Like every good driver, even good parents have blind spots.

Sometimes the most well-meaning of efforts to parent better than they were parented can gradually promote a disconnect that affects relations between parents and adult children.

It's tragic that parents' good intentions can lead to such surprising and disappointing results, in many cases.

In this two-episode series (Part 2 will be in Episode 126), Tina explains the idea of "do-over" parenting, and how it can create unexpected trouble in the parent-child relationship.

For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Once they realize the relationship is in trouble, many parents of estranged adult children are genuinely eager to make any necessary amends.

Rejected parents who send apologies want their child(ren) to know they understand the issues that led to the cut-off, and that they’re ready (or working toward readiness) for a new and better relationship.

But even the sincerest apology is not always met with the desired response, which would be an immediate end to estrangement.

In this informative episode, Tina lists four typical responses from estranged adult children, and ranks them anecdotally from most to least likely.

Once you know that all of these responses are normal and to be expected, you may feel better about making the most of whatever comes your way.

For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Resources mentioned on this show:

RC Podcast Episode 87. When You Don't Get a Response

RC Podcast Episode 20. What Your Child's Silence Really Means

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer

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Some time ago, your adult child asked you to give him space. He became estranged. But now he's reached out to you.

The door has been opened at last!

You send your child an invitation, a photo, or a link. And... he's gone again. What happened?

Why does an adult child reach out to her parents, only to disappear again? Ambivalence is common among estranged adults, and it's a setup for what Tina calls The Escalation Trap.

It's important to note that this is not a trap set intentionally by people estranged from family. It's created by the circumstances of ambivalent connection.

On this episode, Tina describes the escalation trap and, more importantly, what parents can do to avoid it.

For information on how to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Other episode mentioned on this show:

38. If Your Child “Blows Hot and Cold”

Vicious.
Nasty.
Controlling.
Mean.
How do you feel when you read those words?
If you've been thinking about your estranged adult child(ren) in these terms, the language you're using may be affecting your ability to solve the problem of estrangement.
Compare "My child is being cruel" with "I miss feeling close and connected."
The first statement is stark. It invites a lack of trust, and a sense of powerlessness. If your child is simply cruel, where does that leave you?
The second eases the nervous system with words that feel better: "close" and "connected." Even if those feelings are currently missing, just the sound of them can soothe an aching soul.
Get inspired by this episode to manage your experience of estrangement, by managing your vocabulary.
You may not get to choose whether you’re estranged, but you do get to choose how you respond – including what you say when you talk to yourself and others.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child. 

If you've ever apologized to your estranged adult child and included the fact that you're not perfect, chances are you didn't tell them anything they didn't already know.

If they're honest with themselves, estranged adult children also know that they're not perfect, either. Because no one is.

"I'm not perfect" is a common refrain from those seeking forgiveness. But as apologies go, that phrase is... well, less than perfect.

In addition to being redundant, the statement may stir up negative feelings, because of what it leaves out.

In this episode, Tina gives 4 different reasons to avoid using this statement, especially during apologies. 

Full show notes are at reconnectionclub.com/121

Have you ever heard the following rules of thumb for parents of estranged adult children?

"Always give your estranged adult child the last word when texting."

"Never reach out to them if they’ve asked for no contact."

"Don’t send gifts."

"You have to apologize if you want to reconcile."

These rules of thumb get bandied about in conversations between unwillingly estranged parents. And instead of starting points, they’re often treated as a hard line that parents have to toe.

But even with hard-and-fast rules (which these aren’t), not every rule applies in every case all the time.

In this episode, Tina cautions against treating rules of thumb as if they were natural laws. She urges you to think through the rationale for everything you do during estrangement, and provides examples of what that looks like.

For a guidebook to help you understand the principles underlying rules of thumb, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Parents of adult children, whether estranged or not, sometimes (or often) bump into boundaries they didn’t know were there.
They might be asked to call before dropping in, to speak to their child’s spouse a certain way, or to respect a grandchild’s dietary restrictions, bedtime or other limits.
Even when boundary lines are clearly drawn, they can still be a source of friction in the parent-adult child relationship. But when boundaries are unclear or seem to change frequently, parents may feel both frustrated and insecure.
The “walking on eggshells” feeling that many parents experience around their adult children is in large part a fear of setting the relationship back by unwittingly crossing invisible lines.
In this episode, Tina offers some thoughts about boundaries, including why your adult child may be withholding information about them, and how to find out where the lines are.

For practical tips on how to repair estranged relationships with adult children and their spouses or partners, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Parent-adult child estrangement is essentially a communication problem.
Many unwillingly estranged parents are dismayed by what they view as a lack of communication skills in their adult children.
“If only he’d tell me what’s wrong,” they lament. Or, “Why does she have to such awful language?”
Fortunately, communication takes two. If you have any contact with your estranged adult child, you can contribute greatly to improved interactions.
Even without direct contact, anything you send in writing will have an impact on the tone of your relationship.
In this episode, Tina points out that nobody communicates in a vacuum, least of all family.
Listen to this thought-provoking episode to learn how to enjoy better communication with your adult child(ren), and others.

Find Tina's book at Amazon: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child

Family conflict is inherently dramatic.
This is according to one dictionary that defines drama as “any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results, e.g. the drama of a murder trial.”
The dictionary might as well have used parent-adult child estrangement as an example of drama, since it entails the elements mentioned above.
In this episode, Tina reminds us that most dramas involve heroes and villains. But in parent-adult child estrangement, that dichotomy presents parents with an obvious problem.
If the parent (as the rejected party) is the hero, then they must live with the notion that they raised a villain or villains.
But if the estranged adult child is the hero, then the parent must make sense of how his best efforts to parent well, including the sacrifices he made, landed him in the villain role.
As a matter of expediency, Tina suggests refusing to view the situation in black-and-white terms.

Part of the pain of being rejected by an adult child is knowing how much, and for how long, you sacrificed energy and time to parent her or him.

You did as well as you could within the given circumstances. Why can’t your adult child cut you some slack?

Estrangement can uncover expectations of reciprocity from one’s children. “I’m not asking for much,” you might say; “I just want to know my child is okay.” Or “I’d just like to see my grandchildren once in a while.”

When parents’ desire for contact with an adult child and/or grandchild(ren) is thwarted, the sense of injustice can be consuming.

It raises the question of what we all, as somebody’s children, owe our parents.

After a brief ethical exploration of this question, Tina suggests that certain conditions are usually in place before adult children reciprocate. She also addresses the problem of how to deal with feelings of injustice.

Episode link:

Check out Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them on Amazon