In today’s reader Q and A, I address the question of “how to get over my girlfriend’s past” when people are judging her (and you.)

It’s absolutely possible to get over a girlfriend’s past in this situation. Watch or read below to learn more:

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: Okay, let’s get into it. Today’s question is from Jack. Jack writes,

“My question is while I deal with retroactive jealousy, one of my main problems is other people judging my girlfriend’s past sexual history. I’ve Googled enough to know that some people have strong views on sexual history. And, I hate the thought of her being judged by others. This makes me question whether it’s something that has a right to be judged. Is this a normal part of retroactive jealousy? And, will curing my retroactive jealousy likely rid me of this thought as well? How to get over my girlfriend’s past in this situation?”

Thanks for your question, Jack. I completely understand where it’s coming from.

I think this is an issue that becomes less and less important, less significant. The older you get and the more perspective on sex and dating and relationships you get. What I mean is, you didn’t tell me how old you are, but I would imagine you’re probably a young man probably in late teens, early twenties kind of thing. Because I can only speak for myself. I’m in my early thirties now. And I feel like every year that I get older, just the less and less I care about what other people think. That’s not to say that I don’t care at all about what people think. That would be a lie. Maybe a better way to put it is every year I get older, I get more and more and more selective with regard to whose opinions I really value.

In other words, I have real mentors, models, close friends and certain family members whose opinions I really value and whose perspective on my life I value.

They’re a good sounding board for me and they’re willing to point out when I’m possibly going to make a mistake or I’ve got a blind spot or something like that. There are certain men and women whose opinions I really value and trust–and then there’s everyone else.

So if you’re getting your life perspective from, say, random YouTube commenters (no offense, random YouTube commenters) but I mean anyone who’s spent time in a YouTube comment section can know how that can mess with your head. Or even just idiots at school or guys at the back of the bus or random commenters on internet forums when you look up anything related to female sexuality.

If you Google anything related to women and sexual history and you’ll just find the most amount of toxicity and really vicious slut-shaming

You’ll find a lot of really negative stuff.

And when I was your age, I would probably let that stuff influence me too. I’d let those feelings, sentiments, toxic opinions, and those really kinds of warped perspectives. I would let that to some extent shape my own perspective.

But every year I get older, the more I can tune that stuff out. And for you, I’m not exactly sure who these guys are, who you’re worried about, in terms of them judging you or your girlfriend. But if you’re worried about them really judging you, and if they’re going to say nasty things and they’re going to make fun of you or make fun of her or they’re going to do the whole posturing,

Can’t stop thinking about your wife’s previous partners?

Are you overwhelmed by obsessive thoughts and curiosity regarding your wife’s previous partners? Do you catch yourself in repeated cycles of shame and self-loathing after you act on your insecurities, wondering what happened to the self-assured, carefree husband you used to be?

You’re not alone and you do not have to continue feeling this way.

Transcript below

Obsessing over details of your wife’s sexual past is exhausting, emasculating. And, is often accompanied by some pretty serious feelings of shame.

I also know how liberating it is to be free of these obsessive thought patterns.

Since the release of my book in 2013, I’ve applied what I learned in my journey to overcome retroactive jealousy (RJ) to help thousands of others heal too.I’ve received thousands of emails in my years of doing this work. Though the specifics of each case are different, every single person who writes to me describes feeling haunted by their partner’s past. Many saying that thinking about their wife’s sexual past is “killing” them.In these emails, men and women from all over the world describe the enormous toll retroactive jealousy takes on their relationships and their self-esteem.

Obsessive jealousy about your wife’s sexual past turns you away from your true nature and turns you into someone that you’re not.

The good news is, you can choose to stop living this way. You can take immediate steps to overcome retroactive jealousy today.Not only have I been where you are now and have overcome RJ myself, I’ve also helped thousands of men and women from around the world heal from obsessive jealousy too.These people are not only in healthier, happier relationships, they’re also sleeping better, having better sex, and have seen massive improvements to their self-esteem.

Each of them got there by doing exactly what you’re doing now: researching the issue, taking steps to learn more about it, and committing to change.

If you commit to healing, it is possible to overcome obsessive thinking about your wife’s previous partners quickly and return to the man you know yourself to be.

Before I share a few strategies to begin the healing process, let’s talk about where you’re at now and how you got there.

Why Does My Wife’s Sexual Past Bother Me So Much?

My inbox is full of emails asking this question.

While in some ways, it doesn’t matter what prompts us to engage in obsessive thinking. Seeking to understand what motivates us is human nature.I’ve done a lot of reading on the origins of jealousy in romantic relationships. And, the question of where it stems from is still mostly unknown.Jealousy in romantic relationships didn’t become the focus of study for social scientists until the 1970s. Some argue that biology and genetics play a role. While others look to the attachment styles in relationships and family structures.

What science can tell us is that there is a big difference between normal jealousy and obsessive jealousy.

If you’re here, chances are you’re dealing with something that falls in...

Meet (another!) Zachary–a US Air Force veteran just two and a half weeks into my online course, “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast.”

Zachary is currently one of the most active and supportive members of our secret Facebook group for past and current students.

After he started posting in our group, I knew I had to make a video where Zachary could share his story.

As he told me in a recent call, Zachary knew he needed help when he found himself crying into his pillow one day as a result of relentless, intrusive thoughts and “mental movies” about his girlfriend’s past.

A story that probably sounds uncomfortably familiar to many retroactive jealousy sufferers.

In his own words:

[I was] having visions, and movies, and images and thinking about her exes non-stop… And I was looking for a spot in the airport to go cry. Because I couldn’t control my thoughts.And that’s when I decided–this is it. I obviously don’t have a handle on this… And that’s what forced me to order the course.

I finished the course in a week and a half. It was instant help… There’s a huge difference now… You gave me the tools to fix this.

Listen to Zachary tell his story below:

Zachary’s tale of rapid transformation is remarkable.

And even more evidence that anyone can overcome retroactive jealousy with the right tools, work ethic, and determination.

So let me ask you:

Are you ready to overcome retroactive jealousy, and experience the life and relationship you deserve?

Click here to join Zachary, myself, and over 1000 retroactive jealousy success stories from around the world in my online course, “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast.”

Meet Elizabeth–a self-described retroactive jealousy “survivor.”

Elizabeth is a former student from my online course, “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast,” and one of the most active and supportive members of our secret Facebook group.

Elizabeth struggled for years with constant intrusive thoughts and curiosity about her boyfriend’s past.

It wasn’t until she fully committed to putting in the work that she began to see results. Today, she’s a new woman.

In her own words:

After [taking the course], I just felt free… I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because I can be in a relationship and be happy in it. It’s not tense and awkward situations anymore. It’s just happy.

Hear Elizabeth tell her story below:

Click here to join Elizabeth, myself, and over 1000 other retroactive jealousy survivors, and start overcoming RJ today.

Many women struggle with intrusive thoughts about their husband’s past

And over the years, I’ve received thousands of emails from women troubled by their husband’s past—a syndrome commonly known as “retroactive jealousy.”

[Transcript below]

The range of symptoms and emotions these women describe vary widely—from feeling “obsessed” or “consumed” by their husband’s past, others who are questioning their partner’s values, and others who have no questions about their husband’s values, but who simply “can’t stop thinking” about his past.

Each and every email is different—however, over several years working on jealousy related issues, certain patterns have emerged. 

One pattern I’ve noticed among women who are troubled by their husband’s past, is that most of them don’t question their husband’s values, necessarily.

Instead, these women are often haunted by the love their husband once shared with another woman, or, the presence of “past connections” (ie. children, stepchildren, or ex-partners) in their husband’s present.

Many of these women realize that what they’re feeling is irrational, however, that doesn’t change the fact that they can’t stop thinking about their husband’s past, no matter what they try.

Many of these women are at the same time grappling with some sense of insecurity relating to their husband’s past.

Perhaps they worry that the connection they currently share with their husband isn’t as “special” or remarkable as a certain connection from her husband’s past. 

Sometimes, these women don’t feel as sexy, desirable, or attractive as women from their husband’s past. 

Other times, these women are simply consumed by “little moments” from her husband’s past—such as certain vacations, events, or other scenes or scenarios from her husband’s past which haunt them.

When it comes to struggling with your husband’s past, there is an enormous amount to dig into. There are so many issues at play here, so much self-interrogation to undertake.

So what will follow is a highly abbreviated strategy to start overcoming your husband’s past.

If you’d like to learn more, I host a premium video course called “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” which explores all of these issues in far greater depth.

The course has helped hundreds of wives around the world overcome retroactive jealousy, and get past their husband’s past.

But for now, this should give you something to get started.

So here are a few suggestions for beginning to overcome your husband’s past.

#1) Trust your husband, and his word—until he gives you a reason not to

My mother often used an expression: “trust somebody until they give you a reason not to trust them.”

This does not mean that we should never forgive people who breach our trust. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes.

Instead, what I took this expression to imply is that we should give ourselves permission to trust our loved ones, give them the benefit of the doubt, and learn to let down our guard a bit. 

Jealousy, obsession, paranoia,

Wife’s past killing you?

Can’t stop thinking about your wife’s past? Wondering whether or not your wife’s past is a “dealbreaker?”

If you’re struggling with your wife’s past, you are not alone.

[Transcript below]

Since I launched this website back in 2013, I’ve received thousands of emails from thousands of husbands struggling with the following subject: “Wife’s past is killing me.”

Sometimes, a husband has been troubled by his wife’s past since before their engagement. Sometimes, a husband only starts obsessing about his wife’s past years, or even decades, after the wedding.

Although I receive emails from men and women regarding all different kinds of “retroactive jealousy”—ie. intrusive thoughts concerning a partner’s past relationships/sexual history—emails from husbands troubled by their wife’s past almost always come down to the same topic: sex.

Some husbands are troubled by the fact of their wife having any sex with anyone else before they married. Thinking of their wife’s previous partners makes them sick.

Other husbands find out some “dark sexual secret” about their wife’s past which might be considered a “dealbreaker.” This is especially common when the wife is talking about ex lovers non-stop.

However, most of the husbands who write to me are fixated on just one “thing;” one event, one person, one scenario, one sexual act… just this “one thing” about their wife’s past that they can’t seem to stop thinking about. “I can’t get over my wife’s past” – common thought that goes through their mind.  

Regardless of what did, or didn’t happen in your wife’s past, dealing with unwanted curiosity and intrusive thoughts can be exhausting, depressing, and extremely frustrating. 

And let me be absolutely clear: there is no “overnight fix” for retroactive jealousy concerning your wife’s past. To get to the bottom of this issue takes some effort, humility, dedication, and an open mind.

And as I’ve learned after working with hundreds of one-on-one coaching clients and students taking my online course, retroactive jealousy is not just about what did or didn’t happen in your partner’s past. 

To get to the bottom of retroactive jealousy, we need to get to the bottom of our values, our expectations, our conception of ourselves and our partner, our childhood, our own sexual past, and much more.

All of this is to say: retroactive jealousy is complicated. (I wrote an entire book, and designed a 10+ hour online course on this very topic.)

However: if you’re struggling with your wife’s past, and you’re looking for a way to start healing, here are five suggestions and mindset shifts you can implement immediately.

I have a lot more to say about this topic, but hopefully,

Recently, I hopped on Skype with a student taking my “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” online course.

Since he was 14, Geddy has struggled with intense anxiety and curiosity surrounding each girlfriend’s past.

In his own words:

I didn’t know [retroactive jealousy] had a name. I thought I was just uncontrollably jealous… It really didn’t matter what my partner’s past had been. It didn’t matter if they had been with 100 people, or with nobody [before me]… I felt the same. Her past killed me…To me, [the course] was like a guide I could follow because you, and the other people who have been through [retroactive jealousy] just know what works, and what doesn’t work. Truly, that was the biggest thing for me… The whole thing was just a huge help, and I’m thankful I found it, that’s for sure.It’s a night and day difference, the way that I feel, and the way that I can deal with these things… I’m still working on certain things, but I’ve never been more at peace.

Watch my full conversation with Geddy below:

I can’t tell you how much I enjoy hearing from people who have successfully overcome retroactive jealousy with the help of my course. Makes all of the past half-decade of work worthwhile.

To join Geddy, and over 1000 others who have overcome retroactive jealousy with the help of my premium course, click here.

Niko is a former retroactive jealousy sufferer who took my online course, “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast.”

With some help from the course, Niko has managed to defeat retroactive jealousy, and gain a new lease on life and relationships.

We hopped on Skype recently to talk about his journey overcoming retroactive jealousy.

In his own words:

Retroactive jealousy is something I’ve been dealing with for a very long time… It never went away, no matter what I did.

The mental movies were extreme, that feeling in your deep stomach of disgust… haunting… I would [ask my partner for more details about her past] but it never went away, no matter how much I asked…

All of my relationships fell down the drain–luckily, now, things have changed… The fact that you brought all of us [students] together was very, very important… To see that there were other people struggling, the Facebook group… to see that we have the same issues, to see that we’re all fighting the same thing together.

[After taking the course] it’s day and night. Day and night. I feel better with myself, I feel better with my partner… I have never experienced a relationship the way I do now because I feel confident. I feel excited. I feel like good things are coming. I never had that before, because of these haunting thoughts…

I want to urge people that [retroactive jealousy] is an actual issue. It’s not something you should be ashamed of. It’s not something you should keep hidden in your closet. It will ruin your life if you don’t tackle it…

Are you struggling with retroactive jealousy?

Take Niko’s advice: you don’t have to suffer any longer. And you are certainly not alone.

Click here to join Niko, and over 1000 other RJ sufferers from around the world, and learn more about “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast.”

Sara is a student taking my “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” premium online course.

Sara from the US came to the course struggling with constant, painful “mental movies” of her boyfriend with his ex, and a host of related anxiety around her boyfriend’s past. She told me:

I kept saying to myself, ‘I want my life back.’

“I want to be the person I was before. I want the ‘old me’ back.”

Just one month after joining the course, Sara got her ‘old self’ back. And then some.

Today, Sara says she’s happier than ever, and her relationship with her boyfriend is better than it’s ever been.

I could go on, but I’ll let Sara tell her own story.

Listen to Sara’s tale of transformation below:

You can join Sara right now.

Enrolment is currently open for “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast.”

To learn more about the course, and see dozens more student success stories, click here.

I’m a lucky guy.

For one thing, I get paid to do what I love: help people improve their relationships, let go of jealousy and possessiveness, and enjoy better lives.

It’s a lot of work. It involves a lot of late nights and early mornings. But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Not long ago I woke up to find this email in my inbox (transcript below):

Subject: My sincere thanks

Dear Zachary,

Your work on Retroactive Jealousy is nothing short of brilliant. It has helped me tremendously. My case of RJ was not terribly severe but it was enough to cause me considerable unease and angst. And get this, it was about stuff that happened 40 years ago!

Twice in the past, 25 years ago and one year ago I experienced retroactive jealousy and thought I had resolved it. Then one month ago it resurfaced and I decided to meet it head on.

I purchased your book and course and then went to work.

I completely agree RJ is rooted in insecurity. I committed to identifying and working on my insecurities via personal development.

I tended to live in the past, and not just concerning RJ. Cultivating a present mindset and recognizing the past is an illusion based on ego was key.

Indeed retroactive jealousy was a blessing in disguise. I’m a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Again my deep and sincere thanks and gratitude for your work.

With most regard,

George

I love getting emails like this.

Few things are as satisfying to me than finding notes like this in my inbox from former retroactive jealousy sufferers.

And I don’t share to brag–I want to prove to anyone struggling with retroactive jealousy that you are not alone. And there is a way out–George discovered it, and so did I.

You can read dozens more retroactive jealousy success stories on this page.

After I read George’s email I decided to take things a step further.

I responded to George, asking him if he’d be willing to hop on a quick Skype call to talk about his experience.

He replied back very quickly, telling me he’d be happy to.

Watch the video below to hear George’s story:

As you can see, my experience was no fluke.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy is absolutely possible for anyone willing to put in the work.

Click here to learn more.