When you lose a family member most people think you are supposed to be sad, but what happens when that person was hard to love? How can you maneuver through that grief and what kind of feelings do arise? 

When I  was scrolling through Instagram, one of my favorite trauma recovery coaches Nate Postlewait ( https://www.instagram.com/nate_postlethwait ) was talking about this subject. It struck me so hard, that all of our journeys are so complex.

One of the things that really stuck out to me that Nate posted was, “People don’t get the complexity of a family member passing away who caused great pain. There can be grief for what NEVER was, and sadness because of the finality. Please don’t assume you know how someone is processing this type of loss. Assume they need compassion.”

Also, have some kindness and compassion when someone tells you they have to walk away from an abusive family member. It is such a struggle of the heart, and also as Christians, they want everyone to bypass the pain and get to the healing. We may have gotten to the healing, but if the parent hasn’t, it can create an even deeper hold of dysfunction if we stay out of false obligation. Some of us can never share our stories for fear of others in the family coming after us. When the parent passes, it may be easier for us to share, but it is tangled with the “what ifs” of how it could have been different if only they had tried.

I have talked to a few women lately who are in the “in-between” place, where their mothers are dying but they don’t have a relationship with her. I don’t have a fast easy answer for this. We walk through each situation differently.

I will leave this last remark from Nate: “Let’s say less of “you're so strong” and more of “that looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” 

Find people that can help you carry the load. Not to fix, but to hold. It will mean so much to us. 

Some resources that may be helpful if you are going through this time is Freedom Movement, a trauma-informed biblical coaching program:

Here is their IG: https://www.instagram.com/freedom_movement

Here is the cohort: https://freedom-movement.mykajabi.com/cohort

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.