Happy birthday! Welcome to the My Birthday KITM Special hosted by David Waldman and Greg Dworkin. David had a birthday yesterday and Greg had one a few years back but has since abstained. What’s important, as always, is what they brought me today:

It’s a close race! But… is it really? There’s a thin line between big wins for Harris and Trump, and since the fabulous Democratic National Convention, pundits are becoming less fearful of crossing the line over to Harris. Kamala’s a boon for Never Trumpers. many of whom will be quite amusing for a few more months before becoming pains in the ass again. We will soon forget, or want to forget, figures such as Gary Cohn calling Donald Trump “shit for brains” … See? You have forgotten Gary Cohn and already confuse him with Mets announcer Gary Cohen, who is totally different... I think.

We might get to forget screwballs like Curtis Yarvin, anti-democratic monarchist, and idol to Sofa King weird JD Vonce.

Hey, but we still have to win the election. Kamala and Tim are up for it, this week mining the purple and blue veins of red Georgia. They will persevere through, and expect us to persevere through, upcoming presidential and vice-presidential debates. They even expect the Republicans to show up! That’s a little much, considering Donald’s more of an evader than a debater. The Gops don’t even know who to send for the VP debate, after all, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. JD, eyeliner smeared, sobs into his couch cushions, or motorboats them, who can tell?  Don’t worry, fact checkers will look into it.

David Waldman watched the DNC last night and might need some more time to recover from all his Democratic exuberance.  Greg Dworkin though wasn’t even winded making 5 appearances in a row on KITM, (but it was nice for us.) Greg is back, demure and mindful as always, but with new purpose and joy following the blockbuster Democratic National Convention.  Rhode Island didn’t bring the calamari this time, but Georgia brought Lil Jon, and maybe we didn’t get Beyoncé, but we sure got Oprah. Best of all, Gops got Donald Trump, and we got Kamala Harris. As the NYT would say, Kamala got some good reviews, some bad, and now it’s up to the voters, some with a clue, some without.

There’s now a chance that Trump might lose. That doesn’t mean he’s finished, unfortunately. 

JD Clampett-Vonce might be Sofa King weird, but he knows what he likes, and he likes Curtis Yarvin, and Yarvin would love to see democracy die.

The company that sent fake Biden robocalls in New Hampshire has been fined $1million. The guy who orchestrated the calls is facing $6million in fines. The fork-bending straitjacket-escaping digital nomad artist who created the AI robocalls spent $1.

David Waldman is back with today’s KITM, which you’d expect, but when have you heard Greg Dworkin so many days in a row? Can the internet take so much amusement and erudition?

It’s morning in America. Who would have guessed that patriotism and joy would turn out to be such a popular combination? Ok, Oprah helped, but it couldn’t have happened without All-American Dad, Coach Tim Walz. It’s certainly not weird that Tim would have such an All-American family.

And you know what? I thought Bill was terrific. He’s no rising star hot shot like Hillary, but still…

All of this puts Kamala Harris right about where she wants to be heading into her acceptance speech tonight. At least it puts her where Republicans don’t want her to be, which is good for a start, and a good place to start picking up a few more points real soon.

You won’t find a more lunatic pillow mogul than Mike Lindell, but this week you can refuse to accept cheap imitations! Mike, cleverly disguised as Roger Stone, successfully infiltrated the DNC, only to be spotted by alert pre-teen influencer Knowa De Brasco, who kicked Lindell in the shins for a while before realizing that Mr. Pillow was filled with more crap than foam rubber. Mike tried to insanesplain to the young man with his usual Gish Gallop, but Knowa ran out of pity and walked away.

Meanwhile, uncommitted pro-Palestinian delegates signal that they would fully support the Harris ticket ,but so far have not signaled that they would behave themselves if they were allowed on stage.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin address the question pressing upon our national political zeitgeist: “Turn down for what?” Greg’s Raft O’ Stories looks more like a Mardi Gras float this morning, with all of the hopes and joys and enthusiasms in perfect array. Democrats understand the assignment which is, support the ticket, make America safe for snark… and have fun out there.

JD Clampett-Vonce figures all of those smiles must have been A.I.’d  on. Hulk Hogan will slap them back off for you. Donald Trump is getting sick of slumming around with all of these basement dwellers, while MAGA… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They want all of this election nonsense to go away so they can just take over and move on to more interesting violations of national and international law.

USA! USA! USA! David Waldman welcomes special guest Joan McCarter and surprise special guest Greg Dworkin, for a patriotic Tuesday KITM.

This is what democracy looks like! Day 1 of the DNC, and the bench was so deep that they had to bump James Taylor from the lineup because of all of the sustained applause for the speakers and laughter at Donald Trump’s expense. Jamie Raskin looked great out there, making certain there wasn’t any January 6 amnesia. UAW’s Shawn Fain was best dressed, and pointed out that Trump doesn’t just look like a scab, he actually is one. Michigan State Senator Mallory McMorrow threw the book at Trump and the project to which he is a pet, Project 2025.  U.S. men’s basketball team gold medal winning coach Steve Kerr put Donald to bed. Then there were the breakout stars like Raphael Warnock and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… You’ll be hearing a lot from those kids in the future!

Then, there was Hillary Clinton, swoon! Hillary gave us a clear example of what could have been while telling us what can be in her barn burning (Fact: No barns were actually “burnt”) … stem-winding (Fact: Few stems had been proven “wound”) ... speech free of the petty punditry that previously dogged (Fact: No dogs participated) ... her in the past. Well, at least the media can’t get away with that crap anymore.

And then... there was President Joe Biden! Joe got his speech out early to give Donald Trump time for his 2 AM posts.

If you didn’t see some or any of the above, don’t worry. It will all be clipped and memed for your future enjoyment. Eventually we will find out who's is bigger, a competition Donald Trump has never won once in his life.

79% of all Nates are 90% full of crap.

Trump will probably be forced to carry JD Vance to term, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still contemplating a back-alley Youngkin at this late date. Of course, Trump could be putting off replacing Vance until after his overthrow of the United States.

How was your weekend? David Waldman dropped a kid off at college last year, but he found his way home, so David spent his weekend taking him back, while Greg Dworkin was forced to tie down his Raft O’ Stories before it floated away over the last few days of his local weather.

A flood of joy will lift the attendees of the Democratic National Convention, where Dems will happily array themselves this week. It’ll be fun, and factual!

Donald Trump floods Truth Social with A.I. BS., and enough racism to overflow into X.

Sofa King weird JD Vonce flooded MAGA specimen cups with… ewwww!

Let’s change the subject. How about that polling, huh? Is Washington's primary a harbinger of the election?

Meanwhile, House Gops dropped their impeachment report on Biden, quickly pivoting over to Tim Walz before anyone could accuse them of wisdom. Tim Walz irritates MAGA by being white, male, a veteran and a football coach while refusing to be weird, corrupt, or own stocks.

What does Team Trump plan to do in the face of all of these glad tidings? The same as they have always planned to do, destroy democracy. Trump has been moving to hijack the elections in Georgia now for years, by allowing locally planted election officials to stop the elections in their area, and thus the national election, based on a whim.

Ah, wasn’t this a nice week? David Waldman presents a nice KITM to end the week, hopefully leading to a nice weekend, a nice Monday, etc.

Donald Trump did say a whole lot of stupid things yesterday.  Not accidentally, either. Trump and his campaign arranged for people to witness him being stupid right to their faces... Weird, huh? At this rate, Donald will have a low chance of becoming President, and zero chance of running the sample table at Costco. Trump achieved one milestone, however. It will be impossible to exaggerate, satirize, or even spoof Donald Trump’s statement in which he devalued the Medal of Honor on account it’s being bestowed upon people who are shot or dead. Shooting the US military in the middle of 5th Avenue might be a hard one for Donald Trump to top in the next 80 days. JD Vonce (pronounced shmih-GEH-gee) did go to the mattresses though with his statement that no Irish need apply to the Republican party.

Of course, Tim Walz is a LIAR about his taco fixings, so both sides. Actually, both sides of the double haters don’t hate Kamala Harris at all. And who doesn’t love a visit from Grandpa Joe?  

Therefore, the Donald Trump campaign reinstitutes Plan B, which was always Plan A, tossing out democracy and just taking over. To do that, MAGA will require a lot of people across many government functions, to abuse democracy just right, at just the right times. A well-ordered, efficient, perfectly ordered, government machine…

Trump expects no less from the judicial system, complaining that all of those delays his lawyers finagled have now placed his sentencing at the worst possible time.

Elon Musk’s favorite judge has decided that he likes his Musk stock better than Musk.

Congratulations to the Florida Alligator, and its coverage of Ben Sasse’s corrupt stint at UF.

It is also about time that arrests were made in connection to Matthew Perry’s ketamine death.

Probably a coincidence, but right about when Donald Trump started getting his ass handed to him, things started to turn south for Russia... Slava Ukraini, and let’s hope, Heroiam slava!

Today, David Waldman tells us all about it, except for the stuff he’s leaving for tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Greg Dworkin has hauled in so many polls this week that he had to commandeer Chitown Kev’s Raft O’ Stories to ship them all.

Kamala Harris is surging in the polls, cash, crowds, enthusiams, and those mainstream media required “vibes”. Everywhere Kamala is roaring ahead, securing a lead of… the margin of error. Of course, that’s not the whole story. There’s who’s she’s moving, where they’re moving, what ages are moving, who’s moving with her, and who won’t be moving back. A lot of good news there.

As Kamala soars, Trump is sore. Every Gop is telling Donald to be less Trump, yet while giving the people more Trump. This will be a tough order for our favorite mouthy dotard, especially when his happy spot is racist authoritarian babble, and his running mate is a weirdo. Therefore, Team Trump will buy ads that say… something and rehire… Corey Lewandowski. There’s nothing new left for Donald to try, outside of attempting to vote in multiple locations.

There is something old that Donald Trump can try. He can try again to plant people throughout the electoral system for another go at hijacking the election. Tina Peters would volunteer once more for duty, but she’ll be otherwise occupied this season.

If all this makes you miss the old-fashioned simple money grift, visit sunny Florida, where it has never gone out of style.

Today, David Waldman unleashes the KITM upon the enemies of democracy and purveyors of the weird.

Meanwhile, Greg Dworkin unloaded his big Raft O’ Stories™, including a large consignment of polls, which may not be any more accurate, but sure are more pleasant than they used to be. Many people approve of President Joe Biden’s Vice-Presidential choice. Not uncoincidentally, many also approve of Kamala Harris’ Vice-Presidential choice. People do like Tim Walz even though Tim might be ruining the career hopes of both J.D. Vonce and Mike Lindell. (Forget those scurrilous innuendos, J.D. doesn’t hike up his skirt for just any sofa.)

Donald Trump rode the Epstein Express, again, the other day, to pay his respects at his first wife’s grave… fondly known as “the rough”. 

Fresh off his spectacular Dunning–Kruger-palooza, Elon Musk now focuses his towering intellect toward Texas, home of his favorite federal judge, Reed O’Connor. Reed loves Elon, or at least his stock… that is, Tesla stock, which any honest judge would never confuse with Elon Musk…

Let’s say so long to Tina Peters, former Mesa County clerk, present convicted felon, and future Arizona prison inmate. Tina was quite outspoken following her conviction, which would not garner approval from Minnesota Senatorial candidate Royce White, foe to local water fountains.

Thank you and congratulations to David Waldman and Justice Putnam with Netroots Radio, for their uninterrupted years of streaming with 0 days of massive DDOS attacks.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk could not have possibly imagined their interview working any differently to how it did... X has more bugs than a bayou, while decompensating weirdo Trump hasn’t had any new to say for months. Combining the two ended up creating a Dunning-Kruger singularity which swallowed up their colossal egos for almost an hour.

Tragically, both escaped. As usual Elon’s billions cushioned the blow for him, but for racist daffy duck Donald, it could be the beginning of the end… even maybe finally the end of the end. Whichever it is, don’t look to Politico, The New York Times or The Washington Post to tell you. They know but aren’t saying. After all, they’ve heard that Trump is suing the Department of Justice for $100 million claiming political persecution for the 2022 Mar-a-Lago raid, which is stupid, unless he’s elected, and then everything will be stupid.

One-fifth of University of Florida professors were pushed out before tenure, saving the university untold millions of dollars, which coincidentally was just the amount UF president Ben Sasse wrote on his checks to Gop allies.

Joan McCarter is back, and sunnier than ever. Kamala Harris keeps making more sense to sensible voters, while Gops and Magas keep discovering new ways to ruin their own lives. Of course, it helps that the real troublemakers are out on vacation.