Delight Your Marriage

When I was first with my (now) husband he showed me my value. Value I didn't know I had. Worth I didn't know I was. He taught me how precious my heart was. He taught me how precious my body was. God loved me through my husband. God healed me through my husband. I remember on our first date I told him that I had never felt safer in my whole life. I felt completely respected and honored by this man. I felt like he would protect me from anything and everything (even from himself). Unassuming. Tender. Kind. And when I read the scriptures, I see that is what Jesus is to women. He is kind. He is loving. He doesn't speak to them harshly. He is moved by compassion when they cry. Seriously. Take a minute and think. Is there ever a time that Jesus is harsh to women? Even when he tenderly corrects Martha, it is in protecting Mary (a woman who had the gall to value herself enough to learn from the great Rabbi). I invite you to explore with me how Jesus treated women. Men if you have never learned from Jesus in this way, I think this will help you. It will help you see your wife as the daughter of the king. As a precious soul that you are tasked to heal and care for. And God can heal her through you... through your genuine safety.

Book referenced:

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer

Blessings,

Belah

PS - If you want our help, feel free to go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for more info. PPS - Recent husband grad: BEFORE: "Constantly getting rejected was demoralizing and took a mental toll on me for sure. Not being listened to and the lack of respect was basically a punch in the gut pretty much daily, causing depression and definitely other issues within the house as well with the kids also." AFTER: "I wanted to think that I was doing all the right things and that it was her problems that were causing all of the issues between, but I was definitely wrong. Through this program, I have realized that I definitely was living up to my "man of the house" role. Mainly I was not providing her safety. My actions, or lack of actions depending on the situation, were not getting my wife into a safe place where she would be in the mindset to share herself with me physically, mentally, or spiritually. By doing this in turn it has proved to be beneficial with what I feel is much more respect from her, especially around the kids, as well as more frequent episodes of lovemaking."

Solomon. The wisest man in the whole world. Ever. Fell to sex. David. The man after God's own heart. Fell to sex. Samson. The real-life superhero. Fell to sex. Falling to sex is something men have done for a long time... AND each was severely punished. 1 Cor 10:8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did—and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died... These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us... 12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted d beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. For your own sake (much less for the sake of everyone who knows you follow Jesus) get humble. Humble yourself while the monster is one inch tall. Confess the internet search, the extended browsing, the questionable conversation, the __________________________.... Get humble at the earliest warning level. Run into the light. Share it exactly with your brother or sister (not co-ed).​​​​ ​​You have an opportunity to get healed. Put crazy strong boundaries in place. ​ Every man in our community... be open with your sin to another man. Every woman in our community... be open with your sin to another woman. Let's not end up with their consequences... Humble yourself. Be specific. Own your sin. Confess it to another person. Fully repent.

Allow them to pray for you. Submit yourself to their accountability and humble yourself over and over again​...​​​ ...that you may be healed.

Listen in to today's extra short (since it's a Monday) podcast.

Belah

PS - If you want our help, feel free to go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for more info.

Today's story is by a wonderful man who needed help to receive the intimacy he was really hoping for.

As a person who believed in Jesus and was serious about the Word of God, the lack of intimacy in his marriage was not something he was willing to find a sinful outlet for.

Instead, he had heard of Delight Your Marriage and began listening to the podcast. After listening for several years, he decided to sign up for the men's program when it began to be offered.

The first time he went through the 3-month program, he learned, implemented, and saw results!

He saw some great changes in his marriage.

But after a year, he realized it wasn't enough.

So, he did it again...

I invite you to hear what his changes have been this time around, after he had a foundation to build from and really finetune his shifts. He's got some exciting things to share as a result of his second round of the program…an even greater progression of growth in his marriage.

If you've done "all the things" but haven't seen your marriage change, I invite you to listen to David's story...

God is still changing hearts and lives, marriages, and families.

God bless you,

Belah

PS - Could your marriage change? What do you have to lose…and potentially gain? We invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.

Graduate quote:

Before the program: "Coming in, I knew my wife felt that I was unsafe for her, and that she felt alone and unknown by me. On my end, I felt deeply regretful of marrying her, angry with her, and hopeless to ever have a joyful marriage. I felt totally unattracted to her and trapped.

I became very depressed as a result of our unhappy marriage feeling like a life sentence that couldn't improve. The inability I felt to do anything positive in my marriage made me hesitant and unconfident in my vocation as a minister. I felt like I had zero positive influence with my own wife, so how could I have any influence with others that I hoped to point to Christ or build a trusting relationship with. Even more so, my role as a dad and as a friend to others was constricted by how small and worthless I felt."

After the program: "I've seen progress in almost every area. I have grown in my own perspective on my wife. This has stunned me, and given me more hope than I've ever felt. The faith-statements, the forgiveness exercises, and the daily gratitudes have made an enormous change inside me. The ways my wife saw me as unsafe and unsatisfied all seemed from my heart of anger and ungratefulness toward her. Forgiveness toward her has softened my heart, and the daily gratitude has accumulated to change my attitude toward her, even in a daily way. I sincerely have a delight toward her that I've not felt in over a decade."

You may be one who is really good about getting yourself filled up in order to be your best for your spouse.

But for the rest of us, this episode is for you.

I think we know that we cannot give what we do not have.

But that doesn't stop us from trying (and failing often...Oh, how many times I have been there!)

Then my stressed feelings take over and I am not kind or loving to my highest priority human, ehemm, my spouse.

I want to encourage you that God is one who can fill your cup. But you have to discipline yourself and make room for him to renew and refresh you.

Ultimately, your spouse cannot satisfy. God does.

We want to get filled up with him and from that overflow, we bring our best to serving our spouse.

Love,

Belah

PS - How can we help you?

From some people who graduated recently (not married to each other).

Women's program:

Before: There wasn't peace at home, kids constantly see us arguing, I didn't want to be at home...My husband was extremely resentful of me. I've lost respect for him. Was close to divorce.

After: Impacted everything, it turned everything around. My husband is now loving, patient, caring, and a very present and patient father.

Husband's program:

Before: There were many big marital struggles. Coming in, I knew my wife felt that I was unsafe for her, and that she felt alone and unknown by me. On my end, I felt deeply regretful of marrying her, angry with her, and hopeless to ever have a joyful marriage. I felt totally unattracted to her and trapped.

After: I've seen progress in almost every area. I have grown in my own perspective on my wife. This has stunned me, and given me more hope than I've ever felt. I sincerely have a delight toward her that I've not felt in over a decade.

Wow, I can't begin to think of improving it. It's amazing.

PPS - If you're ready for these changes. Who knows, maybe this'll be you in 3 months?

delightyourmarriage.com/cc to learn more.

He's been a Christian for many years, yet couldn't seem to "crack" how people transform. He knew he wasn't where God would want him to be, but couldn't figure out how to get there.

He had followed Delight Your Marriage for years and applied what he picked up, but it didn't seem to move the needle.

Finally, he decided it was time and joined.

He started seeing changes in himself and changes in his walk with God. And he was thrilled to discover a community of men that was, in his words, "extraordinary."

He learned to be a man of God in a real sense alongside other men growing, as well.

He finally felt unstuck. I hope this is encouraging and inspiring to you as well.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - If you're a wife or a husband, I encourage you to sign up for a Clarity Call to see how you, too, can witness this kind of transformation in yourself and in your marriage.

delightyourmarriage.com/cc

From a wife graduate who also felt stuck:

"Coming into the program, I felt stuck. My marriage was 1 year into recovery from my husband's infidelity, and though we had been counseling and working on moving forward, I felt like we hadn't made much progress.

I had a major lack of joy and felt depleted emotionally and physically. I was unable to be the mom I wanted to be, and certainly wasn't able to love my husband well (though I wanted to!)"

After the program: "The trajectory of my life has changed in a dramatic way. I feel more sure of the direction my life is heading. I am no longer allowing emotion or fear to control the direction of my life. I want my GPS to be the Bible, and Jesus as the driver. I am sure that God is trustworthy and capable and I am growing in allowing him space to work. I have grown in my character, my life goals are more aligned with God's, and I believe I am being obedient to God's will in my marriage."

My son, age 10, is going to talk to you today. And I invite you to ​​imagine this is your son. What kind of father do you want him to see? A leader? A man of character? A man of strength and integrity? So many wives want that for their sons, but they are unwilling to do what's necessary to make space for that to be a reality. These wives (and sadly I've been in that place way too many times) give into fear. Fear that he won't do what "needs to be done" in her eyes. ​​​​​​​​ So, instead of letting him lead, she takes charge and controls, criticizes, and even "mothers her husband" (yuck!)... Then... she expects him to stand up and lead? That wouldn't be sensical. So your husband either shuts down and reverts to apathy or he may get angry and explode. ​​​​ And ultimately, how does that impact the kids? ​​ On our episode, my son is actually going to be painfully honest about how we live this out (and there are some less-than-flattering revelations un/fortunately). The point is...​​ Your kids need their father to take his place as the leader of the home. ​​He was designed for this. ​My son points out,​ that it's a burden. And taking responsibility for the home is a scary thing. ​ How do you "get" your husband to lead? ​​There's a way to get there and it's not by controlling... it's about giving up the control. (I'll define what that means). I hope wives listen to my son with fresh ears from the perspective of a little boy who needs a dad to look up to. ​​As it may change your heart in a way that my words couldn't. (Also, my son sings a song to his papa at the end... I hope it makes you smile. Song: Saved My Life by Andy Grammer and R3HAB) Love, Belah PS - If you're a wife who is scared to give up control like we are encouraging, I was there! Your next step is a Clarity Call here: delightyourmarriage.com/cc A wife graduated today and wrote: "The trajectory of my life has changed in a dramatic way. I feel more sure of the direction my life is heading. I am no longer allowing emotion or fear to control the direction of my life. I want my GPS to be the Bible, and Jesus as the driver. I am sure that God is trustworthy and capable and I am growing in allowing him space to work. I have grown in my character, my life goals are more aligned with God's, and I believe I am being obedient to God's will in my marriage." God can totally transform your heart and your marriage, we get to walk wives by the hand into that reality many times over. Find out more and how we can help you on a free Clarity Call.

They saved themselves for marriage. (Yay!)

But there were other hurdles encountered as a result of a lack of insight around intimacy and God's wonderful design.

Hear how Lindsay got to the other side. Was it just flipping a switch and suddenly there's freedom? No.

It was a process.

It was a journey, and it took support and guidance.

I look forward to you hearing from someone who got there, and you can, too.

For men: her husband went first.

For women: she had to commit and realize it was important enough for her to get free.

Love,

Belah

PS - Like Lindsay, if you want freedom in your intimacy but have hang-ups from purity culture, you can get on a free Clarity Call to be listened to and asked questions. Maybe our program is the right fit for you. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

If you're a husband who sees his wife "holding back" because of this, Lindsay's husband took the men's program first, so I also encourage you to get on a Clarity Call. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Program Graduate Quote:

Before the program: "We had recurring arguments surrounding intimacy. I felt like [my husband's] love was conditional and he felt like I neglected his needs.

It was so discouraging. [My husband] felt lonely and I felt like a failure. The cycle would repeat every couple months, leaving both of us discouraged and hopeless that things could ever change… especially after 23 years of marriage. It impacted every relationship in our life, including our kids, work, in ministry, etc."

Same graduate after the program: "I am amazed at the peace and unity in our marriage. I no longer feel like sex is an obligation but something that I am really learning to enjoy! It's better than it has ever been. I have a hard time taking credit for it because [my husband] is killing it at implementing the principles from his 'Masculinity Reclaimed' program. I have never felt more known, safe or wholeheartedly cherished. It is easy to respond to a man who loves me like this. It is easy to be attracted to and vulnerable with a man who loves me like Jesus loves his church.

I have really grown in vulnerability, boldness and freedom in my sexuality, including discovering how sex can be so enjoyable for me. And turns out, [my husband] LOVES when I enjoy it! I am overcoming my physical insecurities and realizing that my body is a gift for my husband. What a beautiful design and privilege that I can please, comfort and bless my husband in intimacy. I want to continue being courageous to experience all God has for our marriage.

I see how my upbringing and the influence of culture have warped how I think and hindered me from experiencing marriage like God designed. I see how I desperately need God to renew my mind to see myself, marriage and sex the way He does.

This is the best marriage material we have ever come across. The Lord is using you in huge ways!"

DYM Listeners -- Thank you SO much for all your help with this Pre-Engaged Workbook launch. And God got us on the charts... #1 New Release in Christian Dating & Relationships!!! Thanking God for His favor!! (Being on the charts means it will be seen by many more people). And a special thank you to Maria, Delighted Wife Facilitator, who was our amazing book editor! She edited and gave feedback and edited again -- Thank you! May God use this in a mighty way in the lives of those who read it. "It truly is a life changing resource if couples will apply themselves to the principles." Blessings, Belah PS - If you haven't yet purchased / reviewed the Pre-Engaged workbook, would love you to add your 5-star review to help spread this work as far as possible. Thank you!

We are LOVING the excitement about the Pre-Engaged Workbook, which will be released soon.

(It is supposed to go live today, but isn't available yet... there is a hold-up in the review process. We will let you know once it goes live!)

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What I think happens a lot in marriages is a dynamic of competition.

They both want to impress their spouse, and both of them are clawing on top of each other trying to get the other one to notice them and admire them.

They're trying to get their spouse to see that they're doing a good job.

At the very same moment, the other spouse is trying to get them to see that they're doing a good job and trying to impress them.

So each is trying to get their security and their approval and their sense of doing a good job from their spouse. And so this competition takes hold.

Instead of enjoying each other and the gift that they are---in the strengths and the differences---they are competing and they can't see past their own hurt and lack of encouragement from their spouse.

So, what I highly recommend is that you consider if this dynamic is happening in your home.

Are you trying to get compliments and admiration and encouragement from your spouse but getting hurt over and over and over again?

My recommendation is that you listen to this episode to understand how to actually receive the affirmation, the approval, and the encouragement you crave.

The good news is you could actually have both security and affirmation… and change the dynamic from competition to love and generous compliments.

You'll find out how if you listen to today's episode.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Help could be a click away…you're invited to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to see if you're a good fit for our programs.

What do graduates say about the results of the program?

"Before I took the program, I thought my wife and I were getting on ok, but as it turned out this was far from the case. It soon became clear that my wife had been feeling very lonely and isolated for years, and this had been showing in her behaviour, which though pleasant, was somewhat aloof and detached emotionally."

"Things moved exponentially, very quickly, though not without struggle and some reverses.. She did not recognise this "new husband" as she put it! …Completely unintentionally I had made my wife feel ignored, not attended to, and taken for granted… Communication was generally businesslike rather than affectionate. …As the program has gone on, huge strides have been made in our marriage. We now spend quality time together most meal times, we've started going out on dates again, we are much more playful than before and we enjoy being with each other. Most importantly, my wife has relaxed, she's begun to trust me, and her true bubbly self is coming out into the open. And it's a delight to see. It almost feels like it used to when we were first dating. Sex has even taken on a completely new appearance."

I just have to apologize ahead of time because this headline is way too sensational. I can hear you saying, "It's frankly not realistic."

I get it.

But, hear me out. (Or, hear him out...? :)

So, Hunter had twin 4-year-old girls.

His wife was fed up with asking him to change. To pull his fair share. To be proactive in the family responsibilities.

She said she was done. They had talked about divorce in the past, but there was finality this time.

He could tell she was serious. And she was.

This is when a lot of people would feel helpless and decide they're going to give up and end the marriage since their spouse wants a divorce.

Not Hunter.

He had done a Clarity Call a year earlier and wasn't ready to take that step then. But knew, at this point, he had to dramatically change to save his marriage.

He said, "At the beginning of the program, I had trouble getting just a few sentences out before I would bust out in tears..."

Week in and week out Hunter plugged along.

But because of the amazing men in our program, he didn't feel he was doing it by himself.

They were texting him, praying for him, encouraging him each time it got hard.

When he had a bad week and felt absolutely worthless and hopeless, they'd be there to brush him off and remind him WHY he was doing this. They'd help him get encouraged and refocused.

Hunter did one scary change after another, one step forward and one step back, one awkward skill practiced after another until it became normal, natural, and just who he is...

And his wife started to respond.

She started to end the snarky, mean comments.

And she started even being receptive to his touch.

Ever so slowly, she started to trust that he is indeed a new man.

And he was indeed able to heal his marriage even though she didn't do the program.

Now he feels closer to God and he can see that she is closer to God, as well.

Now they are in love again… like when they were first married.

Now their 4-year-old girls are 5, and they are in a family with parents that are unified and loving.

This is a big deal and worth a giant celebration! And, a sensational headline (because it's true).

Love,

Belah

PS - If you need a transformation like Hunter, please don't let hopelessness overtake you. Focus on WHY it's so important for you to save your marriage, and get help.

We have resources to help you every step of the way (literally, it's step-by-step). You may be so flooded with fear and pain that you can't even think straight. It's okay, we've got a step-by-step process. It's proven, and it works.

Wife or husband, we want to help you. Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for a free Clarity Call.

Like Hunter, take the next courageous step. It's worth it.

Like Hunter, gain clarity on a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Like Hunter... it could save and transform your marriage, forever.

From a recent lady graduate:

"Delight Your Marriage has brought a breath of fresh air to our marriage! It helped me to forgive myself and others for wrong that had been done in my life.

DYM [Delight Your Marriage] gave me new tools to use to revive my marriage and a renewed focus on God to guide and direct our marriage through the next phases of life!

I enjoyed every aspect of this program! From the first podcast I listened to, to the clarity call, accountability calls, modules, and coaching calls! It all has been a joy, challenge, and work that has helped me and my marriage now thrive!"

We invite you to learn more! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

(If you know someone who needs this... forward this episode to them! Maybe you'll save a family.)