When your own adult child cuts you off, it can be deeply hurtful. And part of the reason for that pain is what it feels like their estrangement means.

Many rejected parents believe it’s their personal flaws that prompted their adult children to create distance. They think that because they’ll never be perfect, there’s nothing they can do to repair the relationship.

But estranged adult children don’t need parents to be perfect; just listen to RCP 121 on that point. In this helpful episode, Tina makes the case that parents’ weaknesses per se are not to blame for estrangement.

All parents have flaws; those are simply part of the human landscape. Tina argues that it’s interactions -- through habits, family dynamics and specific behaviors -- that should be the focus of repair efforts. Unlike personality, personal interactions are potentially under our control.

This is good news. You can’t (and don’t have to) change who you are. Specific behavioral changes are far more accessible. They could make a huge difference to you and your estranged adult child(ren).

For more on how to repair troubled relationships with adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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It’s common for parents to believe that the “punishment” of estrangement is supposed to fit the “crime” – whatever it may be – to which their adult child is holding them accountable by keeping their distance.

This idea that the length or perceived severity of estrangement correlates exclusively to an injury or injuries suffered by the adult child in childhood is, in most cases, a myth.

Trying to map your adult child’s estrangement onto their childhood may be nothing more than an exercise in frustration. Most parents remember making sacrifices and efforts on their children’s behalf. Therefore they tend to look back at the time as, at worst, a mixed bag for their child(ren).

Relationships are complicated. So is estrangement. In this myth-busting episode, Tina advises listeners to stop linking present estrangement behavior to the distant past, and embrace the current context of accumulated experience.

For more on understanding why adult children cut off their parents and what you can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship

These 4 Things Affect How Long You’ll Be Estranged

RC Podcast Episode 20: What Your Child’s Silence Really Means

RC Podcast Episode 154: Nothing Happens in a Vacuum

What are parents supposed to do when estranged adult children leave their belongings at home?

That’s a tricky question. There isn’t just one right answer that will fit for every family.

When you’re storing the belongings of someone who’s not talking to you, you’re in a difficult position – both logistically and emotionally. How do you decide what to do that won’t harm the relationship, when you have feelings and needs of your own?

This episode normalizes the storing of adult children’s stuff, but also walks listeners through some good steps to take when a decision needs to be made about moving their possessions.

For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Estrangement from family is a kind of ambiguous loss. But some of the losses that are often associated with estrangement are definitive. They can be grieved.

For parents who are unwillingly estranged from their adult children, there are at least five potential, definitive losses they might sustain during estrangement. Tina walks listeners through them in this important episode, and encourages you to begin the grieving process now.

Once estrangement ends, many find that healing still takes time. By acknowledging and grieving identifiable losses during estrangement, you can start working through the emotional fallout from this painful passage.

Links to resources mentioned in this episode are listed below.

For more on how to respond effectively to estrangement by adult children, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

RC Podcast Ep. 2 Estrangement is an Ambiguous Loss
RC Podcast Ep. 95 The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent
RC Podcast Ep. 139 Emotions of Estrangement, Part 1
RC Podcast Ep. 151 Losing Time While Estranged
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting “mistakes” they couldn’t possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive.

What’s missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context.

According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode, she gives three specific examples of context that many parents fail to fully appreciate.

You may be inspired to examine the context of your own situation as you listen, and to consider its impact on feelings and behavior. Doing so can help you find peace and stop blaming yourself.

For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves.

Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizing it.

In this actionable episode, Tina lists possible signs of self-alienation, along with specific practices to combat it.

Where there’s disconnect inside in the form of self-alienation, it’s very hard to repair disconnected relationships on the outside. Use the material in this episode to start building a foundation for a close and connected relationship with your adult child or children.

For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 97: Road Map to Reconnection
Feldenkrais
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development.

Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives.

In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more).

She points out that just because someone is intellectually gifted, that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally mature or socially aware. And vice versa: We don’t have to be intellectual giants to be emotionally aware or socially sensitive.

Lines of development, along with the related theory of multiple intelligences, encourages us to remember ourselves and others as complex human beings. We're not either mature or immature, intelligent or unintelligent. Rather, we fall along a continuum of progress in each area.

For more tips on how to think about an estrangement by your adult child(ren), and what to do to solve the problem, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

Ken Wilber Fundamentals: Developmental Lines Explained

About Integral Theory

Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences

If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that’s passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons…

One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That’s an understandable fear, but it’s not necessarily true. Worse, it often leads to parents trying to force reconnection prematurely (i.e., before they understand why it happened in the first place).

The other acute concern regarding time is the loss of opportunities to be together during holidays and other special times. That fear of losing precious time together is the subject of this episode.

Tina offers two big ideas to help parents gain a different perspective on the problem. She advises listeners to remember that things are not always as they seem; a perceived loss is not always an actual one.

Also, losing time during estrangement can be prevented by spending time consciously. Your relationship with your adult child(ren) may be on hiatus, but your actual life doesn’t need to have gaps.

For more on coping with an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.
You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.
Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.
The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.
Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can log in and discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents

On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.

You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.

Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.

The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.

Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.

Links about enmeshment: 
GoodTherapy article on enmeshment
The Enmeshed Family: What It Is and How to “Unmesh”
Signs of Parent Enmeshment Checklist by Patricia Love

Parentification interview with Steve Berman, LCSW (members only)

RC Podcast episodes mentioned:
147: When to Stop Trying to Reconnect
95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent 
125: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot (See also Part 2) 
46 You Can’t Change the Past (But It Doesn’t Matter)

Members can log in and discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child