The Zachary Stockill Podcast

By Zachary Stockill

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, Relationship Advice & More. Presented by Author and Coach Zachary Stockill from RetroactiveJealousy.com.... more

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FAQs about The Zachary Stockill Podcast:

How many episodes does The Zachary Stockill Podcast have?

The podcast currently has 376 episodes available.

The Zachary Stockill Podcast episodes:

June 07, 2020 “I Know Too Much About My Girlfriend’s Past. Help!” Q & A [VIDEO]
Today’s reader email comes from Nicholas, who writes “I know too much about my girlfriend’s past.” Can you really “know too much about my girlfriend’s past?” Nicholas continues: Can I overcome retroactive jealousy when I know too much about my girlfriend’s past, or is it only possible to overcome RJ if I get a new […]
The post “I Know Too Much About My Girlfriend’s Past. Help!” Q & A [VIDEO] appeared first on Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
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0min
June 06, 2020 “He Works With His Ex! What Should I Do??” Q & A [VIDEO]
Today’s reader question comes from Valerie, who writes “he works with his ex! What should I do?” Wondering what to do if he works his ex? Valerie continues: Hey Zachary! Thank you so much for helping me through your videos. The only reason I haven’t bought your online course is because my boyfriend’s ex is […]
The post “He Works With His Ex! What Should I Do??” Q & A [VIDEO] appeared first on Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
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7min
June 02, 2020 “What Should I Do When My Girlfriend Talks About Her Past?” Q & A [VIDEO]
“What should I do when my girlfriend talks about her past?” Many male readers write to me asking what they should do “when my girlfriend talks about her past.” Today’s email comes from Dylan, who writes: My girlfriend talks about her past… The thing that gets my jealousy going the most is when my girlfriend […]
The post “What Should I Do When My Girlfriend Talks About Her Past?” Q & A [VIDEO] appeared first on Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
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0min
May 29, 2020 “What If My Boyfriend’s Exes Are ‘Better’ Than Me?” Q & A [VIDEO]
Today’s reader email comes to us from Jack, who worries that his boyfriend’s exes are really “better” than him. Jack writes: I often feel like I’m not enough for my boyfriend. He’s had so many sexual partners, and when I look at myself, I feel like I am definitely less good looking and much less […]
The post “What If My Boyfriend’s Exes Are ‘Better’ Than Me?” Q & A [VIDEO] appeared first on Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
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6min
May 25, 2020 “How Much Should You Know About Your Partner’s Past?” [VIDEO]
If you’ve ever wondered “how much should you know about your partner’s past?” you are not alone. Today’s reader email comes from Randy, who writes “how much should you know about your partner’s past?” To what extent SHOULD one know about their partner’s past? Should one be blissfully ignorant, or an expert, or is there […]
The post “How Much Should You Know About Your Partner’s Past?” [VIDEO] appeared first on Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.
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0min
May 24, 2020 “My Girlfriend Has More Experience Than Me:” What to Do [VIDEO]

Today’s reader email comes from Dave, who writes “my girlfriend has more experience than me.” Dave continues:

Hi there. My question is can I get over retroactive jealousy if my girlfriend has more experience than me. I’m in my first relationship (at the age of 23 and having only had a few one night stands before) while my older girlfriend has had a few relationships before me??

Zachary Stockill: Before I get into the video today, I’d just like to say that I’m glad that so many of you have been enjoying this new format that I’ve been experimenting with, these Q&A videos. Thank you for your comments and feedback. If you’ve been enjoying these videos, please be sure you subscribe to my channel.

Okay, Dave. The short answer is absolutely and many of the same principles, in fact, probably all of the same principles and practices still apply.

You can go on to website, you can read my book, you can take my online course. All of the same principles and practices still apply.

However, there’s one additional idea or perspective that I think might be useful for you to consider in this particular context, having a “girlfriend who has more experience than me.”

And it’s a principle that I try to ram into the heads of the guys who contact me, who write to say “my girlfriend has more experience than me.”

So the perspective that I’d like you to consider is to remember that you’re not a victim.

Now I’m not suggesting that you are thinking of yourself like a victim, but a lot of guys in this position, they write to me and they talk like they are a victim.

In other words, they say things like, “Oh, my girlfriend’s had all this experience or my wife’s had all this experience. I haven’t had any and doesn’t that suck?” And they’re spinning their wheels in the mud, I like to call it, rather than moving on with solutions.

And the thing that I tell these guys all the time is, you can go have more experience. If you want, you can go break up with your girlfriend right now.

If you do that, please be respectful and kind and considerate of her feelings. But you can break up with her right now and you can go have one night stands. You can go have group sex and orgies and you can go on Tinder and you can swipe like a madman, and you can have all of these experiences if you want.

And the reason I share that, and the reason I want you to consider that, is remember that if you stay with this woman, if you stay in this current relationship, just always remember that you’re not a victim, you have options and you need to own your choices and your actions.

You need to own the perspectives that you take on as you work through this issue.

In case you haven’t guessed the victim mentality that I see a lot of guys demonstrating really bugs me, and the thing is that’s not going to help them overcome retroactive jealousy, if that’s their aim.

The way they overcome retroactive jealousy is the same way that all of us overcome retroactive jealousy.

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5min
May 23, 2020 “Girlfriend Had Lots of Partners in the Past! Help!” Q & A [VIDEO]

Today’s reader question comes from Benjamin, who can’t stand the fact that his girlfriend had lots of partners in the past.

Benjamin writes “my girlfriend had lots of partners:”

How do you get over the fact that your girlfriend actively went out to look for sex and nothing else before she met you? How do you become alright with that?

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: To start with, I want to read a passage from a book by Dr. Chris Ryan and Dr. Cacilda Jethá, called Sex at Dawn.

Despite repeated assurances that women aren’t particularly sexual creatures, in cultures around the world, men have gone to extraordinary lengths to control female libido. Female genital mutilation, head to toe chadors. Medieval witch burnings, chastity belts, suffocating corsets, muttered insults about insatiable whores, pathologizing, paternalistic medical diagnoses of nymphomania or hysteria, the debilitating scorn heaped on any female who chooses to be generous with their sexuality… all parts of a worldwide campaign to keep the supposedly low-key female libido under control. Why the electrified high-security-razor-wire fence to contain a kitty-cat?

This passage from Sex at Dawn gets to the heart of your question, I think.

And I could spend an hour or two or three, explaining my response to this question. We’re getting into deep waters here.

I think any man who struggles with the fact that his girlfriend had lots of partners–and I sure as hell did once upon a time– The answer lies in gaining a greater understanding and appreciation for female sexuality. Gaining a greater understanding of women. Gaining a greater understanding of sex and relationship dynamics, and the actual biology of sex. Not looking at female sexuality as something to be controlled or something to be owned.

I want to make it clear that I’m not one of these people who say that there are no differences between men and women.

Anyone who’s listened to my podcast is well aware of the fact that I have a real interest in tantra and tantric yoga. And, tantric sexuality.

And tantra, to a large extent, is about highlighting the differences between men and women, between the masculine and the feminine, playing with sexual polarity, all that good stuff, which is a lot of fun and really valuable in the context of longterm relationships or sex and dating in general. So, there are differences between men and women, absolutely.

However, there are many more similarities between male and female sexuality, than there are differences.

And one of the similarities is that women can have extremely high sex drives.

The female libido can be very, very, very high. You’ll meet some women with a way higher libido than a lot of men.

So consider this: there’s a part of the female body, which as far as scientists know, has the sole purpose of facilitating sexual pleasure. So, anyone watching this, or most of you people, probably know that I’m talking about the clitoris. Scientists still don’t know the real purpose of the clitoris, beyond facilitating female sexual pleasure. Guys don’t have that. And I think that should tell you something right there.

And let me tell you, when you meet a woman and she’s free of sexual judgment, and she’s free of sexual shame,
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8min
May 19, 2020 “My Boyfriend Hates My Past. What Can I Do?” Q & A [VIDEO]

“Help! My boyfriend hates my past!”

Today’s reader question comes from Michelle, who writes “my boyfriend hates my past.” She continues:

My boyfriend really wants to break up with me because he can not get over my past. How can I make him understand me?

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: Thanks for your email, Michelle.

This is a little heartbreaking. I get this kind of email way too often from the partners of retroactive jealousy sufferers who are often trying desperately to hold on to their relationship.

They’re looking to me for answers in terms of what they can do to support their partner as they work to overcome retroactive jealousy, and how they can keep their relationship.

So, first off, I’ve written in-depth articles on this topic. You can have a look at that. If you’re the partner of someone struggling with retroactive jealousy, I think you’ll find that valuable.

But other than that, you should never have to convince someone to stay with you.

If someone wants to leave, they’re going to find an excuse to leave. There’s a rock song that I like. I think it’s by a band called 38 Special. It’s called “Hold On Loosely” (if you want to have a long relationship).

There’s something kind of beautiful about that sentiment, I think. Hold on, but don’t hold on too tight. Hold on loosely.

Basically, you shouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

I think that I’m an example of someone who’s handled rejection fairly well because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. So if someone walks away from me, it’s like, “God bless and be on your way.”

It might hurt, and there might be a real sense of pain and loss there, but ultimately, choose someone who chooses you. That’s been the philosophy that I’ve lived by and it has served me very well.

That said, if your partner is struggling with retroactive jealousy, one thing you can do is to stay present. Try not to entertain too many questions about your past, especially if he’s really poking and prodding and really being invasive and abusive. Don’t put up with any kind of that behavior, but really try to emphasize the fact that you want to live in the present.

You’re not interested in talking about your past. You’re not interested in reliving your past. Your past is your past. It’s over now. You want to be present with your partner. You want to build something in the present with your partner that’s meaningful and that’s better than what you had in the past.

If you’re telling me “my boyfriend hates my past,” I would also say give your boyfriend the necessary space and time to heal.

So if they’re serious about wanting to overcome retroactive jealousy, and they’re serious about wanting to take back the power, take control, and really move on with their life, they’re going to need some space and some time apart from you.

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0min
May 17, 2020 “My Boyfriend’s Past Bothers Me:” Dealing With ‘Triggers’ Q & A [VIDEO]

“My boyfriend’s past bothers me” is a recurring opening line in emails I receive.

In today’s reader Q and A video, I respond to Jasmin, who writes “my boyfriend’s past bothers me.”

She continues:

I bought and read your guidebook, and have gone into the website. Thank you for helping me through retroactive jealousy concerning the fact that my boyfriend’s past bothers me. My issue is that when I see mementos of my boyfriend’s past relationship with his ex, I feel very bad afterward. The problem is that I keep finding things left over from when his girlfriend lived with him. My boyfriend’s past bothers me and I do not know how to combat seeing these “triggers” so often.

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: Thank you for your message, Jasmine. This general theme of being bothered by objects around your partner’s house or objects from his past, this is pretty common when it comes to retroactive jealousy. So you’re certainly not alone in struggling with this kind of thing.

I think there are a few ways that you can approach this. A few ways you could look at this issue, start putting in the work to overcome retroactive jealousy. When you’re at a point where your boyfriend’s past is just not a big deal anymore, you’re starting to see things clearly. The mental movies have started to disappear. The curiosity starts to fade. You start feeling great again, and your relationship improves and you’re sleeping better. And, all these things that we associate with retroactive jealousy with overcoming retroactive jealousy–once that process starts happening. These objects and their association with your boyfriend’s past starts to not become important anymore.

You might notice objects lying around the house or a certain object that has real meaning associated with your partner’s past and you just stop thinking about it. It’s just not a really big deal anymore.

So my biggest piece of advice is just start putting in the work toward overcoming retroactive jealousy.

And this problem will kind of take care of itself.

But in the meantime, another thing that you can think about is changing the story you’re telling yourself about these objects, trying to change the meaning they have in your life and in your partner’s life.

So for example, if there’s a kitchen table that you’ve associated with your partner’s past, maybe you and your partner can have some fun, get a bit wild and crazy on that table so you’re changing the meaning of that table, you’re associating a new, really positive memory with this object that will hopefully override any association that this object might have with your boyfriend’s past.

You can do this with clothes. If there’s a certain piece of clothing that you’ve associated with your partner’s past, maybe you start wearing it or … You can get creative with this. But the basic idea is just to try to start changing the memories you have associated with these items, creating new memories, creating new mental associations, and changing the overall story that you’re telling yourself about these items.

Remembering that they’re just items. They’re not living. Don’t have a memory.

They’re completely inanimate and you can create a new story around these items and change their m...
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7min
May 16, 2020 How To Accept The Past of Your Partner: Is It a Deal-Breaker? [VIDEO]

How to accept the past of your partner? It isn’t always easy…

In today’s reader Q and A video, I wanted to offer a few thoughts on how to accept the past of your partner, and how you can approach the question:

Am I dealing with retroactive jealousy concerning my partner’s past, or a genuine conflict in values?

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: The question I want to address in today’s video is one that I get very, very frequently.

They put the question to me in different ways, but basically, the question is, “How to accept the past of my partner? Am I dealing with retroactive jealousy?” Or, “are my partner’s values and my values incompatible?”

In other words, these people are basically asking me, am I dealing with irrational jealousy, or should I leave my partner? Is there a fundamental deal breaker issue here that I should be taking note of? And does this deal breaker issue mean that I should break up with them?

How to accept the past of your partner?

Now, obviously, we’re all going to have to arrive at different answers to this question.

If you’re grappling with this question now, it’s really a very personal choice, but one thing I’ll suggest is I wrote a long article on this topic. I also made a video about it.

In addition to having a look at that video, I want to address one issue, or one idea that I think might be helpful to you as you make this decision.

Basically, the idea that I want you to consider as you grapple with how to accept the past of your partner is remembering that there’s no such thing as perfection in a person, or in a relationship.

Basically, what I’m saying is there’s always going to be something about your partner or perhaps your partners past that doesn’t sit quite right, or isn’t your favorite thing to think about, or you don’t love it.

We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all made bad choices in love, in sex, in dating.

It’s hard to be a modern human.

The modern sexual marketplace is really complicated. We all have baggage. We’ve all made mistakes, and looking for perfection, looking for someone who their past is a hundred percent squeaky clean. You tell yourself, “Oh, if they just had a clean past.”

Or, for example, the most common example, I get a lot of guys emailing me who basically want a virgin. They think, “If I’m going to be in a relationship with a woman, I want to be with a virgin.” Okay, fine. Let’s play that out for a minute. Let’s say you find your virgin, your mythical virginal woman. Who’s to say in a year, or two, or three of marriage she won’t get bored?

She’s watching television, she’s watching movies, she’s realizing that the modern woman, or many modern women in society have a range of relationships before they settle down. So maybe she leaves you, and she divorces you, and she goes off to have these experiences that she didn’t have before she met you.

There are a million and one examples like that if you scroll around online enough, and what’s more when you’re grappling with this question of values, and what’s important to you in a relationship, and should you leave your partner, try to focus on what is most important.
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7min

FAQs about The Zachary Stockill Podcast:

How many episodes does The Zachary Stockill Podcast have?

The podcast currently has 376 episodes available.

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