ON BOYS Podcast

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

Suicidal thoughts are common.

In the U.S. alone, each year, more than 15 millions adults & teens struggle with serious thoughts of suicide. Knowing how to respond to suicidal thoughts is a crucial skill for all parents & educators. 

One of the best, most effective things you can do to reduce suicide risk to directly ask those you’re concerned about if they’re having suicidal thoughts. That, of course, is easier said than done. It’s scary to ask about suicide, and scary to admit thoughts of suicide. To make it easier, you can say something like, “A lot of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like that?”

“We don’t want to normalize suicide, but we can normalize thinking about suicide,” says Stacey Freedenthal, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do. 

Some people say “no” when the answer is really yes. So it’s a good idea to follow up with, “If you were having thoughts of suicide in the future, do you think you’d tell me?” Listen calmly and bravely, and keep the conversation going if you can.

“Be curious, not judgmental,” Freedenthal says.

Why Calling 911 or Heading to ER May Not Be a Good Idea

If someone is not in immediate, acute danger — think firearm in hand or pills ingested — don’t call 911 or head to the hospital. Instead, talk. And listen. Empathetic statements like, “that sounds so hard” are far more useful than comments such as, “What are you talking about? You have a great life!”

Emergency help can actually be counterproductive. It may lead to long waits and little help. And the affected individual may become angry and less likely to trust you with suicidal thoughts in the future. So, if the situation is not acutely dangerous, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, instead. It’s available 24/7 and trained responders can answer your questions, help you establish a safety plan, and connect you with local resources.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stacey discuss:

• How to know if someone has suicidal thoughts
• Stereotypes and misconceptions about suicide
• Reasons teenagers don’t tell their parents about suicidal thoughts
• Brave listening
• What to do when your son says, “I’m going to kill myself” or “I want to die”
• Sextortion
• When to call 911 — and when not to
• Why you should lock up guns & meds
• Self-care
• Fostering hope

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do, by Stacey Freedenthal — every home & school needs a copy of this book

staceyfreedenthal.com — Stacey’s personal page

speakingofsuicide.com — Stacy’s web page, packed with tons of free resources

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

Suicide Rates are Rising — Here’s What Parents Can Do — Your Teen magazine article by Jen

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Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.

Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.

Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.

“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.

“Parenting” is Relatively New

Before the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.

But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.

Nurturing Kids’ Mental Health

The first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:

• Play-based learning
• Creating space & making time for kids’ learning
• How adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional development
• The emotional arc
• Exploring gender
• Social learning

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

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Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

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Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. 

Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.

“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”

Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.

Parental Accommodation Cycle

Unfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.

“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.

Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.

But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.

“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”

Breaking the Parental Accommodation Cycle

You can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.

Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.

Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:

• Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive function
• Recommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHD
• Parental accommodation
• Accommodation vs. support
• Young adults’ “failure to launch”
• Scaffolding new skills
• Breaking the parental accommodation cycle
• Learning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort
• Enlisting to support to develop your child’s skills
• Constructive vs. destructive shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD work

ADHD Dude YouTube channel

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!

It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring Ryan

Constant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episode

Nurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by Ryan

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

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Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.

Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.

At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.

A Healthy Approach to Youth Sports

In current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.

“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”

A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. 

“Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”

It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.

“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:

• Role of sports in boys’ lives
• Harms of current youth sports culture
• Choosing the right sport for your child
• How sports can help boys develop empathy
• What actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)
• Value of multiple sports vs. sports specialization
• Developmentally appropriate sports education

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)

Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott Lancaster

Simplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Sins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by Llosa

Emotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando Llosa

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

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Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.

Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.

The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.

Emphasizing the Importance of Dads

“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”

But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).

Advocating for Boys & Men

Despite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.

“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”

In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:

• How fatherlessness affects boys
• Helps moms accept boys’ need to experience risk
• The importance of male connection and mentorship for boys
• Protective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absence
• The Men & Boys Coalition
• Increasing boys’ emotional intelligence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

LadsNeedDads.org

Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys post

Here’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by Jen

Men & Boys Coalition

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

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Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.

But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.

According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”

The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”

Why Teen Boys Retrict Emotion

Teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.

Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.

Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”

Helping Boys Express Emotion

A boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.

If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.

Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.

Getting Teen Boys to Talk

According to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.

“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:

• Teen boys’ emotion
• Factors that affect boys’ emotional expression
• Helping boys open up
• Emotional safe havens
• Normalizing emotions
• Helping boys understand anger
• Holding boys responsible
• What teen boys think about Andrew Tate
• Talking about controversial topics

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

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Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

Clean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.

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Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. 

“I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)

Modeling Emotional Honesty

Damon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.

How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & Sex

Damon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).

Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”

He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.

Helping Boys Understand Independence

Boys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.

Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”

In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:

• How our family experiences affect our parenting
• Cultural & societal expectations of dads
• Emotional honesty
• Generational growth
• Screentime, technology, & intimacy
• Teaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

damonbrown.net — Damon’s website

Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon Brown

Dads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by Damon

Why You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks

#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV show

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

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How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?

Photo by Beatnik Photos via Flickr

Those are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.

Matthew says:

We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…

Cheslea asks:

What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…

Britney wonders:

Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? 

while another Britney and Susan ask:

 Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!

Karon asks:

What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.

Kate wants to know:

How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?

Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Supporting sibling relationships
• Building brother-sister bonds
• How time solves many parenting problems
• Connecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)
• Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescence
• Self-care during your son’s teen years
• Monitoring online gaming
• Boys & anger
• Teen boys
• The importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episode

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Anger & Boys — ON BOYS episode

The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular post

Moms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog post

Why Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

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Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. 

Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.

In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.

“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.

Simplicity is the Antidote to Overwhelm

The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.

He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.

“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”

It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.

“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:

• The genesis of the simplicity parenting movement
• Why simplifying family life can improve boys’ behavior
• The link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and gifts
• How (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ gifts
• Balancing you family’s schedule
• Why delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kids
• Increasing boys’ connection to nature
• The importance of play
• Helping kids connect to “their own true north”
• How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the future
• Benefits of simplicity parenting for parents

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne

Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode

Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episode

Finding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare, says Mary Van Geffen, a popular Instagrammer and parent coach for Spicy Ones.

Spicy kids “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda,” Mary says. They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent. (Though often more attuned to their own emotions than others’.) It “can take a lot of energy to be with this child,” Mary notes.

Spicy boys are often world-changers. Their tendency toward change, questioning, experimentation, and new ideas can be challenging for parents who want their boys to follow directions and obey.

Calming your nervous system can help you effectively parent (and live with!) spicy boys. Taking regular “pause moments” is one way you can metaphorically “shut down all the tabs” in your brain, Mary says. Modeling meditation and pauses is also a powerful way to teach your boys how to manage their nervous systems.

Setting Boundaries & Expectations

Parents of spicy boys should also get clear about their own boundaries and expectations. Before going to the grocery store together, for instance, “decide what are your non-negotiables,” she says, and share that with your kids. “You have to decide what’s okay with you because I think a lot of the ‘feeling judged’ parents feel actually occurs when you’re judging yourself: Oh, a good mom would…”

You will need to clearly communicate your expectations to others who spend time with your kids, too. Communicate compassionately, especially when talking with parents and grandparents who may not understand the modern emphasis on consent and body boundaries, for instance. Set boundaries as needed, and remind yourself that good boundaries need reminders and reinforcements. “Don’t think for a minute that someone’s poor reaction to your boundary doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good boundary to set,” Mary says. “In some ways, it’s actually a validation. When someone gives you a very hard time for setting a boundary, it shows you that this a relationship that needs boundaries.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:

• Characteristics of a Spicy One
• Why shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boys
• How your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your child
• Parenting when you are spicy or highly sensitive
• A sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous system
• How changing your voice can help you reach your kids
• Setting boundaries & managing others’ expectations
• Grocery shopping with boys

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s website

https://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on Instagram

Highly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episode

Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episode

Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episode

Brain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episode

Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy