In this episode, my friend and other relationship anxiety practitioner, Chelsea Horton over at Healing Embodied, and I share our counter-cultural relationship beliefs that have served us well and brought us deep peace in our long-term partnerships.

This episode was recorded as a joint effort - meaning it showed up on both our podcasts, and there is no formal host. Enjoy 🙂

Links:

Ask me anything and receive a 10 min video response:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Join my Patreon! We host monthly meetings on Zoom

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

7:00 Taking a non-entitled perspective on relationships

12:00 Creating a culture of gratitude in your relationship

14:30 #1 saying thank you to your partner even if you deserve what he/she gives

16:00 #2 I receive what I am given (say yes to what is

25:05 #3 I don't need my partner to have similar interests to me in order to be happy

40:15 #4 I "settled" and I am deeply fulfilled (redefine what settling means to you)

46:55 #5 Trying to make my partner what I think they should be is not love, it is control

50:55 #6 I am 100% responsible for my own aliveness and pleasure

1:01:00 #7 I am okay with my partner not being perfect and fully evolved

I really should have titled this, "10 ways Natalie is controlling." Ha! I hope you enjoy this episode. If you want to practice trusting your partner more, I give you 10 examples of ways to do this based on mistakes I've made. Listen to this episode, save your energy and breath and grant yourself relational/marital peace.

Links:

Wisio is hosting a sale! Ask me anything for 10% off: Code: FALL23

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Next Patreon group coaching call at Oct 8th, 11am PST/2pm EST

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

2:45 Thinking of my unsolicited feedback as helpful

5:00 The difference between letting go of control and tolerating disrespect

7:56 Trying to control my partner's bedtime and waking time

16:06 Policing my partner's food choices

18:01 Coaching my partner when we are out having fun

20:01 Undoing what my partner does and redoing it

21:40 Sending my partner relationship advice

24:00 Making sure that my partner did what his mother asked of him

25:20 Telling my partner how to act towards his friends

26:45 Controlling how my partner cooks

29:00 Trying to have my partner open up and have a deep conversation against his will

31:55 Trying to get my partner to be more present with me

39:30 Hosting a mindful movement class in Orange County

In this episode, I share how the lack of sisterhood/brotherhood/community can contribute to relationship anxiety and dissatisfaction, and how to cultivate it.

Links:

Ask me a question:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Next Patreon group coaching call at Oct 8th, 11am PST/2pm EST

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

5:00 Losing the passion in your relationship

8:10 The importance of a brotherhood and sisterhood

11:00 Attempts to fill the relationship void with outside sources

15:59 Unworthiness wounds and how they prevent us from accepting love

17:30 Your man will never understand what it's like to be a woman and you will never understand what it's like to be a man

20:30 How a lack of sisterhood can lead to nitpicking

24:30 The Anxious Love Coach Patreon

In this episode, I share a simple question that will help you ground yourself in reality, and actually move forward with life, if you're stuck on the fence over your relationship.

Links:

Ask me a question:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Next Patreon group coaching call - September 20th @ 9am:

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

2:48 Wanting to control or change my partner in order to continue in the relationship

3:58 Disclaimers about abusive relationships

7:56 Dealing with resentment in your relationship by "being on the fence"

9:45 Reasons we feel like we need to be in control of our partners

10:25 What to do when you're on the fence

13:05 A question you can ask yourself if you're on the fence

In this episode, I talk about the curvature of expectations held in marriage/partnership over the centuries, and how in this day and age, it is beneficial, in some ways, to lower your expectations. I also address the "alpha male" and "high value man" conversation, and why we ought to be cautious and discerning about it. If you wish your partner was more spiritual or brought home more money, this episode will bring you some perspective, and how lowering your expectations will paradoxically open you up to receive MORE than you ever dreamed of in your partnership.

Links:

Also, it's my birthday! Take 31% off all my courses with the code BIRTHDAY31 until August 31:

Conscious Communication Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/consciouscommunication

Both Feet In Relationship Anxiety Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Quit Comparing Your Relationship Challenge:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

Ask me a question:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Join my Patreon here for more content and live monthly calls:

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

3:00 Being happy with a loving, nonabusive, stable partner

5:25 Having both masculine and feminine sides to yourself

7:23 Ways I would "test" my partner in the past

16:00 Wanting your partner to "be more masculine"

18:12 The dangers of seeing your relationship as a competition

25:25 My thoughts on the new Barbie film

32:00 Social messages telling us to be extraordinary

33:23 Holding a desire for the life that you want vs. having expectations of your partner

36:50 The feminine will always want more

39:45 Don't compare your nuanced relationship to a polarizing fantasy

What makes a partner "good enough" to settle down with?

It's common knowledge (especially if you listen to my podcast often) that "perfect" isn't a realistic standard to search for when choosing a long-term partner. While your choice of partner is one of the most important choices you'll ever make, it doesn't mean you're settling if you chose "good enough." The question is, where is the line between "good enough" and "settling?" In this episode, I didn't necessarily draw that line for you, but gave you some different things to think about. I am hopeful that it will bring you some clarity and material for discussing with your partner when deciding whether or not to move forward.

[I recorded this on a hot delirium of a day with no AC. I went on a tangent a couple of times. Forgive me!... or maybe you'll love them. Lol.]

Links:

Also, it's my birthday! Take 31% off all my courses with the code BIRTHDAY31 until August 31:

Conscious Communication Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/consciouscommunication

Both Feet In Relationship Anxiety Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Quit Comparing Your Relationship Challenge:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

Ask me a question:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Join my Patreon here for more content and live monthly calls:

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

1:45 Good enough versus perfect

4:00 Wanting contradictory things out of our partner

9:00 Having a "boring"/socially awkward partner

12:03 Going through different seasons of your life with your partner

16:12 Dating in your 20s vs your 30s+

19:34 Looks are important but the men who want to build a life with you will look for substance

21:00 Not knowing what you want in your 20s

24:18 Questions to ask yourself if you're trying to figure out if your partner is "good enough" to settle down with

32:45 Women often mature more quickly than men

37:19 Dealing with incompatibilities

43:40 Being lead in your relationship in a nonabusive context

In this episode, I share how polarizing, black-and-white content on social media is pinning people against each other. I will also admit that I fell prey to this and started a fight with my husband before recording this episode. I also share what I learned from it and how I plan to do better.

Links:

Also, it's my birthday! Take 31% off all my courses with the code BIRTHDAY31:

Conscious Communication Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/consciouscommunication

Both Feet In Relationship Anxiety Course:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

Quit Comparing Your Relationship Challenge:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/quit-comparing-your-relationship-in-7-days

Ask me a question:

https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

Evoke his Devotion 1 on 1 program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/evoke-his-devotion-1-on-1-program

Overhaul, my 1 on 1 relationship anxiety program:

https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/overhaul-1-on-1-program

Join my Patreon here for more content and live monthly calls:

https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

6:50 The fights that my husband and I have had

10:25 Some of the messages I've received about men from social media

15:59 The fight that we had today

22:45 How your pain can activate your partner's pain

24:00 The importance of taking space when needed during arguments

31:50 The overwhelming fear of getting the short end of the stick in relationships

34:00 Nuanced content does not get attention on social media

36:55 Keeping the assumption that your partner loves you more than anything

41:00 Learning how to better have arguments

It's my pleasure to bring on Alex Bishop, a registered counsellor and IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist, onto the podcast today. Alex has struggled with Relationship OCD/Relationship Anxiety, and disorganized attachment, and can speak deeply on the experience of pushing a partner away.

In this episode, we discuss his story with overcoming ROCD, how parts work relates to relationship anxiety, the IFS model for overcoming doubts, fears, and "the ick" associated with ROCD, and some of the limitations of ERP therapy for overcoming ROCD specifically.

If you have been feeling stuck, this episode will be SO validating for you, and can help you get on the path to free yourself from the overwhelming shame and anxiety!

Find Alex over at @forloveweheal on Instagram.

Links:

• PATREON CALL w/ live Q+A: August 3rd at 10AM PST https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

Time Stamps:

3:00 - Alex's experience with ROCD

16:42 - The importance of knowing your patterns when you have relationship anxiety

19:00 - How Alex used parts work/CBT

23:00 - How psychedelics can help with relationship anxiety

26:12 - Creating aliveness for yourself in your relationship

31:00 -Therapeutic routes to help with ROCD

42:50 - The causes of attraction obsessions

56:10 - Having different experiences that we label the same thing

57:50 - The limitation of ERP: Exposure and Response Prevention

I often add the disclaimer to relationship anxiety content to disregard my insight if you're in a toxic or abusive relationship. But that begs the question for many: how does one know that the relationship they are in is toxic or abusive? In this episode, I'm going to lay out my nuanced thoughts on this, knowing full well there are limitations even to this line of thinking. We discuss power dynamics, manipulation, unconsciousness, malicious intent, and more. I am also hopeful that you will get more clarity on your situation, because in either case, if you are wondering this question, it is likely there is some unconsciousness that needs addressing.

Links:

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Watch Your Language Masterclass: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/watch-your-language-masterclass

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach CODE: summer23 for 10% off

• Conscious Communication Course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/consciouscommunication

Time Stamps:

9:30 My definition of abuse in a relationship

15:35 My definition of codependency in a relationship

18:01 Not trusting your partner to their own devices

20:32 Manipulating your partner in order to change them

27:50 Things in a relationship that are uncomfortable but not abusive

33:01 Is my partner gaslighting me?

34:35 What happens when you start to get happy in your relationship?

40:05 The power of saying more with less

If you've been preoccupied with thoughts about your ex, or are comparing your relationship to your ex, or are even grieving the un-pursued romance of a crush outside your partnership, you're normal– and this episode is for you. In this episode, I share what these thoughts are really about (hint: it's not the ex), and share how to use the crush-mirror to bring ourselves back onto our own papers into wholeness. I also share a vulnerable story of how I have done this for myself.

Links:

• Join me for my monthly Q&A on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AnxiousLoveCoach

• Both Feet In – my self-study course: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-self-study-course

• Pick my brain by submitting a Wisio: https://www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach

• Be in my world 1:1 for 3 months in my Overhaul program: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/1-on-1-coaching-with-natalie

Time Stamps:

5:45 Seeking out chaos when we are with a stable, level-headed partner

10:00 A story about a crush I've thought about for over 10 years

19:50 Finding parts from your crush/ex that are missing in yourself

23:00 The ego would love to see someone who is unavailable become available

25:45 The dangers of putting the responsibility for your aliveness on another person

29:25 How a spiritual practice can help with anxiety