inside my eyelids, my closed eyelids. And so we're going along and I'll be honest with you you know I'm kind of proud. This is one of my best Uh, teeth cleaning, uh, outcomes, you know, they always give you the advice as they're doing it. They're like, I thought you were like all veneers or something, man. I do have veneers. Right. But that doesn't matter for the back side yeah so do they have to do the front side with veneers or how does that work? Yeah. The front side, I got veneers on the front of my teeth. Yes. I'll ask my hygienist. She'll tell me. Well, I just told you.Yeah, but you don't really, you know, no, no. I don't know. I know. So the backside still has the plaque, right? The front side. Oh yeah. I bet. Yeah. All the pizza crust. Right. Exactly. So she's, you know, she's working in there, but there's not a lot of comments, right? You usually get the, the, the, yeah. And then they're like, how often do you floss? You know what I mean? Stuff like that. A lot of. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? They're kind of, you know, you can kind of get the impression that they're not pleased with your, you know, the job you've been doing on your team. No, my girl don't do that. Oh, and then, you know, they ask about how often you floss, you know, and they're like, ah, it's kind of tough here. But this time, I didn't get a lot of that, which wasFantastic. I was like, oh, I'm doing better because i've been trying. Honestly,...

This Week

Welcome to "LeMent Tonight," where the host kicks off the show with a lively introduction, featuring guests like Pablo Lewin and Denise Medina. The evening includes humor and commentary on current societal issues, with Pablo delivering a comedic monologue that touches on themes of aging, societal frustrations, and absurdities in pop culture, such as the Titanic and the Golden Girls. The banter is filled with playful jabs and surreal anecdotes about his life experiences, including navigating protests and his humorous take on relationships. Denise joins in, sharing her comedic journey and upcoming shows, while also engaging in light-hearted exchanges about their personal lives and the entertainment industry. The episode culminates with a musical interlude before wrapping up, encouraging viewers to support the performers and enjoy their comedic offerings. Overall, the show blends humor with social commentary, creating an entertaining atmosphere for the audience.

Pablo Lewin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVzxZ2mJQwc

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. So glad to have you here on this joyous evening with momentous things happening in the world. We've got Pablo Lewin coming up. We got in the audience tonight from Chi-Town. Denise Medina is here with us. Let's start it off with our theme song from Gary Lime's and the flea towns taken away Gary. All right, thanks, Gary. You are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I really appreciate that. I don't know if everybody heard you, but he called me an asshole, which is great. Gary is not a big fan of being here tonight. He's got regular gigs during the week, and so he usually likes to do that. And then this is kind of an extra thing that he got roped into because he's in a rope program. So there you go. Pablo Lewis here tonight. Hey!Yeah, Pablo, let me bring you up here on the stage. Let's just get started. Let's get into it, shall we? All right. I mean, let's do something that everybody can enjoy, okay? I accept. I accept. Oh, my God. Look how bigam. I'm big and fat in real life. I'm big and fat here. I'm plausible. I mean, look, the way I look, I mean, Denise is crying. I mean, she is emotional about me coming here. I mean, look at her. I mean, she's got crying eyes. But listen. Let's do this, okay? I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everywhere is going out of school. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Just happy to be here. I'm an old man. I'm 65 years old, okay? My testosterone level is so low. Right now, I'm transitioning, okay? My pronouns, because everybody has pronouns, my pronouns are he needs Viagra.And I do, intravenously. But anyway, I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their jobs. The dollar buys a nickel's worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks, they're running wild in the streets. There's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do with us. There's no end to this. We all know the air is unfit to breathe and that food is unfit to eat. And we keep watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we have 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad. They're worse than bad. They're crazy. Like everything's going out. I want you to get up.Get up out of your chairs. Go to the window. Open and stick your heads out and yell, I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. Come on, everybody. Get up. Come on. You're watching me right now. The two or three people that are watching me right now masturbating. Stop masturbating. Get up out of your chairs. Go to the window. Open and stick your heads out and yell, I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore. Okay. Okay. Does anybody have any Prozac that I can use? Because anyway… What else can we talk about? I mean, there's nothing going on in the world. I just came back. I'm a little tired. I came back from demonstrating in downtown Los Angeles. And, you know, I got a little teary-eyed because of the tear gas. Show us your bruises. Show us your bruises. I got bruises here. Look at this. Old man bruises here, here. But there's a positive. You know, I was having tacos, street tacos.And with a little tear gas in the tacos, tasty. Forget about Tapatio sauce. No tear gas in the tacos. It's wonderful. And so anyway, I was celebrating freedom of speech and destroying all kinds of cars and everything else and and destroying the city. And why not? I got a little exercise. You know, it's very important to. you know, in my, at my age, you know, 65, you gotta keep moving. You gotta keep moving. That's why I kept running away from the cops. And, uh, you know, that was, that was great. And, uh, so yeah, I, uh, I did throw a couple of Molotov cocktails, but by Molotov cocktails, I meant, uh, uh, tequila with vodka and, uh, you know, a little, a little umbrella, you know, it's very important. I kept throwing the umbrellas at the cops and they appreciated it. I mean, I think we made friends, uh, with a couple of the cops and, uh,So that's pretty much what I was doing. And what else can I tell you about? Golden, oh, those of you watching right now, if you're young and you're wondering when you're going to realize you're old, it happened to me last week. I was watching reruns of the Golden Girls, okay? Reruns, you know, those old ladies that live, you know, by themselves in there. Most kids, not kids, most young men would go, I would never fuck them, but I went like, whoa, look at those bitches. I'd like to get a piece of that. And by that, I meant Sophia, the grandma. Holy shit. I mean, she's so small. She's a spinner. You know, a little WD-40, boom, we're having a party. And most guys watching a three-hour tour, you know, Gilligan's Island, you know, they want to fuck Marianne and they want to fuck, you know, the movie star or the chimp. You know, it depends. It's up to you. It's up to you.Not me. I want Mrs. Howell. Mrs. Howell, she's old and she's thankful. She's thankful she got a lot of money. I mean, you know, cougar me. But now that I think about it, I'm probably older than she was when she was on the island. And explain something to me. Three hour tour from Honolulu. Three hour tour. Let's say a 20 knots maximum that a ship can do that 60 miles, 70 miles out. That's Lanai. They're a bunch of islands. How can they get lost for seven years? I think they just voluntarily wanted to stay away from people. One thing that I never understood, they were on that island, three beautiful women and four guys, potent guys, and nobody ever got pregnant. Not even the chimp. How did that happen? Tell me how that happened. It's bullshit. It'sBullshit. Just like the movie Titanic. The movie Titanic, the worst freaking movie i've ever seen in my life. All the women love it. Oh, Jack. Oh, jackie you're so romantic what does he do? He just screws that girl in the cargo compartment and she leaves the richest guy in the world. That never happens in real life. Never happened. Never happened to me and i'm not rich. But I mean, come on i'll i'll screw him in there in the cargo compartment. And then when they go in the water, remember when they go in the water and they found this floating door, floating door, and then they both try to get on and they can't because she's too fat. But anyway, they can't, they can't get on the door. So,Jack, the nice guy, he lets her get on the door. And by the way, there was a deleted scene there. I don't know if you knew that. When she gets on the door, there's a knock on the door. She opens it. It was a Jehovah's Witness saying, have you found Jesus? Have you found Jesus? And she closes out that bitch. Why did she close the door? You know, it's a beautiful thing. You know, Jesus was right there. And anyway, the iceberg. Oh, don't get me started on the iceberg, okay? The iceberg killed the Titanic. Now, listen to this. Iceberg. That's kind of a Jew-y name, isn't it? That's kind of a Jew, just like me, a Jew bastard. Okay. And what does it do? It's obviously that the Jew killed the Titanic people. It was the Jews. They control the oceans. That's it. That's all there is to it. Anyway, what else do you want me to talk about? I quit drinking. I quit drinking 30 days ago. Thank you.booze and he's boozy. Franzia is upset by that right there. Oh, she's upset. I quit drinking. Thank you. I appreciate it. Milk! Milk! I quit drinking milk, okay? Because I'm lactose intolerant. I get explosive diarrhea all over the place. So I can't even screw women with big boobs because I get a rash. And by the way, I don't want to have… Most men like big boobs. I don't understand that. To me, as a scientist that I am, I say… big boobs have a lot of mass. When they're moving up and down, when you're screwing them and they're moving up and down, when they're in sync, that's okay. But if those boobs go out of sync, if they start hitting you, I go, oh, stop it, honey. Oh, no, that nipple, it took my eye out. It's terrible. So please, if any woman, any chuckle fuckers want to screw me after the show, please, make sure you don't have big boobs, okay? Yeah.anyway chuckle yeah that's why you got most young men and women. They get into the show business deal because they want to be famous. They want to have the best choice of, uh, you know, sitcoms and fox and not me. I'm 65 years old. Okay. I'm happy when i have a good bowel movement. Okay. That's what i'm happy. And, that and the only thing i want to do, you know, cameo, Bob, you know the the oh yeah cameo.com you know the old Uh, I think I'm on there somewhere. You're there. Okay. I was using the old washed out, uh, uh, performance. They don't want to anymore. They, they said happy birthday while they're sitting on the toilet, taking a dump....

Miles wonders about feet positions while Bob travels to the promised land of Indiana.

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Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. Monkeys. Monkey around. Singing to put anybody down. Just want to be friendly. Friendly. Thank you very much. Miles, are you there? I'm here, yes. Oh, okay. I said this is Bob. Hey, everyone. Miles here. This will be my location. Sorry. Oh, okay. I thought we were going to have another incident where you got caught with your pants down. Again. Again. Again. Again. Okay. Y'all situated there, sir? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I never can figure out why are you in so much pain all the time? I am. I am. I'm in a lot of pain all the time. What's going on with you? I mean, I have pain i have a lot of pain in my life okay you don't want to elaborate i guess what you're sayingI've been too tantric in my life. Okay. Okay. That's all you need to know. Stretching. Maybe you need to do a little stretching before. There's something cracked. Are you happy? Something just cracked. I hope you're happy. I'm not happy. I just read an article or a headline. Some lady in Las Vegas went to the chiropractor and the guy punctured her aorta when he cracked her neck somehow and she was in the hospital. Yakers. Yeah, yeah. Have you had that happen? I have the most gentle chiropractor. He's just so, so gentle. Okay. He's very gentle. I know you go to the chiropractor. I would never, ever go to the chiropractor. I haven't been in a long time. No, you haven't? I thought you went fairly regularly. No, not anymore. Not since the incident.Yeah, not since I got a $4,000 physical therapy bill. I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to deal with it like Bob. I'm just going to shut up. Hey, I'll tell you my secret for pain remediation. Gummies. Drugs, yeah. No, drugs. No, I… Reduce your inflammation. So what you have to do is fast. So don't eat for like 12, 16 hours and it reduces your inflammation. Yeah, no, I work with people that believe in this. I know, yes. But you don't, I mean, I'm just telling you it works because I've had knee pain since I was in my 20s, like early 20s. Actually, one of my teens, but because I've totally… my knees when i was young. And I don't have that constant knee pain when we were you and i were in college yeah i had constant knee pain constant it was like would drive me batty sitting in class. You were just trying to get a good grade. No, I had, it was pain i was i was like in pain. Constant pain.All I remember is you having like horrible posture, man. You were like, well, I still have horrible posture, but now I don't have any pain. So yeah, it's, it's dramatically reduced. I really have to hurt myself to have the kind of pain that I used to have almost daily. And I'm telling you, readjust your eating a little bit. You'll be fine. Yeah, me readjusting eating and me are not going to. That's not going to happen. Yeah, well, I'm just saying. It's not going to happen. It's worked for me, so I'm just passing that along. I'm not going to starve myself so my knee feels better. I'm not doing it. Okay. Well, I don't feel like I'm starving. You can take you and your Ozempic and shove it up your ass. I don't do Ozempic, no. I just don't eat. I don't eat for a while. Don't eat. Yeah. I know you take the Louis Anderson approach to eating. Okay. This guy.sends me nonstop pictures of him going out to eat these huge steak dinners. That's all I eat then. I don't eat three or four baked potatoes. What dessert? I'm like, Jesus, God, this guy is… I never have dessert. This guy's got to have at least four pounds of red meat in his colon at any given time. My dog here is going crazy. That's unusual. Oh. I had a steak this weekend. See? That I didn't even send you a picture of because I'm like, I've overplayed my taking pictures of steak and sending it to Miles. Yeah. So I'm not doing it anymore. So I didn't do it. He knows I'm on food stamps, so he just rubs it in my face. He's like, here. He goes, here, this is what you can't have. Yeah, you can't have this.You won't ever have to. Exactly. I went to Indiana over the weekend. Did you get lost or did you mean to go there? No, I meant to go over there. I had a great steak dinner, by the way. Thank you. Here we go. I had a fantastic salad, a potato and a steak. I did not have any dessert. I didn't eat you know, prior to that, I probably didn't eat for what, 12, 16 hours, something like that. Yeah. Great. But so my wife, I was tagging along with my wife. She had to do some stuff and she had to work. And so it was like, I'm being like you, right? Where you go with your wife and she works and then you piss around. Right. Yes, I do do that. Yeah. That's my whole life. I did. I pulled the miles this weekend. I went with my wife. We went and had a nice steak dinner and,The next day, I pissed around while she had to work. You teased me a little bit. I did, yes, a little bit. But I want to tell you, I was in Terre Haute, Indiana, which I'm going to just call from now on God's country. Wow. I've never been there before. I was close by. That's not where… we were staying, but I wasn't that far away. And my wife's like, I'm, what are you going to do all day? Cause I have to go work. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'll find something to do. You know, it's gotta be something to do around here, but it wasn't. And so I had to go all the way to Terre Haute. Oh, geez. So I, I'm like, well, I've never been to Terre Haute before. So,why not? Right. You know, it's got a name. It's very French, you know, you know, yeah. Yeah. They did have a Larry bird museum that I did not go to, but, uh, yeah. Let me guess. Cause it costs money. You're like, no, it costs a little money. So I was like, yeah, that's gotta cost a lot of money. I'm like, I'm not that big of a Larry bird video game. That's about it. Yeah. I go down to Terre Haute and I found this place called the Bank of Pinball. The Bank of Pinball. It's not a very good name. Because I like to play pinball and I thought, well, let's go check this out. And I stumbled upon probably one of the most genius ideas thateveryone should mimic, at least for me being a big, you know, nerdy pinball guy. So I get to the bank of pinball. Well, the bank of pinball is in like the mall. They have mall there. Yeah. Called the hot center. Okay. Tara Hote, Hote center. And yeah. And so like, this was a, still a functioning mall, which you don't see many of those nowadays, but, No, never. Instead of… Obviously, all the stores aren't there, but there was still some big stores. A lot of the mall stores. There were Spencer's. Spencer Gifts, right? Mall stores. There was a jewelry store. There was a pretzel thing and a popcorn place and all that kind of stuff that you get at a mall. But they replaced a lot of the empty stores withwith fun stuff. So one of them was the bank of pinball, which had God, I don't know how many pictures did I send you? Way too many. Yeah. I probably had, I don't know, probably had 30 or 35, 35, 40 pinball machines. Easily. It had other games that had ax throwing. Oh, it had laser tag. Yeah. They had, you know, like a bar, and it's all mixed in with a bar, you know, food and beverages. They had putt-putt mini-putt golf indoors. Yeah. Then, after I got done playing pinball, I played all these new pinball machines I'd never even seen before. They had a Jaws pinball, a Beatles pinball, a James Bond pinball, a John Wick pinball. Oh, wow. That's great. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I played them all. And then I got a couple of high scores on Guns N' Roses and Godfather Pinball. Did you really spell your name on that one? Yes. On two. I actually didn't send you the other picture, but yeah. Oh, wow. I thought you just somehow Photoshopped this thing. No, no. This is all real. So I'm like, this is great. So I spent my money because I limit myself because I'm a cheap bastard.And I had a little time, so I walked around the mall. And you won't believe what else they had in this mall. P.F. Chang's? No, no P.F. Chang's. They did have a functioning food court. Oh, okay. They had a Chinese place, Mexican place, pizza. I didn't eat there. But they had RC car racing indoors, like a big track where you go off-roading with the RC car inside the mall. Wow. Then you can buy a quad or a four by four. What place is this? Oh my God. It's the, it's the hot center in Terre Haute. Yeah. Haute center. No kidding. And they had a place where you could buy a compound bow and actually shoot it in the mall. You can shoot arrows in the mall. Hey kids. I'm like, if that isn't,nothing more dangerous than giving people broadhead arrows in a mall. I don't know what is what do you have the razor blade tips? Yeah, exactly. Oh my God. This sounds a little dangerous. And it was, and then they had like, uh, I didn't go into this place. You would love it because i know you like, you know, this kind of stuff, or at least your wife does maybe. Uh, they, one of the big box stores, like a dillard's or macy's or one of those things was gone. And it was full of flea market vendors. There's like 700 booths or something. Oh, wow. In this old Macy's. Oh, wow. Okay. They pretty much filled up the whole mall. There wasn't a lot of empty spaces. And yeah, it was total genius. I'm like, these people need an award.for this because they've taken what was dead space, right? And made it interesting. And there was, I mean, there was quite a few people that I was there early on a Saturday, so it wasn't like it was packed or anything, but I could see where it would be packed. They had, you know, you could get, you could get a beer like, you know, pubs and stuff in there. And so, so yeah, I was like, this is, I can't believe it. Nice. Now I want to go. Yeah, this is one of the best places that I've found, you know, like bumming around....

Doris Stokes

She became a golden girl before the first episode was even conceived. Doris was the elite of the psychic social set and got great exposure on the worldwide stage, especially the talkers on television in the 60s. Rob and Bob investigate the likelihood of Doris's effectiveness in the psychic realm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTPGnvGwN1Q

Bob gets an eyeful while Miles hassles old football players from the 80s.

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oh my God, my ear. Jesus Christ. Jesus, that was loud. Holy Christ. Now I'm loud before i was quiet. now no is that lady's voice. Oh, the live streaming. Yeah, the ai lady. Live streaming is on. Yeah. No! Do you smell that gasoline smell? Okay. Yeah. Yeah? Hey, Miles here with Static Radio. What are you, yeah. I was doing that voice today at work. I don't know why. Oh, you're trying to be, oh, what's his name? Duval. Yeah, Robert Duval, but what was his character name? Kurtz. No, Kilgore. He wasn't Kurtz. Kilgore. Kill gore. There you go. Kill gore. Smell. Smell it. Smell. Smells like CB's house. Smell. Smells like. Lots of balls. Lots of balls. You're horrible. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I crack myself up. I don't know. I'm a risk taker. I'm a risk taker. I don't know.I take risks. Yeah. Well, you know, I ran into your doppelganger recently. Oh, I don't have a doppelganger. Oh, well, there are parts of you that are doppelgangerish. I can tell you that. Okay. So apparently in these parts, it's become almost a sport to play purchase things from amazon and then just return them. And I think my wife is excelling at this sport currently because we're returning things at a rate that is phenomenal, right? Well, are you the people who like, will like get like good clothes and like have like some family picture taken and then like you put the clothes back like, oh, we didn't like them and Not that I'm aware of. Oh, okay. Because I know people have done that. She buys these things and she gets to say, yeah, I don't like that. I don't like the sex swing. And then it's going back, right? It's boxed up. Yeah. So, you know, I being, you know, as good a husband as I possibly can, I will do, I will go on errands. Yeah, you are the king of errands.I will, I will drive the errands and so forth. So one of the stops on the errands is to return, you know, the, you know, we, we, we take in 10 and we send back nine. That's a big ratio that I've noticed here lately. That's crazy. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. So we're at the UPS store, which, uh, just got a new location because the old location was a total cluster. Fuck. Uh, literally people were banging into each other constantly. So they, they got a new location, which really isn't that much better. I'll be honest with you. It's only mildly better than the old location. And so we had done some other errands. We get to the ups store and my wife's gonna run in. This is the good part for me. I don't have to go in. I just gotta stay in the car and keep it.either warm or cool, depending on the season. So right now, keeping it cool. And she goes in, returns the package, because it's all free, right? With Prime, you get free delivery and free returns. Right. All free. It has become entertainment. I'm going to return the jarts. Yeah, that's right. And then she gets back in the car, and she's like, why aren't you going? I'm in a parking spot, right? And I'm like, and I'm, you know, doing the eye thing where you like, look, you know, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I'm talking about, because I'm next to me is the miles title, uh, clone. Yeah. You couldn't take your eyes off his beauty. No, no, no. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Wait for the beauty part with his door open, leaning into the back of his car with his hash crack hanging out. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. It's big, fat, hairy ass crack is like right by my door. It winked at you. Yeah. And I'm talking and I'm like,you know, I'm, I'm, I'm looking over, I'm, my wife's in the passenger seat. I'm the driver's seat. I'm looking over at her and I'm like, you know, and she's like, Oh my God, that guy's ass is hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, this was like half crack. I swear to God, you know, just a few more centimeters and I would have saw a hole. Oh my God. I'm feeling horny, honey. Yeah. Or at least more cheek. Anyway. This is how I picture Miles. Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot. Yeah. This is Miles picking up the last of the Cheez-Its off the floor that he got right there. Yeah. Was he wearing like a wife beater like I like to wear? No, no. He didn't have. He had the actual clothes on, but they didn't. Ill-fitting. It was an ill-fitting shirt and then pants were.Or, you know he his pants would have been right at his waist had he been standing up. But as soon as he bent over, they just stayed there. And it's like a hinge. It's just like a hinge. And his ass crack yeah i was i was mortified and then my wife was cracking up. And this poor guy had to hear it. I mean, he just had to. How much video did you shoot of this? I didn't shoot any video i'm not this is not my thing. We're going to have this on Lament tonight. Hey, everyone. That's true. Well, maybe somebody else will show their ass crack on there. But yeah, I was just like, you know, it was so uncomfortable and I couldn't back out because he literally was just about like rubbing his cheeks on the door. Yeah.He was not a small person. He might have washed the handle or something. Yeah. Well, thankfully it was kind of on the back door. I never get in back there. Thank goodness. On the slider door. Ironically. You're cracking yourself up. Ironically, Bob saw the back door, it looks like. Yeah. I was just sitting there minding my own business, and I hear a lot of beeping. Beep, beep, beep. And then, what? He's backing up that junk in the trunk. Did you see the starfish at any point? No, no. It was very close, though. I can tell you it was eminent. Had David Cockerfield been there, the curtain would have dropped, and… The whole shebang, yeah. Although he was rather chubby, so maybe not. No, that's not me. Yeah, maybe not. It was woof and a lot of hair. Yeah. I'm like, man. The cheeks themselves were hairy? Yes, all the exposed area. Oh, I don't have hairy cheeks. Was very hairy, yes. All very…Yeah, me either. I don't have hair at all. What are you talking about? I'm an alien, for Christ's sake. I know. Smooth skin, yes. I was hairy. It all fell off. That's nice to know. Yeah. Well, this guy had all yours and more. And so finally, he stood up and went to take his package in, but it was quite the scene. And, uh, i mean he had to hear my wife saying, Oh, because your wife yeah i mean she curses a lot. I'm thinking like yeah jesus christ and then uh yeah very really something something ass something yeah the ass is hanging out. So how long have you been watching this? And I'm like, I looked, I was basically when she opened that door, I was staring at her because I'd already got a glimpse of the floor show and I wasn't, you know. You do like to check out people. You like to check out the backsides of people.Where do you get this shit? I don't like to check out the back of people. Yes. You're always like, you know, I was at this thing and I sat down and this woman had like this funny butt and I just looked at it. Well, if it's funny, sure. No, I used to. You're like some connoisseur or something. That was a two chair butt. Yeah. She was. Yeah. Where she took up two chairs. Yeah. And that was like 20 years ago. I mentioned that. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying. You're always like, well, no, it wasn't anything perverted. I was just looking. Yeah, it wasn't. And this was not perverted either. I was trying not to look. I just saw it. Yeah. And then I turned my head because my wife was coming around the car and I'm like… Will you be on my podcast, sir, please? Yeah. You know I have a podcast. It's called The Hairy Ass Crack. This week's guest. This week's guest will be you.i felt bad for him because yeah, she really yeah yeah she really, you know, he had to hear, it was so close. He had to hear. Windows down. Like, oh no. Luckily the window was up, but still. Yeah. Still this one yelling ass cheeks, ass cheeks boom ba ba boom on sale this week harry ham hocks i love that i love that part for was it stand by me or something about the fat kid yeah I was just like, oh, my God. What have I done here with these returns? Oh, my God. Look at this. I'm just whistling. Can I mind my own business? Many happy returns. What a day for a daydream. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my Lord. Look at that. Over there, Quark. What are you talking about? Oh, my God.He looked like a live action version of that stupid Charmin commercial with the bears and the stuff on their assholes. He turned around. He's like, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, help me. Oh my gosh. That's horrible. It was horrible. That's horrible. You'd make fun of this guy. I mean, normally you just see women juggling packages going in there cause they've are in the Amazon return club. Sounds like you were juggling your own package. I was not juggling anything. Ass. Oh, my God. What an ass. Buddy, look, I've got a semi. It's a little bit funny. It's deep inside. I'm not one of those can easily hide. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind. I got my hairy ass hanging out at the UPS store while I'm returning. All these boxes. If I bent over into my car, but then again, no. Yeah, if I started backing up, it would have been like… It would have streaked my car with its…I hope he wiped. Yeah, well, thankfully we did not get down that far. oh my God. that's so disturbing that is so disturbing. Yeah. I get too many i get too many bubble heads i gotta take some of them back. Yes. I collect your magic cards came. I get two boxes. We are never coming back here again, honey. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, I'm gonna I'm going to drive and just throw you out and I'll come back and pick you up later. I'll just come back later. Yeah. I never had that experience at the old store location. Because the parking lot was shit and you basically had to take your life out of your hands. You weren't looking, you know, weren't taking a lot of time....

Levelland UFO Case

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5n1ZuOU1Dk

Miles admires his cousin's earring, while Bob charms the local wildlife.

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Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Yes, he is a friend. Yeah, you know he's been a good friend. It ain't hard to define, just he's got himself a girl. And she's watching you, big guy. Yeah, I think. A little bit louder now. Bring up your mic a little. Come on, bring up the mic. Bring up my mic a little bit? Okay, now you're talking. Yeah, put that… I got you now. No, I got you now. I'm just saying, you know. All right. I thought maybe you were switching over to… Switching to glide? Yeah. Switching to glide. Switching to glide. Hey, everyone. Miles. You're clear. Get used to it. how's it going, Miles? um I'm good. I'm doing well yourself no i've had i've had better days i i bet you have yeah i watched uh i watched that peewee herman uh documentary over the weekend. You see that no i've been what i was watching something else. What were you watching?Uh, just the Tylenol killings. Oh, I've already seen that one. Yeah. Well, this is a new one. Another new one? Yeah, it came on today. Netflix. Just today? I'll have to watch it then. Did I stutter? Yes. Today. Today? Are you sure? Any new information or is it the same stuff from before? I don't really want to go into Okay, no problem. Yeah. Well, I love the Pee Wee documentary, by the way. I thought it was really good. Yeah, he recorded it right before he died, didn't he, or something? He did. Literally, he recorded a bunch of stuff. I don't want to give away any spoilers or anything. And then he stopped cooperating. And then at the last minute, he cooperated and then he died. Oh.He recorded a bunch of stuff, and man, this was like within the last month of his life or something. He's like, eh, maybe I don't want to do this, and then he reconsidered, and then he passed away. Wow. That's timing, huh? Yeah. Well, he seemed to have good timing, that Pee-Wee. Yeah, he was funny. anyway i am not here to talk about peewee herman excuse me okay or any other peewee all right we'll zip up and let's get going no i mean I should have, uh, I should have mentioned that I'd already done my story and then you had, you know, an animal story. And so I'm like, Oh, I got an animal story for you. Oh, that's right. Yeah. You were holding back on me now. Well, I'd already, I'd already, you know, slung my hook. So I figured I might as well. Yeah. You know, you have last week's animal story. And then this week I have an animal story. All right. Well, let's hear it. So I was sent out to pick up.some items from, uh, Sam's club mulch. No, no mulch yet. No mulch yet. That'll be soon but yeah you love mulch. And, uh, and so i was coming back, uh, from there and i pull into the driveway and, um, you know i'm gonna unload this hall. Cause every time you go to Sam's, you have to bring home, you know, a bunch of stuff. It's just like, they force you to do it at gunpoint. Literally they have somebody walking around with a gun. SS officers walking around. Exactly. $50 minimum. And I'm like, Holy shit. Holy crap. Yeah, no. So anyway, every time I go in there, I swear to God, it's like 50 bucks. Boom. at least minimum. Right. Yeah. Trunk full of stuff. And I get out of the car and I go around, you know, pop the back. I got a hatchback that I put on and I'm, I'm grabbing something out of the back of the car to take in. And I think it was some delicious Dr. Pepper zero. And I look and I'm like, what the,is there a giant crack in my driveway? It's like, it's this huge, like five foot crack in my driveway. I'm like, that wasn't there when I left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm racking my brain here thinking that there must've been an earthquake or something to put this large crack in the concrete. I believe you have a five foot long crack. Yeah, I do. I appreciate that. Thank you. And lo and behold, it's a snake. Oh, wow. This snake was at least five feet long. Five feet long. Stretched across my driveway. Wow. Yeah. And I'm like, holy hell. Have you ever seen one that big? Yes. Actually, I've seen one bigger, but not on my driveway. Yeah. I was at your house and we were doing this thing called two guys are going to talk about, nevermind. So, uh, my foot snake. And I was like, Oh my gosh. So now I have to walk past it to take all this crap in. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm like, Oh my gosh, you know, this,I mean, I don't know if this snake, I mean, obviously it's probably not poisonous because it's not, we don't have a lot of poisonous snakes around here. Right. Typically, you know, poisonous snakes generally aren't that big. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I'm like, holy moly. So I go, I take my first, I open the garage door. Hey, don't go outside if you don't want to see a giant snake. Right. and then everyone runs out. Yeah, everybody runs yeah Yeah, everyone runs versus snake yeah and then everybody's yelling at me, don't leave the garage door open it's gonna get in the garage and i'm like no it's not it's not gonna get in the garage i mean this thing's lazy. It's just lazing out there. Somehow between when i left, which i just did the one errand, and then when i came back, he crawled out onto this, you know, I have a bigdriveway. So you do. Yeah. This wasn't like, you know, he just popped on there like in two seconds this took a little time. And so i'm trucking stuff in kind of keeping an eye on him. Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Good idea. Yelling at me not to let him into the garage and no daddies yeah exactly and they're like, Holy moly, that's a big effing snake. He got there and they're taking pictures, you know? And they're like, Kill it. I'm like, I'm not a snake killer. That's not my style. Don't kill it. No, they eat mice and ground squirrels. Don't kill it. I'm like, just keep an eye on it so it doesn't go in the garage. But, you know, I'll, you know, I'll try to scare it off, but I got to get all this crap in from Sam. I got to get my, my, you know, a hundred dollars Sam's mortar in. That was first to purchase. I pulled onto the parking lot, you know, it's like, they don't charge for parking, but man, oh man, do they charge for, uh, everything else. So I get everything in and he's still there. He's making his way up to the garden. We have a front garden. Um,don't know what you call it. A front garden. I don't know what you it's flowers and things right so yeah right right yeah and so then my wife's like, no, don't let him go in the garden. I'm like, why? I'm like, I was going to go out there later today and weed. And I'm like, well, I don't know what to tell you. He seems pretty, he's heading right to the garden. I mean, it's right there. And I think that's where he's headed. And so between my shuffling in and out, he did. He headed right into the garden. And she's like, well, that fucks my day. My days. Yeah. I can't weed in the garden now. There's no way she regularly weed the garden this time of year. Yeah. She does do that. Right. Okay. You have poisonous snakes and, uh, and St. Louis, man. Uh, there's a few copperhead.Rattlesnakes, I think, are a little bit poisonous. I'm sorry. I'm just kind of catching up, man. I hear snakes as I come in the show, and I'm like, what the hell is Bob talking about, snakes? Yeah, snakes. But Miles asked me if that was the biggest one I'd seen. No. And I don't know if I told this story or not. Maybe you tell me, Miles, if you've heard it before. So one time I was mowing the grass, and I have woods and whatnot. Part of the yard is woods. And I'm up by the woods mowing, and literally a snake is staring at me. I'm sitting on a lawnmower, and in the edge of the woods is a snake that is eye-to-eye with me and is all the way down onto the ground, like an S. Yeah. That thing was like a seven-foot snake because I was at least three and a half, four feet off the ground.It's looking at me and its body was going all the way down on the ground. Holy shit. Wow. And I, I swerved. I was like, Holy moly. And I was like, so that part of the yard didn't get mowed that day. That reminds me of a story, man. I seen this thing on a tick tock earlier today where a dude is trying to Michael. Huh? That was pornography. Oh no, there's no pornography. Oh, okay. Bob's trying to derail the story. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. No, it reminds me of a story, man. You're talking about a snake. I'm talking about a dude, man. He was trying to use the crosswalk. It was on this TikTok video. And across the crosswalk was an alligator. It was somewhere near Tampa. Yeah, yeah. And the alligator is not today, buddy. You're not using this crosswalk.Oh, my gosh. I couldn't imagine having alligators just pop into your yard. Oh, gosh. Not be fun. Not be fun. Well, statistically, they say they statistically, right? I think they exist in the New York subway system. Oh, they don't have alligators in the subway system. Do they? That's what they said, man. I don't know. I don't know. Miles, have you ever heard this? I never said. alligator in the subway system. I lived in New York City before. They had movies about that. I think that was all made up. The snake threw everybody off. Everybody was off their game the day. Nobody wanted to go out in front anymore. That was the end of that for the day. You didn't shoo him away? No, he went into the flowers and he hid underneath something andWas he fast? No, it took him a while because he's freaking five foot long. Later that day, I was outside doing, I cut up all the stumps and everything and I was moving stuff around and he come shooting out from the other side of the driveway at me. Then he went back in the garden. He was on the other side of the driveway away from the garden, and he came shooting out, and he went into the garden. Hey, Bob, he wants to be your friend, buddy. Oh, well, see, we have this ivy, and I swear to God, snakes live in the ivy. That and hornets,...

This Week

Welcome to LeMent Tonight with Bob LeMent on Plauzzable.com and his special guest, Suraj, in a unique alley cast format. After a lively introduction from Gary Lymes and some humorous banter, Suraj shares his experiences of moving from India to the U.S. and the cultural differences he's encountered. He humorously discusses the mispronunciation of his name and the stark contrasts between American and Indian cultures, particularly regarding arranged marriages and social interactions. Suraj showcases his voice impressions of various characters, adding comedic flair to the conversation. The show also features playful segments where guests offer absurd advice on relationships and marriage, leading to entertaining exchanges. Overall, the episode blends comedy, cultural commentary, and engaging guest interactions, making for a lively and entertaining evening.

Suraj

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9evItAH_MY

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. From an alley near you, this is Bob Lament and my special guest, Serej, tonight. I'm going to throw it over to Gary Lime. Yes, that's right, Serej, right there. I'm going to throw it over to Gary Lime for the intro. Gary and the Flea Towns, please take it away. All right. Thank you, Gary. That was great. It's great to be here tonight. This is the first alley cast, as we'll call it here. I'm in the nondescript brick wall in an alley somewhere in St. Louis. Hopefully we'll not have any of the police show up on us and break up the party. But, you know, to keep things moving, I'm going to turn it over to Suresh.who's going to entertain us here. Go right ahead, Suresh. Oh, thank you so much, Bob, for having me as your first guest on AliCast. Yes, I love that name. And as my friend Dobby from Harry Potter would say… They must lament. Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. Thank you.Or… Or as my friend Shaggy from Scooby-Doo would say, Like, like, Bob. That was a good introduction, Bob. Zoinks! Or as my friend SpongeBob would say, Bob. Oh, Bob, that was a fantastic introduction. Ah! There you go. You got some taste of some of my voice impressions. I did. Yeah, thank you. And I take your introduction any day over. Oh, he looks like he works at a 7-Eleven. No, I don't. Or, hey, Suresh moved from India to the U.S., but after today, he's going to be deported. No.No, I'm not. I'm here legally. I'm a legal resident. Don't worry. The current president of the U.S. will definitely not say, Siraj, I love Hindus, but we are deporting you back to India. India is an excellent country, but we have to deport you very soon. Okay? Okay. He's definitely not going to say that with all the graveliness in his voice. Yeah. And the hairspray on his head, apparently, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. But, guys, it's great news. I moved from India to the U.S., and it's great because I get to enjoy American football, or as you guys call it, the Super Bowl. Yes. I can enjoy the Super Bowl in the U.S., but in India, all I could enjoy was a begging bowl. Is that official? Yes. If you have $5, please tip me. You can send it to at the rate AliCast on Cash App or Venmo or PayPal.Whatever you like. But guys, I just have to say that my friends said that, Suraj, life in the U.S. will be easier for you. You get to be a part of AliCast while we can't. No, they didn't say that. But the point is, they said life will be easier for you. No, it's not. It's not, Bob or anyone watching, because everybody here mispronounces my name. Suraj. Yeah, it's terrible. Suraj. Surage. As if I have an anger problem. Yeah. Like if you call me Surage, I will become Surage. Smash. Surage smash. Heck, the other day somebody pronounced my name as Surgery. Can you believe that? Surgery. I told him, no, it's syringe, not surgery. Don't complicate it. And then he was like, oh, sorry. I thought it was surgery, but okay, I'll call you syringe. Now you know why I don't have much hair on my head. I ripped it all off. But surgery and syringe, I told my family about it.And you know what they said? Son, that's the closest you'll get to becoming a doctor. You should have studied harder. I know, right? Your dad. Yeah, it's tough, I mean. But hey, for all the mispronunciations of my name, I can say it feels great to hear the correct pronunciation English words in the United States. Yes. It feels great to hear people say potato and not potato. It feels great to hear people say determine and not determine, which is absolutely wrong. If you say determine, you should go die in a landmine. That's all I have to say. No, I'm just kidding. And finally, the most important part, Bob and everyone here, it feels great to hear people say dating and not arranged marriage. Oh, my goodness. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. But one thing I have to say, a couple of more things I want to say is over here in America, we refer to our uncle asand aunts, kids as our cousins. Yes, you all know that, cousins. But in India, people tend to say cousin brother or cousin sister. Yes, they want to put a gender distinction to it. But I think that sounds pretty stupid because by this logic, am I supposed to call my uncle as cousin? Uncle Daddy? Hey, Uncle Daddy. What's up? Yeah. Americans would be confused by my family tree if they heard that. And one thing I have to say, not just the pronunciation of my name, all American people, the mountain in Asia, in India, it's pronounced Himalaya. Yeah. Not Himalaya. Not that ugly Himalaya. It's Himalaya. There's a flow. There's a beauty to saying Himalaya. Inner peace. Om Shanti. When I hear Himalaya, that sounds like a drunken way of saying he wants to get laid. Yuck. No. Honestly, no.Himalaya sounds like a terrible OnlyFans account. Yes. And on that, that's been my set for tonight. Thank you, Bob, for having me. Let's get on with the riff-raff. All right. Hey, thank you, Suresh. And I wanted to talk toafter the show about that arranged marriage. Who does the arranging? I was wondering. Who does the arranging? Yes, typically… You want an answer? Yeah, who does the arranging, honestly? Oh, in India, the arranged marriages are done by the parents, typically. Oh, okay. I didn't know. You paid an arranger? They had the loan arranger over there who took care of things? No, no, no. It's parents or sometimes even grandparents or that distant, nosy aunt or uncle who's like, oh, Suraj is unmarried still? He is…over the age of 30. What is this? And he's having a receding hairline. Okay. Let me find a girl for him. All you need is a little spray paint there, Suresh. You'll be all good. You can take care of that. No problem. I don't know how you match your color, but if you go to the Krylon section of the hardware store, I'm sure they've got something that's close. You said Krylon? Yeah. Yeah. Is that where people go and cry after doing a terrible spray job? They spray their heads. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Srej, thanks. We've got to go to a quick commercial, and we'll be right back. This is not a real commercial, Ian, just so you know. Well, it is a real commercial, but it's not exactly a commercial. Here we go. Yeah.Comedy combat is here. Pablo Lewin's roast battle. Uncensored. Unapologetic. Hilarious. Watch comedians obliterate each other with killer jokes. Stream it now on plausible.com. Search Pablo Lewin's roast battle. You can't handle the truth, but you'll love the laughs. There you go. Pablo Lewin's roast battle every week. Reg has won that a couple of times. There you go. Go Pablo. i have to mess with my optics there because they were backwards for some reason. So we'll, we'll deal with that. I wasn't expected. Wasn't expected at all. But, uh, just a second. I think gary's got another, another song for us. Gary, is that right over there one two three four All right. That's enough, Gary. We're going to get hit with some kind of copyright thing if we keep going any further. All right. Now we're at the point in our show where actually we're going to invite our guest, Suresh, and his arranged marriage, along with his can of what I would call kind of a dark chestnut Krylon, and play a game called Ask Not. And what we're going to try to do is get some advice from people, but we don't want you to give theBest advice. We want you to give the worst advice. The worst advice. Yeah. So I'll ask a question and we'll get the worst advice from you. So we'll start with you, Suresh, right? So let's just keep on the subject of arranged marriages, right? Yeah. So if you get stuck in an arranged marriage, how would you get out of it? Oh, the best way to get out or sorry, the worst way to get out of an arranged marriage is you've got to rub her feet. Yes, rubbing it. Keep rubbing it. Yes. Even when she wants to take a bathroom break, follow and hold on to that feet. Rub it, rub it, rub it, massage it, massage it, massage it till her feet feel numb.And then she's like, oh, no, I'm tired of this marriage. You're numbing me. You're numbing my senses. Get away from me, Suraj. I'm not really sure what the foot rubbing has got to do there. I'm trying to figure that out, honestly. Is this something that people in India not like to get their feet rubbed or what's going on with that? Oh, people in India, they really don't want their feet rubbed. Really? No. Instead, if you're trying to please someone, you should just touch their feet and put your hand on your forehead. Yes. That's considered seeking their blessings. I kid you not. No foot rubbing at all. No, no foot rubbing. That's bizarre because I would. I mean, literally, within the last 30 minutes, I was rubbing my wife's feet. And how did that go? Well, I'm here now. Yeah, she cast you away in the alley. Maybe there's something to these Indian traditions that I'm not hip to, apparently. But I thought maybe it would be something good, right? Yeah.But I gave you the worst advice. Do you want the best advice? Okay. No, I don't. Let's just ask not....