Struggling with your girlfriend’s past isn’t easy.

“My girlfriend’s past disgusts me” is a common thought in your head. And if you’ve spent any amount of time trawling Google for answers on how to accept the past of your partner, you’ve likely come across a lot of varied advice.

**Video transcript below**

On one hand, there are the online commenters who say that any guy who struggles with any girlfriend’s past is a hypocrite, misogynist, sexist pig who “doesn’t deserve her.”

There is the opposite end of the extremist crowd whose members proclaim that any man who struggles with any girlfriend’s past is probably justified. That women can’t be trusted. And, any feeling of unease surrounding a girlfriend’s past is enough of a “red flag”. That the man in question should get out of the relationship.

When you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy (ie. unease or anxiety surrounding a partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history), good advice can be hard to come by.

When it comes to this particular issue, finding compassion, understanding, empathy is rare.

I know—I’ve been there.

This article is aimed at men who are in the early stages of getting over ex-girlfriends or current girlfriends. Perhaps you’re one of them.

Maybe a recent conversation with your girlfriend or a bit of social media stalking is beginning to freak you out a little about your girlfriend’s past.

So, if you’re unsure of “what to think” about your girlfriend’s past, what it says about who she is, how to stop thoughts like “I hate my girlfriend”, whether or not your girlfriend shares your values, and whether or not what you’re experiencing is “normal,” I’d like to offer you a seven-step plan consisting of practical steps and perspectives you can start experimenting with immediately.

My name is Zachary Stockill, and some people have called me the “public face” of retroactive jealousy.

I even wrote about struggling with my girlfriend’s past for the front page of BBC News.

After fielding thousands of emails from men concerning retroactive jealousy, this is my retroactive jealousy “starter kit” if you’re struggling with your girlfriend’s past:

It’s important to note that there is a lot more for me to cover here but, for now at least, this should give you something to get started.

(This is a bit of a lengthy one, so buckle up…)

Step 1) Acknowledge that this is your problem, not your girlfriend’s.

I’m not saying that your girlfriend’s past isn’t a “deal-breaker.” I’m not saying her values are necessarily compatible with yours. And I’m certainly not saying that, no matter what, you should stay with her. That’s your call, and anyway, I have no idea.

What I am suggesting is that you need to own this problem.

This problem does not belong to your girlfriend—your girlfriend’s past is her right, it belongs to her, and she can’t change it. Thinking “I hate my girlfriend for her past”, is not a solution. Either you can deal with this and move forward. Or you can’t, in which case you owe it to her to end the relationship so she can find another man who feels differently.

Nothing wrong with either one of those choices.

What is not an option is for you to have one foot in, one foot out of the relationship, hanging around hesitantly, almost reluctantly, “punishing” your girlfriend for her past.