Ashley Kelsch

I just wrapped up a Substack Live with Allison Deraney and I wanted to make sure you didn’t miss it.

We talked about quitting drinking in midlife, why so many of us become seekers of self-help and personal growth, and what we’re really searching for underneath all of it.

We also got into one of my favorite conversations: the stories women inherited about desire as they age. We’re told that sex fades, that desire is only about sex, and that wanting less is simply part of getting older. But what if none of that is true? What if desire is about so much more than sex? What if it’s the life force that fuels our our capacity to feel fully alive and it’s finally coming online?

Whether you’ve quit drinking years ago, you’re questioning your relationship with it now, or you’re simply interested in what it means to come back to yourself, I think you’ll find something in this conversation.

I hope you’ll give it a listen.

hi again!

I know, you’re hearing from me on Substack. I’ll get to that in a second.

but first…

This live video was a bit of experiment that frankly, went off the rails when I thought my Dad was watching. It turns out I have zero problem talking about sexual desire and pleasure practices UNTIL I think my Dad is listening.

I’ve already decided I am going to do a follow up so I can expand on

* desire and sexual drives shifting

* how some of us may feel like we are losing our identities

* and that maybe all of that is okay

* plus the practices that have brought a sense of peace to all it for me

Consider this video a pilot… or a preview of what’s to come :)

Speaking of…

This Friday at Noon, I will be going live with Allison Deraney of DARE TO BE to discuss being seekers of self help and personal development or, as I like to call it, self help sluts. We will also be talking about sobriety, desire and midlife. I think you should join us.

Next month I will be going live with Romi of BREATHE MIJA who has been sharing her story on Substack and quickly rose to the TOP 10 in the literary department. It’s that good!

See you Friday!

xo

ash

Nobody taught us how to feel. Only how not to.

Most of us learned early that certain emotions weren’t welcome — not in public, not in relationships, sometimes not even alone. So we got very good at managing. Reaching for something to take the edge off. Keeping the lid on whatever was building underneath.

This episode is about what’s actually under there. And what happens when you stop trying to keep the lid on and let it move through instead.

Jealousy. Grief. Rage. Disappointment. The feelings we were told made us hysterical, crazy, too much. Turns out they were just incomplete.

I recorded this in 2023. I’m putting it back out because everything I’m building now grew from what’s in here — the idea that a body that learns to feel everything becomes a body that needs to escape nothing.

In this episode:

* Full catastrophe mode. What it is and why some of us live there

* The NOW practice: Name it, Open to it, Watch it; a body-based framework for processing emotion in real time

* Swamping: a practice from Mama Gena for moving emotion through the body completely, including what it looked like the night I used it

* What a 20-mile run in Taos taught me about grief I didn’t know I was still carrying

* Why pleasure and self-touch are part of how the emotional cycle actually completes

If you’ve been holding something for a long time and you’re ready to stop — this one is for you.

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Something I keep noticing about midlife women: we keep calling it exhaustion when it’s actually something else entirely.

The women I work with aren’t running out of energy. They’re running companies, raising children, managing households, taking care of aging parents, showing up for everyone who depends on them. That’s not depletion. That’s misdirection.

In this episode I’m talking about the difference between life force, eros, and aliveness, and why so many women find themselves reaching outside themselves for something that was never actually out there.

In this episode:

* The direction problem: why desire goes underground, not away

* The double bind: what happens when you spend decades getting good at everyone else’s needs and forgetting your own

* What it actually looks like when desire goes dormant: the dance class that never happens, the trip that never gets booked, the question you can’t answer

* Why pleasure isn’t indulgence. It’s information.

* Why midlife, as disorienting as it feels, might actually be the moment desire finally gets loud enough to hear

If you’ve been feeling that low hum of something missing, this one’s for you.

This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Ever look around and think, “I can’t believe this is my life”?

You’re not failing—you’re human, and midlife has a way of making even the most accomplished among us question everything.

Today on Unfucking Midlife, I am digging into the shame, comparison, and identity shifts that hit hard in midlife—and how to flip the script, understand what’s really happening in your brain and body, and turn “Is this it?” into “How can I make this matter?”

In This Episode:

What You’ll Discover:

* The shame spiral: Feeling embarrassed about where you are and why you’re not alone

* Gap vs Gain thinking: Dan Sullivan and Dr. Hardy’s powerful framework that changes everything

* Momentum vs milestones: The difference between busy work and meaningful progress

* Professional identity shifts: From “I used to be somebody” to “I’m becoming someone new”

* The Hedonic Horizon: Why happiness keeps moving and how to keep up

* Ownership without blame: Forgiving your past choices and reclaiming your power

* Starting over as a beginner: Why curiosity is your midlife superpower

The Real Cost of Staying Stuck

* How constant comparison and “gap thinking” trigger stress and anxiety

* Why social media makes it harder to feel content

* What chasing outdated identities does to your confidence and energy

Practical Tools You Can Use Today

* Gain inventory: Write down three things you learned, one problem you solved each week

* Ownership mantra: “I made the best decision I could with what I knew then”

* Aligned action: One small step this week toward what actually matters

* Time audit questions: “Is this serving me? Do I really want this? Is this current or outdated?”

Key Quotes:

* “Who decided by 50 you should have the dream career, perfect marriage, ideal body, and financial security? Show me this person—I have questions.”

* “Midlife isn’t a decline—it’s a recalibration. You’re not running out of time; you’re running out of patience for what doesn’t matter.”

* “Your best decisions were made with the tools and capacity you had then. Forgive yourself and move forward.”

Share This Episode

If this episode hits home, share it. Send it to a friend who’s questioning everything in midlife, post it to your stories, or bring it up in your group text. There’s a message here someone you know needs to hear.

Listen or Watch:

You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch the full episode on YouTube.

Subscribe to my channel for the video version of every episode plus bonus content.

Today’s Episode is Supported By: MOON JUICE

One thing that’s been supporting me lately is making calm an AM/PM ritual.

In the morning, I take Moon Juice’s SuperYou—an adaptogen blend shown to help regulate cortisol, boost energy, and steady mood.

At night, I wind down with Magnesi-Om—a magnesium powder with three essential magnesiums plus L-theanine to restore balance and ease me into rest.

👉 Explore Moon Juice Supplements → Here

*Full disclosure: this is an affiliate link, which means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through it. I only share what I actually use and love—and right now, these two are part of my daily calm ritual.*

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Sometimes it takes reaching midlife to finally understand what you actually want in the bedroom. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Holly Richmond, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, for an incredibly honest conversation about the sexual awakening happening for women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond.

We dive deep into why Gen X women are reportedly having the best sex of their lives, the role hormones play in desire, and how authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness in midlife. This isn't just about having better sex—it's about reclaiming pleasure, understanding your body's changes, and showing up as who you really are.

In This Episode:

The Midlife Sexual Awakening:

* Why women in their 40s and 50s are experiencing unprecedented sexual confidence

* How authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness

* The difference between desire (psychological wanting) and arousal (physiological response)

The Hormone Factor:

* Why that flawed study 30 years ago scared women away from HRT

* How declining estrogen and testosterone affect libido during menopause

* Getting hormone levels checked every 6 months (and pushing back when doctors dismiss you)

Relationship Dynamics That Actually Matter:

* The crucial question: "Are you having sex worth wanting?"

* Why it's now 50/50 whether the man or woman is the higher-desire partner

* Leading with curiosity when introducing new elements

* Navigating performance anxiety and past trauma that surfaces

Practical Tools for Self-Discovery:

* Sexual template work: discovering what you find sexy through the five senses

* Creating "erotic flexibility" to prevent habituation

* Why you might need toys now (and why that's completely normal)

Dating After Divorce:

* How past trauma resurfaces with new partners

* The concept of "marrying your unfinished business"

* Why therapy support is crucial when re-entering the dating world

Key Quotes:

"Sexual wellness for women in midlife is a lot about authenticity. It's showing up as we really are."

"The more sex we have, the more sex we want. Sex is a muscle. If we don't use it, we lose it."

"Are you having sex worth wanting? We've been asking the wrong question for decades."

"We marry our unfinished business."

Resources Mentioned:

Books:

* "Reclaiming Pleasure" by Dr. Holly Richmond

* "The Upgrade" by Dr. Louann Brizendine

* "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix

* Various works by Emily Nagoski, Peggy Kleinplatz, and Esther Perel

Services:

* Dr. Holly's wellness retreats

https://sacredsurrendermedicine.com/women-survivors-retreat/

https://www.tandavaretreats.com/retreats/womens-sexual-trauma

* Work with Dr. Holly:

https://www.reclaimingyourpleasure.com/

Connect with Dr. Holly Richmond:

* Instagram:

* @drhollyrichmond

* Website:

https://drhollyrichmond.com/

Share This Episode: If this conversation opened your eyes to something new about midlife sexuality, please share it. Send it to that friend who's been struggling with desire changes, or post it in your stories. When you share these conversations, you're helping other women realize they're not alone in navigating the sexual changes that come with midlife.

Today's Episode is Supported By: As we're talking about sexual wellness and reclaiming pleasure in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative.

Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! Foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife Life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life.

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Sometimes it takes a pair of defective pants to reveal a pattern that's been hijacking my life for years. In this episode, I get brutally honest about the 10 distractions that used to completely derail my focus—and share the simple tools that finally helped me build mental "armadillo dividers" to stay in my lane.

From revenge emails to toxic friendships, business comparison obsessions to dating drama forensics, these everyday distractions seem normal because so many of us engage in them daily.

But they're costing us way more than we realize: our peace, our progress, and our power to create meaningful change.

In This Episode:

My 10 Biggest Hijacks (And Why They Don't Work Anymore):

* Dating and relationship drama - The forensic analysis of every text and emoji

* Phone gossip marathons - Hours of complaining without any progress

* Consumption spirals - The mental gymnastics around alcohol, food, and social media

* Business comparison obsession - Stalking other people's success stories

* Shiny object syndrome - Every new business idea feeling like "the one"

* Injustices of the world - Getting worked up about things beyond my control

* Going after people who wronged me - Building cases and scheming for justice

* Crafting the perfect revenge email - Hours writing emails I'd never send

* Toxic friendships - Relationships that enable drama instead of growth

* Spinning energy in all directions - Scattered effort that feels busy but isn't productive

The Real Cost

* How these distractions hijack more than time—they steal peace and progress

* Why the need to be "right" often makes you the one who loses

* The hidden price of staying stuck in these patterns for decades

4 Practical Solutions When Distractions Pop Up:

* Watch yourself and your mind - Notice when you're getting pulled into spirals

* Put it on paper - Bullet point (don't journal) for 5-10 minutes, then turn it over to the universe

* Honor feelings while obeying priorities - You can acknowledge upset AND get back to work

* Question what you're making it mean - Choose thoughts that serve you better

Key Quotes:

"I had to be right. I had to win. Not realizing that I'm actually the one losing—losing sight of myself, my time, and mostly my peace."

"These pants did show me this behavior that has not served me for decades. God knows that has cost me way more than the money I spent on these pants."

"Your mind does mature in midlife. It's not that we get smarter, it's that we stop wasting energy on things that don't move our lives forward."

"Is this moving me toward what I want or away from it? That's a very valuable question."

Share This Episode:

If this episode hit you right in the feels, do me a favor and share it. Send it to that friend who's constantly getting hijacked by drama, or post it in your stories and tell people why it resonated. When you share these conversations, you're helping other women realize they're not alone in getting distracted by life's everyday chaos.

Listen or Watch:

You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, press play on the audio above, or watch the full episode on YouTube below.

Prefer YouTube? Subscribe to my channel for the video version of every episode plus bonus content.

Today's Episode is Supported By:

As we're talking about reclaiming your energy and focus in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Sexual wellness is such an important part of unfucking midlife, and finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative.

Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! Foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife Life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life.

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

What if everything you've been told about midlife is completely backwards?

In this week's episode, I'm breaking down the biggest lie we've been sold about getting older - and why your 40s might actually be when life REALLY begins.

In this episode:

* Why "midlife crisis" is outdated BS (call it midlife CLARITY instead)

* The 6 fears that get louder after 40 (and why you're finally equipped to handle them)

* Why your mind isn't ready for real success until midlife

* How to stop using your past as evidence against your future

* The midlife advantages you didn't have in your 20s

The truth: You're not having a breakdown. You're having a breakthrough. Your emotional regulation peaks in your 40s, your confidence stabilizes, and you finally have the pattern recognition to know what actually works.

Society tells us we're too late. Science proves we're right on time.

As we're talking about reclaiming your power and pleasure in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Sexual wellness is such an important part of Unfucking Midlife, and finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative.

Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off!

These are life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life. Whether you're dealing with dryness, discomfort, or just want to enhance your intimate experiences, these are the products I personally recommend and trust.

Referenced in this episode:

* My Substack post "I Had It All, Remember" (free to read)

* Reflection worksheet (available for paying subscribers)

Listen or watch: You can listen wherever you get your podcasts, press play on the audio above, or watch the full episode on YouTube below.

Prefer YouTube? Subscribe to my channel for the video version of every episode plus bonus content.

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

You think you’re just being funny when you say “I’m old.”But your cells don’t get the joke. They’re not rolling their eyes—they’re listening. And they’re responding.

Every time you trash-talk your age, your memory, your body, your energy level—your nervous system takes it as fact. Cortisol spikes. Inflammation rises. Cellular aging accelerates.

🧠 Thoughts trigger chemicals.🧬 Chemicals affect your cells.📉 And that becomes your health trajectory.

This week’s Unfucked in Under 10 breaks down the real biology behind why your words matter—especially in midlife—and how to unfuck the script you’ve been fed.

We’re not here to fake positivity.We’re here to interrupt the decline narrative and choose something more powerful.

Watch the full episode on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts.Then drop a comment and tell me—what’s one belief you’re ready to subtract from your life?

RELATED:

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Caught yourself saying "I'm old" lately? I have, and it's time we talk about why this seemingly innocent phrase might be stealing years from our lives.

In this week's episode of Unfucking Midlife, I'm getting real about the language we use about ourselves and how it's literally aging us faster. Research shows that women with positive beliefs about aging live an average of 7.5 years longer than those who don't. Let that sink in.

In this episode, I dive into:

* The shocking research on how self-talk affects longevity

* My personal story about being told I was "average" and how it shaped decades of limiting beliefs

* Why we're so uncomfortable when women speak confidently about themselves

* The exact language shifts that can add years to your life

* How to rewrite the scripts from your younger self that no longer serve you

I share the social media reel that stopped me in my tracks — a woman boldly declaring "I don't fuck with average" — and why her confidence initially made me uncomfortable. Then I get vulnerable about my own "average" story and how one person's well-meaning words programmed my thinking for decades.

The stories we tell our bodies today become the reality we live tomorrow. It's time to choose those stories more carefully.

Mentioned in this episode:

Foria Wellness (26% off): foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife

"The Wisdom of Menopause" by Dr. Christiane Northrup

Affiliate disclosure: I earn from qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you.

Watch the full episode here:

Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.