ON BOYS Podcast

Yes, you can be an unflustered mom.

Identifying your anxiety style is the first step, says Amber Trueblood, a mom of four boys (currently ages 10, 12, 14, & 15) and author of The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love.

“Anxiety is not one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t look the same for everybody,” Amber says. “What you’re trigged by is going to be different for what triggers someone else emotionally.”

Five Anxiety Styles

Amber says there are 5 primary anxiety styles:

1. The Fighter. Fighters “see themselves as survivors and protectors,” Amber says. They are compelled to act if they perceive a problem, and tend be more comfortable in chaos & challenge than in peace.
2. The Visionary. Visionaries are all about making a deep impact on the world. They feel anxious when others don’t understand (or see) their vision, or when life events prevent progress.
3. The Dynamo. Dynamos want achievement, recognition, and respect. They tend to be do-ers.
4. The Executive. Executives are driven by the need to feel emotionally safe. They are forward-thinking planners and organizers.
5. The Lover. Lovers are driven by relationships. They want and need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

Each has different emotional triggers and responds best to differing interventions and coping strategies. Each also has superhero traits that you can harness.

Learning how to manage your anxiety style can help you be a better, more effective parent.

“The more that you can be unflustered, the better you’re going to sleep and take care of your physical health. You’ll be able to think more clearly and respond more thoughtfully, consciously, and purposefully in every area of your life,” Amber says.

“You can have all the best parenting tools on the planet, but if you’re walking around like a cyclone of emotional instability, fear, anger, regret, and self-doubt, it’s really hard to be the best parent you can be.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amber discuss:

• The 5 anxiety styles
• Coping strategies tailored to your anxiety style
• Life lessons for each anxiety style
• Jen & Janet’s anxiety styles
• How managing your anxiety can make you a better parent

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love –– Amber’s book

ambertrueblood.com — Amber’s website (includes the quiz to identify your anxiety style)

Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS podcast

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Medical expenses are a part of life.  (Particularly if you live in the United States!)

Figuring out how to budget and pay for well-child checks, sports physicals, ER and urgent care visits, and recommended screenings is confusing and overwhelming. Health insurance is expensive and difficult to decipher. Independent contractors and entrepreneurs typically don’t have access to group plans, and many available plans simply don’t meet the needs of today’s families.

Cost-sharing plans are an alternative for managing medical expenses.

How Cost-Sharing Plans Differ From Health Insurance

Traditional health insurance plans transfer the financial risk from individuals to the insurance company. Individuals (or families) pay a monthly premium and are responsible for deductible and co-pays.

In contrast, when you sign up for a cost-sharing plan, you become a member of a group that shares the cost of medical needs, says Melissa Blatt, founder & CEO of Indipop. Cost-sharing health plans are also sometimes called “health sharing” plans or “membership” or “subscription” plans. Traditionally, most cost-sharing plans were connected with religious organizations, and many required a statement of faith from members. Today, secular cost-sharing plans are available to individuals and families.

With cost-sharing plans, your deductible doesn’t automatically reset each year; physical therapy that’s needed in January due to a surgery or injury that happened in December is not considered separately or subject to a new deductible.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Melissa discuss:

• Cost-sharing plans vs. traditional health insurance
• What to consider when choosing a plan to help with medical expenses
• How a cost-sharing plan can help you control healthcare costs
• Comparing health plans
• Pre-existing conditions
• Healthcare costs

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

indipop.co — Indipop website

How to Reduce Medical Costs for Your Child — Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Indipop

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Now is the best time to raise boys, says psychologist Michael Reichert, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys’ & Girls’ Lives, author of How to Raise a Boy, and co-author of Equimundo’s recent State of American Men report. 

It doesn’t feel that way to many parents (or boys), though. Recently, for the first time in recorded history, a majority of expectant American parents expressed a preference for a female child because boys’ lives are “too uncertain.”

“There’s such a cloud of pessimism that hangs over raising a boy,” Reichert says. But over the course of his career, Reichert has seen “a revolution in the willingness to apply science to the project of male development.” Researchers, educators, and parents are beginning to seriously think about how to best support boys.

Connection is Crucial

At present, 2/3 of American men ages 18-23 says “no one really knows me well.” That’s a problem because humans who are not in relationship with others who know them well are dangerous to themselves and others.

Human beings are relational learners, and boys, in particular, need connection to thrive. “Boys will give up trying if they don’t believe that someone really ‘get them’ and cares about how they’re doing,” Reichert says.

Boys may appear to resist relationships (especially with teachers), but often, that resistance is grounded in past experience. By late elementary school, many boys have already concluded that most people don’t genuinely care about them — so, they resist adult efforts to connect, in an effort to protect themselves. “Consequently, the boy is misunderstood as someone who is unavailable for relationship,” Reichert says, which “compounds that problem and exacerbates the cycle.”

Yet many parents believe that boys’ noisy resistance should be “met by an exercise of force or domination,” such as threat, punishment, scolding, or shaming, he says. But that’s precisely when boys most need connection and compassion.

“The long game in parenting a boy who’s having trouble behaving is to help that boy express what’s driving his behavior” and help him develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, Reichert says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

• Parental anxiety re raising boys
• Male motivation
• How teachers & parents misunderstand boys
• Boys’ developmental precarity
• Helping boys self-regulate
• Connecting with young adult males
• Developing boys’ emotional strength
• Your secret parent superpower

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

michaelcreichert.com — Michael’s website (includes contact information)

State of American Men report

Is This the Best Time to Be Raising a Boy? — Building Boys Bulletin 5-29-23

I Won’t Learn From You: And Other Thoughts on Creative Maladjustment, by Herbert Kohl

Here’s What I’ve Learned About Raising Boys in My 30 Years as a Child Psychologist — Self article by Michael

How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men — Michael’s book

How to Raise a Boy (with Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

Chimp Empire — Netflix series

Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy Ranch

Use code ONBOYS15 to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: June’s Journey

Download via iOS or Android

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Sue Atkins encourages parents to slow down, relax, & learn from their children.

“We are rushing through life,” says the UK parenting guru.. “We rush everything — we rush our children to eat their breakfast, to do their shoes up, to brush their teeth. And I think children have got something to teach us, because they just don’t worry about those things. They take their time.”

Atkins also encourages parents to “exude confidence” — even if they’re not feeling 100% confident — via their voice & body language. She also reminds parents that they’re doing a better job than they probably think.

“If you’re kind; if you’re loving; if you have firm, fair, consistent boundaries and the kids know them and know you’ll follow through on consequences, they’ll learn to self-regulate,” she says. “They’ll learn it from you first and then they’ll implement it as they grow and change.”

Focus on the big picture and “lighten up a bit,” Atkins says. “Parenting is an adventure.”

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sue discuss:

• Sue’s experience of pregnancy & parenting
• How to develop patience
• Why self-care isn’t selfish
• How to get kids to listen
• Developing parental confidence
• Teaching kindness
• Unmotivated teenage/young adult males
• Letting boys make mistakes
• Managing disrespect
• Parenting after divorce
• Screen time (Spoiler alert: Better to balance than ban!)
• How to avoid overreacting to boys’ behavior
• Creating space to connect

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

sueatkinsparentingcoach.com — Sue’s website

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS episode

Lads Need Dads with Sonia Shaljean — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

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The Whole Child, Whole Life approach can help kids thrive.

Stephanie Malia Krauss, a mom of two boys and an author with a background in education and social work, wrote Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive because she realized that parents, educators, coaches, community leaders (and so many others!) all need to know how to nurture the whole child. Focusing on certain aspects of a child’s development — say, their academic or athletic development — while neglecting other aspects of the child’s identity can inhibit growth and even inflict harm.

“Kids bring their whole human selves onto the field and into the school building,” Krauss says. “You might see them as just ‘an athlete’ or ‘a student,’ but that’s not how they’re experiencing every interaction.”

Brokenness, shes says, shows up when a child is “persistently and chronically in environments and experiences that ignore, devalue, or demean aspects of themselves. It occurs when kids’ basic needs are not consistently met — when kids spend a lot of time in environments where they feel like they don’t belong.

Meeting Boys’ Basic Needs Can Help Them Become Whole

All humans have basic needs that must be met to sustain life. Children have additional basic needs that must be met if they are to thrive.

“Children – including tweens and teens — need time for play. They need downtime and they need purpose. They need a sense that they’re in this world for some reason,” Krauss says. Kids, of course, also need sleep, movement, and nutrition, but they need more of some of these things (sleep, for instance) than adults do.

Krauss encourages parents and educators to broaden their focus. Instead of aiming for “college and career readiness,” she wants adults to think about “what does this kid need for a long life that they love?”

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stephanie discuss:

• Wholeness vs brokeness
• 10 Whole Life practices
• Awe & wonder
• Brain/body connection
• Nurturing the whole child

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website

Making It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

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Want to connect with boys? Pay attention to your nonverbal communication.

Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and even our breathing influence the perception of our words and messages, says Michael Grinder, who’s known as the “father of nonverbal communication.

“If you look at someone and make eye contact, it increases the emotions,” he says. “So if you like the emotions, keep the eye contact. If you do not like the emotions, stop making eye contact.”

Females tend to enjoy the eye contact, even if it’s combative, Michael says. Males often do not. The heightened state of physiological arousal that accompanies eye contact can make it more more difficult for them to verbally communicate, so many boys and men prefer side-by-side communication to face-to-face communication, especially when talking about tough subjects.

Improving your nonverbal communication skills can help you effectively connect with your sons.

 In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

• Male vs. female perceptions of eye contact
• How to make (& use) a Feelings Wheel
• Accommodating different communication preferences
• 3 variables in any negotiation
• Male & female differences in communication
• How to enlist the village to help your boys communicate
• Creating places for communication

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

michaelgrinder.com — Michael’s website

What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents — NYT article referenced in this episode

Circles of Humanness –– one of Michael’s YouTube videos

Mikey – The True Story of Michael Grindr

Charisma: Understand the Art of Relationships, by Michael Grinder

Circles and Chairs of Negotiation — Michael Grinder YouTube video

The Nothing Box — YouTube video re the difference between male & female brains

How to Building Your Village — ON BOYS episode

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Gemma Gaudette says “we don’t give boys enough credit.”

Gemma, host of Idaho Matters & a mom of two sons (currently ages 11 & 15), knows (from personal experience!) that boys can be dramatic & sensitive, even though society has coded those traits as “feminine.” Yet many adults continue to insist on & impose so-called “masculine” expectations on boys, without recognizing the breadth of normal variation.

Many adults also react to boys’ behavior based on their experiences with harmful adult males. “There’s an automatic assumption that boys are bad,” Gemma says. “There is an automatic assumption that a boy is a predator…I get very frustrated as a boy mom when we label all boys as ‘bad,’ ‘aggressive,’ as ‘having anger issues,’ because I think that when we do that, at some point, our boys believe that.”

Helping boys navigate emotions & relationships

Like most brothers, Gemma’s boys fight & bicker – often, physically. Given the age & size difference between her sons, she told her oldest son not to engage physically with the younger son. Sensing opportunity, the young one began tormenting his older brother. That led to a fascinating, revealing conversation between Gemma and her 15-year-old, which revealed her son’s deep love and concern for his younger brother. She validated his feelings and reiterated his right to self-protection.

“We have to give boys room to breathe, and say that it’s okay sometimes feel aggression,” Gemma says. We then need to talk to them about healthy ways to cope with that feeling. We also need to establish boundaries and (reasonable) behavioral expectations, she says..

On giving boys more independence

Parental fear can inhibit boys’ independence and hinder the development of confidence and competence. Boys need opportunities to assume responsibility and act autonomously in order to develop responsibility.

“We’ve got to give them little baby steps toward autonomy,” Gemma says, “so when we release them ‘into the wild,’ they know how to make good choices.”

As her boys have become teenagers, Gemma has shifted toward advising them and encouraging them to consider their options (and the likely consequences of each option) instead of simply telling them what to do. “They need me now to coach them,” she says, “because if we continue to tell them what to do, they’ll never know what to do when we’re not there.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss:

• Helping boys recognize & navigate gender norms
• Aggression nurturance & roughhousing
• Setting boundaries
• Modeling & teaching conflict resolution
• Society’s fear of teenage boys
• Teaching boys manners
• Giving boys autonomy
• Why Gemma doesn’t use an app or tracker to monitor her boys’ whereabouts
• The mental load of parenting teens

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — our previous ON BOYS episode w Gemma

“Building Boys:” An Author Interview with Jennifer Fink — Gemma interviews Jen on Idaho Matters

Raising Boys — CBSN documentary featuring Jen & Gemma

Michael Gurian on Raising Boys –– ON BOYS episode

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

What Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode w Jerome Hunter

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Advanced parenting may involve guiding a child through a mental health crisis. Or parenting a child with a chronic medical condition. Or both. It’s what parents must do when a child’s needs go beyond basic feeding, sheltering, loving, and nurturing.

As a childhood cancer survivor and complex care pediatrician, Dr. Kelly Fradin knows that it’s difficult for parents to balance kids’ physical and mental challenges with the routine logistics of parenting and family life. Healthcare providers and mental health clinicians often don’t have the time they’d like to support parents navigating these complex challenges, so she write a guidebook to help parents: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges.

Parenting Boys Through Health Challenges

“Boys struggle just as much as girls with having a challenge that separates them from their friends,” Dr. Kelly says.

But while many girls will spontaneously reach out for support and share their emotions with their friends and family, boys will likely need extra parental support to develop their emotional vocabulary.

“If they have that emotional literacy of being able to identify and talk about their feelings, they can communicate on a more sophisticated level,” she says, noting that parents (and other adults) must also give boys space and time to experience their emotions. Boys, Dr. Kelly says, need to know that “they don’t have to be strong all the time.”

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kelly discuss:

• When — and how — to ask questions of healthcare professionals and educators
• Evaluating online sources of health information
• Talking to your child about a diagnosis
• Managing parental anxiety
• Involving boys in their medical care
• Managing medication refusal
• Making room for emotions
• Helping siblings cope
• Picking your priorities

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drkellyfradin.com — Dr. Kelly’s website

Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges, by Dr. Kelly Fradin

Advanced Parenting podcast series

You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs — ON BOYS episode

Parenting Thru Health Challenges — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

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Midlife parenting often means navigating puberty and perimenopause at the same time.

The average age of first parenthood has increased in recent years, so many moms now find themselves going thru perimenopause around the same time their kids hit puberty, according to a 2021 New York Times Parenting Newsletter article titled, When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape.

And while thinking of your home as a “hormonal hellscape” may not be soothing, it’s refreshing to hear honest talk about midlife parenting.

“Sometimes people try to soft pedal the challenges,” says Ann Douglas, author of the best selling MOTHER OF ALL BOOKS series and Parenting Through the Storm, a book about parenting children through psychological problems. “Let’s be real about it.”

That’s exactly what Douglas does in her latest book, Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women.

Similarities Between Puberty & Midlife

“When you’re at midlife, you tend to start questioning everything,” Douglas says. “It’s a lot like the identity quest of adolescence.”

Understanding that fact may make you more empathetic to the changes (and mood swings!) your child is experiencing. Many midlife adults and teens are asking themselves, How do I fit into the world? 

Midlife Parents Need Support & Community

“I am such a believer in peer support,” Douglas says. “You want to talk to someone who knows just how hard it is – and who won’t judge — and that some from layers and layers of shared experience. We were never meant to go through any life stage on our own.”

Support and community can be found online or in person. “You can process a lot of the thinking and learning together,” says Douglas, who believes that her younger self would be surprised to discover what a joyous stage midlife can be. “It literally feels like I was running a marathon for decades – and then suddenly, the race didn’t matter as much and it was more about feeling happy with who I am and my contributions to the world. I feel like I can enjoy and savor.”

In this episode, Jen & Ann discuss:

• Perimenopause as “reverse puberty”
• How midlife sneaks up on us
• Feeling invisible
• Money and work at midlife
• Addressing perimenopause symptoms
• Real self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

anndouglas.ca — Ann’s website

Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women, by Ann Douglas

When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape — NYT article

Midlife Reimagined — Ann’s Psychology Today blog

Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, by Ann Douglas

Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Problems — Building Boys post

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss, by Ann Douglas

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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Middle school — and ages 11 to 14 — is “a time like no other!”

It’s a time when significant biological, neurological and emotional changes are happening simultaneously.

Middle school boys can be a confusing mix. They want to be treated like adults AND still do incredibly silly things. 

Jerome Hunter, co-founder of the Seattle School for Boys, recalls his middle school experience as a rollercoaster. In 6th grade, he was an enthusiastic learner who was interested in art, sports, math, & music. But as his junior high years went on, he felt the pressure to conform to others’ expectations. Drawing and art fell by the wayside; sports and socializing moved into prominence. Like so many boys, he felt he had to choose socially acceptable interests, and even though he didn’t feel entirely comfortable dropping some of his passions, he (like so many boys) “didn’t have the language to communicate that.”

Middle School Boys, Explained

“The middle school boy, as he’s getting older, is yearning for autonomy, freedom, and independence,” Hunter says.

At the same time, boys ages 10 to 14 (or so) have almost an “unfiltered desire to be part of the world,” Hunter says. They’re also more reflective, informed, and introspective than many people think.

“I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of thought they put into their conversations,” Hunter says. When tween boys have safe spaces to connect, and are surrounded by people who truly care about their well-being, they can (and will) dig deep. Especially when boys are surrounded by a spectrum of masculinity.

Helping Boys Explore Masculinity

Boys do best when they are given opportunities to explore and think about masculinity, instead of simply adopting others’ expectations.

“If we can educate young people between the ages of 11 and 14, it can really shift the way society views masculinity and boys, as well as the way they define themselves and interact with the world,” Hunter says. The goal is to empower boys to choose how they act (and interact with others).

Making sure boys have structured, safe time for communication is another way to help boys explore masculinity — and can decrease the teasing and insults that are so common among pre-teen and adolescent boys.

“Giving boys time for healthy communication will often disrupt some of that unhealthy communication,” Hunter says.

3 Skills Every Middle School Boys Needs

All boys need:

1. Healthy and balanced confidence
2. To communicate openly and clearly
3. To contribute to their community

In this episode, Janet & Jerome discuss:

• Characteristics of middle school boys
• Tween development
• Single-sex education
• Skills every boy needs
• Why pre-teen & adolescent boys tease & insult each other
• Connecting boys to the larger community
• Shifting your parenting to as your son grows

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jeromeleehunter.com — Jerome’s website

3 Skills Every Middle School Needs — Jerome’s TED talk

Seattle School for Boys

My Brothers’ Keeper Alliance

Braden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episode

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episode

Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys — classic BuildingBoys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

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