Today’s reader question comes from Benjamin, who can’t stand the fact that his girlfriend had lots of partners in the past.

Benjamin writes “my girlfriend had lots of partners:”

How do you get over the fact that your girlfriend actively went out to look for sex and nothing else before she met you? How do you become alright with that?

Transcript below

Zachary Stockill: To start with, I want to read a passage from a book by Dr. Chris Ryan and Dr. Cacilda Jethá, called Sex at Dawn.

Despite repeated assurances that women aren’t particularly sexual creatures, in cultures around the world, men have gone to extraordinary lengths to control female libido. Female genital mutilation, head to toe chadors. Medieval witch burnings, chastity belts, suffocating corsets, muttered insults about insatiable whores, pathologizing, paternalistic medical diagnoses of nymphomania or hysteria, the debilitating scorn heaped on any female who chooses to be generous with their sexuality… all parts of a worldwide campaign to keep the supposedly low-key female libido under control. Why the electrified high-security-razor-wire fence to contain a kitty-cat?

This passage from Sex at Dawn gets to the heart of your question, I think.

And I could spend an hour or two or three, explaining my response to this question. We’re getting into deep waters here.

I think any man who struggles with the fact that his girlfriend had lots of partners–and I sure as hell did once upon a time– The answer lies in gaining a greater understanding and appreciation for female sexuality. Gaining a greater understanding of women. Gaining a greater understanding of sex and relationship dynamics, and the actual biology of sex. Not looking at female sexuality as something to be controlled or something to be owned.

I want to make it clear that I’m not one of these people who say that there are no differences between men and women.

Anyone who’s listened to my podcast is well aware of the fact that I have a real interest in tantra and tantric yoga. And, tantric sexuality.

And tantra, to a large extent, is about highlighting the differences between men and women, between the masculine and the feminine, playing with sexual polarity, all that good stuff, which is a lot of fun and really valuable in the context of longterm relationships or sex and dating in general. So, there are differences between men and women, absolutely.

However, there are many more similarities between male and female sexuality, than there are differences.

And one of the similarities is that women can have extremely high sex drives.

The female libido can be very, very, very high. You’ll meet some women with a way higher libido than a lot of men.

So consider this: there’s a part of the female body, which as far as scientists know, has the sole purpose of facilitating sexual pleasure. So, anyone watching this, or most of you people, probably know that I’m talking about the clitoris. Scientists still don’t know the real purpose of the clitoris, beyond facilitating female sexual pleasure. Guys don’t have that. And I think that should tell you something right there.

And let me tell you, when you meet a woman and she’s free of sexual judgment, and she’s free of sexual shame,