Professor Paul Eastwick is one of the leading researchers in the science of attraction, relationships, and human mating psychology, leading the Attraction and Relationships Lab at UC Davis.

In this conversation, we explore a deceptively simple question: do we actually know what we want in a partner? Drawing on decades of research, Paul challenges some of the most deeply held assumptions about dating, suggesting that many of the preferences we believe define our “type” do not meaningfully predict who we are attracted to in real life.

We also discuss why attraction often fails to follow our stated ideals, how compatibility emerges in ways that cannot be easily predicted, and why even advanced models struggle to explain who will click with whom.

Along the way, we examine the role of conversation, proximity, and repeated interaction in shaping romantic outcomes, factors that are often overlooked in modern, app-based approaches to dating.

Timestamps:00:00 – Do we actually have a “type”?02:42 – Why your ideal partner list doesn’t hold up05:30 – “But I’m different” — do preferences ever work?07:46 – If attraction isn’t preference… what is it?08:00 – Why compatibility can’t be predicted (even with AI)10:30 – Attraction as “random conversations”15:45 – Should you trust what you think you want?17:58 – Why dating apps and filters can backfire21:02 – Attractiveness is more subjective than you think24:44 – Why this should give people hope27:19 – The truth about looks, status, and “optimising”32:00 – The hidden cost of self-improvement culture35:16 – Why vulnerability beats performance39:29 – Should you date lots of people—or focus on one?41:55 – Why relationships naturally progress (and stick)44:23 – Why people don’t “trade up” the way we think46:24 – Proximity: the most powerful force in attraction47:50 – What this means for long-distance relationships49:21 – Is hypergamy real? (what the data actually says)52:59 – Why people end up with similar partners54:28 – Are dating apps distorting reality?55:33 – Do we fall for the person—or how they make us feel?56:53 – How much of attraction is shaped by culture?59:36 – What should you actually do differently?

Links:

http://pauleastwick.comhttps://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/723049/bonded-by-evolution-by-paul-eastwick/ - Bonded by Evolution (Paul's Book)

http://pauleastwick.com/publications-by-year - Academic Publications

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