Coming Up for Air — A Toolkit to Help with Your Loved One's Recovery from Addiction & Mental Illness

Try OARS to help you communicate. Kayla and Laurie discuss the three Os (offering to help, open-ended questions, owning your own part), plus A (affirmation), R (reflective listening), and S (sandwiching).

How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive, and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.

Reflective listening involves two simultaneous mindsets -- you're listening, and at the same time reflecting whatever your loved one says. Our hosts weigh in on good strategies for dealing with the difficulty of inhabiting those simultaneous mindsets, including curiosity, interest, and separation.

PIUS is an acronym to help you communicate in tough moments. It stands for "positive statements," "I statements," "understanding statements," and "short, specific statements." Our hosts talk about what all that means and how you can implement it.

Christina Dent, founder of drug policy advocacy nonprofit End It For Good, discusses her voyage as a foster mom who'd never seen addiction up-close. The experiences she gained through fostering led her to dramatically rethink her stance on drugs and the criminal justice system.

Triggers – when something pulls you back into your past, into old physiological reactions and emotions – happen to all of us. Becoming resilient means not avoiding them or pushing them aside, but digging in to repair yourself. If you’re not wounding others, you stop the cycle of wounding and become a healer of yourself and others in an indirect way, through connection and care.

How do accumulated negative feelings and trauma impact you and your relationship with your loved one? How do you get past them, to a better place? In part, it's about breaking the contract of the usual interactions and cycles -- learn to step back, re-assess, and let our loved ones handle things without so much of our intervening. Kayla and Dominique discuss how that can be done.

Ever felt baffled or enraged by communicating with a loved one? Check out this popular episode from 2021, hosted by Laurie MacDougall, Kayla Solomon and Isabel Cooney. What is "reflective listening?" How does it work? What are the benefits for you, and the person you're listening to? And why does Kayla believe in it so much that she'd use it if someone were pointing a gun at her?

Burnout happens when you've got nothing left in the tank. When you're the superhero "yes person," it can happen easily, bringing fatigue and anxiety. When it does, you have one job: take a real, significant break to refill your tank in whatever way works best for you. Start by saying no, giving yourself room to rest.

When you have expectations about someone else’s behavior, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’re focused on yourself, you get to avoid that disappointment – you get to have agency, think about what your values are and who you want to be, then act accordingly. How do you engage with your loved one and have a more positive relationship, one in which they feel you’re someone to trust? When you work on having good boundaries and not overstepping them, the outcome can be beautiful for the other person. Even small manifestations of positive movement in the relationship are worth celebrating.