Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Do you feel responsible for keeping the peace, even at your own expense? If any of that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. From childhood conditioning and gender expectations to how this behavior shows up in our adult relationships—romantic, professional, and personal—we’re talking about it all.

In this episode, we get real about our own struggles and growth around people pleasing. We explore the line between kindness and self-abandonment, how saying “no” can actually strengthen relationships, and the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways we’ve learned to reclaim our voices. If you’ve ever wrestled with resentment, vagueness, or fear of being “the bad guy,” you’re not alone—and there’s a way out. Tune in as we share stories, insights, and actionable strategies for building healthier boundaries without losing your sense of connection.

 

Episode Highlights:

[0:00] - Why people pleasing hits so close to home for both of us.
[1:14] - The difference between being genuinely kind vs. being "nice" to your own detriment.
[3:49] - Laura's story: Growing up flanked by strong personalities and learning to placate.
[6:46] - How family patterns condition our conflict tolerance in adulthood.
[8:32] - Colette’s evolution in romantic relationships and the fear of losing love.
[10:11] - Assertiveness is a muscle: why it takes time and practice to break the habit.
[11:02] - People pleasing ≠ being confident and kind. It often leads to resentment.
[12:51] - Key signs of people pleasing from Psychology Today’s checklist.
[13:31] - Natural boundaries: how structure and routine can minimize people pleasing.
[15:25] - Boundaries at work: why therapy helped us develop clear limits.
[17:21] - Practicing assertiveness in safe relationships and why that matters.
[22:08] - The real cost of people pleasing on your mental and emotional health.
[23:17] - Gabor Maté and the connection between chronic niceness and physical illness.
[26:06] - Practical tips: writing out your thoughts, using scripts, and buying time.
[30:38] - Parenting and people pleasing: where we still struggle (and how we’re working on it).
[33:59] - The importance of learning to self-define, and why assertiveness isn’t aggressiveness.
[34:33] - The Giving Tree metaphor and recognizing when you’ve become the stump.
[36:05] - Final tips: Practice, write it out, externalize, and invest in safe relationships.
[37:12] - Where to take the “Are You a People Pleaser?” test and how to connect with us.

 

Resources:

• Take the “Are You a People Pleaser?” quiz at: https://insightsfromthecouch.org
• Learn more about the podcast and access show archives at: Insights From the Couch

Make sure to visit the “Resources” page on our website www.insightsfromthecouch.org to download the worksheet and take ways that accompany each episode. This is hugely important as we are now creating a download that is unique to each episode and working hard to create an email list to support our programming offerings moving forward.

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