The Gently Used Human with Dr. Scott Lyons

Have you ever felt the pressure to prove that your trauma is more severe than others? Or found yourself in situations where experiences of pain and suffering are compared and contrasted in a competitive way?

Welcome to the Trauma Olympics.

Joining Dr. Scott to unpack this intricate subject are Kai Cheng Thom, MSW, MSc, a certified Somatic Sex Educator and acclaimed author, and Nkem Ndefo, MSN, the founder of Lumos Transforms and creator of The Resilience Toolkit. Together, they explore the different forms of Trauma Olympics, including the troubling trends of one-upping and minimizing others' experiences, and the underlying causes such as capitalism, scarcity mentality, and the quest for validation.

They’ll discuss the negative effects of this phenomenon, such as how it splinters social movements and fosters a culture of constant competition over trauma and they’ll delve into the complex politics of trauma disclosure, examining the pressure to share personal experiences for validation and the crucial right to low disclosure.

This conversation is not just an exploration but also a critical examination of our societal and individual approaches to trauma. Whether you've experienced this phenomenon personally or are seeking to understand it better, this episode offers insights, personal stories, and thoughtful analysis on navigating the challenging landscape of the Trauma Olympics.

Get ready for a profound discussion that sheds light on the complexities and dangers of comparing traumas and the importance of respecting individual boundaries and experiences in the journey of healing and resilience.

Topics we break down

• Deep-seated reasons that people choose to engage in Trauma Olympics and comparative victimhood.
• Ways in which capitalism and the scarcity mentality support the zero-sum game of comparison.
• What it might look like to extract trauma from self-identity and how this relates to healing.
• How competitive trauma is incentivized and the dehumanizing effect of hierarchy.
• The difference between trauma acting as a social glue and trauma becoming a social disruptor.
• Cultivating the capacity to relate to people beyond the sensationalist quality of their story.
• Retiring ourselves from the sport of Trauma Olympics by meeting the underlying need.
• How power dynamics influence competitive trauma and create a barrier to reconciliation.
• What might change if we could communicate in a context where everyone wasn’t stretched so thin.

How do we navigate the fragile threads that bind us to one another and to our past? How do patterns of attachment emerge from the shadows of our upbringing, influencing not just our romantic relationships but also our friendships, our career paths, and our very sense of self?

In this episode, Dr. Scott Lyons welcomes Dr. Judy Ho, a distinguished Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, tenured professor, and author of 'The New Rules of Attachment'. Dr. Judy, with her profound understanding of neuropsychology, sheds light on how insecure attachments carve anxious, avoidant, and disorganized trails through our lives. Together, they explore the transformative power of self-awareness, self-regulation, and the sacred act of reparenting. This conversation goes beyond discussing the bonds we form with others; it's an exploration of how to reforge the bonds within ourselves, to heal the attachment wounds that hold us back, and to step into a future of secure attachment and limitless growth.

Are you ready to uncover the mysteries of attachment and discover how to navigate the path towards secure connections? Listen in for a profound dive into the heart of human connection and growth.

• The intricate weave of forensic neuropsychology and attachment theory.
• Navigating the emergence of insecure attachment patterns from childhood.
• Understanding the impact of anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles on adult relationships and self-identity.
• The transformative power of self-awareness in recognizing and addressing attachment wounds.
• Practical approaches to self-regulation and reparenting for healing attachment issues.
• Expanding the concept of attachment beyond romantic relationships to include friendships and career dynamics.
• The role of emotional bonds in developing a secure sense of self and fostering personal growth.
• Techniques for cultivating secure attachments and enhancing emotional connections.

Have you ever stopped to think about what really makes a relationship work?  What is the secret sauce of relationship success? How much of it is the way we talk and listen to each other?  How much of it is chemistry?   What makes or breaks our relationships? 

In this insightful episode, Dr. Scott is joined by Jillian Turecki, a certified relationship coach, teacher, and writer, known for her compassionate and direct approach to transforming relationships. Under the mentorship of Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes, Jillian has dedicated 20 years to teaching others how to revolutionize their relationships, starting with the one they have with themselves.

Together, they explore the crucial elements of respect, trust, and safety in relationships, and the evolving nature of our preferences and priorities as we grow. Jillian shares her wisdom on the art of effective communication, the importance of setting boundaries, and the skill of active listening. They also dive into the often-overlooked potential of breakups as catalysts for personal growth and even touch on the nuances of meeting a partner's parents for the first time.

Listen in to uncover the work and growth necessary for healthy relationships and the vital role of feeling seen and understood by our partners. Whether you're navigating the complexities of a current relationship, healing from a breakup, or simply seeking to deepen your understanding of relational dynamics, this conversation is a treasure trove of insights.

• Trust, safety, and respect as the foundations of a healthy relationship.
• How our relationship priorities shift as we evolve and grow.
• Why boundaries are an essential part of any relationship.
• The consistent awareness and communication that relationships require.
• Discerning between tension, texture, turbulence, and trouble in your relationship.
• Growing together versus growing apart.
• Why you should never fall in love with potential.
• Tenets of thriving relationships: tips for communicating better.
• How even a catastrophic breakup can be an opportunity for transformation.
• Listener Q&A: advice for redefining the spark, meeting the parents, and more!
• What might really be going on when it feels like you can’t get over your ex.

Have you ever felt the transformative power of music not just as a soundtrack to your life, but as a key to unlock deep, personal healing and growth? Can a song, a melody, or a rhythm truly spark a revolution within us, challenging us to confront and transcend the boundaries of racism, mindfulness, and our own potential for change?

Today, Dr. Scott welcomes Grammy-nominated artist, best-selling author, and visionary speaker, Justin Michael Williams for a fascinating conversation about how we, as a community, can harness the emotional impact of music and mindfulness to not just envision, but actively create a world brimming with possibility and devoid of division.

Together, they explore the intricate dance between individual change and collective evolution, shedding light on the role of community and the unifying power of music in the journey towards transformation. Justin challenges us to question the permanence of racism and introduces the concept of "othering" alongside the eight pillars of possibility, offering a fresh perspective on diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts that have fallen short.

Listen in as we tune into the music of transformation, community, and the endless possibilities that await when we dare to listen deeply and act boldly.

Topics We Break Down

• Harnessing Music as a Catalyst for Healing and Growth.
• The Crucial Role of Community in Personal and Societal Transformation.
• Personal Journeys of Transformation Through Melody and Rhythm.
• The Deep Emotional Resonance of Music and Its Healing Power.
• Amplifying Change Through Collective Musical Experiences.
• Envisioning and Working Towards a World Free of Racism.
• Reimagining Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Efforts for Genuine Change.
• Advancing Change by Calling People Forward, Not Out.
• Unpacking the Practice and Benefits of Mindfulness in Transformation.
• Integrating Mindfulness into Everyday Life for Balance and Fulfillment.

There’s a lot of talk about self-love these days but what does it mean to truly love and accept yourself - especially in relationships with others? Could it be that it is the act of embracing our most vulnerable selves that provides a portal to deeper intimacy with others? 

Today, Dr. Scott is joined by the inspiring Dr. Laura Berman, a renowned expert in the fields of relationships, self-worth, and emotional resilience. Dr. Berman shares her personal and professional insights into the transformative power of self-love and the pivotal role it plays in shaping our connections with others. Together, they explore the delicate interplay between pain and pleasure, and the unique concept of quantum sex, where energy and emotion intertwine.

Listen in to uncover the profound impact of self-love not only in our personal lives but in the way we relate to the world around us.

Topics We Break Down

• How to love (and be loved) better by learning to love yourself first.
• Gifts and shadows: why we’re attracted to people who trigger us.
• Fundamental differences between self-esteem and self-worth.
• What it means to give energy through us, not from us.
• Why we have to be fully in our bodies to release pain and experience true joy.
• Grief as a “powerful, impossibly beautiful portal of transformation.”
• Defining quantum sex and our relentless pursuit of intensity.
• Why intertwining energy and emotions is so hot!

We would likely all agree that what we eat can transform our health but do we believe that it could also help us to heal our deepest wounds? 

Dr. Scott’s guest on the podcast today is Elissa Goodman, a true warrior in the world of holistic health and nutrition. Diagnosed with cancer at 32, and having endured the loss of her husband to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, Elissa's journey is not just one of survival, but of profound transformation.

Together, they’ll explore Elissa's passionate advocacy for cleansing diets and the power of plant-based nutrition. Elissa’s belief in the mind's capacity to foster healing underscores the conversation, emphasizing the critical role of trauma and emotional well-being in overall health. Elissa's insights on the importance of listening to our body's instincts and finding personalized pathways to wellness promise to be both enlightening and empowering.

Join us as we unravel Elissa's insights into the healing journey, from facing life's toughest battles to discovering the power of self-love and the role of nutrition in holistic healing. 

• Navigating the superfood crazes and trends.
• Honoring who you are and practicing self-love.
• Talk therapy versus plant-based nutrition.
• The connection between touch and our immune systems.
• Accessibility hurdles of superfoods.
• Demystifying the concept of cleansing. 
• Discovering the synergy between well-being and food.
• Leveraging mindset as a part of the healing process.

Ever wondered how passion and purpose intertwine to shape our lives? Or considered the role of adaptability and vision in navigating our paths? 

In this episode, Dr. Scott explores these questions with John Miles, author of Passion Struck: Twelve Powerful Principles to Unlock Your Purpose and Ignite Your Most Intentional Life. John brings unique insights from his experiences in the Navy and Fortune 50 companies, highlighting the power of long-term vision and the importance of being adaptable. Together, they’ll explore the power of mattering, the impact of loneliness, and the influence of relationships and environments on our sense of self.

Tune in as they connect the dots between passion, purpose, and play to discover how we can all be a little more “passion struck”. 

• How different experiences and exposure enrich our perspective. 
• What play can teach us about ourselves and others in our adult life. 
• How tapping into different sides of your true self supports honing your craft.
• The power of passion combined with perseverance. 
• Allowing your uniqueness to make its impact on the world. 
• Discerning between misalignment and a lack of resilience. 
• The true equation behind the path to happiness. 
• What it might look like to embody other people with the sense that they matter. 
• Finding self-compassion along the journey.

In a world that's rapidly evolving, one aspect remains timeless: the human craving for meaningful connections. But what happens when the hustle of modern life, the echoes of a pandemic, and the complexities of adulthood intertwine, transforming the landscape of friendship? 

In this episode, Dr. Scott dives into the heart of the intricate maze of adult bonding with two extraordinary guides; Vanessa Bennett and Dené Logan. Vanessa is a licensed holistic psychologist and bestselling author, using her expertise and depth in Buddhist and yoga psychology to pave the path toward authentic connections. Dené Logan is a marriage and relationship therapist, yoga instructor, and author of the upcoming book, Sovereign Love, where she offers her psychologically informed perspective on reclaiming our true selves in relationships. 

Together, they’ll explore the polyamorous nature of friendships, things that make the cake of friendship so rich, and the importance of emotional intimacy. They’ll navigate the nuances of building community in post-COVID times, the art of making and nurturing friendships in new cities, and the pivotal role of shared experiences and memory keepers in solidifying bonds. We'll challenge societal norms that often overshadow friendships, highlighting the gendered nature of close relationships and the empowering concept of Relationship Anarchy.

If you’re ready to redefine friendship and explore its transformative power in your own life - it’s time to make friends with this week’s guests. 

Topics We Break Down: 

• Building a community in a pandemic of loneliness.
• Adopting a polyamorous approach to friendship. 
• Defining reciprocity and intimacy in the context of friendship. 
• Creating relationship anarchy and deconstructing the heart of what you want and need.
• Reframing trauma-bonding and drama-bonding.
• Generational ideas of resilience and emotional processing.
• Social penetration theory in action through a game of intrusive questions.

In a world where we are so often encouraged to achieve and excel, what magic unfolds when we lean into our perfectly imperfect selves? What happens when we blend laughter and play with the profound work of healing? 

Today, Dr. Scott welcomes Karine Bell, speaker, somatic educator and co-dreamer at The Rooted Global Village, clown-in-training, and somatic abolitionist to transform how we relate to trauma and oppression. With a foundation in community, liberation, indigenous, and eco-psychologies, she takes a decolonial approach to life ― meeting each moment with curiosity, wonder, and a trust in laughter for healing. Together, they explore the importance of embracing healthy shame as a tool for reflection, the impact of toxic shame and the power of embracing our quirky sides for profound personal and collective shifts.   

For a deep dive into the world of clowning, shame, and learning to laugh at ourselves, be sure to tune in for this expansive and compassionate conversation to find out if the serious can be seriously fun!

Topics We Break Down: 

• Learning to embrace the weirdness of being human.
• Accepting the irrationality inherent to the healing process.
• Cultivating spaces where we can truly show up as we are.
• Recognizing shame as a physiological human experience.
• Understanding the key differences between toxic and healthy shame.
• How modern society fails to create conditions for children and parents to thrive.
• The terror of letting go of beliefs about ourselves and expectations for our lives.
• Finding moments of levity and laughter to help us meet difficult challenges.

In a world where the pursuit of perfection often becomes a relentless race, have you ever paused to wonder what truly lies at the heart of perfectionism? Is it an internal drive towards excellence, or a mask for our own feelings of unworthiness, a manifestation of internal shame? 

In today’s episode, Dr. Scott welcomes Dr. Thomas Curran, a world-leading expert on perfectionism, author of The Perfectionism Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough, and associate professor of Psychological and Behavioural Science at the London School of Economics. Dr. Thomas has spent many years studying the cloak of perfectionism and how it negatively impacts our lives. In this episode, he breaks it all down for us, including how to understand the relationship of perfectionism to mental health, the social component of perfectionism, and the paradoxical way it blocks our path to genuine success and joy.

So, whether you've been caught in the snare of self-loathing for not meeting those sky-high goals or you’re simply seeking permission to embrace your beautifully imperfect self, this conversation is for you.

Topics We Break Down:

• Why perfectionism is and what it isn’t.
• The cost of perfectionism and why it isn’t worth it. 
• Why the perfectionist is also the procrastinator. 
• How to find joy in things you don’t do well.
• Vulnerability and how it brings us closer.