What if the greatest threat to your recovery after infidelity isn't what you think it is? 

In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, James and Sam unpack how "intrigue" quietly destroys connection, fuels secrecy, and sabotages healing long before an affair - or any kind of sexual or emotionally intimate acting out - ever begins.

You'll learn how seemingly insignificant, subtle thoughts and behaviors can become powerful dopamine loops that reinforce shame, self-betrayal, and emotional disconnection. This honest conversation exposes how intrigue starts, why it feels so intoxicating, and what it does to both the unfaithful and betrayed partner.

Whether you're the unfaithful seeking to rebuild integrity or the betrayed trying to understand why recovery feels so hard and why things feel "off" even though your unfaithful partner is "doing all the right things" for recovery, this episode brings clarity and compassion - and, with that, hope.

👉 Topics we cover:

✅ What intrigue really means—and why it's so dangerous in recovery ✅ How micro-moments of attention or curiosity can evolve into obsession ✅ The role of validation, fantasy, and secrecy in ongoing betrayal patterns ✅ How intrigue affects the betrayed partner's sense of safety and trust ✅ Why "naming it to tame it" is essential for lasting healing ✅ How to begin breaking the intrigue cycle and rebuild authentic intimacy

💡 Key Takeaway: Intrigue begins small—but left unchecked, it becomes the invisible thread that ties shame, secrecy, and disconnection together. Awareness and honesty are the first steps toward freedom.

👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again.

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

🔔 Please hit the bell to be alerted about new videos!

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

"Healing begins when we choose authenticity over approval and prioritize the love that truly matters."

In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, James and Sam reveal how people pleasing critically affects the Unfaithful and the steps to stopping it and living a new life where energy is focused on relationship repair and growth.

👉 If you're an unfaithful partner, this conversation will help you see how people pleasing isn't harmless. It drains your energy, blurs your identity, disrupts recovery and arrests trust rebuilding by de-prioritizing your betrayed partner.

You'll discover: ✅ Why people pleasing is a survival tactic rooted in the need for validation stemming from shame and fear of rejection. ✅ How it leads to loss of identity, burnout, anxiety, and disconnection. ✅ How it disrupts your own recovery by not only deprioritizing your partner but yourself. ✅ The hidden ways it blocks rebuilding trust and relational safety. ✅ Practical steps to set boundaries, rebuild authenticity, and stop the cycle. ✅ How to shift from seeking external validation to practicing self-validation.

💡 Key takeaway: When you choose to stop people-pleasing, you are actively choosing authenticity, humility, and accountability over approval.

👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again.

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

🔔 Please hit the bell to be alerted about new videos!

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

On today's episode of "Moving from Not It to Got It," Sam takes listeners on an honest journey through the pivotal moment when an unfaithful spouse chooses to stop deflecting and starts owning their actions. The episode opens by breaking down the psychological reality of the "Not It" phase—where self-protection, avoidance, and justification keep an individual stuck, unable to truly connect with their partner or heal the damage from infidelity.

The reality is, "Not It" causes a significant amount of collateral damage including but certainly not limited to:  

• blocking all forward progress
• minimizing and justifying the affair(s)
• blame shifting
• subconsciously expecting the betrayed partner to handhold the unfaithful into the most basic recovery work

The heart of today's episode centers on what it takes to shift from "Not It" to "Got It" not only earning self respect but simultaneously the respect of the betrayed partner.   

This means facing the hard truths head-on and making the conscious choice to drop the defenses and problematic patterns which may have created the acting out in the first place. 

The transformation can be palpable: when an unfaithful spouse authentically claims responsibility, they lay the foundation for rebuilding trust, self-respect, and hope for their relationship.

Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

Stinking Thinking is more than just negative self-talk—it's the distorted, automatic thought patterns that block empathy, sabotage trust, and keep both the unfaithful and the betrayed partner stuck in cycles of pain.

In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how "stinking thinking" shows up after infidelity:

• The 5 categories of distorted thoughts • How these toxic beliefs re-traumatize the betrayed partner  • The devastating psychological effects on the unfaithful • Why distorted thinking erodes the relationship and prevents repair • Practical tools to challenge, reality-check, and rewire stinking thinking for true relational healing

💡 Understanding and addressing stinking thinking is critical to emotional sobriety and lasting relational recovery.

👉 If this episode resonates with you, please like, share, and subscribe for more conversations on betrayal trauma, affair recovery, and building trust again.

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

🔔 Please hit the bell to be alerted about new videos!

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

📧 Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]\

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

------

Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Sam is also on Instagram: @Samuel_healing

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

👍 Like, Subscribe, and Leave a Comment below to share what resonated most—or ask your question for a future episode.

Entitlement is the silent killer of recovery after infidelity.

When an unfaithful partner comes from a position of entitlement, it poisons trust, sabotages healing, and deepens betrayal trauma. In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack how adult entitlement shows up in the unfaithful partner, why it destroys safety and trust, and what it takes to break free from it.

👉 For betrayed partners: You'll hear why entitlement makes you feel invisible, invalidated, and unsafe—and why your pain is real and justified. 👉 For unfaithful partners: You'll learn how entitlement fuels continued betrayal trauma, how to spot it in your own thinking, and the steps needed to move from "deserve and demand" to "determined devotion."

What You'll Learn in This Episode: • The hidden ways entitlement rationalizes betrayal • How entitlement hurts the Betrayed Partner • How entitlement in the Unfaithful actually hurts the Unfaithful Partner (!) • What drives selfishness, shame, and minimization • Why entitlement blocks empathy and real accountability • Steps to dismantle entitlement and rebuild relational integrity

Whether you are the betrayed partner searching for clarity or the unfaithful partner ready to change, this episode helps you recognize entitlement. For the Unfaithful, it will give you the tools to replace entitlement with humility, empathy, and growth - and relational repair.

💬 Please leave a comment below

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

🔔 Please Like, Subscribe and hit the bell to be alerted about new videos!

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

📧 Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

------

Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Sam is also on Instagram: @Samuel_healing

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

👍 Like, Subscribe, and Leave a Comment below to share what resonated most—or ask your question for a future episode.

Shame and avoidance are two of the most powerful forces keeping unfaithful partners stuck after betrayal. In this episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we uncover how these patterns silently sabotage healing—for both you and your relationship—and what you can do to change it.

🔍 In this episode, we cover:

✅ 4 ways shame and avoidance show up in recovery ✅ Why emotional honesty is essential for rebuilding trust ✅ The 5 core steps to building shame resilience ✅ How to use the R.E.A.L. Method to share emotions without harming your partner ✅ Common pitfalls that can derail recovery—and how to avoid them

If you've ever felt "stuck" in recovery or struggled to communicate without triggering more pain, this episode is for you. Whether you're early in the healing process or further along, these tools will help you break the cycle of avoidance and move toward real connection.

💬 Please leave a comment below

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

🔔 Please Like, Subscribe and hit the bell to be alerted about new videos!

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

📧 Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

------

Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Sam is also on Instagram: @Samuel_healing

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

👍 Like, Subscribe, and Leave a Comment below to share what resonated most—or ask your question for a future episode.

In this episode of Ask The Unfaithful, Sam and James take a deep dive into one of the most misunderstood—and most important—concepts in infidelity recovery: the Arousal Template.

Too often, betrayed partners and unfaithful partners alike are left wondering: Why did this happen? Why do I keep making destructive choices? Can these unhealthy patterns ever change?

This episode delivers answers—by unpacking:

✅ What the Arousal Template actually is and why it's so critical to understand

✅ How early life experiences shape your unconscious sexual and emotional triggers

✅ Why understanding your arousal template is essential for long-term relapse prevention

✅ How these patterns form in secrecy, shame, and unmet emotional needs

✅ Specific questions and exercises to start mapping your own template

✅ How to rewire unhealthy arousal patterns and build an intimacy-based, connection-driven life

This is a must-listen for any unfaithful partner serious about recovery—and for betrayed partners who want to better understand the underlying dynamics that drive betrayal behaviors.

⚠️ Note: This episode is educational, not therapy. Please reach out for professional guidance at [email protected] to learn more about coaching or intensive options.

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

📧 Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

 👍 Like, Subscribe, and Leave a Comment below to share what resonated most—or ask your question for a future episode.

------

Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

In this powerful episode of Ask the Unfaithful, we unpack one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences in the aftermath of infidelity: limerence. Often confused with love, limerence is an obsessive, fantasy-fueled state that can hijack recovery and prolong betrayal. If you've ever felt "addicted" to your affair partner or struggled to break free—even when you know the relationship is destructive—this episode is for you.

Join Sam and James as they explore:

• What limerence really is (and what it's not)

• How emotional and sexual affairs can become neurologically addictive

• The difference between a soulmate and a "woundmate"

• The role of fantasy, childhood wounds, and emotional neglect

• Early warning signs that you're in a "Limerent Spiral"

• Proven steps to break free and come back to reality

• How to recognize limerence if you are in it - or if you're a betrayed observing it

• How unfaithful partners can recognize, and heal from, the damage of limerence

• This episode is a must-listen for couples trying to rebuild after infidelity, therapists supporting betrayal recovery, and anyone caught in the grip of obsession disguised as connection.

📺 For more helpful content, we invite you to explore our companion show: Ask The Betrayed (@AskTheBetrayed on YouTube)

📧 Contact us: [email protected]

🔗 Need help healing? Visit HopeForUs.com (Email: [email protected] ) or email Sam at [email protected]

📘 Download the FREE workbook for this episode: https://www.asktheunfaithful.com/down...

 👍 Like, Subscribe, and Leave a Comment below to share what resonated most—or ask your question for a future episode.

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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack five critical signs that the unfaithful partner has not yet reached authentic, pro-active remorse. Whether you're the one who broke trust and are unsure how to go about truly changing, or you've been betrayed and are searching for clarity, this episode is is packed with insight, compassion, and clear markers of where real healing begins.

Together, we'll explore what correctable issues point to a need for the unfaithful to reach a true desire to change and genuine remorse. Most importantly, you will discover what true sorrow and living amends really look like in relational recovery.

This episode isn't just about calling out harmful behaviors—it's about offering a roadmap for those ready to change. 

If you're in the thick of relational recovery and wondering what's real and what's just lip service, don't miss this one!   📧 For coaching or intensives: [email protected]

📘 Download the FREE workbook for this episode: https://www.asktheunfaithful.com/downloads 

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

------

Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery

In Episode 47 of Ask the Unfaithful, we continue the conversation from last week's powerful session on judgment—but this time, we're unpacking a major roadblock to healing after infidelity: criticism.

Whether it's self-criticism, perceived criticism from your partner, or full-blown judgment, this cycle quietly poisons recovery. And unless you know how to name it, reality-check it, and interrupt it, you'll keep getting stuck in the same emotional loop—withdrawal, pursuit, shutdown, repeat. This episode is raw, practical, and packed with actual scripts and mindset shifts for unfaithful partners and couples who want to move from shame and defense to empathy and reconnection.   💥 In This Episode: • How criticism and self-condemnation sabotage connection • What the judgment loop sounds like in everyday conversations • How to shift from criticism to curiosity, compassionate accountability,   and emotional humility • When to dismantle the loop solo—and when you can do it together • Real-life scripts to foster emotional safety, mutual repair, and trust   🧠 Key Concepts: • "Criticism isn't connection. It's resistance." • "You don't need to be perfect—but you do need to be present." • "Compassionate accountability = responsibility without collapse, empathy without shame."  

📧 For coaching or intensives: [email protected]

📘 Download the FREE workbook for this episode: https://www.asktheunfaithful.com/downloads 

📬 Reach out: [email protected]

🎧 Find us on Apple, Spotify, and everywhere podcasts are found.

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Our Website: www.AskTheUnfaithful.com

Contact us: [email protected]

Find James & Sharon at the CORE Relationship Recovery website: www.HopeForUs.com

Find more from Sam at Sam's Healing Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@samshealingpodcast

Follow James at LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/james-annear-lmhc-704551157

Follow CORE Relationship Recovery (James & Sharon) on Facebook: www.facebook.com/CORERelationshipRecovery