MINDSET ZONE

A quarter of 2015 has already past.

I’m wondering if this year you did any New Year's Resolutions that implied a big change in your life.

The reality is that for most people, even if they honestly intended to change some important aspect of their lives – from exercising more, losing weight, and so forth – probably, by now, they have gone back to their old habits.

If what you want to change is really important to you, please don’t give up or wait until next year to try again.

Start to understand:

Why It's So Difficult To Change

Maybe understanding how the change process works, can help you to achieve your goals.

If you think:

"I don’t have enough will power."

"I’m never going to be able to do it."

"I tried it before and it didn’t work."

And any other excuses that your internal saboteur creates...

(Yes, you are not alone, everybody has a personal critical voice that tries to undermine their self-esteem, but that is a theme for another podcast.)

Keep reading and see what we can learn from how psychologists explain the change process.

First - it’s important to notice that psychology sees change as a process, not as an isolated event.

Second - the change process is complex enough to have many models to explain it.

Lets focus on a particular model of change as an example.

Model of Change

This Model of Change was developed by a team of psychologists in the 1990s (Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente)***.

It emerged from the studies of successful self-changers, that is, people who successfully changed important behaviors in their lives without professional help (for instance, to stop smoking).

According to this model, if someone wants to change a habit or behavior, they will go through a 6-Stage Process***.

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation

If we are at this stage, we don't see any need to change.

Our friends and family can think otherwise, but we don’t agree with them.

Imagine, that we usually spent more than 8 hour seated during our day. Our friend, a fitness expert, has warned us about the dangers of a sedentary life, but we rationalize.

Yes, but…

"I go to the health club a couple of times a week."

“I try to eat healthy."

“I’m not overweight."

[...or whatever excuse we use to justify that we are fine, and we really don’t need to change.]

Stage 2: Contemplation

As the name suggests, we start to realize that there is something that we are better off changing.

Yet, we don’t know how, or we don’t feel quite ready to do it.

For instance, in our example of spending more than 8 hour seated.

We are still using the same excuses, but now we feel guilty because we know better.

We start to believe that our friend – the fitness expert – is right.

Maybe we read an article that supports her views, or maybe our last blood work shows some levels that could improve.

We know that we should do something to become more active, but it’s easier to create another good excuse.

"It’s not the right time."

“After this project is done, I will have more time."

“I really don’t know how to go about changing this."

We can spend lots of time in this stage, spinning our wheels without going anywhere.

Stage 3: Preparation

Eventually, we can move to the preparation stage, where we really start to devise a plan with concrete action steps and implementation dates.

“OK, I’m going to implement what I read in this article. I’m going to set a timer for 60 mn. When it sounds, I will go for a walk around the house."

Then, if we don’t take a step backwards and start to doubt our own plans – “Really, I walk around the house. I should be running. Walking around the house, what difference that makes?” – we move on to the action stage.

Stage 4: Action

We do it. When the clock sounds, we get up and walk around the house.

We start to modify our behavior.

This stage has all the glory, but could not happen without the previous stages.

And, if we stop with the new practice, we stop the action stage, and we can easily revert into blaming, and fall into the guilt game.

Soon enough, you will be at least 2 steps backwards, back to the contemplation or worse – denying the need to change and arguing that “I already did that, but it didn’t work.”

So we have to keep taking baby steps in order to move to the next stage.

Stage 5: Maintenance

To sustain a new habit or change in our life, we have to go through a maintenance stage where we begin to consolidate the new habits, behaviors, and patterns.

Only if we persist, keep going, and not give up when we take a step backward, we will reach a plateau where these new habits and behaviors become automatic and second nature to us.

This is the last stage of the change process and a new starting point to continue learning, evolving, and changing.

Very Important!

Stage 6: Recycling – Learning from Relapse

This is not a linear process where you go from stage 1, to 2, then 3, then 4, and 5.

The best image to describe the change process is an ascending spiral.

There are ups and downs, steps backwards and forwards.

Keep going, and learn from the relapses.

TIP: Get a good support team and this process becomes easier and even fun.

This process of change applies to bad habits like smoking, and also to social accepted habits such as overworking (so easy to rationalize).

Moreover...

We can apply these principles to mindsets too.

We can see mindsets as habits.

Mindsets are habits of mind formed by previous experience.

Think about how to apply this process to change our fixed mindsets.

That can open the door to many possibilities.

***Note and Correction: The Model of Change as described by Prochaska, Norcross, and Diclemente has 6 stages. The 6th stage, not described in the audio of this podcast episode, is Recycling – Learning from Relapse. I will probably do a future podcast about this topic.

In this episode, I interviewed Andrea Waltz about the book she co-authored with Richard Fenton:

Go for NO! YES is the destination NO is how you get there

I spoke about this book in Episode 3 – Failure and The Way to Success.

I was thrilled with this opportunity to speak with Andrea about some of the key concepts behind her book.

We have a natural tendency to avoid NO, and that probably has to do with our fear of rejection.

We are social animals, and this means that we seek social acceptance.

If we see a NO as a rejection, that NO hurts, and we tend to avoid situations that can lead to hearing a NO.

Yet, if we study highly successful people, they don’t see NO or failure as a negative experience.

Nonetheless, that goes so much against our natural tendency, and the way we were raised, that makes us wonder if those people have a success gene that we lack.

“Your fear of hearing the word ‘no’ is the only thing standing between you and greatness.”( Go for NO!, pg. 28)

If this is true, is there a way we can learn to be more at ease with NO, even to want to hear NO?

That’s why I love the Go for NO! book.

In less than 75 pages, Richard and Andrea tell us a powerful story that will shift the way you see a NO forever.

Listen to this interview to learn:

- How the image of the fork in the road – with one road that leads to success and the other to failure – is misleading.

- How failing and being a “failure” are two very different concepts

- How having the goal of getting a “NO” for an answer can literally change your destiny

Find more about Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton at GoForNo.com

Join their Facebook group and take advantage of the challenges they organize.

In this episode, I interviewed Andrea Waltz about the book she co-authored with Richard Fenton: Go for NO! YES is the destination NO is how you get there I spoke about this book in Episode 3 – Failure and The Way to Success. I was thrilled with this opportunity to speak with Andrea about some […]

This is the last episode around the book:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

To summarize, The Four Agreements are:

First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word

Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally

Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions

Fourth Agreement: Always do your best

Today, I’m going to focus on the last agreement: Always do your best.

Don Miguel Ruiz defines this Fourth Agreement as:

1. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret

2. Your best is going to change from moment to moment (it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick)

I love how he articulates “Always do your best” because it brings balance to this agreement.

If you take only the first part of the definition – simply do your best under any circumstance – we put an enormous burden on our shoulders.

If you have the tendency to be a perfectionist, you would zoom into this part of the agreement and use it as a great excuse to feed your perfectionism.

If you have the tendency to be a workaholic, you would zoom into this part of the agreement and use it as a great excuse to keep working and working, and working.

I have to remind myself about the work of Brené Brown that I spoke about in episode 16: Courage To Be Imperfect.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be our best.Perfectionism is different than self-improvement.

I have to keep in mind the second part of the definition - our best is going to change from moment to moment.

Do our best, even be our best, is different from trying to be perfect.

I believe that if we fall into the trap of going for perfection, we are not doing our best.

We'll be procrastinating because of the fear of not being perfect.

These two parts of the definition of “Always do your best” are like the 2 sides of a coin.

They exist together.

To the perfectionists out there (including me), I want to read a passage from the book that I think is essential in order to live The Four Agreements:

You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you cannot keep these agreements.If you’re doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions, still take things personally, and still are not impeccable with your word.If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation.

Life is a journey of learning.

Enjoy it.

This is the last episode around the book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz To summarize, The Four Agreements are: First Agreement: Be impeccable with your word Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions Fourth Agreement: Always do your best Today, I’m going to focus on the last agreement: Always do […]

Today, I’m going to focus on the last of the 4 agreements: Always do your best.

On the last episode, I spoke about “Don't take anything personally” – the second agreement from the book:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In this episode, I focus on the Third Agreement – Don't make assumptions.

Don Miguel Ruiz summarizes this agreement as:

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really wantCommunicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama

Don't Make Assumptions

Easier said than done.

We have a natural tendency to make assumptions.

That’s not the real problem.

The problem is to believe that the assumptions we make are the truth.

As I referred to in episode 18, in Social Psychology, there are researchers who study how individuals explain their own behavior as well as that of others. I spoke about the Attribution Theory that helps us understand how people make these interpretations and attributions.

We can understand assumptions as a type of attribution we make about other people's behavior.

It’s the reverse of the coin of the second agreement – not to take things personally, because what others say and do is a projection of their own reality.

Following the same logic: the way we interpret what others do, is a projection of our own internal reality. It’s based on our personal stories.

Because we take our assumptions as the best explanation of reality, it’s easy to fall into the cycle of complaining and blaming others for what we feel and do - it’s their fault.

It’s easier to to try to make others wrong, than to have the courage to face our own gremlins.

Think of This scenario...

We send out a work proposal via email.

After a couple of days, still no response.

Our assumptions start to take over:

“I knew that I was asking too much."“They are ignoring my email."“After so much time I spent for free with them, they could at least answer."

Why not pick up the phone and check what’s going on?

There are other possibilities that explain their lack of response.

And sometimes, even if our assumptions are true, remember, it’s not about you – don't take it personally.

For Instance, Imagine That...

We meet in a conference and have a great conversation, even exchange contact information.

Then, you are in the airport waiting for your flight to go back home.

You see me at a distance. For a moment you think I also saw you, but I walk away.

You can assume I have ignored you - and there is the possibility that you are right.

If your next assumption is that “I don’t like you” – you are probably wrong.

During a busy conference, I use all my extrovert energy to the maximum of my capacity.

As soon as I get into the airport, my introvert self takes over.

I usually withdraw from social interaction, and if I saw you and thought that you didn’t see me, I would probably walk away.

Nothing to do with you. Just me being too tired to interact.

The Point Is:

We are wired to make assumptions, yet, that doesn't make them true.

[Tweet "We are wired to make assumptions, yet, that doesn't make them true."]

How Can We Stop Our Tendency To Think Our Assumptions Represent Reality?

One possibility is to take the mindfulness approach.

Assumptions are thoughts.

We can recognize that we have them and then let them go.

Be present in the moment and don’t let ourselves get stuck in that specific thought.

Once again: easier said than done.

Yet, it’s a skill that we can master with practice.

Just by doing it, over and over again.

Become aware of your thoughts and feelings, accept them without attaching or reacting to them, then let them go.

MORE...

We can make other people’s lives easier by communicating with them as clearly as we can, and be as impeccable with our words as possible.

And if you feel overwhelmed, just tune in for the next episode of this podcast.

I’m going to focus on the last agreement “Always do your best” and you will find how liberating that can be.

Don’t stay stuck on your assumptions, come back, listen and find out how "Always doing our best" can set us free from perfectionism – really :)

On the last episode, I spoke about “Don't take anything personally” – the second agreement from the book: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In this episode, I focus on the Third Agreement – Don't make assumptions. Don Miguel Ruiz summarizes this agreement as: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what […]

In this episode, I focus on the Third Agreement – Don't make assumptions.

On the last episode, I focused on the the first agreement from the book:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

I spoke about “Be impeccable with your word" and reflected on the Power of Words.

I even shared some insights from recent psychological research that can help us take this concept to next level, and avoid “The Inverse Power of Praise”

Today, I want to focus on the Second Agreement - Don't take anything personally.

Ruiz summarizes this agreement as:

1. Nothing others do is because of you

2. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality

3. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering

Let’s think about these three points, one at a time:

1. Nothing others do is because of you

Think about a common situation that can happen today with the use of Social Media. You post something really meaningful for you in Facebook. Then, you see a negative comment to that post. Do you take this comment personally? Do you think that person that you never met in your life, is doing that to hurt you, or because of you.

2. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality

Let’s go back to the Facebook example. That person's interpretation of your post, triggered an emotional reaction that led to writing a negative comment. So, other people's reactions are a projection of their own issues, and nothing to do with you.

3. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering

When we don't take things personally, that can be liberating, and prevent us from feeding our own insecurities.

So, “Don’t take anything personally" it’s a powerful maximum to live with.

Yet, I have the tendency to react to absolute words such as “anything”.

It’s easy for me to live by “Don’t take this personally”, yet “Don’t take ANYTHING personally” is going too far.

I’m quite good in applying this principle to critiques and other people's negative opinions. I’m good at developing a thick skin, yet the price I pay, is I become numb and this prevents me to enjoying and savoring the praise and positive feelings.

So, I decided to apply a twist to this principle inspired by Social Psychology's Attribution Theory.

Attribution Theory tries to explain how individuals interpret their success and failures via 3 dimensions:

1- Locus of causality: internal to external

The cause of success or failure can be internal – due to factors that we believe have their origin within the person – or external – due to factors that we believe originate in the environment.

2- Stability: Stable to Unstable

The cause of the success or failure falls within a stable (constant) to unstable (fluctuating) continuum. We believe a cause is stable – when the outcome is likely to be the same on another occasion. We believe a cause is unstable – when the outcome is likely to be different on another occasion.

3- Controllability: Controllable or Uncontrollable

The cause of the success or failure falls within a controllable to uncontrollable continuum. We believe a cause is controllable – when we perceive it as under our volitional or optional control. We believe a cause is uncontrollable – when the circumstances cannot be willed to change.

Let’s go back to the Facebook scenario above as an example of a Negative Situation.

Negative Situation

We post something really meaningful for us in Facebook.

Then, we see a negative comment to that post.

We take this very personally

We see the situation as a big crisis.

"How can that person dare to write that? How can that person be so insensitive? I shouldn't have posted that.”

"I should know better by now. What was I thinking?"

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have posted that in Facebook.”

We interpret the crisis as our responsibility and as something that will happen again (internal locus of causality and stable).

We don't take it personally

If we feel any negativity arise, we remind ourselves of the second agreement:

"Don't take anything personally."

We tell ourselves:

“Remember: nothing others do is because of you."

"What’s going on in this person's life for her to write this?"

"Let me read the other comments on my post are.”

We interpret the comment as something odd, due to factors outside ourselves (external), that probably will not happen again (unstable). So, we easily move on with our day.

Let’s now think about a Positive Situation.

Positive Situation

It’s my birthday.

I look at my Facebook profile and see congratulation after congratulation.

People that I don’t connected with for a long time, are saying Happy Birthday.

I don’t take it personally

I feel a positive emotion, but I know that isn’t because of me – I’m applying the agreement: Don’t take ANYTHING personally.

"Facebook make it easy for people to remember birthdays.” (external)

“Maybe next year I will have less people congratulating." (unstable)

"This is not about me."

And, if I decide to take this personally

“Wow. So nice for people to take their time to congratulate me."

“I see Mary here. So nice of her. Love this.” (internal)

“Love to know how my friends are so nice and considerate.” (stable)

“So happy that I left as public my birthday info in Facebook.” (control)

“I’m so grateful for that Mary, Peter, …. thought of me."

WHY NOT?

But remember: It’s a choice.

As I spoke on the previous episode, between a stimulus – the comment in Facebook – and a response – our response – their is a space.

A brief space where we can choose our response – maybe even take the situation personally :)

We always can create our responses – even to the books that we love.