For many years, researchers categorized sex as a biological drive like thirst, hunger, sleep or temperature control. But the question lingered, “what if you don’t have sex? What will happen to you?” Unlike thirst or hunger, individuals will survive without sex, says Dr. Adrienne Rowland, an AASECT-certified sex therapist specializing in sexual health and LGBTQIA+ affirming care. During this Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast, she discusses the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire and why both are normal, how to manage desire discrepancies, and what to do about male patriarchy systems that remain present today.

“When I talk with couples, many still follow the traditional male patriarchy system: a man’s sexual desire is a woman’s responsibility,” Dr. Rowland finds. “In our patriarchal society, women often grow up learning that sex is not for them; it is their role to pleasure their male partner. It is important to empower primarily women to feel confident with their body autonomy, and to not feel guilty for saying ‘no’ to a sexual encounter they don’t want,” she asserts.

“We are responsible for our own pleasure. Normalize it. Negotiate your desires, and the result will be very freeing,” Dr. Rowland announces. “No one should give permission to explore their own pleasure.”