When Our Adult Children Walk Away

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So often, people who love and support us are also in contact with or know our distancing or estranged adult child. I'm frequently asked whether it is "a good idea" or "will it work" to have one of these people talk to the adult child on the parent's behalf. 
I also hear stories about people taking it upon themselves to  approach an adult child without the parent's involvement—to defend us, advocate for us, or encourage our adult children to "stop the madness." 
The third scenario related to this topic involves parents recruiting, encouraging or requesting that a friend or family member approach their estranged child to advocate on their behalf. 
Regardless of who, how or why people advocate for us, after a time, these efforts often end in more sadness and disappointment for the parent. 
So, how can we make sense of it when advocacy for the parents does not bring the intended outcomes?
In this episode, I explore these three scenarios from the adult child's perspective. You'll hear some strategies for navigating all three, and I'll explain why ensuring a clear and direct path for communication between the adult child and estranged parent becomes essential.
This episode explores this topic in more depth. For a quick overview, check out the (Short) episode with the same title.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

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Adult children involved in estrangement often use specific terms and phrases to articulate their feelings and experiences. Newly estranged parents must understand and adopt these terms in today's context to fully grasp what their adult child tells them. 

It is not unusual for parents to become frustrated and feel imposed upon when they learn the new definitions and meanings of words and phrases. It may be helpful to know that the overuse of words and the evolution of their meaning is not a new phenomenon. Think back to when you were a young adult and you'll find plenty of terms we used in ways our parents no longer recognized.

When terms become pedestrian or overused, they become overly familiar and perhaps even clichéd. The original meaning of a term or phrase becomes diluted and generalized. 

Several terms or phrases used by estranged adult children have been used so frequently over time that they have lost their emotional impact and fail to capture the nuanced experiences and feelings in the same way as in the past. Conversations can quickly become twisted and tangled if there are significant differences in past definitions and what terms mean today. The adult child and parent can leave a conversation with hurt feelings from unintended messages. I call this a communication disconnect.

This episode's purpose is to assist parents in understanding key terms and phrases commonly used in our adult child's world. Importantly, learn them in today's context. 

I recommend that if you listen to this episode and get frustrated and want to debate, let it go. Don't scoff, don't dismiss and don't be offended. Instead, dedicate your energy to adopting the new meanings and get comfortable using them accordingly. Your adult child may take note of your determination to 'get on board' with them.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this episode. Feel free to message me through the Contact Janet feature of the whenouradultchildrenwalkaway.com website. Make sure to leave contact information so I can respond.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

So often, people who love and support us are also in contact with or know our distancing or estranged adult child. I'm often asked whether it is "a good idea" or "will it work" to have one of these people talk to the adult child on the parent's behalf. 
 
 I also hear stories about people taking it upon themselves to  approach an adult child without the parent's involvement—to defend us, advocate for us, or encourage our adult children to "stop the madness." 
 
 The third scenario related to this topic involves parents recruiting, encouraging or requesting that a friend or family member approach their estranged child to advocate on their behalf. 
 
 Regardless of who, how or why people advocate for us, after a time, these efforts often end in more sadness and disappointment for the parent. 

So, how can we make sense of it when advocacy on behalf of the parent’s does not bring the intended outcomes?

In this episode, I explore these three scenarios from the adult child's perspective. You'll hear some strategies for navigating all three, and I'll explain why ensuring a clear and direct path for communication between the adult child and estranged parent becomes essential.
 
 This episode is a shorter introduction to the topic. For a deeper dive, you can find the expanded episode on the When Our Adult Children Walk Away website.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

Memory distortion is common in our human experience. It can be particularly relevant in crumbling relationships between parents and their adult children. Too often, what were once happy or benign memories morph - seemingly - suddenly into abusive and traumatic events. Parents are often caught off guard and sent reeling into a cycle of disbelief, anger, helplessness and pain.

To complicate matters further, outsiders can influence or drive the reconstructive process. Have you heard the terms Gaslighting and Cult of One? Check out those specific episodes for more information.

So, what is the difference between what we organically recall (reproductive memory) and the changed or revised version (reconstructive memory)? 

The metamorphosis of memory can and does affect us all. If you think it doesn't happen to you, read things you wrote years ago. Consider a diary or your child's baby book. You will likely find discrepancies between what you wrote and when you recall. You might wonder if you mistakenly wrote things in the original document or if your memories have changed.

Revision of memory is a usual and natural human process. However, in the face of estrangement, transforming memory can and often does lead to disastrous outcomes.

Listen in to learn more about the differences and processes that occur. Then, when you want more information and to explore this topic more deeply, look for the extended version.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

Memory distortion is common in our human experience. It can be particularly relevant in crumbling relationships between parents and their adult children. Too often, what were once happy or benign memories morph - seemingly - suddenly into abusive and traumatic events. Parents are often caught off guard and sent reeling into a cycle of disbelief, anger, helplessness and pain.

To complicate matters further, outsiders can influence or drive the reconstructive process. Have you heard the terms Gaslighting and Cult of One? Check out those specific episodes for more information.

So, what is the difference between what we organically recall (reproductive memory) and the changed or revised version (reconstructive memory)? 

The metamorphosis of memory can and does affect us all. If you think it doesn't happen to you, read things you wrote years ago. Consider a diary or your child's baby book. You will likely find discrepancies between what you wrote and when you recall. You might wonder if you mistakenly wrote things in the original document or if your memories have changed.

Revision of memory is a usual and natural human process. However, in the face of estrangement, transforming memory can and often does lead to disastrous outcomes.

Listen in to learn more about the differences and processes that take place. When you want more information and to explore this topic more deeply, look for the extended version.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

A few years ago, in the middle years of our family's estrangement from my adult daughter and grandchildren, I adopted the phrase "Parent Partner.” 

I borrowed the term from the early days of divorcing parents (remember Gweneth Paltro's divorce from Chris Martin?) working together to co-parent young children. The concept is that divorcing parent-partners choose to work collaboratively, in a friendly manner, to jointly parent young children. They may even vacation together, celebrate birthdays together, etc. 

The separation we - the parents - experience from our maturing children is actually a close cousin to the concept of divorce. If we manage it well, it doesn't have to lead to estrangement.

The Oxford Dictionary defines divorce as " the separation or dissociation from something.” Isn’t this what happens as our children individuate from us in their young adult years? In my experience, it certainly felt like a divorce at times. Individuation is natural. It is natural for our adult children to separate from us as their primary family - to create their own separate lives.

So (insert shoulder shrug here), why not adapt proactively and intentionally in our relationship with our adult child?

This episode provides 10 tips for growing into the parent-partner role, including how to integrate our adult children's expectations and needs - in the face of today's complex world - so we can stay connected and actively involved in their lives - AND not risk estrangement. 

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic.

In this episode I provide a detailed explanation of how apologies and explanations function within the context of conflict management. In short, where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conflict, explanations tackle the rational side. 

By understanding when and how to use each communication tool strategically, we can foster an environment of trust, clarity, and mutual respect, leading to a more healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

Listen to the shorter episode to hear a brief and specific explanation of the differences between an apology and an explanation.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic.

Where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conflict, explanations tackle the rational side. By understanding when and how to use each communication tool strategically, we can foster an environment of trust, clarity, and mutual respect, leading to a more healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

 In this episode, I provide a brief and specific explanation of the differences  between an apology and an explanation.

Listen to the extended episode to learn more about how and when to use each.  

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

This Sunday in the US is Father's Day.  Many families around the country will spend time celebrating their dads. But, the day can be difficult for our estranged dads - and research tells us that the same is true for many of their estranged adult children. For estranged dads and adult children, the day shines a spotlight on circumstances that led to their strained or fractured relationships.

Estranged relationships between any parent and their adult children are frequently incredibly painful and complex. There are differences between how moms and dads experience estrangement. So often, the moms lead the conversations when we meet or lead the effort to find help. It may appear that the dads are less affected. And yet we know dads are also hurting, scared and angry.

In this episode, I share findings from a reliable research study on fathers and estranged adult children. In particular, the research I reference in this episode comes from this article: 

Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality - by Reczek, Stacey and Thomeer. 

The Reczek study is unique because it is one of the few that used longitudinal data collected to examine national trends (including family estrangement) over time. The study began in 1979 with ongoing and supplemental study of the same group of people through 2020.

Take a few minutes to read the article if you're interested in the US statistics around father-adult child estrangement. The list of references at the end of the article provides an extensive treasure trove of scholarly articles, research-based books, and other resources.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.

Parenting doesn't end when our children grow into adulthood; it just evolves into a different phase with its own set of challenges. Parents often struggle with letting their children become independent adults. It can be hard to transition from being the primary decision-maker to taking a backseat role in their lives.

We are challenged to Let Go. We are faced with finding a new balance in how much support we provide and how much we honor our maturing children in their quest for independence. We face different and heavy financial concerns. Communication changes and boundaries shift.

We begin to experience empty nest syndrome and our adult relationships may shift without children at the center.  And, last but not least, the expectations of both parents and adult children evolve.

In this episode, I begin to scratch the surface of this ominous and sometimes joyous stage of parenting. Grab a chair and take a listen. Thanks for joining in!

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.