When adult children become estranged from their parents, the ripple effects can often spread to other family members—siblings, grandparents, and even close friends. These "innocent bystanders" can become collateral damage in the fallout of a family rift.

In this clarifying episode, host Tina Gilbertson explores four common reasons why estranged adult children might distance themselves from others in the family, and even beyond.

Understanding these motivations can offer a clearer picture of the situation and may help ease parents’ fears about the extent of the rift. You’ll learn that collateral damage doesn’t always mean your adult child’s estrangement is extreme or escalating; it may simply be a reflection of complex dynamics at play.

If you're a parent struggling to understand why your child’s estrangement from you is affecting their other relationships, this episode offers insight into the reasons behind it.

You’ll gain a clearer understanding of the emotional complexities underlying estrangement, and why “innocent bystanders” sometimes become part of the (hopefully temporary) fallout.

For information and tips on how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Or get on the Reconnection Club mailing list.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 31: Why Don't Other Relatives Help?

Parents have various ways to cope with the pain of prolonged estrangement from their adult children. One of them is to find a way to let their children go, with love, in their hearts.

Letting an adult child go can bring a measure of relief to those who are able to do it. They may feel more peaceful and less sad.

It's relatively easy to let go of someone in silence. But what happens if they suddenly contact you?

Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson speaks to parents having just that experience. They're caught in a dilemma between silence and peace on the one hand, and undependable contact on the other.

In this illuminating episode, Tina suggests leaning in to this dilemma as a first step to finding your way past it.

For more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

RC Podcast Episode 144: What’s Your Strategy?

“If Your Child Contacts You After Asking for No Contact” (log in for access)

The journey through unwanted estrangement from adult children can remain challenging even after extensive personal work and therapy, as hidden barriers continue to surface.

In this pivotal episode, Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson explores how parents who have built fulfilling lives and invested in their own growth may still have blind spots that hinder their healing journey.

Key Insights:

• Even with extensive therapy and personal development, we may have unrecognized areas that need attention
• The assumption that we've "done enough work" can itself become a barrier to deeper healing
• Parents who have created successful lives despite estrangement may overlook remaining opportunities for emotional growth
• Looking inward, rather than focusing on reconciliation or the adult child's actions, can reveal unexpected areas for personal development

Tina offers a gentle challenge to parents to consider that there may be more internal work to discover, even when it seems like all possible growth has been achieved.

For more on how to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Get on Tina's mailing list.

Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

When adult children cut contact with their parents, they often cite experiences and memories that their parents remember completely differently.

But what happens when two people recall the same events in contradicting ways?

In this illuminating episode, Reconnection Club host Tina Gilbertson tackles the complex nature of truth in family relationships.

Through an engaging example of a backyard barbecue, she demonstrates how seemingly opposing versions of events can both hold validity – and why trying to prove your adult child "wrong" about their memories may be counterproductive.

Tina explains that emotional truth in relationships operates differently from objective facts, offering insights for parents struggling to reconcile their memories with their adult child's perspective. 

This episode provides essential understanding for parents who want to build bridges rather than debate whose version of events is "correct."

Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. 

Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 117: Heroes and Villains

When your adult child goes “no contact,” it can feel like you’re suddenly in a state of emergency. How did this happen? What is a parent supposed to do? How do you fix this painful problem if your child won’t talk to you?

When dealing with a crisis, the last thing you might be concerned about is balance. But balancing activity with sufficient rest is critical for anyone trying to solve an important problem. We’re simply not at our best when we’re out of balance. We don’t have our full capabilities, and we suffer from exhaustion and despair.

Whether you feel like you’ve gone into overdrive, or the opposite – that you’ve been mired in passivity or paralysis – host Tina Gilbertson has something for you in this simple but profound episode.

For information and tips on how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Or get on the RC mailing list.

EPISODE LINKS: Start the New Year With … Rest? 

How to Do the Bare Minimum

Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

Having a no-contact adult child can be not only painful, but genuinely confusing.

They might agree to receive texts from you, but not reply to any texts you send.

Maybe they tell you they love you, even as they continue to create distance.

When you stop contacting them at their request, why do they then claim you don’t care about them?

What’s going on? What do they want? How can you figure that out if they won’t talk to you? In this reassuring episode, Tina Gilbertson suggests that maybe you don’t have to.

Generally speaking, mixed messages are not a sign that your adult child is mentally ill or worse, messing with you. Instead, they can be an unconscious expression of ambivalence or a reflection of normal developmental changes in young or recently launched adults.

For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how to respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE LINKS:

Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 171: Understanding Ambivalence

When your adult child goes no contact, you search for solutions. You hunt for ideas, inspiration, support and above all, answers. And the whole time, you feel awful.

Estrangement, in other words, is hard.

It's natural to gravitate towards quick and relatively easy solutions: Writing an apology letter. Sending gifts. Showing up unannounced. Sending one text after another, despite receiving no reply.

For parents, the real work of healing estrangement often has nothing to do with contact. It's long, slow, difficult and solitary work. But parents who take the harder path can earn greater rewards, sooner, as host Tina Gilbertson explains in this essential episode.

For more on how to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

This is Part 2 of a 2-part episode that began with Episode 188 (not 187 as stated in this episode). Click here for Part 1. More often than not, when no-contact adult children end their estrangements and return to the relationship, there's an elephant in the room -- at least from the parent's point of view.

Parents feel like they're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid whatever it was that created the problem in the first place. If only their adult children would tell them what went wrong, so they could keep it from happening again!

But that elephant-in-the-room feeling may not be shared by the adult child, who wants the relationship to work as much as the parent does. They might not want to talk about the elephant. And that leaves parents feeling unsettled, to say the least.

This episode is for you if you're feeling nervous and unsure around your recently reconciled, or semi-estranged, adult child.

For more about how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read show host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

Seeking Safety in Estrangement (scroll to bottom of that page for more emotional safety resources)

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Validation and Estrangement

How to Validate Someone

More often than not, when no-contact adult children end their estrangements and return to the relationship, there's an elephant in the room -- at least from the parent's point of view.

Parents feel like they're walking on eggshells, trying to avoid whatever it was that created the problem in the first place. If only their adult children would tell them what went wrong, so they could keep it from happening again!

But that elephant-in-the-room feeling may not be shared by the adult child, who wants the relationship to work as much as the parent does. They might not want to talk about the elephant. And that leaves parents feeling unsettled, to say the least.

This episode is for you if you're feeling nervous and unsure around your recently reconciled, or semi-estranged, adult child.

For more about how to make repairs and begin to heal from parent-adult child estrangement, read show host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 125: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot, Part 1 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 126: The GOOD Parent’s Biggest Blind Spot, Part 2 Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 54: Why Do They Cut Off Contact Instead of Talking About It? Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 118: Does Your Adult Child Lack Communication Skills?

Hear the voices of parent who are facing the holidays without their estranged adult children this year...

If you’re unwillingly estranged from your adult child or children during the holiday season, host Tina Gilbertson and members of the Reconnection Club community want you to know you’re not alone.

Listen to this very special episode in your podcast player app before it expires on December 30th, 2024.

Episodes never expire from the Reconnection Club website. Find any episode on our site by typing the episode number after a “/” like this: “Reconnectionclub.com/187”

For more holiday-related resources from the Reconnection Club, check out these materials:

RCP Episode 107: Staying Present In Their Absence

Practice Slow Breathing BEFORE the Holidays

Inviting Estranged Adult Children Home For the Holidays

RCP Episode 69: It’s OK to Enjoy Yourself During Estrangement

Make a Detailed Plan to Get Through Special Days

Getting Through Christmas

For much more about how to deal with estrangement from your adult child(ren) throughout the year, read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.