Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic.

Where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conflict, explanations tackle the rational side. By understanding when and how to use each communication tool strategically, we can foster an environment of trust, clarity, and mutual respect, leading to a more healthy and mutually respectful relationship.

 In this episode, I provide a brief and specific explanation of the differences  between an apology and an explanation.

Listen to the extended episode to learn more about how and when to use each.  

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Subscriber-only episode

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

This Sunday in the US is Father's Day.  Many families around the country will spend time celebrating their dads. But, the day can be difficult for our estranged dads - and research tells us that the same is true for many of their estranged adult children. For estranged dads and adult children, the day shines a spotlight on circumstances that led to their strained or fractured relationships.

Estranged relationships between any parent and their adult children are frequently incredibly painful and complex. There are differences between how moms and dads experience estrangement. So often, the moms lead the conversations when we meet or lead the effort to find help. It may appear that the dads are less affected. And yet we know dads are also hurting, scared and angry.

In this episode, I share findings from a reliable research study on fathers and estranged adult children. In particular, the research I reference in this episode comes from this article: 

Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality - by Reczek, Stacey and Thomeer. 

The Reczek study is unique because it is one of the few that used longitudinal data collected to examine national trends (including family estrangement) over time. The study began in 1979 with ongoing and supplemental study of the same group of people through 2020.

Take a few minutes to read the article if you're interested in the US statistics around father-adult child estrangement. The list of references at the end of the article provides an extensive treasure trove of scholarly articles, research-based books, and other resources.

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

Parenting doesn't end when our children grow into adulthood; it just evolves into a different phase with its own set of challenges. Parents often struggle with letting their children become independent adults. It can be hard to transition from being the primary decision-maker to taking a backseat role in their lives.

We are challenged to Let Go. We are faced with finding a new balance in how much support we provide and how much we honor our maturing children in their quest for independence. We face different and heavy financial concerns. Communication changes and boundaries shift.

We begin to experience empty nest syndrome and our adult relationships may shift without children at the center.  And, last but not least, the expectations of both parents and adult children evolve.

In this episode, I begin to scratch the surface of this ominous and sometimes joyous stage of parenting. Grab a chair and take a listen. Thanks for joining in!

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

The concept of gaslighting has become a common term over the past few years. So what is it and why is it that our adult children are quick to accuse parents of gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone says something convincingly and with authority puts into question another's perspective and experiences. Gaslighting pushes others to change their own thinking, beliefs, observations, and values. That, my friends, is gaslighting.

There are people in the world who believe the earth is flat (no offense if you are one of those people) even with all the evidence to the contrary. People have been to space and seen our planet - round and rotating. And, still, there are people who will argue and debate to convince others that we live on a slab.

More importantly, to how we communicate and interact with our adult children, we are often caught off guard when events, experiences, exchanges, and other aspects of family history are (seemingly) suddenly are described as hurtful, shaming, painful and perhaps even abusive. 

It isn't unusual for parents to push back, and try to persuade their adult child that they "simply don't remember correctly". That might be true, and still we are called to listen and consider their perspective. So, how do we listen, consider and acknowledge there are different perspectives to what, for parents, has been factual and true?

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing.  Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship.  Checkout https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement  to find a very helpful image of the estrangement continuum. 

In cases other than those involving abuse or addiction, adult children who pull away from their parents and other family members often point to a lack of respectful communication and miscommunication as the underlying or last-straw problem. While every estrangement is unique and influenced by individual circumstances, some general themes exist. These themes appear regularly in the resources available to our adult children as they consider whether or how severely to estrange a loved one.  And! When they consider reconnecting. 

I've reviewed research studies, books, articles, and other resources for the past six  years to understand these themes better. I talked with parents and adult children struggling in relationships, family systems therapists and estrangement experts. I also studied support resources for adult children seeking solutions to resolve their unraveling parental relationship – including estrangement. In short, I sought out any resource that focused on or related to the continuum of estrangement – and written for an audience of adult children. 

In this episode, I share and discuss what I have found to be the most commonly considered relational aspects adult children consider as they pull away. And! When they consider reconnecting.

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

https://www.whenouradultchildrenwalkaway.com/about

One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is, "How do I know if my child is cutting ties and wants to be estranged?"
 
Why is it important to understand the differences and similarities? Knowing the difference helps us assess the health of a relationship. 

Take a listen as I dig in and talk about the differences. And - importantly - the similarities.

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

 Determining the level of estrangement between you and your adult child can involve some introspection and assessment of your relationship dynamics. 

Are you asking yourself questions like: What is the Continuum of Estrangement? What is the progression of distancing? How do I know if my adult son or daughter is on the continuum? How do I slow down the increasing distancing of my son or daughter?

This episode is a great place to get initial insights into your questions and some information to help find answers. 

Let's get started. Listen in to this session and learn more about the Continuum, how to assess your relationship, and how to begin to slow down the distancing.

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

For parents and adult children experiencing some level of estrangement (see the Continuum of Estrangment link below) understanding what an authentic apology means can be pivotal in repairing their differences. In this episode we dig deeper into the 5 imposters of an authentic apology. You will learn how to recognize and avoid these imposters, preparing you to recognize your responsibililities, how to hold yourself accountable and how to communicate your authentic apology.

An authentic apology is more than just a string of words; it's a genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing, accompanied by sincere remorse and a commitment to make amends. An authentic apology requires humility, vulnerability, and sincerity.  It's not about saving face or avoiding consequences but about genuinely seeking to repair the harm caused and rebuild trust and respect in the relationship.

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

If you've listened to other WOACWA podcast episodes, you know that I ground my work in effective, respectful, and intentional communication. I integrate communication training with my six-stage Estrangement Grief Model (Disbelief, Anger, Despair, Acceptance, Transformation and Maintenance).  

By this, I mean that our estrangement journey can be most effectively navigated and remedied by reflecting on our relational circumstances, holding ourselves accountable for our own contributions to the estrangement, understanding and embracing our grief, and mastering our interpersonal behaviors and - critical to our success - by strengthening our communication style.
 
So, having said all of that, what are the 3 truths about why, when and how we choose to write an amends letter? And, what is the lie? Or maybe more accurately, what are the untruths we tell ourselves? Let's get started!!

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

In this episode, Dr. Steinkamp presents the sixth stage of  Estrangement Grief. During the stage of maintenance - Maintenance.
 
In this stage, we have embraced some of the changes we chose to make in our lives after moving through the first five stages of estrangement grief. We have embraced our imperfections, grown to forgive ourselves and our adult child and come to recognize that we can find purpose and joy without needing the parent-child relationship. This is not to say we have stopped hoping to reconnect, or that we take all responsibility for the fracturing of our relationship. 

In the Maintenance stage, we understand and accept our new emerging selves - find our new sense of purpose, and establish satisfaction with our changed life.  We embrace our new parent-partner role and are ready for potential opportunities to reconnect with our adult child.  The possibility of reconnecting may feel scary and fragile like will be walking on eggshells - but we're ready! This is the stage where all of our work in the previous stages comes becomes our new normal. 
In the early stages of estrangement, many of us swirl through disbelief, anger and despair (the first three stages of my model) over and over, round and round, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Take a listen to understand better the reasons behind this cycle and how to navigate and manage our grief.

Check out episode episodes 1 - 7 of this podcast series. No matter where your relationship struggles sit on the continuum of estrangement you are likely experiencing some level of loss and therefore, are also experiencing grief. 

The continuum of estrangement referenced in this episode can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

Support the show

For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!

The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.