This is part 2 in a series of episodes on how to engage our sorrow and grief in a way that brings healing. The focus today is on the four conditions needed to allow us to work with sorrow and grief. First, we need to own that our sorrows and griefs matter and should be taken seriously. Second, we need to gradually move from a posture of contempt toward our sorrow and grief to a posture of compassion and kindness and welcome. Third, we need to find a few people who can be the village for us… this will allow us to risk sharing our sorrow and grief with other people. And, fourth, we need to move our bodies in a way that allows for the integration and release of our sorrow and grief. 

Support the podcast

For most modern people, the place we find ourselves is in a land where grief and sorrow are unwelcome. Most of us do not feel like the people around us can bear the depth of our sorrow and grief. And since we don’t want to risk our sense of belonging—our sense of acceptance—we hide our sorrow and grief. But sorrow and grief are real. In today’s episode, I identify some of the types of sorrow and grief that we all carry. Then I discuss the immense cost of denying our sorrow/grief and invite you to consider what it would look like to welcome your sorrow and grief and bring it into the light.

Support the podcast

This episode is a joint release of The Allender Center podcast and The Place We Find Ourselves.

We have all experienced hurt, abandonment, or disappointment at the hands of our parents or caretakers, whether it was intentional or not. So much of our beauty and brokenness — so much of what makes us human — is tied to our family of origin. In today’s episode, Dan Allender and I discuss what it means to begin engaging the harm that we endured during our growing up years. Are we dishonoring our father and mother if we name the hurt we experienced growing up? Should we just “let it go?” If you want to learn more about how to engage your story in your family of origin, please join Dan and I for a 2 hour webinar on February 23, 2023. You can register here.

Support the podcast

I’m joined today by theologian and author Pete Enns, who also co-hosts a podcast called The Bible for Normal People. Although we talk about quantum physics at the end, the focus of our conversation is “What do you do when you experience something that calls into question your understanding of who God is and what God is doing in the world?” Pete calls these experiences curveballs, and he suggests that these experiences are good things that cause us to grow and mature in our faith. If you want to hear more about this topic, you can check out his recently published book Curveball.

Support the podcast

God created our hearts, minds, and bodies to heal. When the conditions are right, healing will occur. Therefore, it’s important to clear away the things that block the right conditions for healing. Today I discuss four of the most common obstacles to healing: minimizing your story, spiritualizing the bad things that have happened to you, self-contempt, and the frenetic pace of your life.

Support the podcast

Last year I saw an Instagram post asking people to share stories of Bible verses that had been used against them. The comments section was devastating. I read story after story of how the Bible had been used to do immense harm. The verse that was most frequently mentioned? Jeremiah 17:9, which says, “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” In today’s episode I take a close look at what Jeremiah 17:9 is really saying. I also make some comments about what the Bible teaches concerning whether or not your heart can be trusted. 

Support the podcast

Connections between brain regions lead to a healthy and stable brain (and a healthy and stable life). Trauma prevents these brain connections. This is known as fragmentation. In today’s episode, I explain how trauma leads to fragmentation in the brain and why fragmentation makes you feel unstable in your day to day life. I then suggest that when we feel unstable, we are drawn toward theologies and worldviews that offer certainty. The fragmentation in your brain resulting from trauma can make you a very dogmatic person. Why? Because, as Dan Allender says, “The more certain you become, the less fragmented you feel.”

Support the podcast

Pascale Wright joins me today to share a very vulnerable story from her childhood. The temptation is to view her story as one of neglect… but it’s not. We cover a lot of ground today, including: Pascale’s ambivalence about longing for care from her therapist and being afraid of his care at the same time, how our family of origin story plays out in the client-therapist relationship, how our family of origin story affects our relationship with God, and the mysteriousness of self-harm.

Support the podcast

Today’s episode looks more deeply at the spiritual abuse KJ Ramsey suffered at the hands of Christian leaders. We begin by talking about the relationship that many Christians have with their emotions. Drawing from her story of spiritual abuse, KJ talks about the pull to silence parts of ourselves in the name of belonging. We each have a deep desire to belong… and the fear of exclusion sometimes keeps us bound to abusive people and harmful churches. KJ explains that when we are wounded by spiritual leaders, we often lose our ability to trust ourselves. If you want to hear more of KJ's story, check out her recently published book titled The Lord Is My Courage. 

Support the podcast

I am joined by KJ Ramsey to talk through her new book, “The Lord Is My Courage.” KJ explains why it’s so important to be honest and clear about the ways we have been harmed, and how our bodies often reveal truths about our trauma that our minds are afraid to speak out loud. Gabor Mate says that “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” KJ and I both love that sentence and share our thoughts about it. 

Support the podcast