Enneagram and Marriage

As we're talking about all month, every marriage has gaps and seasons where connection runs thin or a need goes unspoken for too long. As you're learning to healthily differentiate, don't move so far away that you lose sight of the connections you DO need to have. Find where your healthy and unhealthy gaps are right here and make the healthiest move for you and your family as we learn together in this mid-week mini! ⁠Watch on YouTube!⁠ Watch on YouTube!

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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⁠⁠⁠This is a special and tender episode to close our month on what our spouses can and cannot carry for us, because some things, like grief, are simply too heavy for any one person to hold alone. Christa welcomes the award-winning writer and podcaster Clarissa Moll, who produces and moderates Christianity Today's flagship news podcast, The Bulletin, and who has become one of the most trusted voices on grief and hope. In 2019, Clarissa's husband Rob (type 9) died suddenly in a hiking accident at Mt. Rainier, leaving her to raise their four children as a widow, and out of that valley came her best-selling book, Beyond the Darkness: A Gentle Guide for Living with Grief and Thriving After Loss. Now a remarried widow (6-2 pairing) building a joyful blended family, Clarissa shares what it means to move through grief rather than around it, how a new marriage holds the memory of a former love, why no single person can be the whole of our healing, and where hope must take hold again after loss. No matter your loss, this conversation will meet you right where you are. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Clarissa Moll is an award-winning writer and podcaster who helps bereaved people find flourishing after loss. Her writing (https://www.clarissamoll.com/writing) appears in Christianity Today, The Gospel Coalition, RELEVANT, Modern Loss, Grief Digest and more. She cohosted Christianity Today’s [“Surprised by Grief”](https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/podcasts/surprised-by-grief/) podcast and is a frequent guest(https://www.clarissamoll.com/speaking) at events, on podcasts, and radio shows.

She also hangs out behind the microphone as the producer and moderator of Christianity Today’s flagship news podcast, “The Bulletin.“(https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/podcasts/bulletin/)

Get inside the Enneagram and Marriage Coaching and Masterclass classroom here⁠!⁠⁠ https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass Use the code COACH for $250 off - or - use a payment plan!!

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So much of what we hand our spouse to fix is really our own inner work in disguise. In this episode, Christa turns to two of the most useful words the Enneagram gives us: your vice and your virtue. Your vice is the emotional pattern that runs the show under stress, the overused survival strategy of your type, and your virtue is the higher quality that naturally emerges as you heal and grow.

We'll walk together through all nine types, and show you that the journey from vice to virtue is intentional and costly, but truly worthy too as your purposes become clearer each day.

When we instead ask our spouse to soothe all of our aches instead of doing our own work, we exhaust them and stay stuck, but when we own it, we free them and we grow. With honest, practical steps for naming your vice, catching it in the small daily moments, and taking one step toward your virtue, this is a freeing reminder that the most loving thing you can do for your marriage is often to go do your own inner work!

Plus a look at the coaching certification where Christa trains others to walk couples through exactly this. Listen here! ⁠Watch on YouTube!

⁠⁠Get inside the Enneagram and Marriage Coaching and Masterclass classroom here!⁠⁠ https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass Use the code COACH for $250 off - or - use a payment plan!!Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Take the E + M Quiz at www.QuizforCouples.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Get Christa's Best-Selling Book, The Enneagram in Marriage, here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://a.co/d/df8SxVx

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Christa welcomes the beloved Beatrice Chestnut, one of the most respected voices in the Enneagram world, for a rich conversation on the three centers of intelligence, the body, the heart, and the head, and how each one shapes the way we love, fight, and connect in relationships.

So much of what we wrongly ask our spouse to carry comes from the parts of ourselves we have not yet done our own work on, and Bea's teaching gives us a map for exactly that work. Together they explore how most of us lead from one center while neglecting the others, often without realizing it, and the blind spots that creates between two people trying to love each other well. They look at how a body-led, a heart-led, and a head-led partner can so easily misread one another, why meeting your spouse in their center rather than expecting them to move to yours is essential, and how the passions beneath our types quietly drive the same fights on repeat.

This pivotal conversation offers a way to see yourself and your spouse with more compassion, and to stop handing your partner what was always yours to tend. This is a meaningful part of this month's series on what our spouses were never meant to hold. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Get inside the Enneagram and Marriage Coaching and Masterclass classroom here! https://www.enneagramandmarriage.com/the-e-m-coaching-masterclass

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This week Christa welcomes Linda Hannigan, 3 (3-1 pairing), an Enneagram and Marriage certified coach, gifted orator, and truth teller whose candor and artistry make her a joy to learn from. Together they continue the August question of what our spouses can and cannot carry for us, and where our deeper needs actually belong. Linda brings her signature honesty, willing to talk openly about the strengths and the tender places in her own marriage, even as she helps us tend our spiritual lives along the way. They explore how we so often hand our spouse longings that were never theirs to hold, why bringing those deeper needs to God and to a wider community brings such freedom, and how truth telling, done with grace, actually draws a couple closer rather than driving them apart. It is a rich, warm, and honest conversation. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Find Linda's coaching website: https://www.9lumens.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/9lumens/

Watch Linda's Galatians sermon: https://youtu.be/j6B9vsq5f7I?si=jIGcPIfnZd9meoCL

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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So many of us have handed our spouse a job description they were never meant to fill, to notice our every need, validate our worth, provide our purpose, and keep us feeling seen, alive, and whole. And when they fall short, we feel unnoticed, disappointed, and we start to wonder if something is wrong with the marriage. In this opening series episode, Christa asks a different question: what if the problem is not your spouse, and not your marriage, but the weight of an impossible expectation? She explores the real ache of feeling unnoticed by the person closest to you, why one human being simply cannot be your entire world, and how your instinctual wiring, whether self-preservation, social, or sexual, shapes exactly what you long for your spouse to notice. Along the way she offers a warm challenge, do not be afraid to be the one who loves first, as well as practical, hopeful ways to tend your own aliveness, worth, and purpose so you can actually free your spouse to love you well. Because the less you need them to be everything, the more you get to enjoy who they truly are. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Close partners sculpt one another by drawing out each other's ideal self, as we learn from the Michelangelo phenomenon, we find that couples who idealize each other are more likely to last and even grow into the best version the other sees in them, Christa explores how love, at its healthiest, is not blind but prescient. She also names the wise center of it all: we are not called to flatter a partner in ways that leave them feeling unseen, but to idealize their virtues while still truly knowing their reality, holding both grace and honesty at once. And she names the shadow side, the Pygmalion pattern, where a critical gaze draws out the lesser self, because we are always sculpting one another, the only question is in which direction. A beautiful, research-grounded invitation to catch the best in the person you love, and call out the self they are still becoming. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Get the Awakening Intimacy Journal here!⁠⁠⁠⁠

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We often treat physical intimacy as something that happens only in the moment, but the body carries far more than the moment. It carries our history, our stress, and our old wounds, everything it has learned about whether it is safe to open. Drawing on Bessel van der Kolk's landmark work, The Body Keeps the Score, Christa explores how stress and trauma live not just in the mind but in the body itself, and how, when a person who has been hurt tries to be close, the body can tense, freeze, or flood with anxiety before the mind ever gets a vote. She gently unpacks why couples so often misread this as rejection when it is really the nervous system keeping the score of something old, why pushing through only re-teaches the body that intimacy is unsafe, and how the body comes back online, slowly, through safety, patience, warm touch, and the freedom to stop. Most of all, she offers a word of hope: a body that protects itself is one that once needed protecting, and it can learn a new score, written in the language of safety rather than force. If this is your story or your spouse's, this episode will meet you with real gentleness. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

Get the Awakening Intimacy Journal here!⁠⁠⁠

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Many Enneagram teachers have used the Odyssey as a way to talk through the nine types, since there are nine temptations, nine believable reasons to never make it home. Yet each island of trials offers the hero (you!) a real gift of virtue, if you can look past the trap of the very thing keeping you from home. When we instead finally face God and the open sea, when we finally humble ourselves, virtue begins. Whatever your number, whatever gift has quietly become your hiding place, the sea is still out there, and so is home. Come discover which island you have been hiding on, and take one brave step back toward the open water, because the journey home to your truest self is always worth the crossing. Listen here! Watch on YouTube!

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Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Here Christa turns to a different weight so many couples carry: what happens when the body is simply depleted, exhausted, touched-out, and running on empty, and sex stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like one more thing on an endless list. Going under the hood of the dual control model, she explains why exhaustion is one of the most powerful brakes on desire there is, why the depleted nervous system treats wanting as a luxury it cannot afford, and why being touched-out after a day of being physically needed is real and physiological, not a character flaw or a lack of love. She names the trap couples fall into, that adding pressure to something already felt as a task only presses the brake harder, and offers the real way back: reducing the load, protecting rest, sharing the mental and physical labor, reintroducing warm no-agenda touch, and reframing intimacy as restoration rather than one more output. Because you cannot guilt a depleted body into desire, you can only refill it and let desire return. Warm, freeing, and deeply practical for anyone in a full, weary season. Listen here! Watch YouTube here!

⁠Get the Awakening Intimacy Journal here!⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find more about your type, the pod, freebies, and SO much more at our website right here! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.EnneagramandMarriage.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Take the E + M Quiz at www.QuizforCouples.com

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Love what you're learning on E + M? Make sure you leave us a podcast review so others can find us, too⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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