Emsolation

Em and Michael are part of the last generation of humans who really had to do some work to find anything remotely saucy or nude to ogle. Once upon a time, before the internet filed away a bajillion cazillion nudes, finding an example of nakedness was the domain of late night foreign movies on SBS or an R rated Hollywood flick. It was SUPER rare, so with that in mind, you’ll understand why Em and Michael have hijacked an entire podcast just so they can reflect how OBSESSED they are, over a little Polish/Italian sex thriller that just dropped on Netflix, called “365 Days”. In it, we meet Massimo Torricelli, he’s a member of a Sicilian Mafia family, who casually kidnaps Laura, the sales director of a luxury hotel, so he can hold her captive, giving her 365 days to fall in love with him. According to Em, it makes 50 Shades of Grey look like Home and Away, it’s super horny, it’s got lots of saucy angles, including yacht sex captured on high from a drone, bascially this stuff is catnip for horny middle age women and gay guys. It’s a deep and saucy dive into a movie that’ll blow the wigs off any review David and Margaret delivered on the Movie Show. It also reminded Em and Michael about all those saucy thrillers that came out in the 90’s, like Basic Instinct, Poison Ivy, Wild Things and Wild Orchid, and they’re totally here for Netflix jumping back on that titillating genre bandwagon. So find a quiet spot, forget about how hard you had to dig for a glimpse of nudity in ye olde times and enjoy two people celebrating some on demand nudieness in your ears right now. 

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Em’s daughter Odie is stoked to be heading back to school, she also dropped a surprise reveal on where she’s been heading to get info on the current protests and the Black Lives Matter movement. Em also has details about a great charity which helps Indigenous women called Sisters Inside. Then it’s on to Masterchef contestant Simon and his claim that vegetables are the way forward for the future of Australia? They could well be, but Simon’s offering of soggy broccoli isn’t going to be the way forward for the mouths of Australia, the Masterchef judges, or for him on the show. The Final 10 are ready to fight it out for the crown and Em and Michael are feeling it’s Reynold for the win. Cafes are slowly opening back up after lockdown and Michael is all about it. He’s throwing himself at it with vigour by going EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. He makes his booking, uses his full hour, orders all of the things off the menu, whereas Em....not so much. Well she’s been out to a cafe once, with her hand sani in tow of course, she ordered, she ate, everything went okay, but it’ll be another month before Em’s doing it again.

Plus Scott’s back to help Em with her “spiraling” issue, which has nothing to do with zucchini noodles, and everything to do with those moments where something goes wrong. If you find yourself panicking and going from 1 to 100 in those unexpected moments, almost worrying that the world is ending and the sky is falling in, fear not, Scott has some great advice to help you navigate it better.

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Em has been watching A LOT of the Disney film Moana. Like.. A LOT. We’re talking daily viewings and she’s started reading very deeply into some of the hidden meanings she claims are there.. Michael reveals he was once a vegan and that Em is his political Nostradamus. I’m told this will all make sense when you listen, but don’t quote me on that. Comedian and friend of the pod Nazeem Hussain also drops by to tell an AMAZING tale involving his favourite sauce, an internet troll and a pair of PJs. This ep really has everything, are you ready?! YES YOU ARE!

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Em chats with Santilla Chingaipe, who is an award-winning journalist and a documentary filmmaker. Her work explores migration, cultural identities and politics.Santilla was born in Zambia, and moved to Australia with her family when she was nine.

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Em and Michael discuss the situation in America and how it relates to Australia, Sunday’s surprise Masterchef elimination and Em finally releases her inner most thoughts on judge Andy. Poor Andy, poor, sweet, clueless Andy. Coach Scotty B helps Em work through her fears of addressing controversial topics publicly (in a surprise coaching session) and he also assists listener Jess with her work/life energy balance. So strap in Emsolators for another thought provoking episode, and remember, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

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In the very first bonus episode of Emsolation, Em sits down with Michelle Andrews of the Shameless podcast.

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Em’s realised she needs a hobby, but is also aware she spends most of her time relentlessly mocking her hubbies hobby of punching out endless kilometres in lycra whilst strapped to a carbon fibre bicycle. So there’s that to unpack first, then it’s a whirlwind of celebrity tidbits as Em and Michael break down what Britney’s been up to in isolation, and share the cuteness of how an entire Irish village in lockdown kept Matt Damon’s presence in their town a secret.

Then, it’s Emsolation Question Time, where you get to help decide the future for the characters on the Aussie TV series “Five Bedrooms''. Michael is busy writing the script for Season Two, as an Emsolation listener you’ve got an exclusive chance to vote on whether the Corona Virus should be reflected in the new season. Is this Michael’s low key way of making sure he gets to kill off more beloved TV characters? Past scripting would suggest yes, but maybe it’s just his way of ensuring more moments from Em’s iso-life end up on our TV screens. Regardless, it means that your votes will help decide if lockdown is worth reflecting in the brand new season of “Five Bedrooms”.

Finally it’s a visit from Joel Creasey to wrap things up, as he talks us through his experience in the jungle with Julie Goodwin, and what’s been happening for him in iso. So put your best iso outfit on, pyjamas we assume, and settle into some podcast glitter for your listening holes.

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As a mother to two teenagers and a toddler, Em has had some time to reflect on being their mum whilst in iso, and she’s come to the realisation that she was way too hard on herself with her first born. So if you’re a first time mum, get ready for some words of wisdom on taking it easier on yourself. Then unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on where it sits with you, we step into jizz talk. It starts out as a casual chat about life after lockdown, with Micheal already booking restaurant tables and Em deciding she will continue to live like it’s Stage 4 restrictions.

She’s either head to toe in glitter and on a stage, or she’s hunkered down in her anxiety blanket, on the couch in her PJ’s, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, there’s very little middle ground. Then it’s on to the end of reality TV as we know it, with the arrival of Labor of Love, aka The Dad-chelor, where one woman chooses her sperm donor from 15 male contestants. Is that it? Have we gotten to the lowest of the low in reality TV concepts? Probably not, because Em has a few suggestions to explore, plus Michael casually reveals a secret Em has never heard, which involved him donating some of his baby batter for research. Colour Em shook, but not so much that she can’t talk about how much she loves Lady Gaga’s new song ‘Rain On Me’, which naturally  ushers in even more chat about secret song meanings that are guaranteed to ruin pop music for all time.

Then it’s over to Scott for some wholesome content where he helps a listener called Meg build her resilience and realise she has a super power. So press play now and enjoy a journey from motherhood, to smut and then back to wholesome town again, bless.

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Let's talk about the new video clip for Harry Styles single ‘Watermelon Sugar’ shall we...? Mostly because Em has come to a realisation that it’s got very little to do with adding sucrose to fruit, seems it’s more about when a lady is getting her lower garden attended to orally. It’s an ode to touching, and even though Harry is rocking a variety of groovy nana outfits throughout, and all the models in the clip aren’t social distancing AT ALL, Em and Michael are totally here for it.

From there it’s a gentle segue to casually ask if Ellen is Satan? Seems a lot of people are convinced she might be, then there’s that new Netflix show ‘The Great’ to talk about, and we’re left asking, is the new trend of jazzing up historical events the new norm? Naturally that ends as you’d assume...with a saucy reading of some erotic Bill and Hillary Clinton fan fiction, so we’re really covering a bunch of pleasure zones with this podcast. We’ll wrap it all up with a visit from the amazing singer, dancer and actor, Christie Whelan-Browne as she reveals how life in iso is going for her too.

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Okay be honest...you know how you’ve got this wild, crazy dream where you settle in for a podcast squished full of maximum Em and Michael just having at it, mostly about Masterchef, and not much else? Well prepare to have your wild, crazy and bizarrely coincidental dream fulfilled, because that’s what we’ve just gone and done.

Press play now and indulge in a deep dive into all things Masterchef, taking in everything from everyone’s best mate Hayden Quinn’s recent departure, even though he’s a great friend of Em’s, she’s not afraid to be harsh over some of Hayden’s choices and is even asking should he even be in the Masterchef kitchen this time around? Then it’s on to Em and Michael’s covert mission to befriend Masterchef judges, Melissa and Jock, by dressing up as them, so they’d slide into their DM’s, job done. Now they’re asking, is dressing up as someone and forcing them to notice you on socials, really a good way to initiate a friendship?

To round things out, Michael drops a heap of great tips for a listener with writers block and anyone who’s feeling that they’ve been “wasting” isolation time. We promise it doesn’t involve writing a death for one of your favourite characters. Why are you still here, go listen, NOW! 

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Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/Emsolation

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