Dad Starting Over

In this episode, DSO delves into the topic of retroactive jealousy, addressing the insecurities and discomfort that can arise when a partner has had previous sexual encounters. He explores the dynamics of past promiscuity and the feelings of inadequacy that can arise when comparing oneself to a partner's previous experiences. DSO offers empathy and validation to those struggling with these emotions, emphasizing that their feelings are valid and not indicative of weakness. A thought-provoking discussion on navigating the complexities of past relationships and sexual histories.

Key Takeaways:

• Retroactive jealousy can significantly impact one's perception of relationship dynamics, particularly concerning a partner's sexual history.
• Jealousy in this context may stem from notions of sexual conquest, effort, and reward within human mating rituals, paralleling disparate investment levels towards achieving intimacy.
• A person's past sexual explorations can be both a source of insecurity and growth in current relationships, depending on individual experiences and life stages.
• The emotional struggle with retroactive jealousy is valid and deserves consideration, rather than dismissal as mere insecurity.
• Communication and personal introspection are key when addressing discomfort related to a partner's past encounters and determining the future of the relationship.

DSO comes face to face with a conundrum that plagues many married individuals – the struggle for consistent, fulfilling intimacy. The host addresses a listener's question concerning the frequency and nature of intimacy within marriage, offering his insights on the complexities of physical and emotional connections. With raw candor and a touch of humor, DSO delves into the nuanced challenges of igniting passion in a relationship marred by a disparity in sexual desires.

The listener, adopting the moniker "Conan the Barbarian," reveals his endeavors in boosting physical fitness and providing romantic gestures, yet finds himself unsatisfied with the sporadic sexual encounters and hand jobs offered by his wife. DSO emphasizes the importance of understanding that attraction and intimacy encompass more than just physical appearance, hinting at possible deeper issues within the marriage. The episode addresses the dangers of communication breakdowns and the impact of emotional rifts on intimacy, urging listeners to explore the complexities lying beneath the surface of marital discord.

Key Takeaways:

• Physical fitness is crucial for self-confidence and attractiveness, but it's not the sole factor in improving intimacy.
• Expressing discontent about intimacy through texts risks coming across as crass or immature, potentially fueling conflict.
• The lack of intimacy can signify deeper issues, including resentment or emotional disconnection within the relationship.
• Overcoming a "dead bedroom" situation requires more than addressing the physical aspects; it involves understanding and attending to both partners' emotional needs.
• Communication is key, but it must be approached sensitively and thoughtfully to avoid causing further harm to the relationship.

DSO tackles a sensitive and commonly encountered issue in many marriages: the dynamics of sexual desire and satisfaction. Delve into Daniel's story, a listener who, despite having worked on improving his relationship and experiencing an uptick in bedroom activity, is grappling with the feeling that his wife's participation may not stem from genuine desire.

DSO, with his blend of straightforward advice and empathetic insight, dissects the complexity behind the listener's concerns, pointing out the multifaceted nature of sexual desire and the psychological impetus driving our expectations. He addresses the delicate balance between increased frequency and the authenticity of sexual encounters within a marriage. Through real-life examples and an understanding of human sexual behaviour, DSO provides a nuanced overview of why, even with positive changes, some men, like Daniel, yearn for a more spontaneous and voracious sexual connection.

Key Takeaways:

• Sexual desire within a marriage can be complicated, affected by changes in life stages, stress, and individual nature.
• Increasing sexual frequency doesn't always equate to satisfaction if the perceived level of genuine desire from the partner is lacking.
• Our biology might be programmed towards 'serial monogamy', seeking newness that inherently comes with a new partner.
• Realistic expectations and communication are essential in understanding and managing the complexities of marital sexual relationships.
• Exploring adventurous and shared sexual experiences may help ignite a stronger sexual connection between partners.

I had the pleasure of sitting down for a nice chat with Carla Crivaro from the UK. From her website at carlacrivaro.com:

"I started out as a sexually repressed, stay at home mother and wife with chronic anxiety, low self-worth and deep-rooted insecurities in all relationships from working to familial to romantic.

I went on to experience a 'sexual awakening' which took me on a path of self-discovery. I consensually dabbled in play parties and dating while still married to my then husband and we have since transitioned into a co-parenting partnership.

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I have learnt to ask for what I want in relationships, state my boundaries and maintain them and I continue to learn and grow. I'm now in a monogamous 'living together apart' relationship with my partner in what is considered a 'Power Couple' relationship."

Carla and I chatted about one of her favorite subjects to tackle: The Forgotten Father.

DSO addresses a message from a listener who is experiencing a disparity in libido with his postmenopausal wife. The listener explains that his wife's libido has significantly decreased since entering menopause, while his own libido remains high. DSO discusses the complexities of menopause and its impact on women's libido and explores the listener's concerns about his wife's past sexual experiences and her lack of desire for sex. Additionally, DSO offers empathy and understanding to the listener, acknowledging the challenges of being in a relationship with mismatched libidos and suggests exploring therapy and potential hormone replacement therapy as possible solutions.

Some key takeaways from the episode are:

1. Menopause can significantly decrease a woman's libido, which can create a disparity in desire between partners.
2. The listener's wife's past sexual experiences should not be a factor in their current sexual relationship.
3. Alcohol can sometimes help reduce anxiety and increase desire in postmenopausal women.
4. Open communication and therapy can help address the mismatched libidos in the relationship.

In this episode, DSO responds to a letter from Nate, who is feeling drained and frustrated in his marriage. After a long military career, Nate has come to realize that his wife is lazy, unambitious, and constantly negative. He has recently started focusing on self-love and personal growth, but his wife's behavior is wearing him down mentally. DSO offers two options for Nate: either his wife needs to join him in his positive mindset and make an effort to improve the relationship, or Nate may need to consider moving on to a new chapter in his life without her.

Key Takeaways:

1. Military deployments can cause couples to grow apart, especially if one partner struggles to cope with the challenges of being left behind.
2. Hyperachieving individuals often thrive as entrepreneurs and may struggle in traditional employment settings.
3. Discarding negative influences from your life can lead to significant improvements in mental and physical health, as well as personal and professional success.

Quotes:

• "You're Mr. Winner, and you're looking over your wife saying, 'You going to join me?' And her answer is, 'Nope.'"
• "When you discard negative people from your life, things really start to click for you."
• "You owe it to her to give her a chance to work through this, but if not, it's time to call it quits."

DSO discusses the statistic that married people have more sex than single people, and whether this means that single individuals should get married to improve their sex lives. He examines the reality of sex in marriages by looking at survey data, which shows that a significant percentage of married couples are in dead bedroom relationships. DSO also explores the societal benefits of marriage and how it can serve as a solution for men who are not having any sexual encounters or causing chaos in society. However, he emphasizes that marriage is not for everyone and that the idea of a hypersexual and fulfilling sex life in marriage is not applicable to the majority of couples.

Key Takeaways:

1. Statistically, married people have more sex than single people, but this does not mean that single individuals should rush into marriage for the sake of their sex lives.
2. A significant percentage of married couples are in dead bedroom relationships, where they have infrequent or unsatisfying sex.
3. Marriage serves a societal purpose by providing stability and reducing chaos caused by men who are not having any sexual encounters or relationships.
4. Marriage can be a fulfilling and hypersexual experience for a select few, but for the majority of couples, the reality is different.
5. It is important to assess one's own sex life and personal desires before considering marriage, as it may not be the solution for everyone.

Quotes:

• "The majority of men out there on the prowl looking for a mate in the singles market are not having frequent sexual encounters with women."
• "The majority of marriages are in dead bedroom relationships or, at the very least, undersexed relationships."
• "Marriage serves a purpose. It's good overall for society. It's certainly better for our kids to have a man and woman under one roof."
• "The reality is that marriage is not a hypersexual, awesome thing for the majority of couples."
• "Marriage is not for everyone. It's important to assess your own sex life and personal desires before considering it."

In this episode, DSO responds to a question from a listener named John Rambo, who is feeling anxious about his wife attending a bachelorette party in Vegas. John has been with his wife for almost 13 years and they have three children together. He describes his wife as beautiful and trustworthy, but he still has concerns about the party and worries about potential infidelity. DSO explores two possible explanations for John's anxiety: insecurity and a gut feeling that something is not right. He encourages John to examine his own behavior and communication patterns in the relationship, as well as his level of trust and security. DSO also suggests that John and his wife set clear boundaries and communicate openly about their concerns and expectations.

Key Takeaways:

1. Insecurity and anxious behavior can create tension in a relationship and lead to feelings of mistrust.
2. Open communication and setting clear boundaries can help alleviate anxiety and build trust in a relationship.
3. Trusting your partner and having a sense of abundance can help overcome anxiety and fear of infidelity.

Quotes:

• "There's no right or wrong here, dude. Let's be honest."
• "If she does something stupid enough to let me down, that's on her. Then she loses her husband. That sucks to be her."
• "Insecurity and anxious behavior can create tension in a relationship and lead to feelings of mistrust."

The DSO Fraternity

Karen and Catherine offer a service that they call "My Divorce Solution". It's an excellent method for gathering all pertinent information and uncovering all the facts you may need when going through a divorce. From their website at mydivorcesolution.com:

"We specialize in supporting divorcing couples in effectively managing the division of their marital estate. We strive to demystify the complexities involved, ensuring our clients have a crystal-clear understanding of their financial situation. By providing comprehensive insights into the long-term impact of their choices, we empower individuals to make well-informed decisions that will shape their future and that of their family. Our goal is to help each client achieve the most favorable outcome, ensuring their financial security and peace of mind during this challenging time."

DSO addresses a common issue faced by many men in long-term relationships: feeling neglected and pushed to the back burner after having children. He explains that this shift in attention and priorities is a natural result of motherhood and the demands of raising children. However, he acknowledges the valid need for intimacy and connection in a relationship and offers advice on how to address this issue.

DSO emphasizes the importance of understanding the biological and societal factors at play, such as hormonal changes and cultural expectations. He suggests that creating a supportive social circle and seeking outside influences that prioritize maintaining intimacy can be beneficial. DSO also highlights the need for open communication and a willingness to address the issue as a couple.

He cautions against relying solely on time to resolve the issue, as the demands of parenting and life can continue to impact the relationship. Instead, he encourages taking proactive steps to bridge the gap and reconnect as a couple. DSO advises men to assess their own behavior and ensure they are fulfilling their role as a supportive partner and co-parent. He also emphasizes the importance of championing the effort to rebuild intimacy and seeking professional help if necessary.

Key Takeaways:

1. The transition from being a partner to becoming a parent often leads to a shift in priorities and attention, which can leave men feeling neglected.
2. Understanding the biological and societal factors at play can help navigate the challenges of maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship.
3. Building a supportive social circle and seeking outside influences that prioritize maintaining intimacy can be beneficial.
4. Open communication and a proactive approach are essential in addressing the issue and rebuilding intimacy.
5. Taking responsibility for one's own behavior and role as a partner and co-parent is crucial in bridging the gap and reconnecting as a couple.

Quotes:

• "You are basically identifying something that a lot of men, myself included, have seen in relationships with women who become mothers to our children."
• "Guys that I speak to in my own personal family friend circle and guys I speak to in the dad starting over world. They will all say, oh yeah, I went from number one to number like 92 on the list of things that my woman is concerned with."
• "You need your own culture and your own friend group and your own family around you, those people that have shown you over the years, this is how you stay connected to your spouse."
• "You clean up your side of the table, you do everything that you're supposed to be doing. Take a good, hard look at yourself."
• "You and me, we're going to work on this starting now. And you, from what I've seen, need to be the champion of this."

The DSO Fraternity