Double Love

We've been waiting a long time for this glorious day and we weren't disappointed. At last, it's time to meet Daniella Fromage and Magenta Galaxy! Yes, Jessica has finally run out of boys at Sweet Valley High and has decided to expand her horizons by signing up to a computer dating agency and adopting two very different personas. Having borrowed some of the best outfits ever seen in Sweet Valley from Dana and some very Lucille Bluth ensembles from Suzanne, she starts dating alleged sophisticate Pierre and "goodlooking hard rocker" Brett - but no one is quite what they seem in this gloriously preposterous classic. Meanwhile Liz rightly realises she's pretty dull and decides to adopt a new look of her own - non-permanent perm, anyone? All this and a Prince Albert cameo.

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Patty Gilbert's looking forward to seeing her boyfriend Jim for the first time in weeks - but when Patty's sister Jana returns home with the news that she's getting married in, like, five minutes, Patty's attempt to balance family obligations and romance leads to some typical Sweet Valley contrived drama. Luckily sensible khaki-clad Liz is there to provide sage advice. Meanwhile Jessica literally loses her mind in her latest unsettling attempt to snag a grown man when she takes the credit for DeeDee Gordon's fugly painted tee-shirts, and yet again there's no sign of our favourite Robert Redford lookalike. Bah! 

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It's Karyn's worst nightmare - Amy Sutton has set her sights on everyone's favourite himbo, Ken Matthews! But when Ken is involved in a car accident that leaves him blind, evil Amy is keen to move on - and she's not the only one at Sweet Valley High who is uncomfortable with Ken's situation. Thank goodness for Karyn's kindred spirit Terri Adams, who has had a crush on Ken for ages and is there to support him as he adjusts to his new life. And as for us, we're so delirious with joy at the demise of a certain orange president (we recorded this on November 8th), we don't even care that the word "fatal" in the title is false advertising or even that a certain teacher doesn't show up. You get a pass this week, Kate William! 

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Reunited and it feels so good! Or does it? Todd and Elizabeth are back together, but it looks like Todd's swanky new lifestyle will come between them - or at least it will if Courtney Kane has her way. Yes, the gloriously OTT yet strangely incompetent villain is up to no good in her typically cartoonish style and we enjoy every minute of it - especially when she makes a shocking declaration. Meanwhile, Jessica turns traitor in her determination to join Lovett Academy and Karyn is outraged when it looks like Amy is setting her sights on everyone's favourite himbo. No wonder this is another epic episode! 

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Guess who's back, back again? Todd is back! Tell your friends! Elizabeth is in turmoil at the news, though not as much as poor Jeffrey (two words we say a LOT in this episode), who rightly figures his days are numbered as soon as Whizzer Wilkins returns to town. Meanwhile rich bitch Courtney Kane sets her sight on Todd, who is now living in a mansion that's almost as fancy as Fowler Crest. Courtney sneers at Lila so you know we hate her. As for Jessica, she's planning to trap a rich boy of her own... 

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First of all, don't worry - this book isn't as dodgy as we feared it would be. Yes, Olivia Davidson, who seems to have had a personality transplant, is madly in love with hunky art teacher Stuart Bachman, but Stuart has no interest in her. Olivia, however, convinces herself that he does - after all, who could resist her funky new giant earrings? This is a scenario that could actually do with Elizabeth meddling with other people's personal lives but for once she decides to stay out of it. Meanwhile Jessica is determined to use her extremely poorly organised electronics class to humiliate Lila, Mr Collins gets the warm welcome he deserves and we end up with a genuinely exciting cliffhanger. No wonder this episode is ridiculously long! 

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When the SVH gang set off on a science field trip to a remote island, Lila sneers at the non-luxurious boat taking them there - and our flat-faced queen's jibes are justified, because it doesn't take more than a few big waves on the way home before the boat starts sinking! When Jessica and Winston's lifeboat capsizes, they vanish in the foggy sea and the denizens of Sweet Valley fear the worst. Have we finally got rid of Jessica Wakefield forever? Don't get your hopes up, listeners - Jessica and Winston wash up on a tropical island where Jessica indulges in some of her usual deluded fantasising, Winston shows surprisingly impressive survival skills and Jessica even gets a bit OTG (though that may be wishful thinking from Anna).

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We had low hopes for this one given that it's another sports story but we were very pleasantly surprised! 

We meet basketball star Shelley Novak and her friend Cathy, the coolest person in SVH (give Cathy her own book, you cowards!). Will self-conscious Shelley, who actually acts and thinks like a real teenager, find love with photographer Jim Roberts, yet another SVH boy who won't take no for an answer (when it comes to taking photos of Shelley, anyway)? Luckily Mr Collins is there to provide wise counsel. Meanwhile, in an extremely entertaining sublot,. Amy and Jess become obsessed with a hunky ballroom dancing teacher and, after the recent Sweet Valley fashion drought, there are some truly outstanding outfits.

 Hurrah! 

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Oh no, A.J. is leaving town for four whole days! Of course Jessica can't be expected to keep it in her pants for that long, so she picks up a random bloke on the beach and embarks on a weekend of romance. But when she tells hunky Christopher her boyfriend is coming home, he starts bombarding her with phone calls and threatening to reveal all. If AJ finds out about her betrayal, Jess will be denied the chance to be queen of yet another dance!

Yes, after a string of dull books about characters no one cares about, we're back in classic Sweet Valley territory. Hurrah! Meanwhile Liz takes her doormat ways to dangerous new levels, everyone's favourite flat-faced bitch is on top form, and we reveal the Sweet Valley equivalent of big d**k energy.

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It's been a long time since we last discussed the strange and terrifying world of SVH, but we're BACK! With an extra kidney, a special post-lockdown theme tune and a book all about....Kristin Thompson? Yes, it's the ultimate anticlimax as we return to Sweet Valley with a book about a randomer who is so obsessed with tennis she's never even heard of 1BRUCE1. Will joining Elizabeth and Enid's Big Sisters problem help her to live a normal life? Meh, who cares. Meanwhile there's so little of the Wakefields in this book we almost (but not quite) find ourselves wishing for more, and a much-missed character makes an all-too-brief return. 

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