During the month of December I was laying in bed late night, scrolling my New Yorker magazine, when I came across an op-ed piece about the trending conversations around open marriage and polyamory. How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual non-monogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.
I, too, have noticed over the course of the last five years, that more people are open about being open. As opposed to before when people quietly shared with those they felt would keep their privacy or be interested in participating.
I’ve also noticed a series of personal paradigm shifts I’ve experienced over time in regards to the idea and practices.
There was a time that I would have said, that will never work.
Then there was a time when, as I witnessed more people telling me they were going to open up their relationship, I would wonder;
Is opening up a relationship the modern day ‘let’s have a baby’ attempt to save something that’s on its way out?
A band-aid for a bigger problem.
An opportunity to just fuck around.
Then there was a time - like a decades worth- at Teddies for Bettys where I heard about first hand encounters and experiences, (was asked for a lot of advice and had none to give) that I listened to, quite salaciously and couldn’t waiting for their next visit to find out what happened next. I. Was. Intrigued. and it wasn’t by the sex they were having.
It was more about the logistics, time and management. The mental and emotional bandwidth. All the people. I was tired for them.
Then there was the time I proposed to my partner the idea of us opening up our relationship. It was a naive request and I was ill prepared not only for what I was asking, but for the result of my asking.
I can see now how I offered it as a ‘solution’ to our already fragile relationship. please refer to the questions above in italics.
Then there was the time when I finally started to understand that life partnership and commitment is built on more than good sex.
THEN there was the time I realized, after being mostly single for a decade and dating, that I could identify with connecting emotionally with more than one person at a time; in being physical with more than one person; in sharing intimacy and parts of myself differently with one person vs another that I started asking the question:
Am I practicing polyamory, but as a single person? Is that a thing? Am I monogamish? An Ethical Slut?
I started to educate and inform myself on the practices and began applying them to my dating life.
But through all of my brains evolution and opening to the practice, there was one question that kept me a little curious, maybe even skeptical that I was unable to resolve within myself that I wanted answered;
What keeps two people together if they are not only seeing and sleeping with others, but in love with them as well? I remained a little skeptical.
Which brings us to the New Yorker piece…
Would the journalist behind this essay have the answers to my semi-closed-minded, inexperienced entry-level question? The short answer?
No.
But it did make mention of a new book called More; A Memoir of Open Marriage. A New York Times bestseller about a married mother of two children who, with her husband's encouragement, decides to embark on a journey of opening their marriage.
It’s funny now to write this, but after reading the review I briefly wondered if I should give it the book a read. There was this feeling of get it and at the same time, something pushed back against the idea.
I watched the two opposing thoughts arise:
maybe this is a practice I should work on opening my mind towards if I want to ‘spend my life’ with someone.
and
I’m personally not interested in being with or having more than one partner.
It was decided. I would not read it.
Less than a week later, a post came through from fellow Substack writer, Tolly Mosely of Submit Here She was introducing a series on non monogamous moms and was asking her readers for their experience -or opinion on- being non monogamous.
Without thinking I replied:
I never label(ed) myself and am not entirely sure if non monogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used; autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc when dating and in a relationship. All of which should be used regardless but people (subconsciously) resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.
What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.
When I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until they were out of the home, I was seen as selfish.
The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment. And envy from a lot of women.
I was personally able to overcome this, but still, it was not lost on me.
I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to experience and explore their sexuality, fear and so much more -it starts to take them down and they can’t understand why they don’t feel more excited, free and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple persons. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.
Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers specifically in our culture on what is acceptable vs not. One that I hope through my writing, work and example will get knocked down.
Not long after another post was published by Tolly. It was the start of her series and included my quote - along with the mention of her friend, Molly R Winter, the author of More.
Wait, What? Isn’t that the name of the woman from the New Yorker post? Who wrote the book… I quickly looked her up. It was.
I couldn’t help but lean into the nudge I was feeling from the universe. I went out and purchased the book.
A book I couldn’t put down; her dating life as a mother in her thirties was all too relatable.
TBH, I love reading educational content that provides data, history, maybe even some science, to inform me on how things work. BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE ARE MEMOIRS. I want to know the empirical data; I want to learn from someone else’s experience; how they survived the thing; an in depth look from top to bottom, back up and some added sideways perspective.
I had to talk to Molly.
I wanted to tell her how much I loved that she didn’t hold back talking about the sex she had.
And OMG! I felt all that anxiety and shame dating as a mother and a woman too!
But what I really wanted to know was…
What kept you and your husband together?
And from what I read, with her experience, she would know.
Molly’s answer to that question is absolute GOLD. Much of what she said is and can be applied to nearly any life or relational experience.
It’s exceptionally useful to apply to your dating and love life regardless of your current status; it’s low-key a self help book as Molly openly shares the inquiry and discovery process she went through with her therapist, mother, husband and others.
It’s a book about womanhood.
I high-key recommend you read it.
And of course, I insist you listen to our conversation.
Molly delivers wisdom left and right.
I’m still not interested in opening up my relationship ( most of you know how long it took me to be interested in the idea of partnership! 😂)
BUT I am no longer skeptical about why others do and what keeps them together.
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