ON BOYS Podcast

Why do boys....? Bringing up boys brings up all kinds of questions! Jen & Janet have answers. Photo by Pixabay Tamara asks: Why do boys communicate through physical touch/aggression and use sarcasm for communication rather than regular conversation? Katrina worries that her son may be alienating himself from his friends -- and missing out on social opportunities -- because he's so dedicated to his sport. She says: I'm afraid he's distancing himself from his friends and will one day find himself without them. How do I bring it up without seeming like a nag?? Elena wants help answering her son's question: My older son complained that, “all the girls wear ‘girl power’ shirts… why don’t they have ‘boy power’-type shirts?” and says: My son wants to feel powerful and able to say it without being considered a pompous ass. But… how? Are there any “boy power” slogans and tees that don’t undermine others or make him look like our family doesn’t respect the accomplishments of all types of people?? Jessy asks: Will raising a strong-willed boy be too challenging for elder and sick parents to handle when he reaches teenage age? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Boy communication Sarcasm vs. disrespect Roughhousing & aggression Whether parents should push boys to socialize Helping boys navigate girl power Raising strong-willed boys Parenting when you're not physically or emotionally well Intergenerational friendships Asking for help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotion, & Play -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 14:37) The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 15:48) Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 20:56) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 25:34) This Boy Can Tshirts -- super awesome shirts that'll make boys feel great! My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS podcast (mentioned at 30:03) Parenting Through Health Challenges -- ON BOYS podcast featuring Jen Singer (mentioned at 33:31) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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We want to build boys -- AND a just world.

It's easy to be overwhelmed by seemingly insurmountable challenges, and tempting to not take action on big societal issues like inequity because, well, what can we do anyway? But while it's true that none of us can individually create the systemic changes that are needed to address thorny social issue, our individual parenting choices have power.

Sarah W. Jaffe was working as an attorney for children in foster care in New York City when she became pregnant with her first child, and she was struck by the tremendous gulf between the experiences of the kids she served and the concerns of parents in her personal peer group. She thought,

"Something is really wrong here with the level of anxiety that parents in my peer group are feeling versus the overall societal lack of concern about foster kids," says Jaffe, author of Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World. 

The truth is that the decisions we make for our kids affect other kids and families too. Take education, for instance: Parents with the economic means to do so often enroll their kids in private schools or "good" public schools with active PTAs that help provide funding for things like playground equipment, arts programs, and teachers. Their kids get a pretty decent education, but children at other schools may not get an equal or commensurate education.

Moving Past Fear to Build a Just World

"We are encouraged, as parent consumers, [to think that] there's never enough," Jaffe says. More education and experiences, our culture tells us, is always better. Marketers, Jaffe says, "prey on fear" and parents' innate desire to help their children.

So affluents parents often invest a lot of time, energy, and resources into programs and services that may give their children a slight boost, while children a few blocks away lack the basics. That's not good for anyone's kids, in the long run.

Jaffe suggest parents consider their values when making parenting decisions. When choosing childcare, for instance (if you have a choice!), consider things like the pay and working conditions of childcare workers. If you have the money to spend, it may be better spent at a center that pay its workers fairly than at a prestigious preschool.

Jaffe also recommends that affluent and white parents look past their preconceived notions about which schools will or won't work for their children. In our culture, well-off parents are "encouraged to see ourselves as consumers of schools that need to cater to our demands, rather than investors in a crucial systems," she says. It might be best to invest your resources into the public school system.

The fear of our children "falling behind" is pervasive, but it doesn't have to drive your parenting decisions.

"Being in community with people, feeling invested in creating systems that work for everyone, is a really powerful antidote to that fear," Jaffe says. "Try to step away from the fear and into a sense of community."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sarah discuss:

Why we need to care about ALL kids

How parents contribute to educational inequity

Increasing educational equity

Learning to identify "enough"

Childcare inequities

Questions to ask when choosing childcare

How parents can advocate for their sons' needs while still working for a just world

Supporting public education

Equitable school funding

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World -- Sarah's book

sarahwjaffe.com -- Sarah's website (includes the link to her Parenting Values Journal)

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 15:50)

National Domestic Workers Alliance -- includes links & ideas for how you can make your home a good workplace for a nanny, house cleaner or caregiver, as well as advocacy tips

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Holding the calm, says Hesha Abrams, is an essential skill for resolving conflict and diffusing tension.

Conflict and tension trigger an individual's amygdala, the "reptilian" part of the brain that initiates the flight-flight-or-freeze response. And when the amygdala is activated, the human body goes into a refractory state for about 20 minutes.

Our eyes and ears only take in limited data. Attempting to reason with a person in a refractory state is a waste of time and energy because it's like "pouring water on dry ground," says Abrams, an internationally recognized mediator and author of Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension.

Telling a person who's emotionally upset to "calm down" won't usually help. When the amygdala is active, a person will either fight or flee in response to those words. (Think about it: Has telling your upset son to "calm down" ever really helped? More likely than not, he's gotten even angrier and stormed away.)

How to Hold the Calm When you are upset or emotionally triggered, Abram suggest repeating this mantra to yourself: I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. Repeating that phrase reminds you that you have power and choices -- and that gives you a "moat" around your feelings and allows you to take your time and choose what you want to do. Doing this in front of your kids also shows them how to take care of themselves. You're modeling emotional regulation, and your kids will learn from your example.

Handling Big Emotions with Teens Vuc 'em! VUCS is an acronym that means Validate, Understand, Clarify, Summarize. Validating can include simply naming the emotion you see and hear your child expressing. Your child (vigorously) disagree with your assessment, but if you calmly name the emotion ("You seem angry."), your child may also calm a bit because they feel seen and heard. "Naming the emotion drains 50 percent of the poison out," says Abrams, who's successfully used this technique in many negotiations. Then, you can ask some question to help understand and clarify what's going on. Summarize the situation next. The whole process often takes less time than you'd expect -- and is significantly more efficient than most alternatives. (Think about a fight with your teen, Abrams says. How long does that typically take?)

A day or so later, during a moment of calm, you can say something like, "Let's talk about how we can help each other understand each other better, because I love you, respect you, value you and want to be able to do this better for you," Abrams says. Then, you can teach your son some simple techniques he can use to manage his big emotions.

In this episode, Janet, & Hesha discuss: What spaghetti sauce can teach us about conflict; How your brain and body respond to conflict;How to stay calm in the midst of conflict and tension; Helping teens handle big emotions; How modeling & teaching your son to "hold the calm" can help him learn to respect women & choose a good mate; Paradigm shifts that help us reframe "disrespectful" and annoying behavior; Teaching self-soothing behavior to boys What to do instead of fighting about screens

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Parenting inevitably includes health challenges.

Kids get sick. Parents get sick. And injuries and accidents happen more often than we'd like. Learning how to manage a medical diagnosis -- and navigate the health system -- is a crucial parenting skill.

"Boy mom" and COVID, cancer and heart failure survivor Jen Singer has more medical system experience than most parents. She was diagnosed with lymphoma when her boys were eight and ten years old.

"I learned, by doing, how to advocate for myself," says Singer. When her local hospital refused to perform a PET scan that she knew was crucial to the proper diagnosis and treatment of her illness, she signed herself out of that hospital AMA (against medical advice) and sought care in NYC instead. That PET scan was key to her treatment and eventual recovery.

(The Right) Information is Empowering

Singer, a medical writer who parlayed her experience into a series of books, the Just Diagnosed Guides, says that parents (and others) should not rely on search engines for medical information. When you receive a diagnosis, "Don't Google it," she says, because the results "are unfiltered." The info you find may be incorrect or out-of-date.

In case of a serious diagnosis, do not believe the statistics you find online. General survival statistics, she says, "always include the oldest and sickest people" and may not reflect your  experience.

Getting Necessary Care

Unfortunately, patients and families often have to push to get the care they need (and deserve). Don't assume that "your" doctor (or the first doctor you see) knows best. If a doctor or healthcare professional doesn't listen to you, adequately answer your questions, or take your concerns seriously, you should probably seek another medical opinion.

"If you feel like you're not being heard, get a second opinion," Singer says.

That's not always easy -- particularly for patients in rural areas and those with restrictive health insurance policies or no health insurance -- but when faced with a serious diagnosis, it's worth the effort to explore all options. In some cases, you may be able to access specialists in other parts of the country via telehealth.

Helping Kids Cope with Illness

"I used to think I ruined their childhoods by having cancer," Singer says, "because all of their innocence was taken away at one time." Yet she realizes that her sons learned a lot about independence and caring for others through their shared family experience.

Still, when she was diagnosed with heart failure in 2020, she "immediately set up support" for her sons, even though they are now young adults, because she knew another serious illness "was going to be a major flashback for them." She looped in caring family and friends and asked them to text and check in on them.

Parents (and others) need to allow boys to experience and express their feelings, both physical and emotional.

"We do our boys and our men a tremendous disservice by expecting them not to feel their feelings," Singer says, "and it causes them problems, health-wise and in communication" with others in their lives.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:

Getting a diagnosis

Finding reliable medical information

When (and how) to switch doctors or seek a second opinion

Helping kids cope w a parent illness

Determining what information to share (and not share) with others

Supporting people who are sick

Asking for (and accepting) help

Teaching boys to manage health & medical issues

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Just Diagnosed Guides -- includes links to buy Jen's books How to Be Sick and How to Support Someone Who's Sick

You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs -- ON BOYS episode

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Doing more for boys and men does not require an abandonment of the ideal of gender equality. In fact, it is a natural extension of that. -- Richard V. Reeves

Those words are from a new book Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It, by Richard V. Reeves, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a public policy think tank based in D.C., and a father of three grown sons.

Boys and men (as a group) now fare worse than girls and women (as a group) in school and in the workplace. (In fact, the gender gap in college education is now wider than it was in the 1970s - but flipped, with far fewer males than females attending or graduating from college.) Males are also generally less healthy and die sooner than females. Yet these gender gaps aren't often discussed and, to date, there's been little action to address these concerning statistics.

"The gender inequality that Title IX was intended to tackle [in education] is now larger but completely flipped," Reeves says. Also, many American men now earn less than many American women. White women, in fact, now out earn Black men.

Obviously, progress still needs to be made in terms of women's rights. But we can't continue to focus on girls and women and ignore the needs of boys and men. We must also address the issues affecting males. That's how we work toward gender equality.

Redshirt the Boys?

Given the fact that males typically develop more slowly than similarly-aged females, Reeves proposes redshirting boys, or having boys start kindergarten a year later than their female peers.

"The main reason girls are doing better in school than boys is because they mature much earlier than boys," he says. At age 15, in fact, the average boy is developmentally two years behind the average 15-year-old girl.

The current educational system is better aligned with girls' development. "The structural advantage in the educational system that treats 15- and 16-year old boys and girls as if they were the same is becoming apparent," Reeves says. "We couldn't see it before because sexism was holding girls down. Now that we've taken those barriers off, you're seeing girls flying."

Starting boys in formal education one year later would "level the playing field," Reeve believes, particularly because a policy or proposal to start all boys a year later would extend the benefit of extra time to lower-income boys. (At present, many high income families do redshirt their sons. Private schools often recommend redshirting boys.)

Like so many parents of boys, Reeves assumed his sons were being deliberately lazy during their teen years. He's since realized that, "This is neuroscience. These brain synapses need time to develop."

Encouraging Boys to Pursue HEAL Jobs

HEAL jobs -- those in the health, education, administration, and literacy/communication fields -- are in great demand. Yet despite the fact that males are under-represented in these fields -- and health and education, for instance, are facing critical staff shortages -- there's not yet been a concerted effort to encourage boys and young men to pursue these careers.

That's a mistake, Reeves says.

"We're trying to solve labor shortages in healthcare and education with half the workforce," he says. "I think we owe it to ourselves, and to our kids, to make a huge investment in helping get men into those growing jobs of the future."

Continuing the ignore the struggles of boys and men is not a productive path forward.

"A lot of boys and men are really struggling. That's because of structural changes that are happening around them; it's not because there's something wrong with them," Reeves says. "As a responsible society, we should address those challenges because if we don't, they're fester. If we don't address them, it won't end well. We need now to apply the spirit of liberation to boys and men too."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Richard discuss:

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Independence is good for kids. 

Helicopter parenting is bad for kids.

But figuring out when to step in or step back...well, that's a challenge!

When another boy punched her 11 year old son in the face during hockey practice, writer and "boy mom" Caren Chesler acted immediately. "I had one leg over the half-wall and was stepping onto the players’ bench when the coach looked up and our eyes met," Caren wrote in a Washington Post article. " Mine were still saying, 'Are you kidding me?!' while his were saying, 'Lady, I got this.'”

Caren backed away and let the coach handle the situation. After practice, her son told her that he and the other boy worked things out.

Like so many parents, Caren feels compelled to act "when I see my son in harm's way, whether it's socially or physically," she says. She know there's value in giving her son space and time to navigate challenges, but it's not easy to sit on the sidelines. Yet as our boys grow, they want (and need!) opportunities to manage conflict and challenges.

Managing Parental Anxiety

Often, parent involvement is driven by parental anxiety. Caren has realized that her tendency to involve herself in her son's social issues is stems from "my own personal feelings, memories, scars, and traumas," she says.

"I can tell there's something wrong because when something happens to my son, I feel like it's happening to me," Caren says. That recognition spurred her to work on separating her issues from her son's.

Managing our anxiety -- and our desire to step in -- is a constant process. As we recognize and address personal traumas and tendencies, our kids grow and change as well. We must adapt our parenting to the new moment. Rather than rigidly adhering to a set of rules or guidelines, it's best to ground our actions in honesty and integrity.

Admit your mistakes to yourself (and your son). Adjust your rules. Experiment, and then readjust again, as necessary. And as many times as necessary.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Caren discuss:

"Mom instincts" that compel us to act

Dealing with our "stuff" so we can give our boys the chance to deal with their stuff

Male vs. female friendships

Making yourself available vs. directly intervening

Giving kids space on social media

Managing video games

Adjusting your parenting positions

Setting limits

Discussing mistakes

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

I'm Too Involved as a Parent. For My Son's Sake, I'm Trying to Change. -- Washington Post article by Caren

Probing the Complex Influence of Video Games on Young Minds -- Discover article by Caren

The Model of a Mother and Son Project -- Next Avenue article by Caren

Encouraging Independence -- ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS podcast

BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Middle school boys may seem messy and mysterious, but they're also entertaining, challenging, and inspiring, says Braden Bell.

The middle school years are "a wonderful, magical moment," says Bell, an experienced educator, father, and grandfather. "It's important to keep in mind that we are not raising 6th graders, we are not raising 7th graders -- we are raising future adults who currently happen to be in 6th or 7th grade."

Keeping that long view in perspective is helpful because if we stop the metaphorical film at any moment, we're likely to feel stress because a lot of change happens during the tween and teenage years. But "if we realize that's a natural part of becoming an adult, that gives us a little more space and freedom to model grace and resilience ourselves," Bell says. A parent's role is to provide love, encouragement, guidance, and empathy.

"Our job is not to solve their problems," Bell says. "We don't want our children to face their first problems alone when they're 25 or 30."

Giving middle school boys agency to tackle their problems allows them to develop the skills and stamina they'll need to problem-solve as adults. And the beauty of tweendom and adolescence is that boys don't know what they can't yet do! During their tween and teenage years, they're more apt to set and attempt to achieve audacious goals than at most other parts of life.

"I think that if we start with the assumption that our child can probably do far more than we think they can, that is almost always going to be true," Bell says. However much you think your child can do, he almost certainly can do more. But, he cautions, it has to be on your son's time. You can't push him, force him, or incentivize him.

Bell's (borrowed from a 14-year-old) advice, to both middle school boys & their parents: Choose the kindest possible response in every situation.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Braden discuss:

Why middle school boys need struggle

Backing off so boys can tackle their problems & set & strive for goals

How autonomy builds competence, confidence, and self-respect

Boys & tech

Collaborative rule-setting

Nurturing boys' strengths - while giving them time & space to mature

Respecting boys' development

Helping boys cope with school

Dealing w your sons' teachers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens — Braden’s newsletter (Don't miss "My Parents Refused to Intervene. It Remains One of Their Most Enduring, Precious Gifts to Me.")

Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Braden

Managing Screen Time -- ON BOYS episode featuring Devorah Heitner (mentioned at 16:32)

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell -- ON BOYS episode

BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.

A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."

What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression

Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.

Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.

How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed

"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.

He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades

What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men

Why you may want to consider going organic

Male depression

The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development

Importance of fathers and male mentoring

Advocating for boys at school

How tech affects boys' brains

Boys & violence

Male bonding

"Toxic masculinity"

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Gurian Institute -- online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events)

What We Must Do to Stop the Killing -- blog post by Michael Gurian

Helping Boys Thrive virtual summit, sponsored by The Boys Initiative and Gurian Institute -- online event happening October 8, 2022 (register HERE)

The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Educators, and Mentors Can Do to Help Boys Become Exceptional Men, by Michael Gurian

The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens

Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy & Resilient Boys, by Michael Gurian

Anxiety and Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episode

Kellen CARES Foundation -- non-profit that helps young men & their families navigate mental health issues

My Family Tested 20 Kid-Safe Phones & Devices -- and These Were the Best -- article mentioned at 23:10

BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

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Empowering boys to challenge rape culture is one way we can decrease sexual violence, says Gordon Braxton, an anti-violence educator and activist who formerly served as the Director of Men’s Outreach on Sexual Violence Prevention at Harvard University.

Currently, most of us "spend little to no time empowering boys to raise their voices against sexual violence,” says Braxton, author of Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture. “That leaves them in the hands of a world that minimizes it & normalizes it.”

Parents typically teach girls how to recognize danger signs and avoid potential violence. But parents don't always prepare their boys to recognize or respond to violence, particularly sexual violence. We don't help boys answer the question, "What should I be doing in a violent world?" Braxton says.

Contrary to what we may think, boys welcome these converations, Braxton says. They want time and space to unpack their thoughts and observations regarding sex, violence, pornography, masculininty, and so much more.

Boys also need education and support. They need to learn how to respond if a friend, acquaintance, or stranger discloses abuse or sexual violence to them. Often, boys' intial reaction is to "adjudicate or jump in," Braxton says, but that's rarely the right response. Instead, he tells boys that "if you are approached as a friend, respond as a friend." They can listen and support -- and we can encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult.

Black boys need support to wrestle with centuries of unfair policing and persistent racial stereotypes that have long (unfairly) painted Black males as dangerous predators. Braxton invites young men "to consider that there is more than one response to historical injustice. We can choose to push back against those myths and stereotypes through our everyday actions." We can also help boys understand that "these fights [against racism and violence] are not mutually exclusive."

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gordon discuss:

Differences in how we talk to boys & girls about violence

What anti-violence is

Helping boys recognize how they contribute to a culture where violence is normalized

The power of peer education to confront sexual violence

Breaking past boys' cliched responses

Preparing boys to deal with the complications of stepping outside the man box

Why you must teach boys how to respond to disclosures of sexual trauma or violence

Helping boys recognize (& embrace!) their role as change agents

Inviting boys to consider nuance in conversations about racism and violence

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture, by Gordon Braxton

StandUpWithBoys.com -- Gordon's website

List of state Coaltions against Domestic Violence

A Call to Men — organization mentioned at 37:48

Helping Boys Grown Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- ON BOYS episode featuring the Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men

RAINN -- the United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization (lots of helpful free info!)

BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

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Deborah Farmer Kris is a child development expert, author, and former educator -- and she still finds raising kids a challenge!

"None of us are slot machines," she says. "It's not like you put in this language and out pops a child who says 'yes, mother.'"

Parenting, Kris says, is humbling, partly because "there's not one method that works for every child." Every child is different. So is every parent.

And yet, helping our children develop their emotional literacy skills is one thing we can do to help them thrive.

You can begin by taking a moment to calm yourself when you son's behavior is out of line or upsetting. Then, get curious. Often, another need lurks beneath. When you and your son are calm, try saying something like, "I noticed..." State your observation; allow some space and time for your son to respond.

"'I notice' takes the judgement out of it," Kris says. And even if your son chooses not to respond in the moment, your words convey that you see and care about him.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deborah discuss:

Why striving for perfection parenting is wasted effort -- and what you should strive for instead

The link between emotional literacy & boys' behavior

Letting boys tell their story (vs. making assumptions about their behavior)

Tailoring your communication to your boy's temperament (whether he's an introvert or extrovert)

The value of the village

Communicating with teachers

Helping kids understand unconditional love

The power of awe and wonder

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

parenthood365 -- Deborah's website

I Love You All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris

You Have Feelings All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris

You Are Growing All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris

You Wonder All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris

Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, by Dr. Marc Brackett (book mentioned at 13:11)

Awe Might Be Our Most Undervalued Emotion. Here's How to Help Children Find It. -- Washington Post article by Kris (mentioned at 31:33)

Finding Ecohappiness -- ON BOYS episode

Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode

BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy