The SelfWork Podcast

Three times this week I was asked, "Just how do I interview a therapist?" So... I'm going to give you fifteen very specific, concrete, and legit questions to ask a potential therapist. It's important of course to note how that therapist is answering you and does their manner of talking with you seem warm and engaging? I hope this helps with any confusion  you might have, or at least, now you have ideas of what to ask.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpost articles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought it was somehow your 'fault.'

So, in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’ll focus on the very tangible and concrete topic of approaching a potential therapist. Sit back, relax, and hopefully learn how to talk to someone about becoming your therapist – what to ask, how to ask it, and other important facets of creating this very unique relationship in your life.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

The podcast episode also talking about the problem of feeling invisible. 

An Unquiet Mind written by Kay Redfield Jamison,

My first podcast episode on What Is Good Therapy?

An Open Counseling article explaining licensure and training differences between therapists

My podcast on whether to terminate therapy

The different family roles that you can adopt and play

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What's a mental health day? Why should you take one? And how to answer the question, “What good will it do anyway? I just have to go back tomorrow….And I need the money.”  I’m going to give you some ideas of how to really use a mental health day to your advantage – and the problems inherent in many work places in “admitting” or ‘revealing” that’s what you’re doing. Of course, here at SelfWork, we’re doing our best to challenge that thinking and are so grateful when you share the podcast with others or leave a review!

Our listener email is from a young woman who grew up in a chaotic home where she'd to become an adult far too soon. Now as she begins to address the pain of that, she’s feeling as if the changes she’s trying to make are going unnoticed by those around her. I’ve had many people tell me the same thing. “I feel like so much is going on inside me – but no one says anything to me. It’s like I’m changing inwardly but I’m frustrated it’s not showing externally.”

So, today’s post, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’ll talk about the ins and outs of mental health days. How do you know when you need one, and how do you create a day that meets whatever needs you have – on that particular day.

Important Links

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

New York Times article on mental health days

Forbes article on how the brain processes emotional and physical pain

All about "sick days" in the USA

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This past month, I heard from a woman who identifies herself as manifesting covert narcissism and she’s looking for both support and information on how she could best address what she so desperately and sincerely wants to change in herself. She talks about the extreme lack of help out there- and she’s right. Sometimes we can forget as a culture that those we “label” as having a personality disorder are often living very difficult lives. So, today we’ll talk about covert narcissism: I’ll offer recent research and as usual, add my own ideas about healing. Our listener email for this week – or basically another listener email! – is from a young woman who asks what the relationship is between perfectionism and social anxiety and she’s struggling with her progress not going faster – as she says she wants to get “rid” of her anxiety.

BetterHelp is sponsoring this podcast today – and I’ve been made very aware during the pandemic (because I myself moved to only doing virtual work) how convenient and effective virtual therapy could be,  especially for those not quite ready to walk into a therapist’s office. So please do whatever it is you like to do when you listen, and let’s talk about covert narcissism, what it is, how you can spot it in yourself or others, and as always, what you can do about it.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Scientific American article on narcissism and imposter syndrome

MindBodyGreen article on covert narcissism

InStyle article on covert narcissism

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Here's today's You Get The Gist! 

If you’ve been watching March Madness recently, hopefully you’ve seen the new commercials, sponsored by Powerade, supporting the power of pause. They feature premiere such as Simone Biles, Premier League soccer manager Antonio Conte and Olympic Gold diver Tom Daley as they take pause to relax and enjoy unexpected hobbies. Also featured are former NBA stars Chris Webber and Jason Williams.

Let me quickly say that I have no relationship with Powerade; my fascination is with the power of this campaign – not only for athletes but for driven perfectionists  - no matter what their field.

“I’ve come to recognize the power of the pause and the Powerade brand’s campaign is a timely reminder to take a moment when we need it—whether for a deep breath, a timeout or even a season out,” Biles said in a statement. “We push ourselves hard physically and emotionally to achieve our dreams but if we are not our best mentally, then we are not maximizing our full potential. I want to help encourage everybody to be kinder to themselves, because that’s when we’re at our strongest and we can achieve the most.

Here's the commercial!

Important Links:

Adweek Article talking about The Power of Pause

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

This question came up in a couple of scenarios this week. So, I decided to go with the synergy of that and focus on the decisions surrounding self-revelation - or telling your story. Here's the question: “How do I talk to someone about what’s really going on with me? I’m scared they’ll feel like I’m dumping on them, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Or even worse, I’m scared they’ll take it on like it’s their problem.” I know some of you rarely if ever do that; some of you may do it too much. So, what’s a middle ground? How can you filter your own need to be listened to, to be understood, so that you set up a situation where you get what you want and need?. Or for those of you who stay completely away from sharing parts of your story, how can you begin to do it at all??

The listener email is from someone who saw my Pinterest feed – and more specifically the pin on PHD – took my questionnaire and was shocked by her score. So ,what should or could she do now? This is a question I get a lot so wanted to bring it to the forefront again today.

You’ll also hear from Athletic Greens, or AG1 – about their conservation commitment and how you can not only benefit from their product, but how they trying in turn to benefit the world.

So sit back and relax -as we focus together on sharing – the why, how, what, when and where of sharing. And how do you know whether you’re venting, dumping, or simply sharing your story…

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

A great article on the difference between venting and dumping

The USA Today article on trauma dumping

My SelfWork episode (008) on how to be a good listener

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

A.A. Milne's character Winnie the Pooh -  Eeyore - the droopy eyed donkey who Winnie loves, has many famous quotes. But this is one of my favorites, especially when thinking about how to work through disappointment. "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." Disappointment is something we all have to work through. Yet it’s important to know that you can do it - because it's one of those things that happens to everyone. Something you thought would happen, had counted on and put energy into  - won't happen. And that hurts.

So in today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer seven steps to do just that. What are they?

• Grieve first.
• Start getting perspective right off the bat.
• Consider and acknowledge what your own part and what you were disappointed in is or was. That's utilizing your internal locus control.
• Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.
•  Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring you pleasure. And those dopamine receptors will love that.
•  Look for the windows that are opening as that door closes. Again, you might need friends to do that.
• Reassess your disappointment. Take time in the next two or three months or even six months to look back and say, “All right, how do I perceive that disappointment now?"

We'll talk about all of these - so that those weeds do become lovely enough and you can move on.

The listener voicemail is from someone who listened to my YouTube talk about enmeshment – not only has she recognized that she and her mom were highly enmeshed, now she’s obsessed with finding out information about it – and doesn’t know what to do. She has a label but now what? I’ll do my best to give her some ideas.

Other Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A great article explaining locus of control

The neurobiology of disappointment - what's going on in your brain when you're disappointed?

Another article about the lateral habenula and its role in disappointment and depression

Harvard Business Review article on disappointment

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's episode is full of wonderful email questions from four of you and my answers! We'll cover someone who identifies with perfectly hidden depression and is doing trauma work... but things seem to be getting harder, not easier. Is that normal? A second listener writes in about how difficult it is for her to change habits - and down the rabbit hole she goes, into an emotional space she hates but somehow can't seem to avoid. So how to stop that?

The third question is from a woman whose mom was narcissistic, and she's realizing that she was drawn to partners who also had narcissistic traits. Why does this happen? And fourth, a listener's mom seems to have borderline traits, and doesn't realize the negative impact of her actions and behaviors on others. So the question is how to go forward setting boundaries - and I have two ideas of how she could proceed.

Lots of great topics! So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer my ideas to all four listeners - and am so grateful for not only their questions, but I'm happy that all have sought help from therapy.

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I loved this review of Talya Miron-Shatz' new book Your Life Depends On It (certainly an attention-catching title!) “People who expect to stay healthy forever need not read this wonderful book.  The rest of us should.  With a fine combination of humor, compassion and vast knowledge, Talya Miron-Shatz offers clear and useful guidance for the hardest decisions of life.”  Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. I'll add my own humble praise for her work, for as I read, I remembered all the times I'd fumbled around at a doctor's office, forgetting to ask what I really needed to ask, even forgetting some important detail of what exactly was wrong!

So I was eager to bring you her work, as literally your life may depend on it. She gives all sorts of great information in her book and in this interview, but she also offers the three most vital questions to ask you medical practitioner. A great thing to know!

Her uncommonly broad perspective has crystalized into a worldview that sees health as a joint venture between patients, doctors, and even medical institutions themselves. No one side here can do this alone, or should be led to think they can . In an often funny, but very common-sense kind of way, Talya offers tangible tips on what you need to know, what you need to ask, and how you and your medical practitioner can make the best decisions for you.

And the last thing she says I also love. She's on a mission that she knows is a very difficult one. But, as she says (and I'm quoting from memory...), "I have a voice. And I must use it to at least try to help."

Important Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Imagine my surprise when I heard of a great book I wanted to feature on SelfWork - and then discovered its author lived in my own hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas! That book is You Are What You Click and its author is Dr. Brian Primack. He holds a master’s in education from Harvard (with a focus on adolescent development, psychology, and education), an M.D. from Emory, and finally a Ph.D. in Behavioral Science from the University of Pittsburgh. Those credentials might seem to be enough, but he's also an internationally acclaimed expert on the relationship between media, technology, and health.

It turns out for example that Dr. Primack's most recent research has found that there is a direct link between the amount of time you spend on social media and your level of depression. And we're lucky enough to have him right here at the University of Arkansas, as he's now Dean of the College of Education and Health Professions. So I present him and his work to you today. On top of all that, he's light-hearted and engaging to listen to, as you can hear the passion for what his research is uncovering and how we all can govern how social media is affecting us - not the other way around.

So, in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, you can learn what social media's influence is on you and your mental health.

Important Links!

Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I get a lot of questions about therapy - how to find a therapist, how to know if therapy is working. One of the most common questions is, “How do I open up?” But here was another and different kind of comment last week.  “Things I was only vaguely aware of, or knew, but was able to keep locked away from myself - have decided to pick the lock.” So, sometimes opening up can be a slow process while at other times, painful emotions and memories can come bursting out when triggered. So, in this episode of  SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to focus on five things to be aware of that can lead you to feel as emotionally safe as possible with your therapist.

The listener voicemail is only five seconds long… but her question is heartbreaking. I’m not sure I have answers… but I definitely want to extend comfort and reassurance.

So, let’s talk about how you build safety into beginning to open up about things that – at least initially – don’t feel safe at all.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist...

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands