Our feelings are 100% valid but also 100% our responsibility. Other people aren’t hurting us just because we’re hurt (even if they did break “girl code,” like a friend dating our ex). Instead of trying to control the narrative, how can you decenter yourself in your understanding of their relationship, accept the inevitability of nuance, and self-soothe on your time?

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It’s okay that people hold versions of you in their mind that you don’t agree with. It’s also inevitable. Reaching out to an ex to explain what “really” happened doesn’t usually help anyone, and might even hurt them. If you know your truth, does it matter that others don’t? Can you release the need for validation and let them process the relationship for themselves?

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Feelings are valid, but feelings are liars. How can we separate our partner’s actual behavior from the stories it tells to us? What if being late didn’t mean disrespecting your time, or only grabbing their own towel wasn’t seen as an act of malice? (But also, c’mon…) Realizing it’s not that deep is a good start, but radically accepting our partner is better.

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Being in relationship with a grieving partner is HARD—even harder than grieving yourself. But you can’t be the only bailing out water. Something has to change, whether you stop and let the boat sink or they start helping. How can you acknowledge their depression AND your isolation while you slowly work your back to the relationship you had?

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You can’t carve trust out of your partner’s deceit. If they’ve shown you a pattern, it’s best to believe it. And while it’s hard to let go of a relationship you fought so long for, it’s worse to stay in an unsafe, unsatisfying one. Even Sam might leave Peter over this many lies (and that’s saying a LOT).

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You’re not just “full of hormones,” you are FULL OF HORMONES! Your pregnant feelings are valid, but instead of blaming your partner for the bad ones, tell them you need more—more patience, support, sharing of the mental load (and more Indian food, dammit!). Once you properly mourn the relationship you had, you can open yourself to a stronger, deeper one.

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You’re not bound to the thing you thought you wanted. If you want more (or less, or different), let them know. You can’t avoid revealing feelings and risking rejection, but it’s never as scary as you think—and it can be so worth it. If it doesn’t work, you can always go back to your hoe phase. That’s eternal. (Be warned: y’all asked for tangents, and we delivered.)

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Someone saying your worst fear is true doesn’t mean it is; it means they knew your worst fear and used it against you. And that will always say more about them than it does about you. Look to the people who really know you for affirmation, and try to cut the cords to external validation, as destabilizing as it might be. And if you haven’t already, f***ing watch The Last Of Us (Sierra insists).

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Yes, white supremacy poisons everything. No, that doesn’t mean the kind, self-aware white man you’re dating is going to do you harm. Without worst-case-scenario-ing yourself to death, try to prepare for the difficult things that are likely to happen if you do commit to this interracial relationship. (And if the worst case does happen, you can just break up!)

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Compatibility isn’t being the same, it’s finding someone whose differences fit yours. Instead of thinking you might one day “fix” your more inactive, laidback partner, see if you can accept that you have different lifestyles (and that productivity and rest are equally valuable, capitalism be damned).

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