Emsolation

Remember when you used to race to get Dolly magazine the second it came out from the news agency?! First you’d rip the free blue eyeshadow off that was stuck to the cover, briefly pause to have a smell of the new impulse fragrance and then you’d go quickly to the Dolly doctor section! There you’d find questions about nipples, pubes and intimate smells... Well this is kind of the podcast version of that, except not really.

Em and Michael are the Dilemma Doctors and they’re here to solve your dilemmas! No dilemma is too big or too small. But maybe let’s keep them petty so we can be funny about it. Enjoy the first instalment of the Dilemma Doctor’s, Em and Michael help a man to figure out how to tell his partner he’s not very good at giving gifts. FUN!

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Before we start, you might like to secure your tray tables and tighten your seatbelt because Em has issued a warning that this episode is an emotion charged, passionate discussion filled edition of the podcast and you’re gonna need to strap your shit in. To begin with we discuss Ellen’s apology and it’s a full deep dive, we talk ALL of the things from the backlash and her outfit choice, to the way the audience was shown and what we think will happen next. Then it’s onto Dan Andrews and we also briefly touch on hot Auslan’s pants package, although NO TOUCHING, just a teeny touch of discussion in and around it. Obviously we still wanna remain respectful of his valuable and wonderful work and make sure we don’t cross the lines of decency on someone just doing their job. Em then drops her theory around Dan and how she reckons he will definitely replace Albo as the leader of the Labor Party for Federal Government, Em is also obsessed with his wife Catherine. Then hold your breath for another deep, deep dive as they dissect the brand new Paris Hilton documentary, so that’s all of the things that make this a tighten your straps type of episode. In fact, at the time of writing Em wasn’t even sure what her intro would contain, but she assures us it won’t be too much because everything else recorded with Michael was as hefty as the pants of that guy doing Auslan at the press conference, too much? Probably, but I couldn’t resist the rather obvious comparison, oh and we should also add that Em stood up THREE TIMES during the recording, ya huh she actually stood up three times because she got so overwrought. She also had to apologise to everyone at the end of it AND she woke up her children, it was HECTIC. So clutch your figurative pearls and secure all of the straps and enjoy.

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It’s reflection time as we begin this podcast, and that doesn’t mean we are looking at ourselves in the mirror, but obviously if we are, then LOOK at how fierce we look. Anyway the type of reflection we’re talking about is the sort that Em needs right now to help inspire her to keep getting out of bed during lockdown. She needs to look for the lessons learnt and the silver linings, it’s just how her brain functions. So we open this podcast with a chat about all the positive things that have come out of being in lockdown, and here’s the hot tip, turns out even Em was pleasantly surprised at how many there actually were. Then Michael joins Em to talk about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, in particular her amazing marriage to her husband Marty, which actually helped Em to reflect on hers, and how Em and Scott figured out how to stop fighting. Turns out it was surprisingly simple when they finally cottoned onto it. Then it’s onto Miley Cyrus saying she faked it with Liam Henderson, Em and Michael are not about that, their national pride reared up and they get super protective over Liam. Speaking of being protective, they’re also having none of bogans thinking they can use John Farnham’s You’re The Voice for their anti-mask rallies. I think Em expressed it well when she sent me the rundown for this description by simply saying “NOT. OKAY., okay?”. Plus there’s also time to cover off how Em got accidentally day drunk on Rosé on Sunday, doesn’t seem very accidental to me but here we are. The full explain is within this podcast, so grab your headphones and have at it like Em attacks a glass of Rosé, with large gulps and lots of satisfying exhales throughout.

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We first heard from Liz on the "Live from the Roadside" episode back in May. Liz sent Em and Scotty a message asking for some help when she went for a promotion. Fast forward to this week and Liz has sent in another message, and let's just say, things are looking up. Good on ya Liz!

 

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Need some advice? In the intro for this episode, Em presents us with the idea of her upcoming advice segment, it’s kind of like that grand tradition of obsessively turning pages to get to the Dolly Doctor section, but without any page turning, or help from whoever the hell Dolly was, or even any Doctors. Basically Em and her bestie Michael are going to take on your dilemmas and offer up a world of thought provoking and thoroughly unique advice. Their speciality is petty stuff, with petty family arguments naturally being their strong suit, so start thinking about what advice you’ve been hankering for and get amongst it, they start doing it from next week. Then it’s onto a documentary update as Em and Michael offer up their latest favourites, with Em choosing something uplifting with ‘My Octopus Teacher’ which is about a burnt out filmmaker who befriends and in a non creepy way kinda falls in love with an octopus and learns some life lessons as a result. Not so uplifting, but equally important, is Michael’s choice of ‘The Social Dilemma’ which is a terrifying deep dive into why social media is basically set up to doom us and usher in the end of the world, thankfully there is some advice on how we can change and avoid that. Then there’s a dick pic wrap up which takes in Chris Evans reaction to his dick pic slip up, and that’s followed up by the story of the ADF Officer who was busted “entertaining” a lady in his hotel room while he’s in quarantine. Obviously Em and Michael don’t condone that sort of behaviour, but they also have to acknowledge that they do love the fact that she’s a 53 year old sassy woman spending quality time with a 26 year old ADF officer. Is this the 365 Days sequel we’ve all been craving, but again, they don’t condone breaches of quarantine, but also again, it’s pretty saucy. So step up to another episode filled with all the kind of eclectic goodness you didn’t even realise your ears were craving. 

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We got a bunch of feedback from you over the last few days, so we’re using that to start things off in today's episode. Some of you lovely listeners have lamented the loss of Em’s opening monologue, where she normally talks about life, her thoughts and the such and such that's been floating around in her mind. So she addresses that to begin with, there’s also time to address some of Em and Michael’s diet talk from last week, some of you reached out to say they felt there was a bit of fat shaming happening in that convo, naturally Em’s had some time to think about that, and she shares all the conclusions she’s come to around that. So it actually turns out we have a very long opening monologue as a result of all of that, so ask and ye shall receive, although maybe some of you will regret ye asking for the return of the opening monologue...pfft as if. Then Em and Michael do a very extensive deep dive into the Chris Evans, aka Captain America, dick pic saga, where he accidentally leaked a camera roll shot that included something he probably never intended to expose, a fleshy tent pole. Content warning obviously as this proves to be an extensive deep dive, they really take it there, in fact Em is even suggesting that you will probably come out the other side of this conversation with a Bachelor in Dick Pics, I genuinely can’t see what the problem is with that. Then it’s onto the live action remake of the Disney movie ‘Mulan’ (fun fact - when Em says Mulan she can’t do it without sounding like Kath Day Knight, it’s totally adorbs) anyway this movie is super problematic, but Em still loved the strong female lead. Finally there’s just enough time to focus on the adjustments to Victoria’s lockdown tweaks, which now allow single people to choose a bubble buddy that they can spend time with, and how one woman is actually auditioning people to see if they’re worthy of being her bubble buddy. Obviously this podcast is the only bubble buddy you need, so fill the bath, sink below the bubbles and get your listen on at your earliest convenience.

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After Em and Michael decided a new lockdown extension was the perfect time to re-commit to losing the extra weight they’ve added during the first two lockdowns, New Lockdown, New Us was born. So it makes sense for Em and Michael to begin this episode with a full rundown of their health journey so far. That journey got off to a rocky start with Em experiencing a teensy hiccup on night one, where she found herself secretly eating in bed at 11pm. She can totally justify it though, which she naturally does, that leads into a game of Justify My Food (yes Em sings the intro live, and yes it’s Madonna inspired and squeal, I know right, so excited) anyway this game sees Michael offering up various food items, which Em then justifies by offering up the perfect reason for why it’s okay to eat each one, no matter how bad it is for you, trust us, it’s a very special skill. We’ll also talk about Em’s new self appointed title - Queen of the Magpies. She’s convinced she is now one of them, having been accepted into their feathered community. We then move onto the recommendation from the Victorian Deputy Chief Health Officer, Dr Nick Coatsworth that we all make our beds, and maybe try some housework to help us get through the new lockdown extension. Understandably Em had some very strong thoughts to share around that, then inspired by Daniel Andrews talking about sex, and the difference between friends and intimate partners, during a recent press conference, Michael impersonates Dan explaining sex to his son. There’s also time to talk through the announcement that ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ is ending after 20 seasons, and how Em has an odd respect for that family. She actually doesn’t judge them as much as you might think she probably would, because naturally Em respects a strong matriarch that’s getting shit done. That being said, she probably wouldn’t sell her childs sex tape...but everything else she gets, they’re husslers, and she can respect that. So once again, it’s a heady mix of all of the things, but we can justify that, so sit down and enjoy another substantial feed of delectable audio delights, with a hefty seasoning of laughs throughout.

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Get ready for a very special toddler themed treat to kick things off, because there’s a lovely little performance of Elio’s good morning song at the beginning of this episode. That teensy little adorable munchkin of delight that is Elio just happened to be seated on his mother's lap as we began the show, so we now have the one and only recording of Em’s world famous good morning song for everyone to enjoy, so huzzah to that. That done it’s then onto a surprisingly optimistic chat between Em and Michael about the new lockdown situation in Victoria, they’re feeling that it’s not going to be as long as everyone thinks. They’ve also got the feels for all the beauticians unable to work right now, however their sadness over that situation is also tinged with an element of fear on their behalf. There’s a tsunami of pubic hair that has been allowed to grow and cultivate itself over the last few months, and Em and Michael are worried that most beauticians are totally unaware that their Olympics are just around the corner, and their trophies will end up being overstuffed garbage bags, filled to the brim with unwanted body carpeting. New lockdown extensions have also inspired the ushering in of the new Em and Michael, they’re going to lose the weight that they’ve both put on in the last two lockdowns. So they’re seeing this as their final chance to emerge from their individual cocoons, as beautiful, fit, healthy butterflies. They’ve committed to it, it’s going to happen, so far, so good...but that was what was happening on day one, so who knows where they are right now. There’s also time to reveal how Em was invited to be a part of one particular reality show and why Em ultimately decided to say NO. Hot tip from Em, she laughed A LOT during this episode, there was a lot of laughing, so expect to join in and maybe grab a towel if too much laughing compromises your pelvic floor area, just saying.

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In this episode, with Em and her hubby Scott celebrating their 20th anniversary during the week, Em and her bestie Michael will deep dive into a chat about long term relationships, covering everything from how they last, to the different attributes of Michaels relationship compared to Em’s relationship. Then it’s on to the new book about Melania Trump written by her ex best friend called ‘Melania and Me - The Rise and Fall of My Friendship with the First Lady’ which naturally leads to the admission that Michael is the one and ONLY person that could write a tell all book about Em. Unfortunately for Michael, because he has LOTS of close friends, they realise he would be screwed on multiple levels if all of his close friends decided to write an exposé on him. Also in a very ‘how dare he, off with his head’ type moment, Michael refers to Em as Trump, saying that she can be very Trump like, I’m shook just writing that, so no doubt this will be a testing moment for their friendship. There’s also a new TV show obsession that’s just casually wandered into Em’s life called ‘The Casketeers’ that follows a New Zealand couple, Francis and Kaiora Tipene, who own and run Tipene Funerals. Em is describing it as “just the greatest show, Francis is the campest straight man on the face of the planet and we have so many things in common, including our love of leaf blowers” so there’s all of that to work through too. In fact ‘The Casketeers’ is such a life affirming show, that it’s completely changed Em’s perspective on death and she’s now no longer afraid of dying because of this show. There’s actually so much television to consume that Michael’s also got two other TV shows that he thinks everyone needs to watch, and they are ‘I May Destroy You’ and ‘I Hate Suzie’. All of that will eventually wrap up once Em decides it’s time to get out of her pyjamas and put on a winged eyeliner as a special treat for her husband. You however are welcome to stay in PJ’s and consume this with or without a winged eyeliner of course.

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Let's start by saying that when I got the recorded explainer from Em for this episode, so I could actually write this description for you, I fully got to the end of it, burst out laughing and said out loud to an empty room...WHAT? Which clearly means there's a lot to unpack, but isn’t there always? To begin, just know that within this episode, Em and Michael will tackle topics like death, cultural appropriation and Victorian politics, so already it’s nothing but light and fluffy content kids. We should also flag please don’t @ them with whack comments, as a lot of what Em and Michael do in every episode of this podcast is workshop themselves in front of the microphone. They are in no way here to school anyone, they recognise and are well aware that that’s not their job, this is just their way of work shopping things for themselves out loud. Obviously there’s chat about the passing of Chadwick Boseman, which leads into a talk about how there needs to be more conversations around death by young people, which hopefully could result in all of us living better lives and not sweating the small stuff. There’s also another social post from Adele to work through, every time she posts something it usually stops the world, so that’s no surprise. This time she’s copping it online for cultural appropriation having posted a picture of herself wearing her hair in Bantu knots and a bikini top of the Jamaican flag. They’ll also cover off the State of Emergency that Dan has announced in Victoria and the freak outs that are going on as a result, and they’ll try and explain why it’s all needed, so more out loud workshopping here obviously. Finally they’ll also briefly touch on Brad Pitt’s new girlfriend being in an open marriage, plus there’s Em’s newest obsession, which is a TV show that involves a man, 20 wives and a female bounty hunter. So get ready for another edition of all of that, and so much more, and don’t ever say we didn’t warn you what to expect. 

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