Struggling with a boyfriend’s past isn’t fun.

Letting go of intrusive thoughts about your boyfriend’s past, and overcoming retroactive jealousy is a massive topic (I’ve built a website, wrote a book, and designed an entire online course around it).

There’s a lot for me to get into, here.

But in the early stages of overcoming retroactive jealousy, if you wonder how to deal with your bf’s past, then you would do well to keep the following principles in mind.

**Video transcript below**

Of course, accepting these principles is easier said than done, but I believe it is essential for your healing and as a first step toward overcoming retroactive jealousy for good.

1.) Your boyfriend’s past made him who he is today.

Before you groan, hear me out:

If any aspect of your boyfriend’s past was different, he would be a completely different human being.

Pause and consider that for a moment.

And what’s more: if your boyfriend was a different human being, you might not be attracted to him at all.

I’m serious.

To a certain extent, we are all a compilation of our past experiences, good and bad. We are all informed and influenced by our past experiences. Before saying  “my boyfriend’s past makes me sick”, think about yours, is it perfect?

And thus, if we generally like who we are today, and others seem to like us as well, we should be grateful for those experiences, good and bad.

This does not mean we should repeat our mistakes and indiscretions from our past–but merely, to look at them as teachers.

Some teachers are harsh but fair. Others are cruel, yet effective. Although the way they convey messages might leave something to be desired, they still taught us something. Often, something very important.

Many of the darker episodes from your past–or your boyfriend’s past–can be viewed the same way.

There may be certain elements of your boyfriend’s past which you don’t like. But as long as your boyfriend’s values and your values don’t contradict each other, what are you really worrying about here?

Retroactive jealousy is usually based on insecurity. Take a long look in the mirror the next time you have the instinct to go snooping into your boyfriend’s past.

2.) When we date someone, we take the good with the bad.

Same with your boyfriend’s past. Maybe the answer to “How to deal with your bf’s past?” is not to deal at all. 

This is an idea I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

Because I’m a straight guy, and it would be a bit odd to write about my “boyfriend’s past,” let’s pretend I’m struggling with my girlfriend’s past–or present, for that matter.

Let’s say I’m threatened by my girlfriend’s sexy exes.

Let’s say one of them is a bodybuilding multi-millionaire with three yachts in his backyard. Let’s say another is an Academy Award winning actor who tends to attract women like moths to a flame.

And let’s also say that my girlfriend is funny, gregarious, outgoing, independent-minded, warm, and loving.

Struggling with your girlfriend’s past isn’t easy.

“My girlfriend’s past disgusts me” is a common thought in your head. And if you’ve spent any amount of time trawling Google for answers on how to accept the past of your partner, you’ve likely come across a lot of varied advice.

**Video transcript below**

On one hand, there are the online commenters who say that any guy who struggles with any girlfriend’s past is a hypocrite, misogynist, sexist pig who “doesn’t deserve her.”

There is the opposite end of the extremist crowd whose members proclaim that any man who struggles with any girlfriend’s past is probably justified. That women can’t be trusted. And, any feeling of unease surrounding a girlfriend’s past is enough of a “red flag”. That the man in question should get out of the relationship.

When you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy (ie. unease or anxiety surrounding a partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history), good advice can be hard to come by.

When it comes to this particular issue, finding compassion, understanding, empathy is rare.

I know—I’ve been there.

This article is aimed at men who are in the early stages of getting over ex-girlfriends or current girlfriends. Perhaps you’re one of them.

Maybe a recent conversation with your girlfriend or a bit of social media stalking is beginning to freak you out a little about your girlfriend’s past.

So, if you’re unsure of “what to think” about your girlfriend’s past, what it says about who she is, how to stop thoughts like “I hate my girlfriend”, whether or not your girlfriend shares your values, and whether or not what you’re experiencing is “normal,” I’d like to offer you a seven-step plan consisting of practical steps and perspectives you can start experimenting with immediately.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and some people have called me the “public face” of retroactive jealousy.

I even wrote about struggling with my girlfriend’s past for the front page of BBC News.

After fielding thousands of emails from men concerning retroactive jealousy, this is my retroactive jealousy “starter kit” if you’re struggling with your girlfriend’s past:

It’s important to note that there is a lot more for me to cover here but, for now at least, this should give you something to get started.

(This is a bit of a lengthy one, so buckle up…)

Step 1) Acknowledge that this is your problem, not your girlfriend’s.

I’m not saying that your girlfriend’s past isn’t a “deal-breaker.” I’m not saying her values are necessarily compatible with yours. And I’m certainly not saying that, no matter what, you should stay with her. That’s your call, and anyway, I have no idea.

What I am suggesting is that you need to own this problem.

This problem does not belong to your girlfriend—your girlfriend’s past is her right, it belongs to her, and she can’t change it. Thinking “I hate my girlfriend for her past”, is not a solution. Either you can deal with this and move forward. Or you can’t, in which case you owe it to her to end the relationship so she can find another man who feels differently.

Nothing wrong with either one of those choices.

What is not an option is for you to have one foot in, one foot out of the relationship, hanging around hesitantly, almost reluctantly, “punishing” your girlfriend for her past.

Although certain types of retroactive jealousy are surprisingly common, the overwhelming majority of the global population has never encountered the term “retroactive jealousy.”

Someone at a party asks what I’m working on, and I’m consistently met with a confused “Huh?” when I bring it up. There might be three different types of retroactive jealousy, but most people haven’t heard of any of them.

Even those of us who become familiar with the term “retroactive jealousy” are often unclear about exactly what it means, or what it’s referring to.

It’s a broad term, and it can mean many different things. Thus, I wanted to put together an article/video outlining the three main types of retroactive jealousy, as I see them.

The Three Types of Retroactive Jealousy

(Video transcript below)

If you’re currently struggling with any of the below types of retroactive jealousy, this article will help you determine where you fit on the retroactive jealousy “scale,”. Offer a bit of insight into what you can start doing to feel better.

It’s essential to also note that you may be experiencing two of these types of RJ at the same time.

It’s important for me to be clear that this is not some kind of medical, scientific definition. And this is certainly no substitute for a professional clinical diagnosis of any type.

I’ve simply arrived at these categorizations after going through thousands of emails from people detailing their experiences of retroactive jealousy. And as I see it, these experiences fit into three different, though closely related categories.

Type 1: Moderate Retroactive Jealousy

If they’re being honest with you, most people in intimate relationships will tell you that they don’t love thinking about their partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history. No shock there.

Falling in love and committing to someone can feel blissful. At times dark and painful acid trip for the brain. There is no more potent drug on the planet than the oxytocin our brain releases as we fall in love.

Thus, thinking about the person we love with someone else, in the past, present, or future, is unpleasant. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes painful. Often, we want the person we love all to ourselves, past, present, and future.

If like many people around the world, you’re dealing with some kind of mild, you won’t care about your partner’s past a whole lot. Do some reading, talk to friends, and explore some new, liberating, non-possessive perspectives on love and relationships.

In the near future, you may even find that you’ve become more interested than put off by your partner’s past. Curious to learn about their past relationships in order to learn about their growth and development as a human being. This is the trajectory many people experience.

It’s also interesting to note that there are many people around the world in loving, intimate relationships who don’t experience this type of jealousy at all.

There is also persuasive biological evidence that suggests that humans are not as hard-wired for monogamy, and this type of jealousy, as we sometimes tell ourselves we are. But that’s another discussion altogether…

The bottom line is this: it’s not a huge deal if you don’t love the thought of your partner being intimate with another person, past, present, or future. The majority of the people in relationships on our planet feel similarly about their own partners. Learn to work their way through it without too much anguish or effort.

However, things get more complicated if the question of your partner’s values enters the picture, which brings us to…

Type 2: Values-Based Retroactive Jealousy

It’s perfectly understandable if you don’t love the thought ...

Are thoughts of your boyfriend’s ex keeping you up at night?

Is there a part of you worried about your boyfriend’s ex, and threatened by their relationship?

Worried that your boyfriend might be “settling” for you?

(Transcript below)

When you think of the word “settling,” what comes to mind?

“Settling down?”

“Settling for someone?”

“Settling in?”

What?

When I hear the word “settling,” I cringe.

To me, “settling” in the context of relationships implies a choice to be OK with OK. To “settle” for mediocrity. To “settle” for someone who isn’t worthy of you. And, to rob someone else of the chance to be with someone who’s a better fit for them.

The phrase “settling down” might be even worse. I don’t ever want to “settle down.” There may be marriage, kids, etc. in my future, but you won’t ever catch me using that expression in conversation, even if I have the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, minivan and all the rest some day.

Maybe I’m just a strange guy OK, I’m definitely a strange guy, but the word “settled” is too limp, too uninspiring for me.

I have another question for you…

Would you ever “settle” for someone who is “settling” for you?

Would you choose to commit to someone who doesn’t see you as the absolute best fit for them?

Would you be OK with being someone’s “second choice” for a partner?

Maybe I’m not so strange after all, because I think most of us don’t want to “settle,” or for others to “settle” for us.

Most people don’t “downgrade” when they seek a new romantic partner. Most of us (hopefully) are growing into better, more self-aware people with each passing day. Thus, it logically follows that when we seek a new partner what we really want to do is “upgrade”–or, in other words, find someone better suited to us.

This is not to suggest that the dating pool is a rigid hierarchy of people who are “better” or “worse” than each other, but that we’re all perfectly-flawed individuals who are really good for some people, and really bad for others.

Example: I don’t think George Clooney is “better” than me. Though is he a better fit for his new wife? Probably. (Though in my defence, Amal has never met me…)

This is not me being arrogant. I truly believe that I would be a better match for a lot of women than George Clooney. And I think, once they got to know both me and George, many women would agree, even if, on paper, George has many advantages that I, on paper, don’t.

So why do I bring this up?

A reader sent me an email concerning retroactive jealousy recently that I’ve received, in different forms from different people, many times before.

Nora from the US writes:

Hi Zachary,

I have somewhat of a juvenile question, but please hear me out.

What do you do if your boyfriend’s ex is actually “better” than you – better looking, more successful, highly intelligent, wealthier, etc.?

I know existentially none of us is more important to humanity than the next person.

But let’s say, for example, my partner’s ex was some beautiful model. Empirically speaking, most people would say she was better looking than me.

How could I compete with that? And how could I not be overwhelmed with insecurity about that?

Thanks!

Thanks for your letter, Nora. This isn’t a “juvenile” question. It’s an important question.

When people ask me the question “Is retroactive jealousy OCD a form of obsessive compulsive disorder?” I generally try to steer the conversation toward possible solutions, rather than discussing theory.

I do this because I think giving retroactive jealousy OCD an intimidating label such as “OCD” makes it seem bigger, scarier, and harder to overcome.

I’ve tried to avoid this as much as possible when writing for this blog, as well as in my guidebook and video course because I want you to see your retroactive jealousy for what it really is: something you can indeed overcome. Not some “disorder” you might have to “live with” indefinitely.

Still, there are a number of tactics and techniques we can borrow from the literature on OCD to help us regain control over our brains, and break free from the cycle of obsessive jealous thoughts associated with retroactive jealousy OCD.

Watch the video:

(Transcript below)

Whether or not you consider them “one in the same,” it’s clear that OCD and most experiences of RJ have a great deal in common.

I have received numerous detailed emails from RJ sufferers over the years. Over time it has become clearer and clearer to me that many, if not most experiences of retroactive jealousy include symptoms that we can classify as falling under the label of OCD.

Here’s an example of a destructive thought cycle associated with retroactive jealousy OCD:

(Note: I borrowed this diagram from GetSelfHelp.co.uk)

Keeping the above diagram in mind, let’s do a few substitutions to reflect the typical experience of retroactive jealousy OCD:

INTRUSIVE THOUGHT: girlfriend prefers her ex-boyfriend to me

leads to

ANXIETY: vivid “mental movies” of my girlfriend and her ex together, followed by feelings of nausea, physical unease

leads to

COMPULSION: bringing up the topic of her ex-boyfriend in conversation, looking for her to reassure me that I’m better in bed, and an all-around better match for her

leads to

(Emphasis on short-term) RELIEF: I feel better for an evening, or a half hour, until the same jealous thoughts return, and the cycle repeats itself.

As you can see…

There is no lasting relief to be found in this process.

None.

Einstein defined insanity as “repeating the same process over and over and expecting different results,” and unfortunately this is what many sufferers of retroactive jealousy do.

We look to our partners to give us an ultimate reassurance that we really are the best for them, and they’re “over” their past relationships.

However, no matter what, or how often our partners tell us, it’s never enough.

It might take a day, it might take an hour, but sooner or later our retroactive jealousy OCD thoughts and anxiety return, and we’re looking for even more reassurance.

However, there are ways to overcome your retroactive jealousy.

The first thing you can do is to stop talking to their partner about their past.

Partner suffers from retroactive jealousy? You are not alone.

If your partner suffers from retroactive jealousy, you might feel frustrated, stuck, even exhausted.

I know this because over the years I’ve received hundreds of emails from the partners of retroactive jealousy sufferers.

Typically, their letters go something like this:

My partner suffers from retroactive jealousy. I’m so glad that he/she found your website, and bought your book/took your course. My partner is finding it very helpful.

I want to support my partner as s/he progresses through your program. Do you have any advice for me?

If your partner suffers from retroactive jealousy I have an important note for you:

If you’re here because you think your partner suffers from retroactive jealousy and hasn’t gotten help yet, encourage them to sign up for my free mini-course.

Unfortunately, they won’t get better until they commit to getting better. But hopefully, the course will help.

Watch the video:

(Video transcript below)

I’ve often felt hesitant to offer advice to people whose partner suffers from retroactive jealousy due to the fact that

a) It is always the sufferer’s problem, not their partner’s, and

b) I never had a partner who suffers from retroactive jealousy.

It has taken me a long time to collect my thoughts on this topic and sit down to write this post. I hope you find it useful.

Without further ado, please consider the following if your partner suffers from retroactive jealousy:

1.) If your partner suffers from retroactive jealousy, you values may, in fact, be incompatible with your partner’s.

It’s definitely not absolutely certain, but it’s possible.

Some sufferers of retroactive jealousy eventually discover that their values are genuinely incompatible with those of their partner. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes, once the initial passions have subsided and the ability to think clearly returns, sufferers of retroactive jealousy realize that their partner’s past is actually a “deal-breaker,” or whatever you’d like to call it. This may be a result of conflicting religious or moral values, or simply differing relationship priorities. If your partner comes to the conclusion that they simply cannot deal with your past, try to look past the pain and see the situation for what it truly is: you just got saved several more months (or even years) of heartache and pain. And the relationship would have absolutely dissolved sooner or later.

More often than not, however, your partner’s jealousy and struggles with your past are delusional and the product of an emotional disorder, rather than genuine moral incompatibility.

And more often than not, after discovering this website, reading my book or watching my videos, and putting my plan into action,