Finding the right person is hard. Being attracted to the wrong one is just as common.

In this episode of Office Hours, I explore why some people find themselves stuck in the same dating patterns over and over again, pursuing partners who are unavailable, manipulative, emotionally destructive, or struggling with addiction. I explain why attraction can override good judgment, why certain personality types are especially alluring, and how to learn from past mistakes and create healthier patterns in love.

This episode focuses on choosing the right person in the first place. If you haven't yet listened to my episode, 3 Rules to Fall in Love and Stay in Love, I recommend it as a companion to this conversation. Together, they offer a roadmap for both finding love and building a lasting relationship.

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Where to find Arthur Brooks: 

• Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://arthurbrooks.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Timestamps:

(00:00) Intro

(05:19) Why dating feels so difficult

(06:29) Dating Groundhog Day

(10:12) Attraction to unavailable people

(15:25) Substance abuse

(18:29) The Dark Triad

(20:56) How the Dark Triad reels you in

(25:52) Why we ignore red flags

(27:19) Dating strategy #1: Stop relying on others' judgment

(28:48) Dating strategy #2: Address your emophilia

(30:16) Dating strategy #3: Expand your time horizon

(32:10) Dating strategy #4: Don’t focus on looks and status

(33:21) Dating strategy #5: Look in the right place

(35:15) Dating strategy #6: Stop looking for your ex

(37:29) Dating strategy #7: Stop romanticizing doomed love

(39:00) Q&A: How to reconcile being on your phone to learn more

(40:15) Q&A: The value of fun leisure

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Referenced:

• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: themeaningofyourlife.com

• Meaning Membership: https://hub.arthurbrooks.com/the-meaning-membership 

• Arthur’s newsletter: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/newsletter 

• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 

• The Pursuit of Happiness with Arthur Brooks: https://www.thefp.com/s/the-pursuit-of-happiness-with-arthur

• Nearly Half of U.S. Adults Say Dating Has Gotten Harder for Most People in the Last 10 Years: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years

• Groundhog Day: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107048

• Mate Choice Copying in Humans: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26181063/ 

• The ability to judge the romantic interest of others: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19076319

• ...References continued at: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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