“Help! My boyfriend hates my past!”

Today’s reader question comes from Michelle, who writes “my boyfriend hates my past.” She continues:

My boyfriend really wants to break up with me because he can not get over my past. How can I make him understand me?

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: Thanks for your email, Michelle.

This is a little heartbreaking. I get this kind of email way too often from the partners of retroactive jealousy sufferers who are often trying desperately to hold on to their relationship.

They’re looking to me for answers in terms of what they can do to support their partner as they work to overcome retroactive jealousy, and how they can keep their relationship.

So, first off, I’ve written in-depth articles on this topic. You can have a look at that. If you’re the partner of someone struggling with retroactive jealousy, I think you’ll find that valuable.

But other than that, you should never have to convince someone to stay with you.

If someone wants to leave, they’re going to find an excuse to leave. There’s a rock song that I like. I think it’s by a band called 38 Special. It’s called “Hold On Loosely” (if you want to have a long relationship).

There’s something kind of beautiful about that sentiment, I think. Hold on, but don’t hold on too tight. Hold on loosely.

Basically, you shouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

I think that I’m an example of someone who’s handled rejection fairly well because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. So if someone walks away from me, it’s like, “God bless and be on your way.”

It might hurt, and there might be a real sense of pain and loss there, but ultimately, choose someone who chooses you. That’s been the philosophy that I’ve lived by and it has served me very well.

That said, if your partner is struggling with retroactive jealousy, one thing you can do is to stay present. Try not to entertain too many questions about your past, especially if he’s really poking and prodding and really being invasive and abusive. Don’t put up with any kind of that behavior, but really try to emphasize the fact that you want to live in the present.

You’re not interested in talking about your past. You’re not interested in reliving your past. Your past is your past. It’s over now. You want to be present with your partner. You want to build something in the present with your partner that’s meaningful and that’s better than what you had in the past.

If you’re telling me “my boyfriend hates my past,” I would also say give your boyfriend the necessary space and time to heal.

So if they’re serious about wanting to overcome retroactive jealousy, and they’re serious about wanting to take back the power, take control, and really move on with their life, they’re going to need some space and some time apart from you.