What happens when childhood bullying ends, but your body still acts like you’re under threat?

In this episode of Smart Sex, Smart Love, Dr. Joe Kort sits down with award-winning sociologist and author Dr. Trevor Hoppe to explore the long-lasting effects of childhood bullying — not only on our mental health, but on our bodies, relationships, and sense of self.

Dr. Hoppe introduces the idea of “embodied vigilance”: the ways repeated bullying and childhood trauma can leave the body stuck in a state of protection long after the danger has passed. Drawing from his ongoing research and his own experience of being bullied as a child, Trevor explains why something that happened in middle school can still affect us decades later.

Joe also shares his own experiences with severe childhood bullying, including what happened when he confronted some of his former bullies as an adult.

Together, Joe and Trevor discuss who is most vulnerable to bullying, why gender and sexuality are so often policed by peers and institutions, whether fighting back actually helps, and the different ways kids learn to survive — from making themselves invisible to embracing the very qualities they’re being targeted for.

Most importantly, they explore something surprisingly powerful: the difference one supportive adult can make in the life of a bullied child.

Dr. Trevor Hoppe is an Associate Professor of Sociology, Criminology & Justice Studies at UNC Greensboro. His work explores sexuality, public health, consent, stigma, and the law.

MORE FROM DR. TREVOR HOPPE

Pick up a copy of Unsafe Words: Queering Consent in the #MeToo Era, co-edited by Trevor Hoppe and Shantel Gabrieal Buggs.

Trevor is also currently researching his forthcoming book on bullying, tentatively titled Kick Me If You Think I’m Gay, examining the long-lasting effects of gender and sexuality-based bullying on people's bodies and minds.

🌐 Website: http://www.trevorhoppe.com
📱 Instagram: @trevorsaidwhat

Have a bullying story to share?
Dr. Hoppe’s research study is ongoing. If you think your experience may be a good fit, contact the study team at:

📧 [email protected]

CHAPTERS

00:00 Intro: The Lasting Impact of Bullying
01:03 Why Bullying Can Follow Us Into Adulthood
02:14 Who Is Most Affected by Gender & Sexuality-Based Bullying?
03:28 Dr. Joe Kort’s Experience With Childhood Bullying
05:53 “Embodied Vigilance”: How Trauma Lives in the Body
07:45 Do Bullies Remember What They Did?
10:45 Should You Fight Back Against a Bully?
11:06 Bullying Isn’t Just Individual — It Can Be Systemic
13:59 Who Is Most at Risk of Being Bullied?
17:28 How One Supportive Adult Can Change Everything
18:25 How Kids Learn to Protect Themselves From Bullying
20:29 Fighting Back, Fitting In & Hiding Who You Are
23:13 What Adults Can Do for Bullied Kids
25:01 What Happens When No One Steps In
27:04 Where to Find Dr. Trevor Hoppe
27:41 Closing

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#Bullying #ChildhoodTrauma #LGBTQ #MentalHealth #Trauma #DrJoeKort #SmartSexSmartLove

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Richard D. Jewell, CPRC is a certified peer recovery coach with Lifeboat Addiction Recovery Services, a SAG-AFTRA actor, educator, investigator, and longtime advocate for addiction recovery and personal transformation. His work has taken him across criminal investigations, higher education, workforce development, addiction recovery, and the film industry. Today, he works directly with individuals and families impacted by substance use disorder, helping people navigate recovery, access support, and build meaningful lives rooted in worth, wellness, and hope.

In this conversation, Richard Jewell and Dr. Joe Kort explore what recovery looks like today and how the field has changed over the years. Richard explains the role of a certified peer recovery coach, how it differs from an AA sponsor, and why recovery support must look at the whole person, not just the substance. He discusses the eight pillars of wellness, including emotional, environmental, financial, intellectual, physical, spiritual, occupational, and social well-being, and how these areas can help someone rebuild a life worth living.

They also discuss the importance of addressing sexuality, intimacy, trauma, and sober sex within recovery. Richard shares why people in recovery may not know what sex or relationships feel like without substances, and why shame-free conversations about sexual identity, abuse, intimacy, and presence are essential. He also reflects on his own relationship with his wife and how working with Dr. Kort helped them build a monogamous, loving, soulful relationship that has lasted for decades.

The conversation also looks at addiction as a disease, not a choice, and why substance use disorder must be understood through compassion, science, and lived experience. Richard talks about emotional development, relationships in early recovery, relapse, denial, rationalization, medication, recovery campuses, and the importance of supportive environments. He also discusses why rules like avoiding relationships for the first year of sobriety may come from a valid concern, but should not always be treated as one-size-fits-all.

Richard and Dr. Kort also explore harm reduction, Narcan, mocktails, recovery-friendly workplaces, LGBTQ+ communities in recovery, mental health, suicidal thoughts, worthiness, and what it means to help people find their value again. Richard shares powerful insight from his own life and work, including how recovery coaching can help people access treatment, housing, Medicaid, identification, food, clothing, and long-term support.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Richard Jewell about addiction recovery, peer recovery coaching, sober sex, trauma, relationships, worthiness, harm reduction, recovery-friendly workplaces, the eight pillars of wellness, and what it really means to build a life worth living.

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Dr. Tanginika "Tangie" Cuascud joins the Smart Sex Smart Love Podcast with Dr. Joe Kort to discuss evolving ideas on sex and sexuality in relationships, erections, a surprise on sexlessness and gender, and more.

Tangie is the founder of the Texas Sexual Health specializing in action-based sexual rehabilitation and work with individuals and couples experiencing erectile dysfunction, premature or delayed ejaculation, performance anxiety, sexual disconnection, and sexless relationships.and you can find her online at:

www.texassexualhealth.com
 @TheSexDoctor on YouTube
Instagram: @TheSexDoctorRx
Facebook: Dr. Tanginika Cuascud

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Dan Savage is an internationally known sex advice columnist, author, activist, podcaster, and longtime host of the Savage Lovecast. For decades, his work has helped shape public conversations about sex, relationships, dating, marriage, monogamy, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ issues, kink, sexual honesty, and modern intimacy. He is also known for coining terms such as monogamish, pegging, and GGG, and for speaking openly about the topics many people are afraid to discuss.

In this conversation, Dan Savage and Dr. Joe Kort explore why so many couples avoid honest conversations about sex, desire, monogamy, cheating, and relationship agreements. Dan discusses why some relationships are more complicated than simple rules about betrayal, why sexless marriages can create painful emotional and sexual deprivation, and why there may be situations where the answer is not as simple as “just leave.” 

They also discuss monogamy, non-monogamy, and the importance of negotiating relationship agreements rather than assuming both partners define monogamy the same way. Dan shares how the term monogamish came from his own relationship experience and explains why some couples use it to describe sexual flexibility, while others use it simply to acknowledge that attraction to other people does not disappear in a committed relationship. 

The conversation also looks at straight men who have sex with men, sexual identity, sexual behavior, kink, pegging, bondage, oral sex, and the difference between attraction, fantasy, opportunity, trauma reenactment, and identity. Dan and Dr. Kort discuss where they agree, where they challenge each other, and why it is important to make room for sexual fluidity without erasing the reality that some men may also be struggling with shame, secrecy, or a closeted identity. They also explore Joe’s work on sides, the broader meaning of sex beyond penetration, and why expanding the definition of sex can help people experience more pleasure and less pressure.

Dan and Dr. Kort also discuss gay identity, bisexuality, trans men, labels, generational differences, HIV/AIDS activism, queer shame, open relationships, age-gap relationships, kink at Pride, and what Dan calls “woke-washed homophobia.” They reflect on how language changes, why words like gay, queer, bisexual, homosexual, and straight can carry different meanings for different people, and why allowing people to define themselves does not mean we stop thinking critically about behavior, honesty, and self-awareness.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Dan Savage about sex, cheating, monogamy, monogamish relationships, straight men who have sex with men, sides, pegging, kink, LGBTQ+ identity, sexual honesty, relationship agreements, queer culture, and the sexuality conversations most people avoid.

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Michael Pezzullo, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, gay men’s therapist, relationship coach, speaker, and creator of Therapy for Gay Men. His work focuses on helping gay men understand the deeper emotional and relational patterns shaping their dating lives, sexuality, attraction, confidence, self-worth, trauma, addiction, intimacy, and relationships.

In this conversation, Michael Pezzullo and Dr. Joe Kort explore why gay men often repeat the same dating and relationship patterns, why emotionally unavailable men can feel so compelling, and how early experiences, insecurity, shame, and the desire to belong can influence who men pursue and what they tolerate in relationships. Michael discusses how many gay men may feel stuck not because they lack insight, but because deeper emotional patterns continue to shape their choices beneath the surface.

They also discuss gay identity, labels, and the difference between calling oneself gay, queer, or something else entirely. Michael and Dr. Kort talk about why language can feel empowering for some people and painful for others, especially when certain words were once used as slurs. They also explore generational differences, individual identity, and why it is important to let people define themselves in the language that feels most accurate to them.

The conversation also looks at gay dating, body image, self-worth, and the pressure some men feel to fit into certain gay spaces or beauty standards. Michael shares his perspective on dating in places like West Hollywood, the myth that more options always make dating easier, and how comparison, insecurity, and the search for belonging can shape gay men’s experiences in community, sex, and relationships.

Michael and Dr. Kort also discuss open relationships, monogamy, porn, sexual confidence, erectile dysfunction medication, gay shame, and the importance of honest communication between partners. They explore why open relationships are not automatically better or worse than monogamy, why both require negotiation and emotional honesty, and why gay men need more space to talk openly about what works, what does not, and what actually feels safe and meaningful.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Michael Pezzullo about gay dating patterns, emotionally unavailable men, gay shame, open relationships, self-worth, sexuality, labels, body image, and what it takes for gay men to build stronger intimacy, confidence, and emotional safety.

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Master Arch is a fetish worker, pro dom, fetish creator, death escort, and financial fetishist whose work explores the deeper emotional and psychological sides of fetish culture. His work focuses on financial domination, emotional masochism, shame, power exchange, masculinity, vulnerability, and the ways people use erotic experiences to access feelings they may not be able to express anywhere else.

In this conversation, Master Arch and Dr. Joe Kort explore the psychology behind fetish, BDSM, financial domination, and emotional power exchange. Master Arch explains how FinDom is only one small part of the larger fetish world, and how money, submission, shame, guilt, regret, and emotional intensity can become part of a consensual erotic dynamic. He also discusses why emotional masochism is not simply about being hurt, but about safely bringing certain feelings to the surface inside a negotiated container.

They also discuss the difference between kink feeling therapeutic and kink being a replacement for therapy. Master Arch explains why BDSM can create breakthroughs, emotional release, and deep connection, while still emphasizing the importance of therapy, consent, vetting, negotiation, safewords, and aftercare. Dr. Kort also brings in the idea of trauma reenactment and trauma play, exploring how some people use erotic experiences to process pain, shame, or earlier emotional wounds.

The conversation also looks at how social media, Twitter/X spaces, OnlyFans, and influencer culture have changed the world of fetish and financial domination. Master Arch shares concerns about newer “influencer Doms” who may treat FinDom as a cash grab without understanding BDSM, consent, power exchange, risk awareness, or mentorship. He explains why submission is not the same as passivity, why domination requires responsibility, and why both Doms and subs need community, education, and care.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Master Arch about the psychology of fetish and emotional power exchange, why some people eroticize shame and vulnerability, how money can become part of BDSM, and what kink can reveal about human connection, consent, desire, and the need to be truly seen.

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Ray Aubel is a hypnotherapist, positivity coach, and founder of Intuitive Mind Hypnosis whose work focuses on helping people break free from anxiety, self-doubt, and deeply ingrained subconscious patterns. Through hypnosis and coaching, Ray helps clients understand how early experiences, shame, and social conditioning can shape the way they see themselves, relate to others, and move through the world.

In this conversation, Ray and Dr. Joe Kort explore how hypnosis can be used to quiet the conscious mind and work directly with the subconscious. Ray explains how patterns such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, hypervigilance, and self-sabotage often develop as protective responses, especially for gay men who grew up feeling unsafe, unseen, or disconnected from their authentic selves. He shares how hypnosis can help people interrupt old patterns, build new pathways, and reconnect with a deeper sense of calm and self-trust.

They also discuss the hidden emotional impact of growing up gay in a culture that often sexualizes, shames, or ignores LGBTQ+ identity. Dr. Kort introduces the concept of covert cultural sexual abuse, and Ray shares why this framework deeply resonates with the experiences he sees in his clients. Together, they explore how carrying a sexual secret, hiding parts of the self, and living in fear of rejection can create lasting anxiety, shame, and relationship struggles.

The conversation also challenges common misconceptions about hypnosis. Ray explains that clinical hypnosis is not about losing control or being manipulated, but about entering a relaxed state where deeper healing and repatterning can take place. He describes his six-session process, including pattern interruption, age regression, releasing old emotional baggage, and building confidence, self-acceptance, and a more positive vision for the future.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Ray Aubel about the hidden abuse and trauma of growing up gay, how subconscious patterns shape identity and relationships, and how hypnosis can help people feel safe enough to become who they already are.

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Juliane Maxwald is a licensed psychoanalyst and AASECT certified sex therapist whose work focuses on the deeper psychological dynamics shaping sexuality, desire, and relationships. With over 15 years of experience, she integrates psychoanalytic theory with modern sex therapy to help individuals and couples understand how unconscious patterns, attachment, and past experiences influence their intimate lives.

In this conversation, Juliane and Dr. Joe Kort explore the idea that sex is more than behavior, it is a window into the unconscious. Juliane shares how desire, arousal, and even sexual struggles often reflect deeper emotional patterns, including unresolved trauma, relational dynamics, and internalized shame. She introduces the concept of desire discrepancy and explains how differences in libido are rarely random, but instead reveal important insights about connection, stress, and personal history.

They also discuss infidelity through a psychological lens, challenging the idea that it is simply about betrayal or attraction to another person. Instead, they explore what affairs can represent emotionally, how couples can repair and grow from them, and why major life transitions often trigger these experiences. The conversation also touches on shame, ethical non-monogamy, and how open communication plays a critical role in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.

Together, they introduce the concept of outercourse, expanding the definition of sex beyond intercourse and encouraging a more flexible, creative, and individualized approach to intimacy. They discuss how rigid sexual scripts can create pressure and disconnection, and why redefining sex can help people experience more freedom, connection, and authenticity.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Juliane Maxwald about the unconscious meaning of sexuality, navigating desire and infidelity, and why rethinking sex can lead to deeper understanding and transformation.

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Jessica Levith is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified sex therapist whose work focuses on how life experiences shape sexuality. Trained in attachment focused EMDR and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, she helps clients understand their sexual identities through the lens of personal history, culture, relationships, and emotional development.

In this conversation, Jessica and Dr. Joe Kort explore the idea of sexual contextualism, a framework that looks at sexuality as something shaped by our life experiences rather than something fixed or easily categorized. Jessica introduces the concept of sexual emergence, the moment when someone realizes a new aspect of their sexuality, whether that involves attraction, desire, identity, or erotic interests that were previously unrecognized.

They also discuss how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help people relate differently to their sexual thoughts, feelings, and conflicts, especially when desires change or partners discover unexpected aspects of each other’s sexuality. Together they talk about evolving attractions, kink, identity shifts, and why understanding context can help people feel less shame and more curiosity about their sexual development.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Jessica Levith about sexual identity expansion, erotic evolution, and why discovering new parts of your sexuality can be a normal part of being human.

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Justin Depow is the inventor of C*ck Block, the first sex tech product designed specifically to combine penetration and frot in one shared experience. After leaving a successful corporate career in product management, Justin took a personal challenge and turned it into a bold entrepreneurial journey. Following years of struggling with undiagnosed pelvic floor dysfunction that made anal sex painful and anxiety producing, he began questioning why intimacy in gay male culture was so narrowly defined. What started as a deeply personal frustration evolved into more than a decade of research, prototyping, and persistence to create a product that expands how queer men and other penis havers can experience connection and pleasure face to face.

In this candid and wide ranging conversation, Justin and Dr. Joe Kort explore the meaning of frot, why outercourse is often dismissed as not real sex, and how rigid top and bottom roles can limit sexual expression. Justin shares the emotional impact of finally receiving the correct medical diagnosis, how pelvic floor physical therapy changed his life, and why he felt compelled to design something that offered an alternative to anal intercourse without sacrificing intimacy. He also opens up about the realities of launching a sex toy company, from manufacturing challenges and international supply chains to unexpected barriers from banks, warehouses, and online advertising platforms that continue to stigmatize sexual wellness businesses.

The discussion also highlights the growing visibility of sides and others who prefer non anal sex, and the cultural resistance that still exists within and outside the LGBTQ community. Justin explains how customer feedback has shaped the evolution of C*ck Block into a customizable system with different textures and upcoming innovations, including new form factors and vibration options. At its core, his mission aligns closely with Joe’s long standing message that pleasure, connection, and sexual satisfaction do not have to revolve around penetration.

Listen to this Smart Sex, Smart Love episode as Dr. Joe Kort talks with Justin Depow about redefining gay intimacy, challenging sexual scripts, innovating in queer sex tech, and expanding what counts as real sex.

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