Some parents of estranged adult children beat themselves up for parenting “mistakes” they couldn’t possibly have avoided. Others blame their children for being difficult, ungrateful or too sensitive.

What’s missing from these simplistic assignments of blame for estrangement? Context.

According to Tina, context is very often overlooked to the detriment of both parents and children. In this episode, she gives three specific examples of context that many parents fail to fully appreciate.

You may be inspired to examine the context of your own situation as you listen, and to consider its impact on feelings and behavior. Doing so can help you find peace and stop blaming yourself.

For much more on how to understand estrangement by adult children and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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Some parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children have known estrangement before. Not necessarily from other people, but within themselves.

Self-alienation is a kind of internal estrangement that has become almost normal in our culture. With so much information available and so much to do, we're not always fully present. We lose touch with ourselves over time, often without realizing it.

In this actionable episode, Tina lists possible signs of self-alienation, along with specific practices to combat it.

Where there’s disconnect inside in the form of self-alienation, it’s very hard to repair disconnected relationships on the outside. Use the material in this episode to start building a foundation for a close and connected relationship with your adult child or children.

For information on why adult children become estranged and what parents can do about it, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 97: Road Map to Reconnection
Feldenkrais
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Estrangement from family, like everything else, takes place against the psychological backdrop of human development.

Far from ending in adulthood, development continues throughout the lifespan, and offers hope for change in any given week, month or year of our lives.

In this interesting episode, Tina takes listeners on a brief tour of the concept of lines of development (see links below for more).

She points out that just because someone is intellectually gifted, that doesn’t mean they’re emotionally mature or socially aware. And vice versa: We don’t have to be intellectual giants to be emotionally aware or socially sensitive.

Lines of development, along with the related theory of multiple intelligences, encourages us to remember ourselves and others as complex human beings. We're not either mature or immature, intelligent or unintelligent. Rather, we fall along a continuum of progress in each area.

For more tips on how to think about an estrangement by your adult child(ren), and what to do to solve the problem, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

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EPISODE LINKS:

Ken Wilber Fundamentals: Developmental Lines Explained

About Integral Theory

Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences

If your adult child is not responding to texts, emails or any attempts at contact, at some point you might begin to worry about the time that’s passing during estrangement. This could happen for a couple of reasons…

One frightening thought is that the longer adult child(ren) are estranged, the harder it will be to reconnect. That’s an understandable fear, but it’s not necessarily true. Worse, it often leads to parents trying to force reconnection prematurely (i.e., before they understand why it happened in the first place).

The other acute concern regarding time is the loss of opportunities to be together during holidays and other special times. That fear of losing precious time together is the subject of this episode.

Tina offers two big ideas to help parents gain a different perspective on the problem. She advises listeners to remember that things are not always as they seem; a perceived loss is not always an actual one.

Also, losing time during estrangement can be prevented by spending time consciously. Your relationship with your adult child(ren) may be on hiatus, but your actual life doesn’t need to have gaps.

For more on coping with an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.
You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.
Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.
The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.
Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can log in and discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Personal Healing: More Than a Detour for Rejected Parents

On this special two-part episode of the podcast, Tina reads a letter she received from an estranged adult child whose estrangement story began with childhood enmeshment.

You’ll learn about enmeshment’s impacts on children, and why those impacts are sometimes invisible to even loving, conscientious parents.

Listeners may gain clarity about their own situations through understanding that estrangement is not necessarily a failure of forgiveness. Estranged adult children are not necessarily stuck in the past or holding a grudge.

The message of hope is that even though the past can’t be changed, the future of your relationship depends on what you do today in order to heal, learn and grow.

Tina wants to acknowledge and thank the person whose letter made this informative special episode possible: May you and your mother be happy, peaceful, and joyfully connected.

Links about enmeshment: 
GoodTherapy article on enmeshment
The Enmeshed Family: What It Is and How to “Unmesh”
Signs of Parent Enmeshment Checklist by Patricia Love

Parentification interview with Steve Berman, LCSW (members only)

RC Podcast episodes mentioned:
147: When to Stop Trying to Reconnect
95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent 
125: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot (See also Part 2) 
46 You Can’t Change the Past (But It Doesn’t Matter)

Members can log in and discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment. 
For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chance to resolve. Now they must at least cope with the fallout, if not resume the healing, of those earlier hurts.
In this episode, Tina outlines five differences between the process of healing and the practice of coping. And while both coping and healing are necessary and important, she urges listeners not to mistake good coping skills for the permanent gains of actual healing.
If you’re aware of deep feelings of emptiness, sadness, or anger, and you sense they were there even before your adult child’s estrangement, consider working with a local counselor or therapist. Here are a few directories where you can search for a licensed mental health professional by zip or postal code:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org/
Other resources mentioned in this episode:
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
RCP Episodes 125 and 126: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot

Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children.

While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless.

In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying?

This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whether it arises from despair or sheer exhaustion, the question deserves an answer.

In this episode, Tina offers a sensible response to parents who are wondering whether it’s time to give up.

Even if you’re in the unenviable position of being unwilling estranged, and all out of ideas, you’ll find the words in this episode to be as uplifting as they are informative.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child on Amazon

Episodes 97 through 99 are right here in your podcast player app (RC members, log in and go to our Road Map page)

Reconnection Club resource library (you must be logged in to access)

Breathe through your nose if you can.

Make your exhale longer than your inhale.

Slow down and deepen your breathing.

All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system.

Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline.

In this inspiring (pun intended) episode, Tina shares excerpts from her conversation with Nick Heath, founder of the Breath Is Life Learning Center.

Reconnection Club members will find the entire interview, along with the transcript, in our online library. Log in and go to Expert Interviews.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

NOTE: In offering a list of stress-reduction practices, Tina refers to both the third and fourth items as "Number Three." Please don't be distracted by the misnumbering; there are five separate items in the list.

Many parents of estranged adult children know the pain of a broken heart. But for some, Broken Heart Syndrome becomes a medical crisis.

Also known as Takotsubo Syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy, Broken Heart Syndrome mimics the experience of a heart attack. But rather than being caused by blocked arteries, it’s caused by a stress-induced temporary abnormality that usually resolves itself.

Still, Broken Heart Syndrome can lead to life-threatening complications. If you have chest pain or shortness of breath, or suspect you may be having heart problems, seek medical help immediately.

This episode doesn't constitute or contain medical advice.

Instead, Tina offers specific research-supported tips to help you try to reduce the risk of developing Broken Heart Syndrome and other stress-related health problems, over time.

You can’t end your adult child's estrangement at will. But you can make personal decisions every day that protect, rather than jeopardize, your health -- even during an unwanted and emotionally stressful estrangement.

For concrete ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

Takotsubo syndrome

Experiential avoidance

Constructive Wallowing

Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker