Parents of estranged adult children often carry unhealed emotional wounds from long ago. The pain of those wounds can be reactivated when adult children become estranged, especially if original injuries involved separation, loss, rejection or abandonment. 
For those parents, the injury of unwanted estrangement brings back the pain of old trauma (with or without a capital T) that never had the chance to resolve. Now they must at least cope with the fallout, if not resume the healing, of those earlier hurts.
In this episode, Tina outlines five differences between the process of healing and the practice of coping. And while both coping and healing are necessary and important, she urges listeners not to mistake good coping skills for the permanent gains of actual healing.
If you’re aware of deep feelings of emptiness, sadness, or anger, and you sense they were there even before your adult child’s estrangement, consider working with a local counselor or therapist. Here are a few directories where you can search for a licensed mental health professional by zip or postal code:
https://traumatherapistnetwork.com/
https://www.psychologytoday.com
https://www.goodtherapy.org/
Other resources mentioned in this episode:
Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them
RCP Episodes 125 and 126: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot

Many parents exhaust themselves trying in vain to reconnect with their estranged adult child or children.

While some keep struggling to come up with new things to try, others succumb to despair and begin to believe the situation is hopeless.

In both cases, the question may arise: When is the right time to stop trying?

This is one of the saddest questions for unwillingly estranged parents. But whether it arises from despair or sheer exhaustion, the question deserves an answer.

In this episode, Tina offers a sensible response to parents who are wondering whether it’s time to give up.

Even if you’re in the unenviable position of being unwilling estranged, and all out of ideas, you’ll find the words in this episode to be as uplifting as they are informative.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child on Amazon

Episodes 97 through 99 are right here in your podcast player app (RC members, log in and go to our Road Map page)

Reconnection Club resource library (you must be logged in to access)

Breathe through your nose if you can.

Make your exhale longer than your inhale.

Slow down and deepen your breathing.

All of those are simple, accessible ways to calm an upset nervous system.

Controlled breathing is one of the oldest and most effective methods to combat stress over time. For parents unwillingly estranged from adult children and grandchildren, breathing can be a lifeline.

In this inspiring (pun intended) episode, Tina shares excerpts from her conversation with Nick Heath, founder of the Breath Is Life Learning Center.

Reconnection Club members will find the entire interview, along with the transcript, in our online library. Log in and go to Expert Interviews.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

NOTE: In offering a list of stress-reduction practices, Tina refers to both the third and fourth items as "Number Three." Please don't be distracted by the misnumbering; there are five separate items in the list.

Many parents of estranged adult children know the pain of a broken heart. But for some, Broken Heart Syndrome becomes a medical crisis.

Also known as Takotsubo Syndrome or stress cardiomyopathy, Broken Heart Syndrome mimics the experience of a heart attack. But rather than being caused by blocked arteries, it’s caused by a stress-induced temporary abnormality that usually resolves itself.

Still, Broken Heart Syndrome can lead to life-threatening complications. If you have chest pain or shortness of breath, or suspect you may be having heart problems, seek medical help immediately.

This episode doesn't constitute or contain medical advice.

Instead, Tina offers specific research-supported tips to help you try to reduce the risk of developing Broken Heart Syndrome and other stress-related health problems, over time.

You can’t end your adult child's estrangement at will. But you can make personal decisions every day that protect, rather than jeopardize, your health -- even during an unwanted and emotionally stressful estrangement.

For concrete ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

Takotsubo syndrome

Experiential avoidance

Constructive Wallowing

Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

It may feel wrong to use words like “strategy” and “tactics” when talking about personal relationships. But healing from family estrangement, especially for parents unwillingly estranged from their adult children, often requires strategic thinking.

Tina points out that “strategy” is simply a word for having a plan. Tactics are the “how” of any strategy, including a strategy to reconnect with adult children.

In this clarifying episode, Tina lays out in broad strokes an overarching strategy that almost all parents can use to end estrangement and successfully reconnect with adult children in a way that favors sustainable, mutual benefit.

She also identifies tactics that typically fail, and other common pitfalls -- along with how to avoid them, of course.

If your adult child isn’t talking to you, this episode will help you prepare to meet this painful challenge strategically, rather than impulsively.

For more ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Some parents of estranged adult children may already be familiar with the serenity prayer, popularized by AA and other 12-step groups:

"God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

Knowing when to take action and when to stand down is helpful in gently moving an unwanted estrangement in the direction of healing. But that knowledge is elusive for most parents.

We all have innate wisdom. However, estrangement from one’s own adult child(ren) is highly stressful; circumstances like these can affect your ability to access your wisdom, let alone allow it to guide you.

In this contemplative episode, Tina lists five different practices to follow, to cultivate your highest wisdom during estrangement from your adult child(ren)… And even find moments of peace.

For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

RC Podcast 92: Lead By Example

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Therapist directories:

Traumatherapistnetwork.com

Psychologytoday.com

Goodtherapy.org

As soon as they realize their adult child or children are estranged, most parents will try to reestablish a connection as quickly as possible.

And while it’s only natural to do so, racing to reconnect can lead to wasted time and energy — and sadly, needless extra suffering.

In this short but vital episode, Tina explains why the process of genuine reconnection is more like an egg-and-spoon race than an all-out dash to the finish line.

Estrangements can and do end spontaneously. But if you want your reconciliation with your adult child to withstand the test of time, then adopting an egg-and-spoon mindset is one way to serve that purpose.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

RCP Ep. 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent
RCP Ep. 111: “Why do I have to heal first?”
RCP Ep. 97-99: Road Map to Reconnection
Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child

If your adult child has stepped away from your relationship by deciding to become estranged, then in general, it's not a good idea to make requests of him or her.

Instead, it may be best to view this time of estrangement as a request from your child, that you examine your relationship and try to understand their decision. That's often the beginning of reconnection.

The "Go for a No" technique descried in this episode is not a substitute for honoring a no-contact request. It should be used sparingly, if at all.

Warning: The technique may be interpreted as manipulative, and could make things worse between you. The more you're trying to "get away with" something by using it, the more likely that is.

However, in trying their best to respect them, there are times when parents genuinely need to ask where the boundaries are.

One example is gifts for grandchildren. If you've always given gifts to your grandchild(ren) for birthdays, and you're now estranged from their parents, what are the rules for gift-giving? Have they changed, or are they the same?

It's in circumstances like these that you may use Tina's "Go for a No" technique. Try to use it only when reasonably sure that what you're proposing IS acceptable.

The general rule, "When in doubt, leave it out," applies to "Go for a No." Meaning, if using it feels questionable for any reason, avoid it.

For ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

What Does a No-Contact Request Sound Like?

The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they’ve ever felt. It’s overwhelming, and feels unending.

But to say that you’re in pain is not the full story. It’s just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name.

What is your pain?

Is it sadness? Grief? Dread?

Is it resentment? Anger? Regret?

Any and every emotion you might experience during estrangement is normal. In this important 2-part episode (Here's Part 1), Tina talks about the feelings above, as well as others, and what to do with them.

Rack up EQ points listening to this miniseries released in honor of American Heart Month.

IMPORTANT: Trauma is not an emotion. Trauma is best addressed in the safety of a professional relationship with a qualified trauma therapist.

For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

Episode 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent

Episode 35: Why Rejected Parents Act Impulsively (And How Not To)

The Biology of Connection

Feeling Abandoned/Rejected By an Estranged Adult Child

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Feeling Powerless in the Face of Estrangement

The pain of estrangement from an adult child or children is, for many parents, excruciating. Some describe it as the worst they’ve ever felt. It’s overwhelming, and feels unending.

But to say that you’re in pain is not the full story. It’s just a disturbing headline with no further information. To deal with pain, we must know its name.

What is your pain?

Is it sadness? Grief? Dread?

Is it resentment? Anger? Regret?

Any and every emotion you might experience during estrangement is normal. In this important 2-part episode (Part 2 releases two weeks after this one), Tina talks about the feelings above, as well as others, and what to do with them.

Rack up EQ points listening to this miniseries released in honor of American Heart Month.

IMPORTANT: Trauma is not an emotion. Trauma is best addressed in the safety of a professional relationship with a qualified trauma therapist.

For information on what causes estrangement, and ideas on how to repair your parent-adult child relationship, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

RESOURCES:

Episode 95: The Deep Pain of the Rejected Parent

Episode 35: Why Rejected Parents Act Impulsively (And How Not To)

The Biology of Connection

Feeling Abandoned/Rejected By an Estranged Adult Child

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Feeling Powerless in the Face of Estrangement