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Teen Self-Doubt: How to Help High-Achieving Teens Build Confidence
Is your high-achieving teen secretly battling self-doubt? 😔 Mental health expert Jason Phillips joins Dr. Cam—The Teen Translator—in this powerful episode to decode the hidden struggles of perfectionist teens. Learn how to support your teen without adding pressure, embrace failure as growth, and balance achievement with well-being. Get actionable strategies to build their confidence and foster a positive self-perception, as Jason and Dr. Cam unpack self-doubt, academic pressure, burnout, and teen anxiety.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution—packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jason Phillips, LCSW
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam: Welcome back, parents! Today, we're diving into how to support high-achieving teens through self-doubt and burnout. Many teens push themselves to the limit but still feel like they aren't measuring up, even though their parents see their amazing potential. It's frustrating when parents try to help, but their words seem to have the opposite effect. To help us unpack this, I’ve invited Jason Phillips, a therapist and mental health expert who specializes in guiding high achievers to overcome self-doubt and build real confidence. Jason has worked with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, and universities, and today he’s here to help us understand how to support our teens through perfectionism. Welcome, Jason!
Jason Phillips: Thanks for having me, Dr. Cam. I'm excited to have this conversation!
Dr. Cam: So, Jason, tell us about your journey. How did you end up focusing on helping high achievers?
Jason Phillips: It really happened organically. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I worked with military populations at the Ann Arbor VA and later served as the clinic chief at Fort Bragg. Over time, I noticed that corporate executives and leaders were drawn to my approach because I specialize in helping them overcome anxiety. That led me to helping high achievers break free from self-doubt and build confidence.
Dr. Cam: That’s amazing. It’s so ironic that high achievers often struggle with self-doubt. From the outside, they seem so confident, yet many of them are riddled with anxiety. I see this a lot with the teens I work with, too. They’re getting straight A’s and excelling, but they still feel like they’re not enough. Their parents tell me that no matter how much they express their love and support, it doesn’t seem to help. So, where do you think this drive for achievement comes from?
Jason Phillips: A lot of it comes from external pressures—parents, teachers, peers. I can relate to that pressure myself. I was a high achiever growing up, constantly pushed to excel. While straight A's were celebrated, they came with their own anxiety, because I felt like I couldn’t ever drop below that standard. External pressures, even from well-meaning sources like teachers and family, can make teens feel like they have to be perfect. That’s often where the self-doubt begins.
Dr. Cam: That’s such an important point. Parents want to encourage their teens and help them live up to their potential, but the way they say things can sometimes have the opposite effect. How can parents motivate their teens without adding pressure?
Jason Phillips: The key is to make room for failure. When we constantly tell our teens how great they are, they might think anything less than perfection means they’re failing. Allowing them to fail is essential, as it helps them see that mistakes are just part of the learning process. They need to understand that not being perfect doesn’t mean they’re not enough.
Dr. Cam: I love that. It’s one thing to allow failure, but I try to encourage my teen to embrace it. The idea is that failing at something difficult means you’re pushing beyond your comfort zone, which is where true growth happens. So, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about challenging yourself and learning from those challenges. What do you think about that approach?
Jason Phillips: Absolutely. Embracing failure is one of the best ways to help teens develop resilience. By pushing themselves outside their comfort zone, they’ll encounter setbacks, but that’s where growth truly occurs. It’s about focusing on what you tried, not just whether you succeeded or failed.
Dr. Cam: Exactly! And that mindset shift can make all the difference. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, Jason. It’s such a helpful perspective for parents trying to support their teens.
Jason Phillips: I don't know if you're into exercise or weightlifting, Dr. Cam, but there's this term where you'll ask, how many reps are we doing? Ten, twenty? And sometimes it's until failure, which means pushing yourself until you can't anymore.
Jason Phillips: Because we know that's when the growth happens. It's not in staying in a comfort zone. I want you to push yourself to failure until you just can't do anymore.
Jason Phillips: And then we've got kids who are constantly pushing themselves and never feel like it's enough. How do we balance that, where it's okay to be just okay and not amazing at everything? How do we communicate that without making them feel like we just think they're okay?
Jason Phillips: It goes back to balance. As much as we want to push to failure, we also need time for rest. We can't just go, go, go, or we'll get exhausted and burned out. We need to carve out time to relax, watch TV, play video games, or sleep in.
Jason Phillips: Make sure you're not just filling your calendar with things you have to do. You can put so much on there and never feel done.
Dr. Cam: I want to emphasize that because I see a lot of parents who don't understand why their kids feel that way, but when you look at their schedules, they're packed. Every time the kids try to relax or scroll through TikTok, they hear, "You're being unproductive."
Dr. Cam: You can't do that. If you have time for that, you have time for this. You should be doing this, doing that. We have this belief that we need to be productive 24/7, and that’s exhausting. It leads to burnout. We need to prioritize sleeping in and taking naps. Why is that so hard for us to prioritize?
Jason Phillips: For high achievers, it’s almost like feeling guilty—what am I missing or not doing? You're good at so many things, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. We need to incorporate rest, too. Parents need to be mindful and let kids pick a couple of things, but not everything.
Jason Phillips: Parents really have to model that same confidence and boundaries. If mom and dad are constantly stretched thin, saying yes to everything, how can we expect our kids to do otherwise? When we model it, it's much easier for them to follow.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, modeling is huge. And when we see our kids doing different things, we often need to look in the mirror and ask, "What are we modeling?" Often parents say, "My teen is amazing, but they have no self-esteem. They think they're not good at anything." How do we help them see their value when anything we say gets an eye roll?
Jason Phillips: One thing I encourage is asking your teen what they could help someone else do. How could they mentor someone younger? That often builds genuine self-confidence. The second thing is to give less advice. Instead, listen more to figure out where the disconnect is.
Dr. Cam: That’s so important and one of the hardest things for parents because we have so much wisdom to share, and we finally have an audience—but they don’t want to hear it. It’s frustrating.
Dr. Cam: Instead of getting frustrated, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own. That’s a plus! So, what do you think about asking your teen for advice?
Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s a huge plus. It builds trust. When you ask your teen for advice, it shows them that their thoughts are valued. It lets them know they have something insightful to add to the conversation. Teens probably have a lot of wisdom we’re not tapping into, and by listening to their advice and implementing it, it does wonders for them.
Dr. Cam (15:06.54)
The ability to not have to be right all the time as a parent is a real strength. I talk to kids who say, "My parents would rather die than admit they're wrong." That behavior is modeling the very fear our kids have: that you have to win.
Jason Phillips (15:39.395)
It gives them a voice. When we listen to our kids and ask for their input and follow what they say, it lets them know that what they say matters.
Dr. Cam (16:07.726)
Yeah, that is so key, and we don't have to agree with it.
Jason Phillips (16:12.051)
No, we don’t have to. It can start small—asking, "What do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we watch?" Not always having to control everything.
Dr. Cam (16:22.595)
Yeah, giving them a lot of agency is really important. Parents often say, "If I don't micromanage, they won’t do as well, and that hurts their self-esteem." But when you put the responsibility back on them, they understand they have to do things for themselves.
Jason Phillips (16:59.755)
It’s about building confidence. I remember my mom telling me to ask the teacher for help or ask a waiter questions. At the time, it was nerve-wracking, but it helped me advocate for myself.
Dr. Cam (18:08.974)
That's something really big with my daughter too. She has always been part of the conversation and voiced her thoughts, which has helped her value what she says.
Jason Phillips (18:24.503)
Right here.
Dr. Cam (18:37.512)
She’s very good at advocating for herself now. It took time, but it’s made a difference. When we say stepping back will hurt their self-confidence, it’s managing our own fears about how they’re feeling.
Jason Phillips (19:12.683)
Right. When you let them fail and be themselves, you're not coddling them but allowing them to learn on their own.
Dr. Cam (19:50.862)
Let’s talk about high-achieving teens and parents. There's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers too.
Jason Phillips (20:11.413)
Parents are often juggling too much—work, clubs, and kids’ extracurriculars—and then feel exhausted. They may not realize they’re not modeling what they want for their kids.
Dr. Cam (20:14.894)
What do you see with that?
Jason Phillips (20:40.885)
They don’t set boundaries and end up feeling burned out. When you look at their lives, they’re involved in everything—president of clubs, treasurer in groups. But they don’t have time to give 100%. They can’t model balance when they’re overwhelmed.
Dr. Cam (21:42.358)
Right. And parents often say, "My kid won’t do it," when it comes to sharing responsibilities. That’s another topic, but it’s important.
Jason Phillips (21:54.903)
Absolutely.
Dr. Cam (22:10.378)
There’s this belief that parents need to push, push, push, and kids should adopt that mentality too. Where does that mentality come from?
Jason Phillips (22:27.287)
It’s not healthy. Kids can only handle so much, and when they push back, they may act out. As adults, we can manage our emotions better, but kids don't always have the tools to do that.
Dr. Cam (23:24.856)
Right, we can’t make up for our past by pushing our kids to do what we didn’t get to do at their age.
Jason Phillips (23:25.259)
Exactly. Kids shouldn’t be expected to live out our unfulfilled dreams.
Dr. Cam (24:01.046)
It’s unfair because parents are taking over their kids’ lives and not letting them live their own.
Jason Phillips (24:16.405)
I spoke to an adult who said their parent was so overbearing with their golf that it hurt their experience. Parents were living out their dreams through their kids, and it wasn’t healthy.
Dr. Cam (24:56.27)
Yeah, it's tough to know where to draw the line between being involved and overstepping. How do we balance caring and supporting without taking over their lives?
Jason Phillips:
You can show up, but you don't have to show out. Be present for your kid’s activities, listen when they share their day, whether it's good or bad, but don't try to solve all of their issues. Overstepping happens when you try to be a part of their team or get overly involved in things at school. We’re the adults—we’ve lived through our teenage years, and they’re different from now. Step back and give them space. If you smother them, it could cause problems, even bullying.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, it’s really tough. I think when we’re high achievers ourselves, we tend to extend that expectation to our kids. As parents, we see their successes as ours. So, if our kids aren’t high-achieving, straight-A, go-go-go kids, how do we not feel like we’re not pushing them hard enough?
Jason Phillips:
I always tell people to run your own race and stay in your own lane. Think of a track race—everyone has their own lane. If you’re looking over at someone else, you can trip up or slow down. Focus on what’s in front of you, and feel good about it. Comparing yourself and reflecting on what you didn’t do gets you into dangerous territory. Stay in your lane, run your race, and be proud of it.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, staying in your lane—not just with other parents, but with your teen too. Let them run their race and cheer them on, but let them do their own thing, right?
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Think back to when we were younger and our parents would comment on our music or clothes. We’d get upset, thinking they were outdated. Now, here we are, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get the music anymore. My wife teases me about it, and I admit, I’m outdated.
Dr. Cam:
Right, and that’s the thing. When we’re focused on what our teens are doing, we can lose focus on how we’re showing up for them.
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, sometimes we focus too much on living through our kids. We forget that we also need to live our own lives. When we’re confident in our careers, relationships, and identity outside of being parents, we model that for our kids. They’ll see that being a parent doesn’t mean sacrificing everything else in life. Some parents lose their social life, prayer life, and sense of self once they have kids. That’s not healthy for either the parent or the child.
Dr. Cam:
Right, kids don’t want you around all the time. If you’re overbearing, you risk creating an enmeshed relationship.
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Kids need their space, too.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, and one of the best things is when my daughter tells me, “I’m so proud of you, mom, for what you’re doing.” It’s a reminder that we’re both cheering each other on, doing our own things, rather than being too enmeshed.
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, it’s great when both of you are thriving in your own ways.
Dr. Cam:
Right, and some parents might feel they don’t have time for their own activities. But I always tell them: stop micromanaging your teen and spend some of that time doing something fun for yourself. You’ll enjoy it, and your teen will appreciate it too.
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Pick one thing you used to love doing—whether it’s dancing, bowling, or reading—and do it. Show your teen that you have interests outside of them. You’ll become more interesting to them, and they’ll see you as a well-rounded person, not just a parent.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, it makes you more interesting, and they’ll want to talk to you more because you have something unique to share. Kids don’t want to talk about their stuff with parents all the time—it gets tough.
Dr. Cam:
One last question. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down—saying things like, “I can’t do this, I’m not good at this”—how do we respond as parents?
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, that’s tough.
Jason Phillips (32:56.663):
Before we start giving them positive affirmations, I want us to build a stronger connection with that teen. You want them to be able to really open up to you and trust you. You want to be that safe space. Let me share the LOVE acronym. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down, first, listen.
The L is for listen. Listen to what they're saying because there may be some disconnect. If they say they're not good at something, you can highlight all the awards and trophies, but you can’t do that first without listening. Be objective. Don’t put so much pressure on what they're saying. Don’t judge whether it’s bad or good. Listen objectively and have a neutral space.
The V is for validate. You want to validate their feelings and thoughts. If they feel a certain way, don’t try to immediately take it away or say it's nonsense. Maybe they’re having a hard day or feeling insecure. Validate that with empathy.
Once you do that, they’ll be in a place where they can be more vulnerable, and then you can point out what they’re missing. They might be putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking they're not enough.
Dr. Cam (33:43.278):
That’s so key. A lot of parents immediately respond with, "What do you mean? Yes, you are! You can do this. Look at all the awards!" They’re trying to give evidence that it’s not true. But what happens is they completely invalidate what the teen is saying, which often leads to the teen thinking, "You have to say that because you're my parent."
If your teen says something like that or rolls their eyes, it’s a sign you need to go to the LOVE approach.
Jason Phillips (34:52.022):
Exactly. If someone immediately tries to combat what I say, I'll get defensive. For example, if you tell me, "Jason, that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen," I’d probably say, "No, it's not. I have better ones." High achievers are often not great at accepting compliments. We point out our imperfections.
Dr. Cam (35:28.396):
That brings up another point. Many people mistake humility for putting themselves down. We're taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is to put ourselves down. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem. How do we help teens see the good in themselves without making them feel like they’re becoming egotistical?
Jason Phillips (36:35.413):
Two things I would suggest: First, understand where it’s coming from. For instance, if you hear your child say something like, "I'm so stupid" or "I keep messing up," ask them, "What makes you say that?" Help them walk through how they arrived at that conclusion. Don’t dismiss their feelings; instead, try to understand the reasoning behind it.
Secondly, encourage them to practice saying good things about themselves. It’s like an elevator pitch where they get to talk about themselves in a positive way. We're often uncomfortable because we’ve never been taught to do it. We're so used to others speaking highly of us, but we haven’t taken the time to say something positive about ourselves. It's not bragging; it's just being honest.
Dr. Cam (38:27.426):
That’s so important. Instead of saying, "I'm proud of you," I say, "You must be so proud of yourself." The focus is on them feeling proud of their own achievements, not just making me proud. This helps them take ownership of their success.
Jason Phillips (38:33.495):
It’s the idea of, "I want you to take care of you for me, and I’ll take care of me for you."
Dr. Cam (39:03.671):
That’s a great way to end. Parents, that's beautiful advice. Jason, how can people find you?
Jason Phillips (39:13.089):
They can find me on all social platforms at @JPhillipsMSW. My website is jasonlphillips.com. I also have a free confidence guide at stepstoconfidence.com, and they can listen to my podcast, the Peace and Prosperity podcast, available on Apple, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Dr. Cam (39:25.792):
Thank you so much for joining us today, Jason.
Jason Phillips (39:47.72):
Thanks, Dr. Cam. Appreciate you having me.
#HighAchievingTeens #TeenConfidence
View all episodes
By Dr. Cam
4.6
5252 ratings
Is your high-achieving teen secretly battling self-doubt? 😔 Mental health expert Jason Phillips joins Dr. Cam—The Teen Translator—in this powerful episode to decode the hidden struggles of perfectionist teens. Learn how to support your teen without adding pressure, embrace failure as growth, and balance achievement with well-being. Get actionable strategies to build their confidence and foster a positive self-perception, as Jason and Dr. Cam unpack self-doubt, academic pressure, burnout, and teen anxiety.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫
🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution—packed episode! 🙌
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jason Phillips, LCSW
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam: Welcome back, parents! Today, we're diving into how to support high-achieving teens through self-doubt and burnout. Many teens push themselves to the limit but still feel like they aren't measuring up, even though their parents see their amazing potential. It's frustrating when parents try to help, but their words seem to have the opposite effect. To help us unpack this, I’ve invited Jason Phillips, a therapist and mental health expert who specializes in guiding high achievers to overcome self-doubt and build real confidence. Jason has worked with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, and universities, and today he’s here to help us understand how to support our teens through perfectionism. Welcome, Jason!
Jason Phillips: Thanks for having me, Dr. Cam. I'm excited to have this conversation!
Dr. Cam: So, Jason, tell us about your journey. How did you end up focusing on helping high achievers?
Jason Phillips: It really happened organically. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I worked with military populations at the Ann Arbor VA and later served as the clinic chief at Fort Bragg. Over time, I noticed that corporate executives and leaders were drawn to my approach because I specialize in helping them overcome anxiety. That led me to helping high achievers break free from self-doubt and build confidence.
Dr. Cam: That’s amazing. It’s so ironic that high achievers often struggle with self-doubt. From the outside, they seem so confident, yet many of them are riddled with anxiety. I see this a lot with the teens I work with, too. They’re getting straight A’s and excelling, but they still feel like they’re not enough. Their parents tell me that no matter how much they express their love and support, it doesn’t seem to help. So, where do you think this drive for achievement comes from?
Jason Phillips: A lot of it comes from external pressures—parents, teachers, peers. I can relate to that pressure myself. I was a high achiever growing up, constantly pushed to excel. While straight A's were celebrated, they came with their own anxiety, because I felt like I couldn’t ever drop below that standard. External pressures, even from well-meaning sources like teachers and family, can make teens feel like they have to be perfect. That’s often where the self-doubt begins.
Dr. Cam: That’s such an important point. Parents want to encourage their teens and help them live up to their potential, but the way they say things can sometimes have the opposite effect. How can parents motivate their teens without adding pressure?
Jason Phillips: The key is to make room for failure. When we constantly tell our teens how great they are, they might think anything less than perfection means they’re failing. Allowing them to fail is essential, as it helps them see that mistakes are just part of the learning process. They need to understand that not being perfect doesn’t mean they’re not enough.
Dr. Cam: I love that. It’s one thing to allow failure, but I try to encourage my teen to embrace it. The idea is that failing at something difficult means you’re pushing beyond your comfort zone, which is where true growth happens. So, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about challenging yourself and learning from those challenges. What do you think about that approach?
Jason Phillips: Absolutely. Embracing failure is one of the best ways to help teens develop resilience. By pushing themselves outside their comfort zone, they’ll encounter setbacks, but that’s where growth truly occurs. It’s about focusing on what you tried, not just whether you succeeded or failed.
Dr. Cam: Exactly! And that mindset shift can make all the difference. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, Jason. It’s such a helpful perspective for parents trying to support their teens.
Jason Phillips: I don't know if you're into exercise or weightlifting, Dr. Cam, but there's this term where you'll ask, how many reps are we doing? Ten, twenty? And sometimes it's until failure, which means pushing yourself until you can't anymore.
Jason Phillips: Because we know that's when the growth happens. It's not in staying in a comfort zone. I want you to push yourself to failure until you just can't do anymore.
Jason Phillips: And then we've got kids who are constantly pushing themselves and never feel like it's enough. How do we balance that, where it's okay to be just okay and not amazing at everything? How do we communicate that without making them feel like we just think they're okay?
Jason Phillips: It goes back to balance. As much as we want to push to failure, we also need time for rest. We can't just go, go, go, or we'll get exhausted and burned out. We need to carve out time to relax, watch TV, play video games, or sleep in.
Jason Phillips: Make sure you're not just filling your calendar with things you have to do. You can put so much on there and never feel done.
Dr. Cam: I want to emphasize that because I see a lot of parents who don't understand why their kids feel that way, but when you look at their schedules, they're packed. Every time the kids try to relax or scroll through TikTok, they hear, "You're being unproductive."
Dr. Cam: You can't do that. If you have time for that, you have time for this. You should be doing this, doing that. We have this belief that we need to be productive 24/7, and that’s exhausting. It leads to burnout. We need to prioritize sleeping in and taking naps. Why is that so hard for us to prioritize?
Jason Phillips: For high achievers, it’s almost like feeling guilty—what am I missing or not doing? You're good at so many things, but just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. We need to incorporate rest, too. Parents need to be mindful and let kids pick a couple of things, but not everything.
Jason Phillips: Parents really have to model that same confidence and boundaries. If mom and dad are constantly stretched thin, saying yes to everything, how can we expect our kids to do otherwise? When we model it, it's much easier for them to follow.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, modeling is huge. And when we see our kids doing different things, we often need to look in the mirror and ask, "What are we modeling?" Often parents say, "My teen is amazing, but they have no self-esteem. They think they're not good at anything." How do we help them see their value when anything we say gets an eye roll?
Jason Phillips: One thing I encourage is asking your teen what they could help someone else do. How could they mentor someone younger? That often builds genuine self-confidence. The second thing is to give less advice. Instead, listen more to figure out where the disconnect is.
Dr. Cam: That’s so important and one of the hardest things for parents because we have so much wisdom to share, and we finally have an audience—but they don’t want to hear it. It’s frustrating.
Dr. Cam: Instead of getting frustrated, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own. That’s a plus! So, what do you think about asking your teen for advice?
Jason Phillips: Yeah, it’s a huge plus. It builds trust. When you ask your teen for advice, it shows them that their thoughts are valued. It lets them know they have something insightful to add to the conversation. Teens probably have a lot of wisdom we’re not tapping into, and by listening to their advice and implementing it, it does wonders for them.
Dr. Cam (15:06.54)
The ability to not have to be right all the time as a parent is a real strength. I talk to kids who say, "My parents would rather die than admit they're wrong." That behavior is modeling the very fear our kids have: that you have to win.
Jason Phillips (15:39.395)
It gives them a voice. When we listen to our kids and ask for their input and follow what they say, it lets them know that what they say matters.
Dr. Cam (16:07.726)
Yeah, that is so key, and we don't have to agree with it.
Jason Phillips (16:12.051)
No, we don’t have to. It can start small—asking, "What do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we watch?" Not always having to control everything.
Dr. Cam (16:22.595)
Yeah, giving them a lot of agency is really important. Parents often say, "If I don't micromanage, they won’t do as well, and that hurts their self-esteem." But when you put the responsibility back on them, they understand they have to do things for themselves.
Jason Phillips (16:59.755)
It’s about building confidence. I remember my mom telling me to ask the teacher for help or ask a waiter questions. At the time, it was nerve-wracking, but it helped me advocate for myself.
Dr. Cam (18:08.974)
That's something really big with my daughter too. She has always been part of the conversation and voiced her thoughts, which has helped her value what she says.
Jason Phillips (18:24.503)
Right here.
Dr. Cam (18:37.512)
She’s very good at advocating for herself now. It took time, but it’s made a difference. When we say stepping back will hurt their self-confidence, it’s managing our own fears about how they’re feeling.
Jason Phillips (19:12.683)
Right. When you let them fail and be themselves, you're not coddling them but allowing them to learn on their own.
Dr. Cam (19:50.862)
Let’s talk about high-achieving teens and parents. There's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers too.
Jason Phillips (20:11.413)
Parents are often juggling too much—work, clubs, and kids’ extracurriculars—and then feel exhausted. They may not realize they’re not modeling what they want for their kids.
Dr. Cam (20:14.894)
What do you see with that?
Jason Phillips (20:40.885)
They don’t set boundaries and end up feeling burned out. When you look at their lives, they’re involved in everything—president of clubs, treasurer in groups. But they don’t have time to give 100%. They can’t model balance when they’re overwhelmed.
Dr. Cam (21:42.358)
Right. And parents often say, "My kid won’t do it," when it comes to sharing responsibilities. That’s another topic, but it’s important.
Jason Phillips (21:54.903)
Absolutely.
Dr. Cam (22:10.378)
There’s this belief that parents need to push, push, push, and kids should adopt that mentality too. Where does that mentality come from?
Jason Phillips (22:27.287)
It’s not healthy. Kids can only handle so much, and when they push back, they may act out. As adults, we can manage our emotions better, but kids don't always have the tools to do that.
Dr. Cam (23:24.856)
Right, we can’t make up for our past by pushing our kids to do what we didn’t get to do at their age.
Jason Phillips (23:25.259)
Exactly. Kids shouldn’t be expected to live out our unfulfilled dreams.
Dr. Cam (24:01.046)
It’s unfair because parents are taking over their kids’ lives and not letting them live their own.
Jason Phillips (24:16.405)
I spoke to an adult who said their parent was so overbearing with their golf that it hurt their experience. Parents were living out their dreams through their kids, and it wasn’t healthy.
Dr. Cam (24:56.27)
Yeah, it's tough to know where to draw the line between being involved and overstepping. How do we balance caring and supporting without taking over their lives?
Jason Phillips:
You can show up, but you don't have to show out. Be present for your kid’s activities, listen when they share their day, whether it's good or bad, but don't try to solve all of their issues. Overstepping happens when you try to be a part of their team or get overly involved in things at school. We’re the adults—we’ve lived through our teenage years, and they’re different from now. Step back and give them space. If you smother them, it could cause problems, even bullying.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, it’s really tough. I think when we’re high achievers ourselves, we tend to extend that expectation to our kids. As parents, we see their successes as ours. So, if our kids aren’t high-achieving, straight-A, go-go-go kids, how do we not feel like we’re not pushing them hard enough?
Jason Phillips:
I always tell people to run your own race and stay in your own lane. Think of a track race—everyone has their own lane. If you’re looking over at someone else, you can trip up or slow down. Focus on what’s in front of you, and feel good about it. Comparing yourself and reflecting on what you didn’t do gets you into dangerous territory. Stay in your lane, run your race, and be proud of it.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, staying in your lane—not just with other parents, but with your teen too. Let them run their race and cheer them on, but let them do their own thing, right?
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Think back to when we were younger and our parents would comment on our music or clothes. We’d get upset, thinking they were outdated. Now, here we are, and sometimes I feel like I don’t get the music anymore. My wife teases me about it, and I admit, I’m outdated.
Dr. Cam:
Right, and that’s the thing. When we’re focused on what our teens are doing, we can lose focus on how we’re showing up for them.
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, sometimes we focus too much on living through our kids. We forget that we also need to live our own lives. When we’re confident in our careers, relationships, and identity outside of being parents, we model that for our kids. They’ll see that being a parent doesn’t mean sacrificing everything else in life. Some parents lose their social life, prayer life, and sense of self once they have kids. That’s not healthy for either the parent or the child.
Dr. Cam:
Right, kids don’t want you around all the time. If you’re overbearing, you risk creating an enmeshed relationship.
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Kids need their space, too.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, and one of the best things is when my daughter tells me, “I’m so proud of you, mom, for what you’re doing.” It’s a reminder that we’re both cheering each other on, doing our own things, rather than being too enmeshed.
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, it’s great when both of you are thriving in your own ways.
Dr. Cam:
Right, and some parents might feel they don’t have time for their own activities. But I always tell them: stop micromanaging your teen and spend some of that time doing something fun for yourself. You’ll enjoy it, and your teen will appreciate it too.
Jason Phillips:
Exactly. Pick one thing you used to love doing—whether it’s dancing, bowling, or reading—and do it. Show your teen that you have interests outside of them. You’ll become more interesting to them, and they’ll see you as a well-rounded person, not just a parent.
Dr. Cam:
Yeah, it makes you more interesting, and they’ll want to talk to you more because you have something unique to share. Kids don’t want to talk about their stuff with parents all the time—it gets tough.
Dr. Cam:
One last question. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down—saying things like, “I can’t do this, I’m not good at this”—how do we respond as parents?
Jason Phillips:
Yeah, that’s tough.
Jason Phillips (32:56.663):
Before we start giving them positive affirmations, I want us to build a stronger connection with that teen. You want them to be able to really open up to you and trust you. You want to be that safe space. Let me share the LOVE acronym. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down, first, listen.
The L is for listen. Listen to what they're saying because there may be some disconnect. If they say they're not good at something, you can highlight all the awards and trophies, but you can’t do that first without listening. Be objective. Don’t put so much pressure on what they're saying. Don’t judge whether it’s bad or good. Listen objectively and have a neutral space.
The V is for validate. You want to validate their feelings and thoughts. If they feel a certain way, don’t try to immediately take it away or say it's nonsense. Maybe they’re having a hard day or feeling insecure. Validate that with empathy.
Once you do that, they’ll be in a place where they can be more vulnerable, and then you can point out what they’re missing. They might be putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking they're not enough.
Dr. Cam (33:43.278):
That’s so key. A lot of parents immediately respond with, "What do you mean? Yes, you are! You can do this. Look at all the awards!" They’re trying to give evidence that it’s not true. But what happens is they completely invalidate what the teen is saying, which often leads to the teen thinking, "You have to say that because you're my parent."
If your teen says something like that or rolls their eyes, it’s a sign you need to go to the LOVE approach.
Jason Phillips (34:52.022):
Exactly. If someone immediately tries to combat what I say, I'll get defensive. For example, if you tell me, "Jason, that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen," I’d probably say, "No, it's not. I have better ones." High achievers are often not great at accepting compliments. We point out our imperfections.
Dr. Cam (35:28.396):
That brings up another point. Many people mistake humility for putting themselves down. We're taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is to put ourselves down. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem. How do we help teens see the good in themselves without making them feel like they’re becoming egotistical?
Jason Phillips (36:35.413):
Two things I would suggest: First, understand where it’s coming from. For instance, if you hear your child say something like, "I'm so stupid" or "I keep messing up," ask them, "What makes you say that?" Help them walk through how they arrived at that conclusion. Don’t dismiss their feelings; instead, try to understand the reasoning behind it.
Secondly, encourage them to practice saying good things about themselves. It’s like an elevator pitch where they get to talk about themselves in a positive way. We're often uncomfortable because we’ve never been taught to do it. We're so used to others speaking highly of us, but we haven’t taken the time to say something positive about ourselves. It's not bragging; it's just being honest.
Dr. Cam (38:27.426):
That’s so important. Instead of saying, "I'm proud of you," I say, "You must be so proud of yourself." The focus is on them feeling proud of their own achievements, not just making me proud. This helps them take ownership of their success.
Jason Phillips (38:33.495):
It’s the idea of, "I want you to take care of you for me, and I’ll take care of me for you."
Dr. Cam (39:03.671):
That’s a great way to end. Parents, that's beautiful advice. Jason, how can people find you?
Jason Phillips (39:13.089):
They can find me on all social platforms at @JPhillipsMSW. My website is jasonlphillips.com. I also have a free confidence guide at stepstoconfidence.com, and they can listen to my podcast, the Peace and Prosperity podcast, available on Apple, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Dr. Cam (39:25.792):
Thank you so much for joining us today, Jason.
Jason Phillips (39:47.72):
Thanks, Dr. Cam. Appreciate you having me.
#HighAchievingTeens #TeenConfidence
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