Delight Your Marriage

"Why can't I be fulfilled by what I SHOULD be able to?"

-Higher-drive men, Higher-drive women

"Why can't I get aroused by what I SHOULD be able to?"

-Lower-drive women, PI/ED men

I want to invite you to consider what brings you pleasure.

I want you to consider what causes you to ENJOY life.

At Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot of intimacy. (And this episode does too).

God has designed sex to be a way to receive pleasure.

But is it God's only way for you to receive pleasure in this amazing world?

Did Jesus receive pleasure in this world? (Even without sex?)

For higher drive husbands/wives (or those in sexless marriages): You are a wo/man who doesn't receive the pleasure from sex that you crave.

Jesus was tempted in every way that we are, and yet he never sinned. (HOW???)

For lower-drive wives/porn-induced ED/ED men: When you go on a journey of resensitizing your pleasure to everything this amazing world has to offer, you also resensitize yourself to the amazing gift of intimacy your spouse's unique body that God gives you in marriage.

Gaining pleasure in many more things in this life is incredibly important for you to fulfill God's call in the world.

Too many leaders/pastors/preachers have secret (and sometimes horrific) sins because they have no pressure release from the HARD work of ministry.

They do not have ANY pleasure activities except sex (at least that's what they think constitutes a holy life).

It's hard.

Jesus knows it's hard to resist temptation.

But he had MANY ways of receiving pleasure that had nothing to do with sex

He had zero "sinful outside-of-marriage sex" and he had zero "holy inside-of-marriage sex".

I invite you to listen with a curious heart to how God might want to invite you to resensitize yourself to the pleasure in HIS good world (in and out of marital intimacy) so that you can do the will of the Father ...as Jesus did.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage be all that God wants it to be to ultimately support the life and call God wants you to have... go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for all the information of first steps!

PPS -Recent wife grad: "I wish I could really express just how many celebrations I've had through my weeks in this program. Both alone, and in my marriage."

Let's go! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Many of our wife listeners have lower drives than their husbands. (I hear you!) And that's just the way it is. Nothing to be done, just deal with it.

Also, if they're like I have been, since she has a lower sex drive she just has to put up with the requirement of her to make love even though she's less than enthusiastic about it because she has to have sex and can't do the things she really wants to be doing. Or sometimes avoids it altogether.

I have been there. And so has Sarah.

She and I both have high drive husbands.

And we both know that sex is supposed to be a beautiful gift and a joy for him but we just couldn't desire it even if we wanted to.

I want to allow you to hear Sarah's heart because she knew something wasn't right.

She loved her husband and they waited till marriage to engage sexually together, as is biblical, but her desire just wasn't there, and it was so disheartening.

But, she rejected the idea that there was nothing she could do about it. Even when sexual assault was in her past, she hoped God could still redeem and heal her sexuality.

I'm excited for you to hear her story and see how you might be blessed by the advice and encouragement.

Her first step was sharing her story with someone who gets it. That was the free Clarity Call she had with someone who had walked this road before and can share there is hope for change!

Love,

Belah

PS - Would you like help? We would love to help. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to have a compassionate and helpful conversation to evaluate if you're a good fit for our programs.

PPS - If you're a husband who wants his wife to do what Sarah did, the best thing you can do is work on yourself first.

From a guy who has been there, took the next steps, and did the work:

"Before taking the course I would have defined our struggle as not being on the same page sexually. I thought that her view of me, and the attitudes that she held, were hurting our marriage. She thought I was too demanding and moody when my expectations weren't met. I felt she prioritized work, kids, church, her phone, etc. above me. The vast majority of the intimacy we had was duty sex.

My biggest challenge has been my lack of understanding. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me. I am skilled at justifying myself and passing blame on my own heart.

Understanding the concepts of Safe, Known, and Cherished was a big deal. Forgiveness and apologizing have been huge. The disciplines of faith statements, gratitude, prayer, and Bible reading make for a solid start to my day.

My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically."

In approaching the new year, I invite you to rewind your calendar and consider...your marital performance in 2023.

What if I asked your spouse what it was like being married to YOU this past year?

Yikes!

If my spouse chose to be fully open and honest I think I'd have plenty of... ehemmm... "growth-opportunities". :)

Seriously though... feel free to go back through your calendar and check out what your priorities were throughout the year.

Day by day. Week by week. Month by month.

What was it like being married to YOU?

If marriage is your first human assignment, was that reflected in...

How you spent your time?

How you spoke/listened to them?

How you spent your energy?

How you loved them the way he or she receives love?

Assume you're looking at your year through your spouse's eyes.

What were your challenges of the year?

What were the things you should celebrate?

Now that you have thought through that...

We all know marriages are under attack, so what are you doing about it in your own home? You want it strong to withstand the challenges.

& If you're a pastor or ministry leader, what are you doing about this for your flock or in your organization?

(Aside: We have some exciting resources for ministry leaders that we'll be sharing with you in upcoming communications -- make sure you're on our email list to get notifications.)

In this episode, I have some practical next steps and things to ponder as you're setting out into this fresh year.

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS - We'd love to help heal your marriage in 2024 (as has happened many times before), feel free to take us up on our gift to you: Clarity Call. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

As we are soon gathering together with loved ones to celebrate the Savior's birth, I would love for you to remember what life is all about.

When we meet Jesus face to face, what do we want to be true of us?

In today's episode, I walk you through a meditation I did with our men's graduate group a couple of months ago.

It is really meant to give you a chance to consider eternity. What is Christmas really about?

It's about Jesus. And are we living in light of His life, will and ultimate sacrifice.

I invite you to listen in and gain more insight into what you want that day to be. Because we are Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot on marriage, but we will all stand before Jesus one day and this is good practice :)

Love,

Belah

PS - Maybe you're considering launching into a healing season for your marriage in the New Year -- if so, sign up for a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPS - A recent lady graduate:

"Years ago I prayed to God for a short life. I didn't want to break my marriage vow, but I didn't see how I could be happy with him and it was getting harder as the children became adults.

Death seemed to be the only acceptable answer. I was obviously very unhappy.

Now I enjoy spending time with him, look forward to dates and vacations, and we laugh and work things out together. I believe we are a great team! It's a miracle that we enjoy and like each other again.

Physical intimacy is better than ever. He cares about me and I feel secure. When we come together physically, we feel closer and both of us look forward to it!

I miss him when he gets busy with work and would be devastated if something happened to him."

Maybe you're transformation is next. Learn more in a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

It's hard to discern (or even admit) if we are obsessed.

So here's the definition:

"an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind."

Is your marriage an obsession?

Or is God's will an obsession? (And your marriage is an important part of God's will for you.)

I encourage you to consider what God's will is for you in this next season.

It's all about priorities.

If God is your first priority then everything else falls underneath.

He puts all of our lives into perspective.

Marriage shouldn't put all of our lives in perspective. It must be God first, then we can rightly serve our spouse well.

I want to invite you to rightly obsess over God's will and put marriage in its proper place so that it's healed and somewhat on "autopilot" so you can get on with God's will for your life.

Listen in to understand more about what this means for you.

(I have an exciting announcement included in our conversation today, I'd love for you to hear it!)

Love, Belah

PS - If you're in a really hard place or even a really great place, I encourage you to get on a Clarity Call.

Maybe (as a gent emailed me today) your marriage is a 10, but you feel you need to take this course because YOU need to become the man/woman your spouse needs, then we'd love to help.

delightyourmarriage.com/cc

A recent grad shared: (we try to never reuse testimonial quotes in multiple emails jfyi)

"I've grown a lot spiritually, I had thought that I had always been a pretty good Christian...but realized that I was very selective in when and how I followed God's word. I feel a lot closer to God, and now realize that I can't really do marriage well on my own and truly need Him.

The program was great! It so aligned with what I needed...

If people seem stuck, don't hesitate to push...I know we should take that initiative ourselves but sometimes a spark or catalyst can help.

I really believe in what you're doing...it's the best program out there… and think this program can really help a lot of people."

Learn more at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

After 33 years of marriage, they were disconnected.

At that point, they were sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Maybe you're at a spot where it's hard to have hope because it has been SO hard for SO long.

Jacques is here to say, even when only you do the work, it can change.

Glory to God.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Could your marriage be one of the next ones to transform? Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc. You don't have to, but what if you do?

Quote from a client...

Before the program: "My biggest struggle coming into MR was openness with my wife about what I was thinking and feeling and fear of asking her about what was going on in her life. I had just come out of therapy for my addiction of lust and porn and trust was a big issue. I wanted her to know that she was the only one for me and I didn't know how to do that.

I knew our marriage could be so much more but didn't know how to make that happen. It was a constant weight on me that made my everyday life like walking around on eggshells."

After the program: "DYM has given me the confidence and tools to be able to handle difficult situations with my wife. It has given me such a better understanding of how my wife thinks and what is important to her. I have learned that I have to be the leader of the relationship. I love how the program was based on scripture in the bible. I learned how God wanted us to treat our wives and then how to do it. Surprisingly it has helped with my porn and lustful addiction. Now I respect women and my wife as they are all God's daughters. I am so excited for the next stage of my marriage."

You may wonder when God is going to show up in your life. In your situation. In your marriage. You may believe in God but don't feel His love for you, or at least haven't for a long time. Maybe you felt His love for you at first, and that is what brought you to give your life to Jesus, but slowly, things have really gotten stale. Maybe like your marriage. It was great at first. But slowly other loves entered the picture. Children. Careers. Commitments. Current events. Costs. Culture. Cars. Curtains. (Other things that also start with "C". :) Ultimately, our job is to sacrifice for our priorities. God. Spouse. Kids. Everything else. If you're not sacrificing for each (in that order), then it makes sense that you're not feeling the love from them. I encourage you to listen with a curious heart attuned to what the Lord may be drawing you to. Blessings, Belah PS - If you'd like our help with your marriage, your first step is a Clarity Call (a free gift from us) delightyourmarriage.com/cc Before the Delighted Wife Program: "Problems with tension and unforgiveness, exhaustion from childcare, loss of connection and lack of wholehearted intimacy. Husband was extremely resentful of me. I've lost respect for him. Was close to divorce.

There wasn't peace at home, kids constantly saw us arguing, I didn't want to be at home, I was doing many things on my own with the kids because my husband didn't want to do things with me, I was craving for other male attention who valued me."

After the Delighted Wife Program:

"My heart has softened and I can now see the brokenness in my husband, that he was just a very wounded soul. He was trying to love me and wanted this marriage to work but he had no clue how to go about improving it and was instead making things worse.

Wholehearted intimacy. Not arguing for a long time and the atmosphere has completely shifted, there is peace at home and he is a much happier and better father to the children...

Impacted everything, it turned everything around. My husband is now loving, patient, caring, and a very present and patient father."

Tomorrow is the day (in the US) we set aside to be grateful.

Or it's a day we set aside to get frustrated with family, binge eat, and watch football.

Just kidding.

I invite you to do Thanksgiving this year, Jesus way.

Let's allow peace, joy, and thanksgiving being the most important aspects of this holiday.

Everything else is after those.

Let's be intentional to not allow wounds of the past (even from yesterday) to rob our kids or extended family of the opportunity to see how Jesus followers love each other. Whether they deserve it or not.

I want to just encourage you to do a few things if your marriage is tense right now.

Take 100% ownership to turn it to thanksgiving. Here are some very basic and very practical steps.

Love,

Belah

PS - If you'd like our help to turn your marriage around, we're here for you. Your first step is a free Clarity Call: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Randy felt lonely, disconnected, and that his wife cared about everything and everyone else more than his wife.

He was a strong believer and prayed for change in his marriage.

He stumbled upon Delight Your Marriage through podcast searching and found something that seemed right. He and his wife really dug into the material. And it did start to make sense.

Sadly, they were again up at 3 am and both very frustrated and hurting. She decided to make the free Clarity Call: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

And ultimately, they both chose to do the work together.

As a natural skeptic and somewhat pessimistic he was concerned whether it was...

1- Going to work for them.

2- Whether it had a cult-like vibe.

I think he was wise to consider this. But he assures you on this episode that it wasn't like that at all.

Our goal is marriage transformed so they can continued doing the work of the Kingdom even better.

Randy shares about how they are adoptive parents. Such important work requires a healthy marriage to love well.

I'm so glad to see what God has done in these two and what He's continuing to do!

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Join a free Clarity Call with a Clarity Advisor like Randy did and see how we can help you specifically: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPS - The holidays are coming. I encourage you to consider who in your life needs Delight Your Marriage.

Maybe today is the day to tell them:

You say: "Have you heard of DYM?"

They say: "No"

You say: "I'll send it to you".

And then send them one or two and write: "Here are some that I got a lot out of". (That way it doesn't make them feel like you think there's something wrong with them.)

Who knows, maybe you just changed the trajectory of a family, forever. Just by sending them a podcast.

Dads,

When it comes to fatherhood, do you feel at times like you don't know what you're doing?

At times, does the chaos and frustration of it all feel like you're left to solve a very difficult puzzle without directions?

Dr. Don is here to tell you, "Every dad CAN win".

He's been there.

His wife, the "Relationship Ninja", Suzanne wants you to know that you are handpicked by God for this.

For fatherhood.

For your children.

You can do this.

Early on in his family life, Don felt like parenting was more like solving a Rubix cube with no instructions.

Over the years of raising a family of 7 kids and gaining insights from other experts, they've discovered family comes down to 2 words:

a- relationships

and

b- culture

Don says, if you build your family right on the inside, then you can tackle anything that happens on the outside.

They invite you to constantly ask the question: How can I connect to my child today? Words, time, & creating experiences and memories are all examples of how to connect.

I specifically love when Suzanne says as parents, our goal is to take our kids from being parent-controlled to self-controlled.

She also shares how wives can encourage their husbands in the midst.

Seriously, gents, you can win at fatherhood. Even if you didn't have a role model. And even if--like the Rangers (TX MLB not NY NHL :)--maybe your track record hasn't been great... it is possible to still win!

Seriously though...

You can be a good father.

It really is not too late.

Don is opening an opportunity for you in the new year for fathers to learn how to do just that for free. Just email him [email protected] to find out more.

Their many resources, podcasts, and courses can be found at crazycoolfamily.com

I hope this message will encourage you to keep fighting to win!

Love, Belah

PS - We'd love to help you with your marriage. Maybe that has felt like it is the thing holding you back from working on your fatherhood.

We'd love to get you to the other side and really enjoy peace and joy in your marriage, thus empowering your kids! delightyourmarriage.com/cc for a free Clarity Call to discover your first step in marriage healing.

Recent graduate wrote:

Before men's program... "this inability caused me to be concerned about our future and caused me to feel like I was alone... There were so many needs and desires that would go unmet, that I struggled to be holy and joyful.

After men's program... "Too many [celebrations] to recount here! In summary, she has made the most intimate bids for connection with me over the last weeks than I can remember! These have been both sexual and non-sexual.

My biggest celebration could be that I feel loved and desired by my wife again, and that is so fun and empowering for life on a mission!"

Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc so we can help you have that story too!