Emsolation

Question for you first up, no need to answer because obvs we can’t hear you, but here it is nonetheless. Do you think you were the backbone of your household during the pandemic? If you said “ya huh”, “yes”, “well duuuuh” or anything else in the affirmative, then huzzah because Em’s intro is all about YOU! Em’s got props and well dones for you because there’s a chance you didn’t get a well done from the people around you, they saw loosening lockdown laws and bolted, Em’s here to say she sees you and wants to recognise that selfless work just in case those around you didn’t. Then Em and Michael briefly discuss the outbreak in Adelaide, Michael is gonna take a hardline on it this time around, he’s all about shutting those borders if we have to. Our Queen and savior, Dolly Parton, sat down for a talk with Oprah Winfrey, which needs discussion, there’s also questions to be had around the architecture of the flesh gloves Dolly was rocking. Then it’s on to an extensive chat on the Netflix documentary ‘The Crown’ which dropped its 4th season over the weekend. Em hasn’t really had a chance to binge it all as of yet, she only been able to sample a few episodes mostly because she was trapped in a vortex of teen cleaning hell. She’s still a little bit traumatised by what she found, apparently, and this is a direct quote, “there’s not enough showers in the world for me to wash off what I found in Odette’s room” so that sounds spectacularly disgusting, and I for one can’t wait to hear more. So perhaps let your last meal settle a smidge in your tummy, if you’re not good with tales of teenage complacency and what kind of bacteria and exotic funguses they can cultivate as a result of that, you might wanna proceed with caution. Everyone else can dive right in and experience it all in living, breathing, podcast colour whenever you’re ready.

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So when it came time to start recording this episode, we thought we might try and not talk about Donald Trump, but the fact that he’s being such a big baby about the U.S. Election results, meant that Em and Michael inevitably found themselves talking about how he refuses to go, leaving them wondering how this is all going to play out. We also briefly touched on the idea of Ivanka running for President, Michael reckons it won’t happen, Em thinks it needs to be a reality TV show. Then it’s onto an in depth chat about voter fraud, but not in the US Election, no this fraud happened as part of the voting for the 2020 Bird of the Year contest in New Zealand. Ya huh ACTUAL voter fraud happened...in the Bird of the Year contest, talk about ruffling some feathers, it’s enough to make you fly the coop...and other bird related puns. Em was naturally really upset because she LOVES birds and for the first time in the history of this podcast, Em got to flex her native bird knowledge muscles, and yes that is a strange flex but we’re here for it. Em actually takes us through all her favourite native birds, Michael actually only has one bird he rates, Em clearly has many faves, across MANY different categories, so there’s a lot of bird chat from our resident bird lady. We then pause bird chat after Em mentions the scene in Steel Magnolias where Drum, the Dad, shoots at a tree full of birds, so that Michael can tell us about the actor he’s currently working with who met Dolly Parton a couple of weeks ago. This of course allowed Em to show off her Dolly Parton accent, hot tip, it’s way better than her New Zealand accent, and also how she can relate to Drum because her trees are full of noisy Rainbow Lorikeets, but unlike him, she would NEVER take to them with a shotgun. Finally, we’ve gotta reflect on the shit show of our Federal Government refusing to fly the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander flags in the Senate chamber for NAIDOC Week. So fling open the door on our audio aviary, stocked to the rafters with the finest in feathered finery, and crack open an egg of podcast goodness into your ears, and yeah we know it sounds messy, but we promise it’s totally not.

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Some might call ‘Dildos and Dead People’ a provocative title for a podcast, and if it wasn’t an episode of Emsolation you might have justified concerns about why those two things are being bought together into one podcast. Then again, maybe you saw that title and thought to yourself “I’m intrigued” or “no way, is this an audio tutorial” or even “finally” and if that’s the case, then you probably can’t sit with us, but we still totally appreciate you being here anyway. So for all those who need reassurance on the episode title before you press play and proceed, it all revolves around the Republicans and the fall out of the U.S. election. Obviously if you haven’t spent ALL your spare time awaiting the arrival of Em and Michael’s post mortem of the US election, then how very dare you and do you even know what you’ve been missing out on?. There’s a list of things to check off, but the fact that the Republicans booked their press conference into a car park at a place called Four Seasons Landscaping, rather than the Four Seasons Hotel is our priority. That’s where the dildos and dead people come in, yes seriously, the Republicans chose to hold a press conference in the carpark at Four Seasons Landscaping, which just happens to sit between a crematorium and an adult sex shop, because of course it does. There’s also Em and Michael’s favourite celebrity reactions to the U.S. election to cover off, plus they wanna share their love for Jill Biden, and Michael wants to outline the moments that made him cry the most. There’s also a bunch of other things happening on the planet, so we’ll also check in on Dan Andrews and the further lifting of restrictions in Victoria, and Em has been sitting on a LOT of excitement around the announcement of the cast for the Australian version of the Broadway musical ‘Hamilton’. So step away from whatever it is you’re wasting your time on right now, and spend some quality time hanging out with us instead.

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So while the world holds its collective breath over the outcome of the 2020 Presidential Race, we obviously have more U.S. election chat for you. At the time of recording we were still balanced on a knife's edge and waiting on Pennsylvania to hurry up and report their figures. While we all wait on the results, it would seem that some people in power are rapidly unspooling. So there’s the amazing press release that was written in all caps from Trump to sort through, plus they’re apparently trying to keep him away from the press. Then there’s a new show on Netflix that Em’s obsessed with, it’s called ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ and it revolves around a young female chess prodigy in the 50’s, surprisingly Em felt she and the central character had a lot in common. Then there’s a lot of time devoted to working through the Goop Christmas List, because of course there is, but if you think it’s going to be all about taking the piss out of Gwyneth and her Goop empire, think again. In fact, Em even dropped the truth bomb that she would actually like EVERYTHING on it, including the $48,000 Pyramid Commode. Em isn’t afraid to say she unabashedly loves the entire Goop Christmas list, she wouldn’t actually buy it of course, she can’t afford it for one, but she still loves it all and she certainly wouldn’t say no if it was all gifted to her, so cmon Gwyneth, sort a glitter sister out if you’re reading this hehe. We also need to help Em process the fact that she has somehow become the vagina woman and how she doesn’t necessarily wanna be that. Remember how when you were little and you perhaps said you loved something specific, like Batman, and then for the next ten years, each and every person you know, gifts you a Batman themed gift over and over again? Yeah, well that’s now happening to Em with vaginas, ever since she ushered her 12 dancing vaginas on stage, she’s now become the vagina woman. Anytime there’s anything remotely vaginal content-wise online, Em gets tagged in it, and she doesn’t necessarily wanna be that person. So remove her name from that lady garden post you were about to tag her in, and step into another edition of Emsolation.

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Okay kids we’ve got things to celebrate, NO not the U.S. Election results (at the time of writing it was still too early to call, sweet baby cheeses can we please have something to celebrate there?) the thing we’re celebrating is Em and Michael actually doing this episode TOGETHER! Ya huh, they were actually together in the same room, face to face, no screens, no buffering, no pyjamas or sans pants action, everyone was rocking proper going outside outfits. It’s a FIRST for Emsolation and it all happened while Em and Michael kept their eyes glued to the rolling U.S. Election coverage, hence you’ll get lots of Election chat. Sadly for American’s, there’s no democracy sausage wrapped in bread for them to stuff their faces with after they vote, instead they just get a sticker, which Chelsea Handler used to decorate her boobs and share on social media, so obviously that gets a mention. They’ll reflect on Beyonce’s decision to come out as a Biden and Harris supporter, Em reckons she left it way too late. It also left Em and Michael wondering who organises and co-ordinates the divas when they decide they wanna come out and endorse a candidate, and why so slack when it came to getting Queen Bey sorted. So basically it’s a LOT of Election talk, but in the same room for the first time in the history of the podcast. So prepare yourself for the unrestrained joy of these two being in the same room together, one of them conjuring up their very best ‘Magical Unicorn of Death’ moments, which naturally encourages ‘The Enchanted Seahorse of Hope’ to step in and suggest a few ‘lighter’ options, it’s how it’s meant to be, so press play and have at it at your earliest convenience 

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Things are going to be little different this week, but it’s going to be ok; Em is here to guide you all through it in this mini support pod! She knew you’d be worried if NOTHING came out on a Tuesday, so she wanted to reassure you and let you know what’s going to be happening. Obviously it’s U.S ELECTION WEEK, Em and Michael’s grand final week, so listen to Mother and everything will be ok, with the pod... We can’t say the same for America.

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To begin with, Em’s putting out a call to action over the cutting down of a sacred 350-year-old Djab Wurrung Directions Tree in Victoria, it’s a devastating loss for our Indigenous community and it’s important to understand why, and what we can do to help prevent further sacred trees from suffering the same fate. Then there’s the strangeness of no longer being in lockdown for Victorians to process, as Em and Michael step cautiously  into their new found freedom, there’s naturally been a lot of emotional cycles we’ve had to process over that time. There’s the reaction to Em’s appearance on the podcast of her ex-boss to work through, with Em revealing the exact truth about her emotional state after she recorded it. Hot tip, she was in the depths of despair ‘bout it, thankfully Michael is well schooled in how to handle those moments and always has a plan for when Em is feeling that way. How ace are best friends who get you and know how to help us reset when we’re feeling meh. There’s some US chat to follow that, with a rather bleak prediction from the Magical Unicorn of Death, which figures, what with the name and all, anyway she’s officially announcing it, she thinks Donald Trump is actually going to steal the election. That’s not all the magically horned prancer of doom is dropping either, she also outlines exactly how she thinks Trump will do it too. There’s also what the appointment of Amy Coney Barrett as a Supreme Court Judge will ultimately mean for the US to mull over, and whilst the Enchanted Seahorse of Hope is maintaining that Biden can do it, the Magical Unicorn is having none of it, and totes reckons Trump will abscond with it. Em would also like to add a footnote that she’s super excited about her Emsolation Conversation that’s dropping Friday featuring Lucy Peach. Lucy is a period preacher and she has a life hack for people with cycles, so you can learn to harness the power of your ovulation and menstruation cycles and basically become super humans, so no biggy, but also….gaaaa get excited. Also it should be noted that this upcoming episode is for anyone who loves anyone with a cycle, it’s not just for people who get periods. It’s designed for ANYONE to listen to, so you can understand that mystical thing that we never talk about, mostly because of shame around our bodies and how they naturally function, so DON’T be afraid to listen, learn and enjoy it with us together.  

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There’s excitement in the air with Odie heading back to school and Em has found herself wistfully thinking of when she was 13, back then she obsessing over Fred Savage from the TV Show ‘The Wonder Years’, and just wanting to be around her teeny tween friends, so she’s impressed with how well Odie has dealt with lockdown. Then there’s time to reflect on Em’s recent appearance on the podcast of her old radio boss Craig, they haven’t talked in a really long time and Em wasn’t even keen on the idea initially, but then she decided to pull on her big girl pants and have at it. So Em finally got to vent a bunch of negative feelings and as a result it actually turned into a very healing experience. Then Michael returns to help Em sort through the latest developments around Victoria’s Covid restrictions, the weekend saw the Government opting for a cautious pausing of restriction lifting in Victoria while they wait for more results. There’s a brand new Sasha Baron Cohen movie called ‘Borat Subsequent Moviefilm’ that’s got social media worked up into a frenzy and Em has a LOT to say about that. Also across the weekend Em and Michael found time to check out some of the latest episodes of the Netflix series ‘My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman’. His new season of guests includes Kim Kardashian West, Robert Downey Jr., Dave Chapelle and the always amazing Lizzo so there’s LOTS to chat about, plus there’s also Adele’s appearance on ‘Saturday Night Live’ to work through too. So this episode of Emsolation is really a pop culture bonanza with a sprinkling of reminiscing and vengeful podcast venting thrown in, so situation normal really.

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If there’s one thing we can thank this pandemic for, besides endless memes and a variety of artisan baking skills, it’s gotta be all the soul searching and reflection that we’ve been able to do on ourselves whilst in lockdown. Nothing quite says global pandemic like being left alone to dwell on your own thoughts and insecurities, whilst being surrounded by all the useless things you shoved into a trolley during a panic buy you did before lockdown kicked in. So it’s no surprise that the Emsolation podcast has offered up some huge realisations and thoughts during its existence. In this episode’s introduction, Em reveals how it’s taken her 30 odd years of intense scrutiny and judgement of her own body, to finally cut it some slack, and she’s never felt better. Em’s realised how much she’s been obsessing over her diet for so long, and to no end really, so huzzah to cutting ourselves some slack. Once the introduction is sorted then Em and Michael take all of us on a journey that begins with Michael’s beloved Brett Sutton being under fire, there’s hits on Gladys, there’s also hits on Jacinda’s husband Clarke again. That then gently unfolds into a discussion about why Em and Michael are no longer willing to address Britney’s instagram account anymore, plus there’s also the announcement from ‘Tiger King’s’ arch nemesis, Carole Baskin, that she’s bisexual. As Em said in her rundown of what was in the episode so I could write this description, “oh look, it goes everywhere” which she then swiftly followed up with a giggle and then this explain “we were both sleep deprived and scattered, in fact the podcast could be called sleep deprived and scattered today”. So if this podcast isn’t titled as such, then you know they’re either lying, or they’re so sleep deprived and scattered that they’ve even forgotten their own snazzy episode name. Regardless, you’re assured a wonderful, meandering, but equally hectic listen as you’ve come to expect, so plug in and press play NOW.

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