The Autism Mom Coach

Your autistic child comes home from school yelling, disappears into their bedroom, or follows you around asking the same question repeatedly. Each situation requires a different response, but your automatic reactions may be making those difficult after-school hours even harder.

In this episode, Lisa Candera, The Autism Mom Coach, explains how to respond to three common after-school patterns: the Collider, the Cocooner, and the Clinger. Drawing on her personal parenting experience and coaching work, Lisa introduces opposite action, a skill she learned during her son's OCD therapy, to help autism moms interrupt their automatic reactions and decide what needs immediate attention and what can wait.

• How to respond when your autistic child comes home angry, argumentative, withdrawn, or demanding constant attention.
• Why providing more attention, asking more questions, or offering repeated reassurance can sometimes make after-school dysregulation worse.
• How to recognize your own reactions and use opposite action to determine when to engage, when to establish boundaries, and what can wait.

Learn how to stop turning one difficult afternoon into a series of unnecessary battles by identifying what actually needs your attention and responding deliberately rather than reacting automatically.

Join Lisa for MAP Live on October 8 at 7 PM Eastern, a live 90-minute workshop where you'll create a personalized plan for managing your triggers and responding to your child's meltdowns before, during, and after they happen.

Register for MAP Live Here.

After-school meltdowns don't always look like meltdowns. Some autistic children come home yelling, arguing, or provoking their siblings. Others head straight to their bedrooms and refuse to talk. And some follow Mom from room to room, asking repeated questions or needing constant reassurance.

In this episode, Lisa Candera, The Autism Mom Coach, introduces three after-school patterns: the Collider, the Cocooner, and the Clinger. She explains how these patterns can change as autistic children grow into teenagers and young adults, and why understanding your child's pattern can help you recognize your own reactions before the afternoon goes off the rails.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How to recognize the three after-school patterns and what they may tell you about your child's dysregulation.
• Why after-school dysregulation can look like defiance, withdrawal, or excessive reassurance-seeking, particularly as autistic children enter adolescence.
• How to identify your own predictable responses to your child's behavior, whether that means correcting, pursuing, or repeatedly reassuring them.

Before you decide how to handle the yelling, the slammed bedroom door, or the tenth question about Saturday, pay attention to what happens when your child gets home and what you do next. In the next episode, we'll tackle the practical question: What needs to happen now, and what can wait.

Want a plan for your child's meltdowns? Join Lisa for MAP Live on October 8 @ 7PM EST.

In this 90-minute workshop, we'll identify YOUR triggers, understand your reactions, and build a personalized plan for what to do before, during, and after your child's meltdowns.

You will walk away knowing what to do, and what not to do during a meltdown and a clear strategy for staying in control while your child is spinning out.

Early bird: $10 until September 25 | regular pricing: $20.

Register for MAP Live Here.

You get the call, the email, or the communication log, and now you are holding information about your autistic child's school day that they do not know you have. The question is whether to bring it up at home, and if you do, when and how. In this episode, Lisa Candera, The Autism Mom Coach, walks through the three-part decision tree she uses to make that call, with examples from her own experience with her son and from clients parenting kids in elementary school through high school.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How to decide whether the information you received is actually a problem, or just information about an ordinary school day.
• Why your own regulation comes before your child's in deciding when to have the conversation.
• What changes when you stop trying to let your child know that you know and start trying to understand the behavior.

The goal is not to get in front of every incident. It is to decide, on purpose, which ones are worth bringing home.

LIVE Workshop: Discover How To Build A Meltdown Action Plan for Your Child With Autism Using My Before, During, and After Method In 90 Minutes.

Thursday, October 8, 2026 · 7:00–8:30 PM ET · Live on Zoom

Price: $10 through October 1, then $20

Bring your child's specific triggers. Leave with a plan centered on your own regulation that you can actually use the next time it happens.

Register Here.

Ben turns 19 days after this episode airs, which means Lisa has now spent a full year parenting an autistic adult. She spent sixteen years preparing for his 18th birthday (the will, the special needs trust, the conservatorship petition, the placement research) and none of it prepared her for what the milestone actually felt like. In this episode she shares what that first year taught her.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why you can prepare mentally and tactically for your child turning 18, but not emotionally, and what that gap feels like when it finally lands.
• Why your role as the parent becomes more important after 18, not less, when your child moves to a new placement with an entirely new team and no IEP table to keep everyone informed.
• Why passing the baton is so difficult when you have been your child's point person for regulation.

A year in, Lisa still does not know exactly where the line is between stepping back and stepping in. This episode is what she has learned so far, not a set of answers.

Feeling like a failure as an autism mom can become the default when you are constantly measuring yourself against impossible standards. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa breaks down how those expectations get created, why they keep you feeling like you are always coming up short, and how to replace them with standards that actually make sense for the life you are living.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How to catch the unrealistic “should” expectations that make every hard day feel like evidence you are doing something wrong.
• How to set expectations around what you can actually control instead of your child’s behavior, progress, emotions, or outcomes.
• How to make your expectations specific and achievable so you have something useful to work toward instead of another impossible standard to miss.

Autism parenting gives you plenty of opportunities to judge yourself. This episode gives you a better way to measure your effort, your progress, and the way you want to show up for your child.

If you have ever stood in the doorway wondering whether your child is spending too much time gaming, this conversation is for you.

This week I am joined by Andrew Fishman, a licensed clinical social worker who has spent more than a decade working with autistic kids and teens and is the author of Parenting a Gamer. We talk about why autistic kids and teens with autism are drawn to video games at nearly twice the rate of their peers, what those games actually provide that the real world often does not, and how to tell the difference between a healthy hobby and a genuine problem. Andrew also shares practical strategies for making the hardest part of gaming, the moment it is time to turn it off, go more smoothly for both of you.

• Why autistic kids play video games at almost twice the rate of allistic kids, and why that is not automatically a bad thing;
• What video games offer that the real world often does not: predictability, fairness, and a social space free of eye contact and unspoken rules;
• Why the transition from a preferred activity to a non-preferred one triggers so many autism meltdowns, and a simple planning shift (like the "no new game after 8:30" rule) that reduces the conflict;
• The two signs Andrew looks for when assessing whether a child's gaming has become a genuine problem, as opposed to a hobby that looks intense from the outside; and
• How to build respect for your child's gaming world, even if you do not understand it yourself, and how to use what hooks them there as a bridge into new interests like art, music, or coding.

• Parenting a Gamer: Help Your Child Build Healthy Habits, Make Positive Choices, and Find Balance in Virtual Worlds.
• Schedule a consultation with Lisa

Back-to-school season can bring up a relentless stream of what-if questions for autism moms. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa Candera takes five of the most common back-to-school fears and shows autism moms how to turn them into concrete plans instead of repeatedly running them through their heads.

In this episoYou are listening to episode 212 of The Autism Mom Coach, the final episode in the back-to-school series. Last week I gave you a protocol for answering your what-if questions ahead of time. Today I am running it through the five questions I hear from autism moms more than any others.

Hello everyone, and welcome back. I am so glad you are here.

In this week's episode, we are going to apply the five-step protocol I use for answering what-if questions to the most common what-if questions I hear from autism moms leading up to a new school year.

If you missed last week's episode, I highly recommend you go back and listen, because that is where I lay out the protocol in detail and how it works. Either way, here is a quick recap.

Step one is to clearly define the problem.

Step two is to rate how likely it is and how big a problem it would really be.

Step three is to determine your options, and to brainstorm at least five.

Step four is to decide what you will do right now.

Step five is to create a what-if action plan you can follow if the what-if actually happens.

Now we are going to take those five steps and apply them to the five most common questions I hear from autism moms leading up to the school year.

This one comes from a client whose daughter was heading into third grade. There were two possible teachers. My client was hoping her daughter would land with the young, bubbly, brand-new teacher she pictured being a patient, gentle fit. Instead, her daughter was assigned the other one — the senior teacher, a lot of experience, a strong reputation, but more reserved and less obviously warm. And my client spiraled.

So let's define it. What does "doesn't understand them" actually mean? When she drilled down, it was this. The teacher won't have real experience with autism. She'll misread my daughter's behaviors as rude. She'll mistake avoidance for disrespect. And she'll end up ignoring or punishing my daughter for things my daughter cannot help.

Now rate it. How likely is it? Honestly, we just don't know. But generally speaking, I think the answer is likely. It is likely that our kids will encounter teachers and support team members who don't just get them. Let's face it, at times we barely get our own kids. It's a moving target.

Then rate how big a problem it would be if this teacher and your child really are oil and water, because that does happen. So ask it plainly. Will this one relationship make or break the entire school year? How much of the day does my child actually spend one-on-one with this person? And would my child benefit, even a little, from learning to work with a style that is not the one I would have chosen for her? Sometimes the answer to that last one is yes, and it changes how tightly you hold the fear.

Next, decide your options — all of them, no matter how likely you are to actually use them. You could request a swap. You could reach out to the teacher before school starts. You could set up a meet-and-greet. You could give the teacher a one-page overview of your child, covering what works, what doesn't, and what to expect. You could take your concerns to the case manager. You could ask other parents who have had this teacher for the specific, on-the-ground picture. You could wait and see. Or you could request an emergency IEP meeting.

Then decide what to do right now. For this situation, my client decided to be proactive about building a relationship with the new teacher. She reached out before school started, arranged a meet-and-greet, and prepared a one-page overview of her daughter. She also reached out to the case manager — not to complain, but just to put it on her radar.

And then the if-then. If she gets calls or emails from the teacher about her daughter's behavior, or if her daughter reports difficulty with the teacher, then she will request a meeting, gather more information, propose strategies, and bring it up at the IEP, or request an IEP meeting if she needs one.

One of my clients got a call last year because her fourth grader cleared the classroom after learning, mid-morning, that the day's schedule had changed. She is now terrified it is going to happen again this year.

So let's define it. The specific fear is that the school will call home to report a behavior — disrupting the classroom, hitting, yelling, eloping, shutting down, or refusing to work.

Now rate it. How likely is it? For her child, given last year, a call at some point this year is possible. But I would not put it in the very likely bucket. The classroom-clearing was tied to a specific trigger, her participation in the G&E program, and she is not in that program this year.

Then, how big a problem is a call about your child having a behavioral disruption? For this client, we actually talked about how the disruption the previous year was helpful, in a way. It was the first time her child visibly struggled in the school setting. And unfortunately, a lot of the time, if they don't see it, they don't do anything about it. If they don't see it, they don't believe the child is struggling, which we know is not the case for our kids with autism, especially the ones who are really good at masking. So sure, getting interrupted in the middle of the work day to unravel a meltdown is not pleasant. But on a scale from one to ten, it's about a five.

Next, your options. You could educate the teacher about your child's behaviors and the responses that actually work. You could set up a protocol for phone calls, so home only gets called in a genuine emergency. You could ask questions when they call — what happened, what has already been done, and how your child is doing right now. You could pick your child up. You could designate another family member to handle pickup. You could talk to your supervisor or colleagues at work about the possibility. And you could look into FMLA.

What can you do right now? The meet-and-greet, the one-page overview, and a protocol for calls home.

And the if-then. When the school calls, you listen, you ask your questions, and you find out where your child is at in that moment. You do not volunteer to pick up if your child has already regulated. And you schedule a follow-up conversation with the teacher and the team.

Here is the scenario. Your child's IEP requires that test and quiz questions be read out loud to her by a teacher or an aide. And it is simply not happening.

So let's define it as specifically as possible. The teacher is not reading the quiz and test questions out loud.

Now rate it. How likely is it? Likely. And how big a problem is it? Big. It is a written accommodation your child is entitled to, and she is not getting it.

Next, your options, roughly in order of escalation. You could send a reminder to the teacher and the case manager. You could provide them with a copy of the IEP. You could request an emergency IEP meeting. You could bring in an advocate. And if it comes to it, you could bring in a special-education attorney. You want to know the whole ladder exists, even if you never climb past the first rung.

What you do right now is the first rung. You email the team, you remind them of the requirement in plain terms, and you attach the IEP so there is no ambiguity about what was agreed to.

And your if-then, for if the accommodation still is not being provided after that. Then I document every failure — the dates, the tests, and what happened. I report it to the team in writing. I request an emergency IEP meeting. And before that meeting, I send a parent concern letter that memorializes my concerns and my specific requests, so that everything is on the record before we are ever in the room.

I want to say one thing here, because it is the through-line of that whole plan. Every step is written down. Documentation is not you being difficult. It is you being clear. And it is the thing that turns "they keep not doing it" into something the team has to answer for.

So let's define it. Your child protests, complains, and drags out getting into the car or onto the bus in the morning.

Now rate it. How likely is it? Likely. And how big a problem is it? On a scale of one to ten, for this family, it was about a six.

Next, your options. You could simply expect it, so it doesn't blindside you. You could ride it out. You could preview the morning with the school so they know what you're walking in with. You could build a predictable morning routine. You could build room for a delay into that routine. You could set up an incentive or reward plan. And you could look into therapy if the resistance runs deeper than a rough morning.

What do you do right now? You build the plan and the routine, and you build extra time into it so a slow start doesn't turn into a crisis.

And the if-then. When the resistance shows up, you stay calm, you offer reassurance, and you talk to the school.

So let's define it. The fear is that your child masks all day at school, holds it together for seven hours, and then flips out the moment they get home. That your afternoons and evenings get consumed by it. That you are absorbing the fallout every single day. And that when you bring it to the school, they are clueless, assume it is somehow your fault, and offer no support.

Now rate it. How likely is it? Likely. And how big a problem is it? Here is the reframe. As disruptive as it is, it is expected, and it is information you can actually use. The after-school explosion is telling you your child is working overtime to hold it together all day.

Next, your options. You could preview it to the school. You could educate the team about masking and what it costs. You could give your child a safe space to decompress after school. You could move to low or no demands in that window. You could remind yourself not to take it personally. And you could ride it out.

What do you do right now? You preview it, you educate the school, and you come up with a plan for handling the after-school hours.

And the if-then. When it happens, you stay calm, you remind yourself it is not personal, you give your child space, and you drop the demands and expectations for a bit.

So those are five of the biggest what-if questions I hear heading into a new school year, all run through the same five-step protocol.

The point of doing this ahead of time is not to predict how the school year is going to go, because you can't. Your child may get a teacher who is a terrible fit. The school may call about a behavior. Someone may drop the ball on the IEP. Your child may refuse to get on the bus. They may hold it together for seven hours at school and then unload the entire day on you at 3:30. Those are all real possibilities.

But there is a big difference between knowing something could happen and spending the next three weeks mentally rehearsing it without ever deciding what you would actually do. That is what this protocol is designed to change.

Take the thing that is keeping you up at night and get specific about what you are actually afraid will happen. Decide how much attention it deserves. Figure out your options. Handle whatever can be handled now. Then decide what you will do if it actually happens.

You may still get a phone call you weren't expecting. You may still have a morning that goes completely sideways. You may still end up sitting in an IEP meeting you wish you never needed. But you will not be figuring out your entire response in the middle of it. You will be entering the school year having already made some of the decisions that are hardest to make when you are scared, pissed off, interrupted at work, or dealing with a kid who is falling apart.

So as you head into this school year, that is the work I want you to do. Pick the what-if that has been taking up the most space in your head and run it through the five steps, and then put the plan somewhere you can find it.

Because if September gets interesting, you already know what comes next.

Back-to-school season floods an autism parent's mind with "what if" questions that hijack sleep. What if he refuses to go to school, what if he gets aggressive, what if I have to call 911, what if he gets kicked out of the new placement too. I have lived that spin, and here is what it taught me: a "what if" is not a question you are trying to answer. It is anticipatory anxiety on a loop, and your body cannot tell the difference between the catastrophe you imagine and one that is real, so you pay the stress cost over and over before anything happens.

This episode is the countermove. It is the five-step protocol I built to turn a vague catastrophic "what if" into a specific problem you can plan for, so you make your decisions ahead of time from a grounded state instead of in the panic of the moment.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why "what if" questions and back-to-school anxiety keep autism parents stuck in a fight-or-flight loop instead of moving toward a solution.
• Why making decisions ahead of time, from a calm state, leaves you better equipped for school refusal, morning meltdowns, calls from the school, IEP disagreements, and the after-school collapse.
• Why the five-step protocol, define the concern, rate it, list your options, decide what you can do now, and write an if-then plan, turns catastrophizing into a plan you can use.

Email Lisa your If, then statements: [email protected]

As the new school year approaches, most autism parents focus on the tactical preparation: reviewing the IEP, adjusting sleep schedules, and buying school supplies. Those steps matter, but they are only half of what you need. In this first episode of the Back to School series, Lisa talks about the other half (preparing yourself) and the mindset that shapes how much energy you carry into every IEP meeting, every phone call from school, and every decision you make this year.

• Why tactical preparation is only half of what you need before the school year begins, and why the mindset you bring to it matters just as much.
• How bracing yourself for everything that could go wrong keeps your nervous system stuck in fear and drains the energy you will need once the year is actually underway.
• The three mindset shifts (moving from bracing to acceptance, moving from fear to focus, and then practicing both again and again) that help you move through the school year with more resilience.

If you are counting down the days until school starts, feeling short-tempered and exhausted, and then feeling guilty on top of it, you are experiencing end of summer burnout, and you are not alone. In this episode, Lisa Candera explains where autism mom burnout actually comes from and why the constant role of being your household's cruise director and emotional regulator drains your tank. She offers practical, low-effort ways to refill that tank and close out the summer without the pressure to make it perfect.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• You will learn why burnout comes from the energy required to run your household nonstop, not simply from the number of things you are juggling as an autism mom.
• You will learn how taking space, letting other people manage their own relationships and feelings, and refusing to layer guilt on top of your rest can make that rest genuinely restorative.
• You will learn why dropping the pressure for the end of summer to look a certain way, and choosing simple, easy wins instead, will leave you with more energy heading into the school year.

Resources mentioned:

• Sun, Moon, and Stars Autism Awareness Night at Quassy Amusement and Waterpark in Middlebury, Connecticut, on September 4, 2026 from 5:30 PM to 9:30 PM. This is a sensory-friendly event open to autism families, special needs families, and their allies. Registration is required through Sun, Moon, and Stars, as the event is not open to the general public.