Oh my goodness, I can't wait to speak to our guest today...I'm already crying (who's surprised?). Our guest Dottie Lawrence has touched my life, personally, by helping my daughter through a particularly difficult time in life and I really owe so much to her. Dottie, herself, experienced tremendous difficulties at a young age and was raised, in part, by a father who struggled with mental illness. It seems unexpected that those with such difficulties are able to heal and move on. However, as she became an educator in adulthood, Dottie found herself in a position where she had tools at her disposal to dig into her own past trauma. She dove deep to understand the the ways in which this trauma was showing up in her life, heal, and mend key personal relationships.  Now, she's even able to forge new relationships in a healthy and meaningful way.

She brought her passion for mindfulness to her role as a school administrator, creating a mindfulness program to enhance the well-being of students and strengthen their social and emotional skills as learners. And now, as a Lead Trainer for FuelEd Schools for 5 years, leads workshops with educators to provide them with the social and emotional skills essential for building relationships in schools with students and faculty.

Maybe you have had a relationship in your life that doesn't feel right or healthy. Have you ever asked yourself why you feel afraid to connect with people and hold friends and romantic or personal relationships at an arms distance, while you remain safe behind an invisible wall? Perhaps, you feel anxious that the party with whom you're in a relationship is about to leave at any moment and that they don't value you in the same way you do them? Have you ever thought about why you feel this way?

I just went out with a guy on probably 8-10 dates. We really connected, he actually knew how to carry on a conversation. However, I realized that each time we were together there was some thing he said or did that was a little triggering for me. The closer he tried to get and the more of my time he wanted, the more inclined I felt to pull away.

This experience has caused me to dig into my own past traumas and try to figure out why this has always been, frankly. Thank goodness we have Dottie here to help us unpack all of our shit! Dottie is the real deal. She holds a degree in Psychology and a Masters in Education. In our episode today, she will walk us through practicing social and emotional skills like showing empathy to others in difficult situations, Emotional Regulation and will help us to better understand Attachment Theory and how (and why) our attachment styles form.

Dottie has sooo much goodness to share in this episode including:

1. Understand our attachment style as the characteristic way in which you relate to others in your intimate relationships and is heavily influenced by the self-worth and interpersonal trust that was developed with your caregivers as a child. 
2. Move beyond attachment styles and begin to resolve the differences in approach by using empathy. When you change your dance steps, the other person is forced to change theirs and it can change and heal the relationship.
3. Leverage the "perspectrum" to identify the spectrum of things you can consider when you'e taking someone else's perspective and use the tool to evaluate your own thoughts and feelings and ask: What's the problem they're having? What do they need right now?What are they feeling? What's the story they're telling themselves?What do they value?
4. Use the 3-part "genuine statement" when communicating your needs with empathy: 1. identify and state the behaviors (when this happens), 2. call to light the impact of the behaviors (this is the impact on me) 3. State how it makes you feel (and this is how I feel). 
5. Avoid using empathy blockers: "Silver Lining", "Fixer-Upper", "Interrogating", "Discounting" and "Stealing the Thunder"

To find more from Dottie:

It's Not About the Nail Video

Book Recommendations

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. Van der Kolk

Atlas of the Hear: Mapping Meaningful Connecting and the Language of Human Experience by Brene Brown

What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry

IG Influencers

@the.holistic.psychologist

http://www.facebook.com/FuelEdSchools 

@fueledschools.org

So many of you reached out saying how much you liked our last guests core self quiz, that today, we're including a quiz for attachment styles. So, find the link in our show notes, take the quiz and leave us a review and let us know what YOUR attachment style is.

We'd love your help on the reviews because positive reviews and your participation are how we can keep this show going! So, if you're loving the Dear Midlife podcast, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you!

Please ensure that we are connected on social media and leave us a review letting us know what YOUR attachment style is!

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